Picked up a white chip
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Picked up a white chip
Finally walked up and got a white chip tonight at the lowest point in my life. If there's a bottom beyond this, I really don't want to know what it is.
My 2-year-old daughter has gone to stay with her Nana (mother-in-law) 3 hours away because I became too sick to care for her. I had to sign over temporary custody the day before yesterday.
In the same day, I lost my AH for good. Many will say that is no big loss, considering everything he has done and that he is an abusive monster, but the pain is there nonetheless. I also lost one of my closest friends in the process when she didn't understand some of the decisions I was making due to being to ill with alcoholism and depression such as needing to have the baby taken care of by somebody else for a while.
I am about a week away from being homeless, and it has come down to just a couple hundred dollars. I have been too sick to work much in the past 3 weeks from the depression, and my landlord is about to throw me out unless I can come up with it. One of my local churches has intervened with a portion of the money, which is a blessing, but it may be too late and not enough.
This week, I have been closer to suicide than I ever want to be again. The pain was too great, and I honestly didn't see any other way out. The thought of causing my children pain is the sole reason I'm still here right now and still wanting to get help.
I went to AA last night because I was jumping out of my own skin alone here in my little cottage. I simply did not know what else to do. It did seem to calm me down somewhat, and I met a few women after the meeting who were very kind and gave me their numbers. One of them bought me a Big Book. I really hadn't intended to get up for a white chip, but my legs had carried me across the room before I could really think about it. I believe it is my only hope.
I feel so ugly in every way, so diseased and sick. I feel like I've been possessed for the last 3 years and am just starting to open my eyes and see the damage done. I have lost more during that period of time than a lot of people have in a lifetime. More importantly, I have lost my integrity. I have been selfish, manipulative and unkind. I don't even recognize my own belief system anymore. I've gone from living in a half-million dollar home to potentially living in my car next week.
I don't know if it's truly too late to turn things around. The only thing I can think to do is try to eat, sleep, breathe and cling to AA like a life raft. And pray...a lot.
My 2-year-old daughter has gone to stay with her Nana (mother-in-law) 3 hours away because I became too sick to care for her. I had to sign over temporary custody the day before yesterday.
In the same day, I lost my AH for good. Many will say that is no big loss, considering everything he has done and that he is an abusive monster, but the pain is there nonetheless. I also lost one of my closest friends in the process when she didn't understand some of the decisions I was making due to being to ill with alcoholism and depression such as needing to have the baby taken care of by somebody else for a while.
I am about a week away from being homeless, and it has come down to just a couple hundred dollars. I have been too sick to work much in the past 3 weeks from the depression, and my landlord is about to throw me out unless I can come up with it. One of my local churches has intervened with a portion of the money, which is a blessing, but it may be too late and not enough.
This week, I have been closer to suicide than I ever want to be again. The pain was too great, and I honestly didn't see any other way out. The thought of causing my children pain is the sole reason I'm still here right now and still wanting to get help.
I went to AA last night because I was jumping out of my own skin alone here in my little cottage. I simply did not know what else to do. It did seem to calm me down somewhat, and I met a few women after the meeting who were very kind and gave me their numbers. One of them bought me a Big Book. I really hadn't intended to get up for a white chip, but my legs had carried me across the room before I could really think about it. I believe it is my only hope.
I feel so ugly in every way, so diseased and sick. I feel like I've been possessed for the last 3 years and am just starting to open my eyes and see the damage done. I have lost more during that period of time than a lot of people have in a lifetime. More importantly, I have lost my integrity. I have been selfish, manipulative and unkind. I don't even recognize my own belief system anymore. I've gone from living in a half-million dollar home to potentially living in my car next week.
I don't know if it's truly too late to turn things around. The only thing I can think to do is try to eat, sleep, breathe and cling to AA like a life raft. And pray...a lot.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In my head...tis dark in here!
Posts: 213
Hi Cath
Firstly, welldone on receiving your chip!
So sorry to read about what you are going through right now
...I think that it is good that you had the foresight to make provisions for the care of your daughter while you're feeling like this and working out your road to recovery...shows that you really care IMHO... dont beat yourself up about that, you've shown a good sense of responsibility and awareness...too many people refuse to let go of their children (temporarily) due to ego, they feel they have failed (really not the case)... IMO it is far better that she be in a loving secure environment with someone she knows and loves while you can work on getting your life back on track, rather than witnessing her mother at her lowest point, suffering from all the re-percussions that alcohol brings....
Have you been to see a doctor for your depression?...that would be the first port of call if it were me...then you can start getting back to work. If there is no other way of getting money together before you are evicted, is there anything that you can sell...you mentioned a car?...this can be bought again when you are back on your feet.
Welldone on getting to AA...keep going...stay strong and take one hour at a time...things WILL get better...don't dwell on what you have lost...be thankful that your child is safe (think of it as a holiday/vacation for her)...and work your arse off at getting your side of the bargain together...you will see the materialistic stuff re-appear at some point...and when it does I bet it wont be half as important up against the other stuff you will have acquired mentally and physically ....good luck!
Firstly, welldone on receiving your chip!
So sorry to read about what you are going through right now
...I think that it is good that you had the foresight to make provisions for the care of your daughter while you're feeling like this and working out your road to recovery...shows that you really care IMHO... dont beat yourself up about that, you've shown a good sense of responsibility and awareness...too many people refuse to let go of their children (temporarily) due to ego, they feel they have failed (really not the case)... IMO it is far better that she be in a loving secure environment with someone she knows and loves while you can work on getting your life back on track, rather than witnessing her mother at her lowest point, suffering from all the re-percussions that alcohol brings....Have you been to see a doctor for your depression?...that would be the first port of call if it were me...then you can start getting back to work. If there is no other way of getting money together before you are evicted, is there anything that you can sell...you mentioned a car?...this can be bought again when you are back on your feet.
Welldone on getting to AA...keep going...stay strong and take one hour at a time...things WILL get better...don't dwell on what you have lost...be thankful that your child is safe (think of it as a holiday/vacation for her)...and work your arse off at getting your side of the bargain together...you will see the materialistic stuff re-appear at some point...and when it does I bet it wont be half as important up against the other stuff you will have acquired mentally and physically ....good luck!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Hi there
I had bad depression, thinking the same thoughts...not good! Since having been in AA and actually doing some, what is actually quite simple, work with a sponsor and the steps the depression has gone. This is also due to the absolute fact that the **** you are putting into yourself is absolutely affecting your mind so IMO you need to get sober to figure out if you are really depressed or whether this is situational depression. I did anti-depressants last year and this is just my experience remember.
Keep going to meetings, you are spot on with the thinking that you are ****** and the only place for you to recover is in the rooms of AA, i tried everything else meds, resonance treatment, rehab etc. It took loads of beatings from booze and the consequences to get me to AA!
I also learned it doesn't matter how much i have, i will lose it at some point anyway unless i get sobriety. You are definitely not alone in this and you can get off at this stop, cos i believe the bottom is the coffin, and there are loads more 'bottoms' before hitting that one eaach more miserable and drastic than the previous.
Could be a fresh start for you round the corner and a life that you could have never imagined for yourself and your family, if you really want it:-)
I had bad depression, thinking the same thoughts...not good! Since having been in AA and actually doing some, what is actually quite simple, work with a sponsor and the steps the depression has gone. This is also due to the absolute fact that the **** you are putting into yourself is absolutely affecting your mind so IMO you need to get sober to figure out if you are really depressed or whether this is situational depression. I did anti-depressants last year and this is just my experience remember.
Keep going to meetings, you are spot on with the thinking that you are ****** and the only place for you to recover is in the rooms of AA, i tried everything else meds, resonance treatment, rehab etc. It took loads of beatings from booze and the consequences to get me to AA!
I also learned it doesn't matter how much i have, i will lose it at some point anyway unless i get sobriety. You are definitely not alone in this and you can get off at this stop, cos i believe the bottom is the coffin, and there are loads more 'bottoms' before hitting that one eaach more miserable and drastic than the previous.
Could be a fresh start for you round the corner and a life that you could have never imagined for yourself and your family, if you really want it:-)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Cath, I went from being homeless and living in a homeless program and I'm now an Office Manager and have a roof over my head (a pretty decent one as well) my kids are in my life and it's so much better today.
Where you're at is the pits, that's for sure but you can come back stronger than ever.
Congrats on picking up that white chip. I suggest finding a sponsor, I'm betting you can really use some great "go-to" support right now.
I'll be rooting for you. Keep reading and posting. :ghug3
Where you're at is the pits, that's for sure but you can come back stronger than ever.
Congrats on picking up that white chip. I suggest finding a sponsor, I'm betting you can really use some great "go-to" support right now.
I'll be rooting for you. Keep reading and posting. :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 666
Hi Cath,
Well done on the white chip. As they say, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." You're on your way.
Please know that things can and will get better. Your post sounds like something I might have written 13 years ago. I cannot begin to tell you how much my life has changed since then.
Listen to Vegibean - her story is like that of hundreds of thousands of other women (my wife included). Hang in there.
Mike
Well done on the white chip. As they say, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." You're on your way.
Please know that things can and will get better. Your post sounds like something I might have written 13 years ago. I cannot begin to tell you how much my life has changed since then.
Listen to Vegibean - her story is like that of hundreds of thousands of other women (my wife included). Hang in there.
Mike
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Welcome to SR! Yes it IS possible to turn things around and it starts by staying sober. Things may not improve as quickly as you'd like, but they will get better. Lots of support here as well as in AA. I'm glad you found us!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Thanks for checking in with us. We care about you!
I'm so glad your daughter is being taken care of by family. She will be cared for and loved. You will be able to to focus on taking care of yourself and getting the help you need.
Please call the women in your AA group anytime. They will understand what you are going through. When you are feeling lonely and beaten down, pick up the phone.
Please be gentle with yourself. You didn't arrive in this situation overnight. It was a process. Your recovery will happen one step at a time, one day at a time. It will be a journey worth traveling as you learn more about yourself and how to love yourself.
I am concerned about your relationship with AH. Where is he?
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Thanks to everyone.
Pelican, AH lives about 20 minutes away from me. We have been living separately for a few months, but still had been together and trying to work things out. I begged him to help me and my daughter when the depression and alcoholism were at their worst, but he basically left us to rot and told me to straighten up and take care of my responsibilities. He refused to help with the baby in any way himself, although his family is now helping.
On Monday, a friend of mine called the police out to my house because she was afraid I was going to hurt myself. The police called AH to come and get our daughter, and AH acted all concerned about both of us and told the officer he was going to get us both some help. The policeman drove me to the hospital, and AH immediately dumped the baby on one of my friends (the one I told you I had lost for good) and went back to work.
Now, AH is saying that he can't be of help to me because it interferes with his "lifestyle," and he blames me for losing our daughter. He says I should give him a call when I am more "stable." He is truly a monster, but at the same time it hurts me because I had believed he actually had love for me underneath it all. Not true.
Pelican, AH lives about 20 minutes away from me. We have been living separately for a few months, but still had been together and trying to work things out. I begged him to help me and my daughter when the depression and alcoholism were at their worst, but he basically left us to rot and told me to straighten up and take care of my responsibilities. He refused to help with the baby in any way himself, although his family is now helping.
On Monday, a friend of mine called the police out to my house because she was afraid I was going to hurt myself. The police called AH to come and get our daughter, and AH acted all concerned about both of us and told the officer he was going to get us both some help. The policeman drove me to the hospital, and AH immediately dumped the baby on one of my friends (the one I told you I had lost for good) and went back to work.
Now, AH is saying that he can't be of help to me because it interferes with his "lifestyle," and he blames me for losing our daughter. He says I should give him a call when I am more "stable." He is truly a monster, but at the same time it hurts me because I had believed he actually had love for me underneath it all. Not true.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
Never forget that drinking is NO solution to ANY problem.
Keep going to AA... resist the temptation to be alone.
The people in AA are a powerful web of security, share about your thoughts.
Keep coming back.
Keep going to AA... resist the temptation to be alone.
The people in AA are a powerful web of security, share about your thoughts.
Keep coming back.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Please get a strong network of women in recovery. You need a network that you can trust.
Remember our triggers happen when we are Hungry, Lonely, Tired and Angry (HALT). You will experience all of these emotions in your recovery. It's good to feel your emotions instead of drowning them. I love my Angry, Tired, Lonely, and Hungry self! You will too!
Just beware of AH. He may sense your recovery and try to manipulate his way back into your life. You will need every ounce of energy to focus on your needs.
Keep us posted, we care about you!
Remember our triggers happen when we are Hungry, Lonely, Tired and Angry (HALT). You will experience all of these emotions in your recovery. It's good to feel your emotions instead of drowning them. I love my Angry, Tired, Lonely, and Hungry self! You will too!
Just beware of AH. He may sense your recovery and try to manipulate his way back into your life. You will need every ounce of energy to focus on your needs.
Keep us posted, we care about you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 1,493
hello cath and welcopme to sr.alot of people think that things could not get any worse when they walk into the rooms of AA.this is where things can start to get a whole lot better for you.i dint lose my home but i lost my daughter.she was 12 and went to live 400 miles away with my sister because of my alcoholism.i thought things couldnt get worse but they did over a period of four years.i went to AA at the begining of the year.at first i went to lots of meetings and used the phone numbers i was given.please please ring the ladies that have given you their numbers,if you make AA contact in the morning and several times a day this will help immensly.i also got a sponsor quickly and got on the 12 step recovery programme.without it i would not have been able to stay sober.the fellowship and meetings are not enough for me.my life has changed beyond recognition in a very short space of time.i have the trust of my family back,my daughter (she is 17 now) are on very good terms,my finances are not bad these days and i have a little job.more importantly i have my self respect and morals back.but most of all i have peace of mind and i am happy almost all of the time.i would suggest to you,you go at this with everything you have got,throw yourself into it,you will be amazed at the results.phone folk,as many as you can,ask for more numbers,ask to make coffee or wash up at meetings,get a big book and get a sponsor asap and get on the steps.if i can be of any help to you please pm me any time you wish,i will be here to help if you want it.i wish you well cath.this can be the begining of something wonderful,i can guarantee that if you put the work in you will get results.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
I don't know if it's truly too late to turn things around. The only thing I can think to do is try to eat, sleep, breathe and cling to AA like a life raft. And pray...a lot.
Is it to late? Not no, but hell no!!!! It is never to late. There is a lady in the rooms in my area that her and her husband I am close friends with, let me tell you a bit of her story.
Just over 7 years ago her mother had her children because the courts had taken them from her.
Her first husband and her were living out of a car in DC and had been living in that car for several years, she was not only an alcoholic with out a job, but also a herion addict! How she got money to support her habit I have never asked, none of my business and it does not matter.
Long story short, 6 years ago she kicked her habit cold turkey and left her husband.
She some how found her way to Woodbridge Va., there is an Alano club there (AA). Where she stayed I do not know, but she said that every minute that club was open she was there!!!
There were AA meetings in that club every day several times a day and she went to every meeting.
She got a sponsor, stayed clean and sober and found a job. After she had been sober a little over a year she met the man who is now her husband, he too had been a herion addict and an alcoholic as well.
After she divorced her first husband who was still living in that car in DC, her and her future husband moved to Fredericksburg.
They soon got married.
She went to the courts and after jumping through all kinds of legal hoops she got her children back! Her and her husband soon had a child of thier own!
Look Cath, the program of AA is what an alcoholic herion addict living in a car on the streets of DC in a car used to not only get her clean and sober, but gave her her life back, allowed her to get her children back, get married to a wonderful loving man with whom she has a child now.
Cath it is never to late!
AA is full of miracles!!!! I could write a book on the ones I know personally, people who went much further down then where you are at right now.
If you want what those ladies have who gave you thier phone numbers, then CALL them right now, tell them flat out "I want what you have, will you help me to get it?" The answer will be yes, you see they have been where you are at right now and they found a solution for thier alcoholism, the same solution that I found along with millions of others.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
It is definetly not too late Cath. I had my daughter at 24 and was divorced by the time she was 10 months old. I was deeply depressed and turned to alcohol and drugs, I sent my daughter to live with her paternal grandmother for several months because I knew I was in no shape to care for her. You have done right by your daughter. I was able to pull myself together and got my daughter back and held myself together for about 10 yrs (I continued to drink but not excessively), I did it all on my own with no help-I then fell back into drinking and messed up my daughters teenage years pretty bad. If I'd gotten help at 25, whether AA, psychiatric, or something else I may not have fallen apart again. I was depressed all my life, but since I've been sober the depression has lifted and it is awesome. As other have said take the help offered to you, build a support network. Build up YOU. I wish you strength and peace.
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Thank you all. I went to another meeting this morning and shared this time. It helped to calm me down.
My AH keeps telling me that he thinks we should take a "break" until I am better, and then I can give him a call when that happens. OMG.
Will go to the 8:30 meeting tonight and also call the nice girl that bought me the Big Book. Meetings and work are the only things I can think of to do right now.
My AH keeps telling me that he thinks we should take a "break" until I am better, and then I can give him a call when that happens. OMG.
Will go to the 8:30 meeting tonight and also call the nice girl that bought me the Big Book. Meetings and work are the only things I can think of to do right now.
Miracles Happen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 9,977
Cath, when I first realized I needed to get sober and stay sober, I grabbed on to AA like it was a life preserver, because that's exactly what it was. I went to 3 meetings a day, cried and asked for someone to be my sponsor and I got one, started to call people who gave me their numbers, begging them to help me stay sober. I did whatever it took, I had no other options left, I was as low as one can possible go, and little by little, with the help of AA friends who got me through all those days and nights, I will celebrate 1 year this month. My life has gotten so much better, I finally found a job a few weeks ago, I no longer wish for the end, I am so grateful that I am among the living and sober today. I know you can do this, I believe in you. I promise it will get better if you just don't pick up and continue to use AA as your life preserver.
Take time to take care of YOU right now, your kids are cared for, forget the husband right now, because NONE of that will matter if you don't get well. You deserve better.
Take time to take care of YOU right now, your kids are cared for, forget the husband right now, because NONE of that will matter if you don't get well. You deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 957
((cath))
Never lost a child, but please know U did the right thing. She is safe, R U?
Forget the AH, the only thing he cares about is himself....God has a better future 4 U.
Keep going to those meetings. Hang on, stay strong, I'm rooting 4 U.
Keep posting.
Never lost a child, but please know U did the right thing. She is safe, R U?
Forget the AH, the only thing he cares about is himself....God has a better future 4 U.
Keep going to those meetings. Hang on, stay strong, I'm rooting 4 U.
Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Welcome back Glenna
The elevator has two buttons in it
up or down, keep pushing the "up" button and your life will change beyond measure
Tazman is right in this thread, in AA miracles become commonplace, i mean there is literally no other word for it but miracle, you do your part, show up, go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, we'll do our part and I promise you God will do "his part" and your life will change beyond your wildest dreams.
I am not a "mushy thinker", nor a "christian", as a matter of fact I could be referred to as an atheist/agnostic with some accuracy, but I promise you with all of the earnestness at my command that if you do these things (go to meetings, get a sponsor, do what they say, and work the steps) miracles will happen, your life will change into something you don't recognize.
I have seen it thousands of times with my own two eyes.
Welcome Home, I truly hope that you are done pushing the "down" button
The elevator has two buttons in it
up or down, keep pushing the "up" button and your life will change beyond measure
Tazman is right in this thread, in AA miracles become commonplace, i mean there is literally no other word for it but miracle, you do your part, show up, go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, we'll do our part and I promise you God will do "his part" and your life will change beyond your wildest dreams.
I am not a "mushy thinker", nor a "christian", as a matter of fact I could be referred to as an atheist/agnostic with some accuracy, but I promise you with all of the earnestness at my command that if you do these things (go to meetings, get a sponsor, do what they say, and work the steps) miracles will happen, your life will change into something you don't recognize.
I have seen it thousands of times with my own two eyes.
Welcome Home, I truly hope that you are done pushing the "down" button
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