One hell of a summer
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Good to have you back, firestorm.
In general, the more hopeless you are, the better chance you have. When the options come down to get sober or die, we get pretty motivated. We get willing to do whatever it takes. The hopelessness jars the ego enough that it cracks the door to a psychic change.
Getting sober is tough. I know it doesn't seem fair. Some people just get past the first week and life seems to sail along. They never give it a second thought. But for most of us hard core alcoholics, the problem goes a lot deeper.
Desperation of a drowning man. Is that what you have?
Get those experiences deep down in your heart. Find yourself a home group full of book thumpers. Commit with no reservations.
In general, the more hopeless you are, the better chance you have. When the options come down to get sober or die, we get pretty motivated. We get willing to do whatever it takes. The hopelessness jars the ego enough that it cracks the door to a psychic change.
Getting sober is tough. I know it doesn't seem fair. Some people just get past the first week and life seems to sail along. They never give it a second thought. But for most of us hard core alcoholics, the problem goes a lot deeper.
Desperation of a drowning man. Is that what you have?
Originally Posted by firestorm090 
The events and experiences of these past few weeks have left my head spinning...
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Desperation of a drowning man. Is that what you have?
Alcohol broke me down into a man without hope, I drank when I did not want to drink, before reaching that point I would quit swearing I would never drink again and always wound up drunk again, the last 5 years of my drinking I did not draw a sober breath.
When I got out of detox I thought I was going nuts!!!! My mind was screaming at me to stop and get a 12 pack for the ride home and at the same time my soul was screaming at me that if I drink I will wind up dead!!!! I was desperate for a solution that would quiet the screaming in my head.
I was desperate enough to actually follow directions even though I really did not see how they could possibly help me!
The folks in detox suggested that if I wanted a CHANCE to stay sober to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor. I was desperate enough that I got a temporary sponsor the same night I got out of detox and I went to more then 90 meetings in 90 days.
In AA it was suggested that if I wanted long term sobriety to take the steps with a sponsor. I really became desperate enough to take the steps with a sponsor when I came REALLY close to a relapse at 2 months sober.
Well thanks to the Gift Of Desperation I was WILLING to follow suggestions and as a result today as long as I mainatain my spiritual condition fit daily I am FREE! Free of the bonds of my alcoholism and self. I have a solution for life that works for me so well that alcohol in no way, shape, form, or fashion is even thought of as a solution for anything.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Try to find any and all forms of help. I just got back from my first class in an 8 week relapse prevention course. It is offered through my rehab center. I ran into my therapist before the class and she asked me if I want to continue to see her while I am taking the course. You bet I do! I told her.
I need whatever is available for sobriety. I relapsed this summer for a few days, after making it through so many tough craving situations, parties, drinking occasions, etc. I relapsed because I didn't prepare myself for being at one party. I feel frustrated that I enjoyed such a great sober summer and I then I let my guard down.
Don't give up! Please keep coming back here and going back to other forms of programs that can support you.
You are worth it!
I need whatever is available for sobriety. I relapsed this summer for a few days, after making it through so many tough craving situations, parties, drinking occasions, etc. I relapsed because I didn't prepare myself for being at one party. I feel frustrated that I enjoyed such a great sober summer and I then I let my guard down.
Don't give up! Please keep coming back here and going back to other forms of programs that can support you.
You are worth it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Jareni, thank you for posting here and welcome to SR. I am honored that you chose my thread in which to post your first time and welcome all future posts from you. I wish you well on your new journey toward a better life.
Thanks again to all of you who have openly and unconditionally welcomed me back to the fold. This group saved my butt a few times and I now need to rely upon your graciousness once again. The labor-day weekend is here, so I may cancel a trip I had planned and just stay home, the test of withstanding the crowds of people drinking and partying all day seem overwhelming to me now. I'll sleep on it tonight and decide tomorrow. Thanks again, SR.
Thanks again to all of you who have openly and unconditionally welcomed me back to the fold. This group saved my butt a few times and I now need to rely upon your graciousness once again. The labor-day weekend is here, so I may cancel a trip I had planned and just stay home, the test of withstanding the crowds of people drinking and partying all day seem overwhelming to me now. I'll sleep on it tonight and decide tomorrow. Thanks again, SR.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 542
Dear Firestorm, (((((Larger than Life HUGS)))))
I am SO THANKFUL that you came back!! My gosh I can relate to so many of these posts on hear tonight. What really MATTERS though is you DID COME BACK to us at SR!! We couldn't be MORE THRILLED that your alive and okay (hurt and some bad wounds) and still "Willing" to try again. You WILL DO THIS Firestorm! Please keep posting and don't leave us again friend. :praying
Love Pancake xo
I am SO THANKFUL that you came back!! My gosh I can relate to so many of these posts on hear tonight. What really MATTERS though is you DID COME BACK to us at SR!! We couldn't be MORE THRILLED that your alive and okay (hurt and some bad wounds) and still "Willing" to try again. You WILL DO THIS Firestorm! Please keep posting and don't leave us again friend. :praying
Love Pancake xo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Thanks for the warm welcome, Pancake!!!
I think, (now that's a dangerous condition when I start thinking, lol) that one of the keys to learning how to live sober is to never give up trying. I can't tell you how many times I've felt totally hopeless and beyond repair due to my addiction to alcohol. I even feel that way at times today, for my record of recovery has been one of false starts, wishful thinking and then, BAM, another relapse to the ole bottle. Over and over and over again, round and round and round we go, where it stops, no one knows. I know the steps by heart, but can't seem to work them right, my damn ego keeps telling me I'm ok, that one drink won't hurt, that this time will be different, but the results are always the same, wasted days, wasted nights, wasted time, money, and effort. Here's the catch, I drink to escape my life, that I've destroyed by drinking, so I don't want to face my own destruction. I live alone, simply because I don't know how to have a healthy relationship, and I drink to escape my solitude, only to further alienate myself from others who could help me if I would give them a chance. The truth is sometimes I just can't seem to get past the negative tapes of bad experiences that seem to arise most sharply when I've went without booze for a time, so I drink to drown my own thoughts. It helps me to realize why I drink, but the real solution is to simply not drink, regardless of the tapes in my head, all the excuses in the world, and the amount of cash in my pocket. I use money as my gage to determine how well I'm doing, when I have extra money, I feel it's ok to go out, that I earned it, that everyone deserves a break, but that's just another lie I tell myself to keep doing what drives my life into the pits of despair. The really crazy part is that being broke, hung-over, and full of self-loathing seems like a normal condition to me, and when I feel better, I also feel compelled to screw it up by having a few drinks to celebrate the progress I made by not drinking. This is really crazy stuff, but it's how my mind, in it's twisted state, seems to work. I do good for a while, maybe a few days, then I'm off again on another bender, which seems to end up worse than before, then I recoup, then I'm off again. What a life. The final insanity is that knowing all of this, I still want a drink tonight. Now that is just plain crazy.
I think, (now that's a dangerous condition when I start thinking, lol) that one of the keys to learning how to live sober is to never give up trying. I can't tell you how many times I've felt totally hopeless and beyond repair due to my addiction to alcohol. I even feel that way at times today, for my record of recovery has been one of false starts, wishful thinking and then, BAM, another relapse to the ole bottle. Over and over and over again, round and round and round we go, where it stops, no one knows. I know the steps by heart, but can't seem to work them right, my damn ego keeps telling me I'm ok, that one drink won't hurt, that this time will be different, but the results are always the same, wasted days, wasted nights, wasted time, money, and effort. Here's the catch, I drink to escape my life, that I've destroyed by drinking, so I don't want to face my own destruction. I live alone, simply because I don't know how to have a healthy relationship, and I drink to escape my solitude, only to further alienate myself from others who could help me if I would give them a chance. The truth is sometimes I just can't seem to get past the negative tapes of bad experiences that seem to arise most sharply when I've went without booze for a time, so I drink to drown my own thoughts. It helps me to realize why I drink, but the real solution is to simply not drink, regardless of the tapes in my head, all the excuses in the world, and the amount of cash in my pocket. I use money as my gage to determine how well I'm doing, when I have extra money, I feel it's ok to go out, that I earned it, that everyone deserves a break, but that's just another lie I tell myself to keep doing what drives my life into the pits of despair. The really crazy part is that being broke, hung-over, and full of self-loathing seems like a normal condition to me, and when I feel better, I also feel compelled to screw it up by having a few drinks to celebrate the progress I made by not drinking. This is really crazy stuff, but it's how my mind, in it's twisted state, seems to work. I do good for a while, maybe a few days, then I'm off again on another bender, which seems to end up worse than before, then I recoup, then I'm off again. What a life. The final insanity is that knowing all of this, I still want a drink tonight. Now that is just plain crazy.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
I know the steps by heart, but can't seem to work them right
Have you come to believe that your Higher Power can restore you to sanity? Really, truly... If not, maybe you should look at that some more... with a sponsor... or, meditation, prayer.... focus on that, just that.....
Sorry to see you struggling so much there firestorm... I am glad to see you back here though.
Mark
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Thanks Mark,
At this time, I really don't mind the struggle, after all I've been through from drinking, struggling to stay sober, even for one day, is worth it!! Every hour, every minute without a bottle stuck to my face is a blessing. I'm even beginning to think I make the best coffee in the world, huh, who said I was egotistical?? LOL.
Thanks for the part about taking the steps to heart, never really quite thought of them that way, just thought they were a road-map written in a foreign language. Seems I have a ton of work to do. Thanks again.
At this time, I really don't mind the struggle, after all I've been through from drinking, struggling to stay sober, even for one day, is worth it!! Every hour, every minute without a bottle stuck to my face is a blessing. I'm even beginning to think I make the best coffee in the world, huh, who said I was egotistical?? LOL.
Thanks for the part about taking the steps to heart, never really quite thought of them that way, just thought they were a road-map written in a foreign language. Seems I have a ton of work to do. Thanks again.
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