marilynwaits

So. This is my first post. There's a long trail of pain behind me that lead me here. It all kind of forced itself out last night. Which lead me to reading soberrecovery.com posts all day long at work. Not very productive for the job, but it was so helpful for me to see that I'm not alone and to hear everyone's encouraging words.

I'm 23 and have been dating an alcoholic for about a year and a half. When I met him, I was trying to leave a physically and verbally abusive relationship. In hindsight, a new relationship is NOT what I should have been doing with my time, but I did. I fell in love with him. Warning signs be damned.

Awful things transpired as a result of his drinking and I found myself in another codependent relationship. I think for the first half of our relationship, I was still in shock from the last one and couldn't fully adjust to what was going on in the new one. Disassociate much? Big time. Etc. Etc. Same kind of story.

I've been trying to break up with AH for a couple months now. his family won't let him come back home until he goes to rehab. He's conned his way back here a couple of times. Each time he promises he loves me and he will change his life and that he's tired of being an alcoholic. Within two or three days, though, the slurring begins, the hidden empties are found, and our cycle starts all over again.

Last night, he had his new gf :wtf2 pick him up at my apartment. They went drinking together. I locked him out of the apartment. I knew he was wasted. He said she "loves him for who he is." It's all my fault our relationship didn't work. If only I had tried harder. This is what he says. OH! And, of course, he just KNOWWWSS I'm cheating on him, too. Ugh.

I've been trying so hard to accept that all this pain is a part of the disease, but I have trouble accepting that. I want an explanation to help rationalize all this pain he has caused me. I want a reason. I want him to take responsibility. I want to not care that he's off with some new woman. I want to just be free from the pain. All of this wretched, storming pain of losing a love to such a tragic disease.

I'm trying really hard to stay strong and to stick to my guns---no talking to him until he completes a program. But it's hard when he calls and says he misses me and loves me. I just do not understand any of this.

trying....

Dee74

Hi Marilyn

It's pretty clear to me you know what to do - but I know it can be hard to do that.

You;re not alone tho - AlAnon is often a great support, as well us here

You might want to check out our Family and Friends Forum as well
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I know others with more experience with your kind of situation will post - I just wanted to welcome you to SR. Glad to have you here
D

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

You'll find lots of support and information here.

tommyk

Welcome to SR.

smacked

Ok, the mind of an active addict/alcoholic cannot produce the things you want. Learning how to detach from it, and move forward loving YOURSELF is key. There is no explanation, there's probably tons of rationalizations, and there's not a reason that will take your pain away. He will not take responsibility.

Now what do you do for you? It reads like you're taking some great first steps in taking care of yourself..

Reese321

I learned some very hard lessons when I was in Iraq. I learned that you must always put yourself first. ALWAYS. This is just the way it must be. Only then can you help others.

If you really want to endure what this individual has put you through (and will continue to put you through), then you need to find a way to deal with it. Is it worth it? This is a key question.

If the answer is yes, then I don't see any other path than to present this individual with an ultimatum.

If the answer is no, then you need to disentangle yourself from this relationship and start taking care of yourself.

Sounds like an ultimatum unto itself, doesn't it?

Sometimes life comes down to just that. An ultimatum. Either give it to yourself, or to him. Which seems more worthwhile?

Remember, than you cannot fix people, regardless of what they may have "seemed" to give you in the past. A person can only fix themselves, because the hardest parts of life must be won and overcome by them, and only them.

I wish you much luck, and hope only the best.

marilynwaits

thank you, everyone, for your support. it means a lot.

I have always had trouble putting myself first. Which is ironic, because the bf always wanted to say how selfish i was when i wanted some time to myself away from the chaos.

best of luck to all of you.

Missybuns

Welcome to SR

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

For myself, I can't explain the reason. It just is what alcoholics and addicts do.. What I find very helpful is fully accepting my end in all of it.

If you stick around long enough you might see this phrase repeated:

There are no victims, only volunteers.

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

monkey1

Welcome to SR Marilyn.

Wolfchild

marilynwaits

hm... no victims, only volunteers. That's very interesting. My therapist said the other day that AH take emotional hostages. I think it's along the same lines. I like volunteers better, because I have agency... I CAN help myself out of this bad situation. I CAN say enough is enough. I CAN just pray for him and leave it up to God and work on saving my sanity in the meantime. Thank you.

thirtybubba

Welcome, and I'm glad to hear that SR's already helped you out.

Stay around some, and keep posting.

-TB.

Sikkisirus

You've been given great advice already so i'll just say

pillzrbadd

Glad you're here at SR, Keep coming back

pinpoint

Until he DOES something to show you he's willing to change don't believe him. And don't wait around too long- sometimes walkin away makes the much needed change happen and it will also give you room to breathe. You aren't a failure if you leave. You have tried and until the alky/junky knows they want to get clean, you've done all you can. Be proud of yourself.