Its so much more than just putting it down
 

You know I have been here for over 2 yrs. I never even gave recovery a thought until I found this site. I was lost in that doper mentality of thats how life was suppose to be. I was so lost in it that it really never dawned on me to try and stop.
I have had so much happen in this past 2 yrs. It seemed like the walls came crashing down when I acknowledged my addiction as a problem and decided to try and change. It seemed the more I was aware of my addiction and recovery. The worse I got. The harder it became. The more resentful I got.
And it was all in the awareness of it all.
You cant resent things you dont relize or think about.
So many false starts. So many realizations of how big of a problem it is.
I thought it would be faily simple. And it is. But not really.
I have always seen people say they had that moment of clarity. And I was like...What the heck are they talking about.
I had my pink cloud moments where all seemed wonderful and on the right track. But it was very short lived.
I fell hard every time off that dam cloud.
It was because I got too comfortable.
BUT..the biggest thing was that I wasnt doing anthing else besides putting the drugs down. I was living, thinking , acting the saem way. Just without being high. I wasnt making any type of progress in any aspect of my life. I was just a smokeless drug addict.
You all know I have felt like I have had a huge awakening the past few months.
It is sorta like the last ones. But not really. This feeling has been going strong for a few months now. I am still motivated and determined more than ever this round.
I really have no idea where this new found determination came from. I really dont care.
This all just seems so much different than before.
And I cant help but think that it has alot to do with effort and actions.
Before I didnt do much else. Just tried to not get high and that was it. Didnt last long. And found myself right back to square one many times.
This time..And without even thinking about it as recovery related. I have done quite a bit of progress within myself.
With school, my job, my family, How I think, How I react to things, How I feel. How I interact with the rest of the world. It is all different this time.
I find myself having normal converstions very easily with everyone. Making new friends. And reconnecting with old ones.
Just DOING things. Not just hoping they will happen on their own.
I am being more social with people at work. I dont feel liek a troll or something anymore.
I feel human for once. I feel like I have a purpose and that I matter.
I have this new confidence. I am excited about things that terrify me. LOL. Like school. I dont stess over money and bills anymore. I am doing anything I can to make my gram happy. I am talking with her more everyday. Spending more time with her. Playing more with the lil cousins. Being more patient with them and being the responsible adult I know I can be.
I still have my moments. But they are fewa and far between anymore. I have so many good days compared to bad ones.
I have hope and goals.
It is just like a lightbulb turned on.
It is just the best I have felt ever. The hope I have now is amazing. The gratitude for nothing at all that is driving me.
I am not scared anymore. Not ashamed.
I am just so excited about everything. Like a kid experiencing something wonderful for the first time.
It doesnt happen on its own. And it goes way beyond just putting the **** down.
Words cant explain how I feel inside and out.
I guess you could say that I may have had my moment of clarity.
I just wanted to share my thoughts. As I have been reflecting alot on this topic for awhile.
It wasnt pklanned. It just happened and I took it and ran with it.
And I aint stopping.

I gotta say it.....it sorta reminds me of Forrest Gump, Trish. :lmao

BUT!

I hope you take this for all it's worth, run as hard and fast as you can, and only look back when you can learn from the mistakes. It's a wild ride, enjoy every moment. :hug:

Run Trish Run!!! Sho nuff. I am gonna run like the cops are chasing me with this one..LOL

Run like its an episode of Cops Trish LOL
:You_Rock_

D

Now, see, THIS is the ((Trish)) we've always known was behind the shadows, just waiting to come out. I'm so very, very proud of you and how far you've come!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

..there is something about you,that I/we..love..Oz..

trish,

Ah-Ha! Moment!

happy to hear, your becoming all that you can be...

we saved you a seat on that Pink Cloud...

and it can be a lifetime thing sweety,

you may be running now, soon, it can be a just fast gate! lol

try to always be ahead of the pot-holes, rocks, and stumps along the way...

and if one should stumble,

pull the Rip-Cord on that Pink Parachute...

the landing will be a hell of a lot softer...


wishing you all of the best!


patrick

Trish you sound great, keep going strong,

there is a whole world that awaits you. :hugs:

You DO have a purpose. You DO matter, very much.

Thanks for sharing, Trish. Powerful stuff.

That's a great post!

I'm glad you're doing so well.

That is a good analogy. I to have come to realize that as I take certain actions (throw the switch) it illuminates my life (lightbulb turns on).

IMO what we are dealing with is the Universal Law of Reciprocity (what goes around comes around).

Trish,

Nice to see you get some traction with this.

What a wonderful post! Good for YOU!

Cool!

Congratulations Trish. Be proud of yourself, bask in your own wisdom, intelligence and clarity. I can only imagine that all the people around you appreciate you more than you may realize - especially "gram."

A smart person learns from their own mistakes,,, but a smarter person learns from everyone else's mistakes.

Trish, your post gave me "happy bumps"!!! YAY!!!!!!! Reading that made me feel really good inside for you. Keep it up Girl, you ARE UNSTOPPABLE!!!!!!!!!!!! :supernan:abcq:

YEEHAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Thx everyone. I feel so amazing. and its not just a phase. I have been feeling liek this for awhile now. I mean I still have off days. But you know what I mean.
Yesterday was just an awesome day.
I went and had lunch with my best friend from middle and high school. And another friend from back then stopped by too.
The one who's house I went to..>She was my best friend for a loooong time. We became room mates even in our early 20's. We were inseperable. Her mom was like my gram and I love her family like my own. But if you read my thread from a couple weeks ago..About how I did her wrong by taking off with her car one day and getting high. We havent really spoken since. And that was like 12 yrs ago.
I got to see her..Her new baby. I even got to see her mom. MAn it was like coming home after being gone so long. I had a great time and I was so happy that we got to hang out. I have a feeling we will be doing more of it.
THEN!! I went to Cruefest last night!! Oh YEA!! What a great show. Godsmack really rocked the house down. Motley kinda sucked. They played the entire Dr Feelgood album. I hated that album. But Godsmack def ripped it up.
I know now why people say to not isolate..Especially in early recovery.
All the times before I was like what they call a dry drunk...But with drugs. I wasnt doing anything different except trying not to get high.
Now I am doing things to improve my life. In all ways possible. And just going and doing things. With people other than myself or family has been a great big help.
I havent had ANY friends at all since becoming a full time addict. Its been a very long time since I mingled with real friends.
I feel like I did before I became addicted.
I just feel like I have been reborn or something.
I am floatin on pure natural joy here lately.
I am so freakin excited about school too.
I thought I would wear that out like a phase..But I am more motivated than ever now.
I am doing things and following through. That is what is making the difference.

Shhhhhhh. Did anyone hear that? It's the sound of someone in recovery living life on life's terms :bigok:

Yayyyyyy Trish!

Sounds fantastic! I am very happy for you. It's good that you are taking into consideration the ground beneath you, because unfortunately life can't be lived on cloud nine.

Life is never a fairy tale, but sometimes it can feel like it. Those are the monents worth living for. Good luck and rock on!