One main reason that I didn't want to stop drinking was because I did NOT like myself and when I drank I escaped ME, and I was a blackout drunk so I didn't totally realize that I hated me even more drunk. The last night I drank I wanted so much to escape me that I nearly killed myself and wound up in the hospital with a hole in my liver. I did not like living life sober because I did NOT like ME. Over the course of 12-18 months I learned to forgive myself and others who had harmed me and I learned to love ME. I have no desire to drink alcohol anymore because I do not want to miss 1 more second of this beautiful gift of life that God has given us.

Oatmeal and Seehseef -- Great posts! I can totally relate to the Drunk Me, Sober Me thing. I hate the Drunk Me. Really do. She has nothing to do with me, my personality and who I really am. No wonder I drank to get away from her. I used to write things down in my day planner while drunk -- things to remind myself of what I needed to do. I could always tell my drunk hand writing from my sober hand writing. Not that the sober writing was neater (it was not).... it was if while I was drunk I was deliberately trying to be neat because it was so difficult to write. I'd see something in my day planner and say, "Wrote that drunk. Does it make sense?" Half the time it did, half the time it didn't (some wacky idea). It is amazing what a cycle you can get yourself in and drink to avoid the pain of something you did the last time you were drunk.... crazy.

Smacked, "ARE selfish and manipulative, drunks or not". I think for some people they drink partly because they don't like their own selfish behavior, become addicted to the bottle and have become involved in a very very negative feedback loop. I have similar issues and have been doing some SMART workouts as well as AA 12 step work. I will likely give AA meeting and a sponsor another shot as well. I am on day 31. As best I can figure right now change that we want can happen, yet like most everything else worth while it does take work. Best of luck. "Fake it 'till 'ya make it".

hello ej.there is no way on this earth i could have quit on my own for any length of time.at the begining of the year i went to AA.i just attended meetings and after a month i picked up again.i didnt want to drink anymore,i wanted desperately off the treadmill.i came to the realisation that i was powerless over alcohol and that my life was unmanageable.i got a sponsor as soon as i could and got on the steps.in 7 months my life and myself have changed beyond recognition.i am happy,never bored or lonely and get the most pleasure out of life when i am helping other people without wanting anything in return.i was a bottom of the heap alki in the end of 20 yrs of drinking,if someone had told me what things would be like now just a few months ago i would think them quite mad.stopping drinking is not enough for me.i now have a programme for living in my life and live life on lifes terms.it is so much simpler this way.im never dissapointed.