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Disgusted in myself

Old 08-28-2009, 07:58 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Hi Ellie, welcome to SR. I too could have written your story several yrs ago (w/o the cancer glad you conquered that!). The only thing you can do is stop completely. I didn't drink every day but when I did 99% of the time is was all or nothing and I'd black out and not remember a thing. Just about every Sunday I'd swear I would stop drinking then by Tuesday or Wednesday I'd buy a bottle of wine. Then my daughter grew up moved out on her own I was lonely, I was bored, I drank...it just kept getting worse and more often. I had no idea who/what Judy was w/o my wine. AA is not the only way, it wasn't for me, however, the AA book was the best book I ever read and I read it over and over; and following the 12 steps has led me to living a life that I am proud of and that I love.
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Old 08-28-2009, 08:59 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Ellie first let me welcome you to SR, I want you to know that if you are willing to do what ever it takes, you never have to drink again unless you want to.

I know I have a reputation of being a boozehound.
Okay so you already have a reputation of being a booze hound, I was nick named "the one armed man" in my old neighborhood while I was drinking because I was NEVER seen without a cold one in my hand, reputations can be changed.

I am not at a point that I can risk it getting around that I'm in AA. I'm just not ready for that.
So having a reputation as a booze hound as you already mentioned is better then having a reputation as being some one who is doing something about thier drinking problem by going to AA?

Hon reread what you said?

I have gone in 3 short years from being "the one armed man", basically the neighborhood drunk, to according to my own children as the father other kids would like to have and the guy others call on when they need a hand.

No one knows me as "That guy who goes to AA!" I do not keep it a secret at all, nor do I advertise it.

Today I am not known as a member of AA by anyone outside of the rooms of AA, I am known as some one people trust and can rely upon.

Alcohol took me first to the point where I just did not give a damn if I was refered to, or known as a drunk.

The second place alcohol took me to was a point where I knew it was going to kill me if I did not find a way to stop drinking and stay stopped.

The third place alcohol took me to was to AA!!!

AA is the place I found respect for myself and my fellow man! It is the place I learned how to live life on lifes terms sober and happy. It is the place I have to thank for being the man I am today, a man that not only respects himself, but is respected by others.

Think long and hard about what I quoted you on...... you admit you are already known as a booze hound in your small town, if it is anything like the small towns I have lived in then EVERYONE knows you as a booze hound, the people at work know it to.

How many people do you know in your small town that go to AA?

I bet you know a whole lot more then you think you do! We do not advertise that we are in AA, we may let someone know we are in AA, but the last thing I nor the VAST majority of AA members would ever do is to say who else they know that is in AA.

Keep in mind, AA stands for Alcoholics Anonymous, not Alcoholics Advertising.

"Oh" my some one who knows you might say IF they found out that Elsie is going to AA, "Elsie has decided she doesn't want to be a booze hound any more."

Today, for me, I prefer to be known as a recovering alcoholic much more then I would like to be known as a drunk!
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Old 08-28-2009, 09:07 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Welcome to SR! Lots of support here so keep coming back. It IS possible to stop drinking and stay sober. Read and post your questions and problems. We care.
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Old 08-28-2009, 09:32 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Thumbs up Someone did know me in AA...



Hi Ellie,

Your post is very close to where I was when I quit drinking. I was 48 & sick of living the way I was. I was a single Mom with one of my five children still home. I was drinking every night after work & all day on the weekends.

I had a low-income job with no benefits + a good child support so we were making it with me drinking at home.

I wasn't even able to crawl to bed on my last drunk...I had to be put on a sleeping bag & dragged to bed by my daughter & now husband. This was on the 4th of July & by the 10th of July I was in the hospital getting a medical detox.

I had gone to Mental Health to get an appointment for help with my depression, anxiety, & drinking that next week. This was 21 years ago & I am still sober & still take medication for my chemically imbalanced depression which I have had since a teen.

I have many life experiences that made me think I deserved to drink to drown my sorrow but that only made my depression & alcoholism worse.

I wanted to quit drinking more than anything in my life so I stuck with the AA Program, my counseling for Depression/Anxiety & a different Group Counselor for my Alcoholism. I live in a small rural area & some of us did know each other. One of our Judges for court is in AA, also another Judges wife is in AA. As they say, alcoholism doesn't care if you are rich, poor, black or white..it is not choosy about who follows this path. :day6

Please keep coming back. We have lots of our own experience, strength & hope to share with you.

kelsh
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Old 08-28-2009, 06:04 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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I can understand so completely the views on going to AA, and I should not worry about who sees me there. I wasn't entirely clear before. Certain people in certain circles think of me as a "boozehound" or at least someone who really likes red wine. I am not joking when I say going to AA could really be a detriment to my career. Part of it is also that I'm really not comfortable talking openly about this with anyone. I was in counselling a while back and hardly could discuss it with my therapist. Maybe when I become more comfortable with the person I am I will feel differently. I'm just not ready right now. That being said, about 13 years ago I did go to a few AA meetings. I did not have the job I do now and I was with an abusive man at the time. After a night of drinking I knew the next day I would be in for it with him so I called AA so that he would see I was trying to get help. I did go to about two or three meetings. This was quite a while ago and I wasn't at the stage I am now with my drinking so I may feel differently, but I did not feel I got much from them then. I am grateful that I found this site though, because it is nice to see that I have support. I'm scared about what the next few days will bring. I always cave in on my alcohol addiction between day 5-7 (if not sooner). I know that reading these posts and learning more is helping me. At this point I have to say that I find every day life mundane and I do not enjoy sobriety. I can only hope that will change. I read another post tonight about someone who said something about the excitement they feel before they drink. I can relate to that feeling, but also relate to the response that the excitement is short-lived. What a twisted cycle! Thanks for letting me ramble on.
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Old 08-28-2009, 06:11 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Being honest with yourself and a therapist or people at an AA meeting is a tough, tough thing to do. It may hurt, but the hurt is temporary, but the benefits to your psyche (and soul) of unburdening yourself of these thoughts and feelings is immesurable. No one will judge you, as they are all there for the exact same reason you are. Give it a shot with the therapist again. I had a second appointment with my therapist this past wednesday, and started talking about some really painful stuff, I had a panic attack, thought I was going to freak out or puke, and had to run out of her office and get some air. I breathed, drank some water, settled down, and got it all out. It was scary and hurt, but I'm so glad I did. I felt so much better. So, just an example of unburdening and the benefits therein.
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