Ready to stop for good...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 9
Ready to stop for good...
Hi all:
I've been lurking around this forum for a while but wanted to share my experiences with drinking and my reasons for wishing to become sober once and for all.
I come from a family with a history of alcoholism. My grandparents on both sides of the family were alcoholics, as are my mother and my brother. While I felt that I may have been "fated" to drink as well, I remained staunchly anti-drinking and pro-fitness until my late twenties.
My drinking began, innocently enough, about five years ago when I was traveling extensively for my job and hanging out in hotels with friends and colleagues. We all missed our families and spent our nights commiserating at the hotel bars, drowning our loneliness in beer and vodka cocktails.
I was never into hard liquor per se; my drink of choice was beer and it seemed like it was far less harmful than the "hard stuff." Therefore, the good-time drinking continued after the traveling stopped. Over the past few years it's gotten progressively worse to the point that I've been drinking alone, shutting myself off from others, lashing out, living in denial - name your cliche.
As for my home life, My wife and I have been together now for over seventeen years and Monday is our thirteenth wedding anniversary. Again, while things started out innocently and "fun" enough, over the past few years my excessive drinking has definitely taken its toll on my relationship with my wife. My usual routine was at least a 12 pack of Corona per night and often double that on the weekends. During this time, I would become manic, then crazy, then depressed, then I'd feel isolated, and would sometimes become verbally belligerent. Silly and ridiculous arguments with my wife became commonplace and were pretty much always my fault. They often devolved to childish levels to the point that I know that I was no fun to be around.
I tried a few times to turn things around - as a result, I've had brief stints of sobriety over the past few years ranging from a few days to a month, but I eventually reverted back to my old ways and always --always-- regretted my decision the next day.
Today is my eleventh day sober, and I've finally admitted to myself that I am an alcoholic - a fact that I'd never accepted before. I'll be the first to admit that I'm a control freak; it shocks me, therefore, to discover that I am allowing this habit to control my life. More on that later.
I suppose that I have been fortunate since I stopped drinking. For example, I haven't had to go through any kind of extreme physical withdrawal like many of the courageous souls I've read about on this forum. I still think about drinking every day, but the temptations have dulled and the thoughts are really a lot easier to dismiss and not nearly as bad as they were on the first night. If any temptation comes, I mentally remind myself that I'm "allergic" to alcohol, which causes me to "break out in crazy." Believe it or not, this mentality really helps.
Honestly, I believe I can finally beat this addiction for good this time. I think one of my mistakes in the past has been choosing the wrong reason to put the bottle down (for others, never for myself and my own life). Fortunately, I still have my career, which is relatively successful. Also, my marriage, while certainly in need of work, is still relatively intact. I am happy and grateful to have recognized my problem before I hit rock bottom and lost everything (wife, job, kids, etc).
For me, quitting will hopefully be a matter of common sense and continuing to step outside myself to weigh the long term pain against the short term pleasure (not that there's much of that left). It's not like I can't break certain habits; for example, I realized a couple of years ago that I could no longer drink Heineken because it only took a few bottles to turn me into a real argumentative and belligerent jerk (I later nicknamed it my "A-hole juice"). I stopped drinking Heineken outright and haven't touched it since - I chose instead to switch exclusively to drinking Corona (around a 12 pack a night). I realized several months ago, however, that while it provided a somewhat mellower drunk, the Corona was severely bloating me up and I looked terrible in photos, even the following day, when I was sober. I was embarrassed to show up at work looking puffy and worn out - I was convinced that all eyes were on me and I became paranoid that my little "secret" was no secret at all, although I have never shown up for work in an altered state.
In addition, there was a physical toll exacted from the Corona - the acidic properties of that particular beer began really ripping up my esophagus and I was consistently having pain comparable to horrific heartburn from the acidity, so I reluctantly dropped Corona from my repertoire and switched to Miller Lite. When my esophagus stopped hurting and my weight dropped, I thought I'd found my solution. Unfortunately, I also found that I could easily dust off 18 Miller Lites within a few hours (24 or more on weekend days) and spend the night/weekend more or less wrecked.
Still unable (unwilling?) to admit that this stuff was controlling and poisoning me, I worked out a strategy that would allow me to keep drinking but be less confrontational with those who loved me. My solution? Simply speak to others as little as possible from the time of my first drink until I eventually got tired enough to go to sleep/pass out. So, now I was isolating myself while I drank, often sealing myself off into a room with the door closed. It should come as no surprise that now I was wondering why I was so lonely all the time.
Finally, after the millionth unnecessary argument with my wife (and, of course, I can't remember what started it), I woke up the next morning in my empty bed (my wife had finally gone to sleep in a different room) and took a good, long hard look at what I had been doing and what I had allowed myself to become. It had been a while since I'd been able to look in the mirror and like what I saw staring back at me. I realized that if I didn't love myself enough to take care of myself, how could I realistically love or take care of anyone else? The questions began swirling in my head: "I'm smarter than this; how and why have I allowed this seemingly innocuous substance to completely and totally take over my life?" It had gotten to the point where I was planning evenings, weekends and holidays around drinking, rather than getting back to basics and enjoying the simple things like dinner and a movie with my wife, playing in the park with my kids, or simply talking on the phone to a friend without wondering if they could hear me slurring (or if I'd fooled them into thinking I was sober, which I'm pretty sure I never did).
Anyway, I know I'm rambling. Suffice to say that I'm on day 11 and feeling tons better. True, this isn't my longest stretch without drinking over the past year, but my last stretch was simply to see if I could go a month. I successfully passed the 30 day mark and immediately cracked open a few longnecks to celebrate the fact that I didn't have a drinking problem. I realize now that celebrating or rewarding sobriety with alcohol is pretty insane.
I am inspired and humbled by the support I've seen members show each other in these forums and I am certain that by maintaining a positive attitude and living a day at a time that I can live a peaceful and sober life by keeping my life in perspective and valuing what I have. I still have a future to look forward to and I hope to continue posting my progress and to ask for advice should I need it. To date I do not miss drinking, although the first day or two was pretty rocky, as it always is.
Peace and good luck to you all!
I've been lurking around this forum for a while but wanted to share my experiences with drinking and my reasons for wishing to become sober once and for all.
I come from a family with a history of alcoholism. My grandparents on both sides of the family were alcoholics, as are my mother and my brother. While I felt that I may have been "fated" to drink as well, I remained staunchly anti-drinking and pro-fitness until my late twenties.
My drinking began, innocently enough, about five years ago when I was traveling extensively for my job and hanging out in hotels with friends and colleagues. We all missed our families and spent our nights commiserating at the hotel bars, drowning our loneliness in beer and vodka cocktails.
I was never into hard liquor per se; my drink of choice was beer and it seemed like it was far less harmful than the "hard stuff." Therefore, the good-time drinking continued after the traveling stopped. Over the past few years it's gotten progressively worse to the point that I've been drinking alone, shutting myself off from others, lashing out, living in denial - name your cliche.
As for my home life, My wife and I have been together now for over seventeen years and Monday is our thirteenth wedding anniversary. Again, while things started out innocently and "fun" enough, over the past few years my excessive drinking has definitely taken its toll on my relationship with my wife. My usual routine was at least a 12 pack of Corona per night and often double that on the weekends. During this time, I would become manic, then crazy, then depressed, then I'd feel isolated, and would sometimes become verbally belligerent. Silly and ridiculous arguments with my wife became commonplace and were pretty much always my fault. They often devolved to childish levels to the point that I know that I was no fun to be around.
I tried a few times to turn things around - as a result, I've had brief stints of sobriety over the past few years ranging from a few days to a month, but I eventually reverted back to my old ways and always --always-- regretted my decision the next day.
Today is my eleventh day sober, and I've finally admitted to myself that I am an alcoholic - a fact that I'd never accepted before. I'll be the first to admit that I'm a control freak; it shocks me, therefore, to discover that I am allowing this habit to control my life. More on that later.
I suppose that I have been fortunate since I stopped drinking. For example, I haven't had to go through any kind of extreme physical withdrawal like many of the courageous souls I've read about on this forum. I still think about drinking every day, but the temptations have dulled and the thoughts are really a lot easier to dismiss and not nearly as bad as they were on the first night. If any temptation comes, I mentally remind myself that I'm "allergic" to alcohol, which causes me to "break out in crazy." Believe it or not, this mentality really helps.
Honestly, I believe I can finally beat this addiction for good this time. I think one of my mistakes in the past has been choosing the wrong reason to put the bottle down (for others, never for myself and my own life). Fortunately, I still have my career, which is relatively successful. Also, my marriage, while certainly in need of work, is still relatively intact. I am happy and grateful to have recognized my problem before I hit rock bottom and lost everything (wife, job, kids, etc).
For me, quitting will hopefully be a matter of common sense and continuing to step outside myself to weigh the long term pain against the short term pleasure (not that there's much of that left). It's not like I can't break certain habits; for example, I realized a couple of years ago that I could no longer drink Heineken because it only took a few bottles to turn me into a real argumentative and belligerent jerk (I later nicknamed it my "A-hole juice"). I stopped drinking Heineken outright and haven't touched it since - I chose instead to switch exclusively to drinking Corona (around a 12 pack a night). I realized several months ago, however, that while it provided a somewhat mellower drunk, the Corona was severely bloating me up and I looked terrible in photos, even the following day, when I was sober. I was embarrassed to show up at work looking puffy and worn out - I was convinced that all eyes were on me and I became paranoid that my little "secret" was no secret at all, although I have never shown up for work in an altered state.
In addition, there was a physical toll exacted from the Corona - the acidic properties of that particular beer began really ripping up my esophagus and I was consistently having pain comparable to horrific heartburn from the acidity, so I reluctantly dropped Corona from my repertoire and switched to Miller Lite. When my esophagus stopped hurting and my weight dropped, I thought I'd found my solution. Unfortunately, I also found that I could easily dust off 18 Miller Lites within a few hours (24 or more on weekend days) and spend the night/weekend more or less wrecked.
Still unable (unwilling?) to admit that this stuff was controlling and poisoning me, I worked out a strategy that would allow me to keep drinking but be less confrontational with those who loved me. My solution? Simply speak to others as little as possible from the time of my first drink until I eventually got tired enough to go to sleep/pass out. So, now I was isolating myself while I drank, often sealing myself off into a room with the door closed. It should come as no surprise that now I was wondering why I was so lonely all the time.
Finally, after the millionth unnecessary argument with my wife (and, of course, I can't remember what started it), I woke up the next morning in my empty bed (my wife had finally gone to sleep in a different room) and took a good, long hard look at what I had been doing and what I had allowed myself to become. It had been a while since I'd been able to look in the mirror and like what I saw staring back at me. I realized that if I didn't love myself enough to take care of myself, how could I realistically love or take care of anyone else? The questions began swirling in my head: "I'm smarter than this; how and why have I allowed this seemingly innocuous substance to completely and totally take over my life?" It had gotten to the point where I was planning evenings, weekends and holidays around drinking, rather than getting back to basics and enjoying the simple things like dinner and a movie with my wife, playing in the park with my kids, or simply talking on the phone to a friend without wondering if they could hear me slurring (or if I'd fooled them into thinking I was sober, which I'm pretty sure I never did).
Anyway, I know I'm rambling. Suffice to say that I'm on day 11 and feeling tons better. True, this isn't my longest stretch without drinking over the past year, but my last stretch was simply to see if I could go a month. I successfully passed the 30 day mark and immediately cracked open a few longnecks to celebrate the fact that I didn't have a drinking problem. I realize now that celebrating or rewarding sobriety with alcohol is pretty insane.
I am inspired and humbled by the support I've seen members show each other in these forums and I am certain that by maintaining a positive attitude and living a day at a time that I can live a peaceful and sober life by keeping my life in perspective and valuing what I have. I still have a future to look forward to and I hope to continue posting my progress and to ask for advice should I need it. To date I do not miss drinking, although the first day or two was pretty rocky, as it always is.
Peace and good luck to you all!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 89
"...and took a good, long hard look at what I had been doing and what I had allowed myself to become."
An important step to say the least. Congratulations on your 11th day!
I do have to ask, just to clarify, you continued to drink (as we all did at some point) just because we learned we couldn't live without alcohol. Do you think you drank for so long just because of the coincidental travelling and hotel binging? Do you think there were other underlying issues beyond circumstance?
Again, congrats on your achievement! I'm on my 3rd day myself, so I admire you.
An important step to say the least. Congratulations on your 11th day!
I do have to ask, just to clarify, you continued to drink (as we all did at some point) just because we learned we couldn't live without alcohol. Do you think you drank for so long just because of the coincidental travelling and hotel binging? Do you think there were other underlying issues beyond circumstance?
Again, congrats on your achievement! I'm on my 3rd day myself, so I admire you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Hi, welcome to SR you've come to a great place. I quit drinking hard liquor in my early 40s cause it was too hard on my stomach and just drank beer but then the beer bloated me too much so I switched to wine; white wine made me crazy so I drank just red wine except for when Iwanted to get crazy. I was "just a wino" not an alcoholic....well that 'just a wino' came frightenly close to killing herself and I didn't even know I was depressed. I also found that believing that "I'm allergic" to alcohol has kept me sober for nearly 2 years and I expect it will continue. I often say that to me it's no different than if a doctor said "you're allergic to shellfish, eat it and you die" obviously I would never eat shellfish again.
Best wishes on your journey.
Best wishes on your journey.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by Reese321 
Do you think there were other underlying issues beyond circumstance?
1) Work 12 hour day.
2) Go to restaurant for dinner.
3) Stop at liquor store.
4) Go back to hotel and drink and carry on until late into the night.
It was fun and never turned dark or uncomfortable. I remember wondering what all the fuss about drinking was - to me, it was the great equalizer and the definitive icebreaker. After getting home, I started ordering beer with my meals at restaurants, something I'd never done before - then, it got to the point that I didn't bother ordering drinks at dinner unless I had a cache of booze at home to continue the "party". After a while, the people I was with stopped their drinking gradually while I increased mine. It took another year or two for things to start taking a turn for the worse.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,519
Welcome See. Your story is not that different from mine. I assume you're much younger, so it's great you are planning to make these changes before something really terrible happens. (Not that having marital problems isn't terrible, but hopefully they can be mended.)
You say you never showed up for work in an altered state. It's almost guaranteed to happen eventually. I never dreamed I would, but in the end I justified getting ready for work drinking a few so I wouldn't shake - and even took it with me to sip on during the day, since I couldn't just have something at lunchtime & then go until 5:00! Sick, yet I did it for over a year. I also ended up driving home in that "altered state" & was stopped with a .32 blood alc. level during my grande finale days. I am ashamed of that now, of course. Thankfully, you are facing this at a time in your life when all the bad stuff can be a dim memory. I'm glad you've joined us for your journey.
You say you never showed up for work in an altered state. It's almost guaranteed to happen eventually. I never dreamed I would, but in the end I justified getting ready for work drinking a few so I wouldn't shake - and even took it with me to sip on during the day, since I couldn't just have something at lunchtime & then go until 5:00! Sick, yet I did it for over a year. I also ended up driving home in that "altered state" & was stopped with a .32 blood alc. level during my grande finale days. I am ashamed of that now, of course. Thankfully, you are facing this at a time in your life when all the bad stuff can be a dim memory. I'm glad you've joined us for your journey.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 89
Then our situations are similar. You use alcohol to make day-to-day life a little easier to deal with and soon you can't do anything without it.
For me personally, everything kind of came to a head and I felt crushed from ten different sides. Rather than deal with the stress naturally, I cheated and turned to alcohol.
I enjoyed your exposition. Good luck in the future.
For me personally, everything kind of came to a head and I felt crushed from ten different sides. Rather than deal with the stress naturally, I cheated and turned to alcohol.
I enjoyed your exposition. Good luck in the future.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: over the seas and far away
Posts: 862
hi i too have just started ... day 2!! and the thought of never having a drink again scares the cr.. out of me! i went to my first AA meeting last night feeling nervous and also excited as i feel as i have really made the decision this time. i left feeling an inner peace, and hope for the first time in ages.. i'm imagining how much better my life will become and aim to keep that vision to help me..
my longest record so far is 3 weeks so i hope you guys can help me beat that!
here's hello from sunny far north qld australia... i tried to go to a chat meeting but time difference may be a problem, are times posted us times?
cheers
my longest record so far is 3 weeks so i hope you guys can help me beat that!
here's hello from sunny far north qld australia... i tried to go to a chat meeting but time difference may be a problem, are times posted us times?
cheers
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
hey seehseef
Welcome to SR - it's a big step to take admitting you're an alcoholic, and it's a big picture to take in to realise 'never again'.
Little steps were the key for me - one day at a time.
I also tried to quit many times - I never made it more than 6 weeks or so - what made the difference this time is I admitted I was an alcoholic, I accepted I needed to change more things in my life than just not drinking, and I was willing to do whatever it took to control this addiction.
I find this place amazing. It's a great place to reach out and ask for help when needed, or ask questions, or just to read
You'll have seen a lot of people here also use face to face support too like AA or counseling...
Like I say - whatever it takes
Congrats on yr 11 days - Welcome to SR
D
Welcome to SR - it's a big step to take admitting you're an alcoholic, and it's a big picture to take in to realise 'never again'.
Little steps were the key for me - one day at a time.
I also tried to quit many times - I never made it more than 6 weeks or so - what made the difference this time is I admitted I was an alcoholic, I accepted I needed to change more things in my life than just not drinking, and I was willing to do whatever it took to control this addiction.
I find this place amazing. It's a great place to reach out and ask for help when needed, or ask questions, or just to read
You'll have seen a lot of people here also use face to face support too like AA or counseling...
Like I say - whatever it takes
Congrats on yr 11 days - Welcome to SR
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 9
It is honestly cathartic to admit the truth to myself and it fills me with more hope than any of the empty promises I made to myself in the past. I can identify with Judy's post about shellfish - I liken it to diabetes, in that I need to stay away from alcohol like a diabetic needs to stay away from sugar.
Thanks for all of your well wishes. I hope to become an inspiration to others and will do everything in my power not to backslide. I am truly optimistic, though, due in no small part to the positive environment I have found in this forum. Thank you all again for keeping hope alive for me and countless others on this site.
Thanks for all of your well wishes. I hope to become an inspiration to others and will do everything in my power not to backslide. I am truly optimistic, though, due in no small part to the positive environment I have found in this forum. Thank you all again for keeping hope alive for me and countless others on this site.
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