Always one drink away from mental breakdown...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Always one drink away from mental breakdown...
I am 7 weeks sober tomorrow. I am out of the fog of yearning to feel that ‘buzz’ anymore and I cannot see any positives that I would get from drinking booze anymore, in fact the thought somewhat repulses me.
However I remain ever vigilant as I know that I am only 1 drink from mental breakdown. It is really strange how merely taking one-drink would cause me to lose everything that I have built up over the last 48 days - by that I mean mental strength, because for me my biggest enemy has always been me. The only person that has ever brought me down is me.
It is obvious to me that I am a totally different person with my old spark, life and confidence that was stripped away from me during my depression/drinking cycles over the past few years. It is obvious that all will be relatively well as long as I stay away from that first drink, it is not even so much that the first drink would ultimately lead to a binge (which it pretty much definitely would) but even if I walked away after just one I know that my self-esteem and confidence would hit the floor and I would feel the desolation that I have felt over the last 5 or so years.
It is truly something only people who have been there themselves could ever understand and I guess there Will always be that crazy part of me that will always try to destroy everything that I have which is good in my life, I guess as time goes by you learn even more to just ignore it when it tells you maybe you want the craziness and madness back but I know that the madness and craziness is really just my alcoholism working away as I starve it and leave that inner demon hibernating which is where I hope it always stays. Because I am happy so why should I jeopardise all of that just to spite myself? I don’t wish to and I will not “just for today”.
Peace and Love xx
However I remain ever vigilant as I know that I am only 1 drink from mental breakdown. It is really strange how merely taking one-drink would cause me to lose everything that I have built up over the last 48 days - by that I mean mental strength, because for me my biggest enemy has always been me. The only person that has ever brought me down is me.
It is obvious to me that I am a totally different person with my old spark, life and confidence that was stripped away from me during my depression/drinking cycles over the past few years. It is obvious that all will be relatively well as long as I stay away from that first drink, it is not even so much that the first drink would ultimately lead to a binge (which it pretty much definitely would) but even if I walked away after just one I know that my self-esteem and confidence would hit the floor and I would feel the desolation that I have felt over the last 5 or so years.
It is truly something only people who have been there themselves could ever understand and I guess there Will always be that crazy part of me that will always try to destroy everything that I have which is good in my life, I guess as time goes by you learn even more to just ignore it when it tells you maybe you want the craziness and madness back but I know that the madness and craziness is really just my alcoholism working away as I starve it and leave that inner demon hibernating which is where I hope it always stays. Because I am happy so why should I jeopardise all of that just to spite myself? I don’t wish to and I will not “just for today”.
Peace and Love xx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Amen brother NEO!!!! That is the thinking that has gotten me here today. Every time I go through some hellish moment, I get through it and at the end I can do this...........
"HA HA HA!!!!!!!!! I WIN!!! I WIN!!! I WIN!!!" It's great!!!!!!!
"HA HA HA!!!!!!!!! I WIN!!! I WIN!!! I WIN!!!" It's great!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 89
"It is obvious to me that I am a totally different person with my old spark, life and confidence that was stripped away from me during my depression/drinking cycles over the past few years."
You're going to have to remake yourself a little bit. I think you'll need to internalize what using alcohol has meant to you, and use that as a springboard toward finding your new self. Trying to recapture something from the past doesn't work. Alcohol use is now a part of all of us.
Seven weeks, that's a lot. Take confidence in that, and start from there.
Good luck man.
You're going to have to remake yourself a little bit. I think you'll need to internalize what using alcohol has meant to you, and use that as a springboard toward finding your new self. Trying to recapture something from the past doesn't work. Alcohol use is now a part of all of us.
Seven weeks, that's a lot. Take confidence in that, and start from there.
Good luck man.
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,841
Congrats Neo!
I could've written your post. It's almost exactly how I'm feeling as I enter week #10. I still must remind myself every day of how far I've come and yet how just one drink could put me right back to that dark place I lived in on day one (June 22).
The old urges seem to be getting fewer and fewer as the sober days pile up.
I could've written your post. It's almost exactly how I'm feeling as I enter week #10. I still must remind myself every day of how far I've come and yet how just one drink could put me right back to that dark place I lived in on day one (June 22).
The old urges seem to be getting fewer and fewer as the sober days pile up.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
"However I remain ever vigilant as I know that I am only 1 drink from mental breakdown."
So true, with my 15+ years, your 48 days, and someone else's week #10.
We're all just one bad decision away from disaster.
Never forget... and hopefully we'll never repeat...!
Thanks for being here for me.
So true, with my 15+ years, your 48 days, and someone else's week #10.
We're all just one bad decision away from disaster.
Never forget... and hopefully we'll never repeat...!
Thanks for being here for me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Surrey, UK
Posts: 99
Great post, Neo, and exactly what I needed to read today.
Sobriety is creeping ever nearer for me, and the odd days I've been having lately where my hangovers are less from having not drunk so much the night before are like glimpses into another life, a better version of Me. It feels more attainable now than ever and I think so much of that has been down to how I've immersed myself in reading, surfing, attending the odd AA meeting and, of course, SR.
Awesome stuff, Neo. Congratulations, bud.
Sobriety is creeping ever nearer for me, and the odd days I've been having lately where my hangovers are less from having not drunk so much the night before are like glimpses into another life, a better version of Me. It feels more attainable now than ever and I think so much of that has been down to how I've immersed myself in reading, surfing, attending the odd AA meeting and, of course, SR.
Awesome stuff, Neo. Congratulations, bud.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Congrats on the 7 weeks Nero, good post, I find that helping other alcoholics recover helps me to stay sober probably more then I will ever dream of helping them. Every time I speak with a newcomer the look in thier eyes reminds me of where I never want to go again, I know that as long as I am working the best program I can today, I will be okay....today.
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