jdaisymae

I am so sad. I wish I could just go to bed and cry all day. I drank all weekend again, even throughout my daighter's 4th bday party. She deserves so much more than that. What is wrong with me? Why do I drink? My anxiety is so high right now but I can't take an Ativan because I am afraid I will get tired and I have 2 small kids to take care of. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I am not an AA person, not into the whole higher power thing. HOw can I get help? My husband is supportive and I know he will help me get through this. I know it's wrong but all I want to do is get a small bottle and make the anxiety go away! Why is my brain so screwed up?

keithj

Jdaisymae,

What you describe sounds like run of the mill alcoholism to me. Nothing special. No better and no worse. You describe not wanting to drink, having good reasons not to, and still being obsessed with drinking. The 'why' behind it doesn't matter all that much. Knowing 'why' you drink in spite of all the reasons not to will not, in general, help you quit drinking.

When I got serious about stopping drinking for good and all, I turned to a couple of guys in AA who had a solution. Just like you, I wanted nothing to do with a higher power or spirituality of any kind. I just couldn't go on living like I was doing. Trying every day to not drink, making promises to myself and others, living in shame at screwing up another important event in the lives of those I loved.

All I wanted out of AA was to stop drinking. So I followed the path that these guys had followed. They helped me find the solution to my alcoholism.

Do you want to stop drinking? Are you ready to be done? Find somebody that has found a way out and follw their path. It really is as simple as that. I was a staunch atheist when I started taking AA's steps. I haven't been bothered by alcohol for a long time.

keen2bclean

jdaisymae I can so relate....I had a skinful all day on Saturday with three young children to take care of, my husband came home from work and I continued drinking until I passed out on the sofa...woke up feeling like my heart was gonna give out...total panic...started pacing around....tried to sleep but kept waking up startled, out of breath, total anxiety...trying to remember what I did/said...what my kids saw...how its effecting them....feeling so ashamed and guilty that I have let them down....I got my laptop at 4am with tears flooding everywhere (self pity) and logged onto AA...I emailed them in desperation...didnt call as I was too nervous and didnt really know what to say or expect...then reading the mention of 'god' put me off as I'm not religious...but I kinda got the higher power thing....goodness knows I was calling out for someone to help me...dunno who...but I was, in the early hours of Sunday morning. A lady emailed me back at 7am...I was moved to tears that someone had taken the time and effort to get back to me....(I think i was expecting an auto response or something)...she recommended that I go along to a group...but right now I dont know if I can..so I found this site and I'm going it alone with its help....its only two days...but for today I havent had a drink. Dont beat yourself up ...your children deserve YOU and they can have you...for today, at least, choose not to drink and see how you feel tomorrow. I'm right there with you xx:ghug3

Goat

I don't know why, but I can tell you my brain is screwed up exactly the same way! I think pretty much everyone here is screwed up that way

I'm not an "AA person" either, but I find that AA helps me a lot nonetheless.

-Goat

CriseAbsolute

Try to get help from your loved ones first, if the urge is too big then, you will need other help i guess. Having an outlet for your problem is the most important thing!

Anna

That's what addiction does to you. It robs you of yourself and leaves you with anxiety, depression and more pain.

I hope you do what it takes for you to get sober.

tommyk

"I am not an AA person..."

Please become an AA person, not for yourself, but for your kids.

DO IT FOR THE KIDS BECAUSE IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

Stop thinking just of yourself and get the help you need, please. Go to AA meetings until 'your way' or some other way works. Right now it isn't working.

Keep coming back.

smacked

I did a lot of screwed up things when I was drinking, too. I made horrible choices and decisions.. I wasn't in my right mind. The only way to remedy that was to quit drinking, and enter a recovery program. Personally, I went with individual counseling, but a lot of people find other ways.

Now, sober.. I make clear and rational decisions, I'm thoughtful of my loved ones, and I'm pretty nice to myself now too!

You can get there

jdaisymae

Thank you all so much. I have decided to attend a woman's AA meeting tomorrow night. I have to work tonight or I would go sooner. I am an Athiest, not into the whole God thing but I hope that hearing from some other women in my situation will help me get a grip on what to do now. I want to stop drinking, I want to stop feeling the guilt, I want to be a better parent to my girls and a better wife to my husband. I honestly cannot imagine my life without drinking in the future at special occassions (weddings, parties etc...) but I can't think about that right now. I have to not drink today. If I can accomplish that, I have to not drink tomorrow and so on.....
Other than the BB, are there any other books that you recommend that were helpful in understanding this disease?