JerryBear2009

I am not sure if I want to quit or not. Every Sunday night, I can't sleep with the stress of work and knowing that I probably drank a bit more than I should have. It was my 40th Birthday weekend and I had a great time. Friends took me out, bought me dinner to a show. I had to work late on Friday so I ended up staying up late to make sure I had some downtime. The crappy part was when I get home on Saturday night about 1030, had a few rockstars and vodka and a beer or 2, went to bed, but awoke at 530 and had some more drinks. Crashed then went out for lunch, had a few beers, came home, fell asleep, then woke at 5 and had a few more beers. When is enough, enough? I don't think I overdid it except for the getting up at 5am part. I rationalize it that its my time and the weekend is not long enough when you work 16 hours on a Friday. I think its a slippery slope. I finished off 1 bottle of vodka and about 8 beers since Friday. Of course, I had a few drinks when we went out to dinner, I would say 4 and a shot, then 2 big boy IPAs at my local haunt watching football on Sunday. So that is a fair amount of alcohol. A buddy I know said he drank 35 coors lites and even my boss said that he could do that on a day at the river. So I know this is all over the place. I want to be able to have my cake and eat it to.

tommyk

"When is enough, enough?"

You're 40 now, and I realized that drinking is a younger man's activity as I got older.

I have a suspicion your body will begin telling you when enough is enough pretty soon.

You must already be noticing that the 'hangovers' are worse than ten years ago.

Your buddy and your boss aren't exactly role models.

Keep coming back.

keen2bclean

I think you know you overdid it and waking up at 5am for more beer is your system screaming out for more...keeping the levels up.....we all try to rationalise our drinking to counteract the guilt/remorse...its so sh1t that it has to feel so good at the time and it seems that every1 else around us has a better relationship with alcohol...heck if they can handle it, why can't we?....but can they?...You're right, it is all over the place...I've never really known my life completley without drink...only for short bursts at certain periods...and I'm not sure I ever will...i just wanna control it...but it controls me....

Glad u had a good 40th btw..

smacked

Me too. Unfortunately it will ultimately kill me, and sooner than I want. I don't want to die an alcoholic death, or live the rest of my life controlled by drink.. That's the only part I am in control of, so now, I don't drink.

JerryBear2009

I just don't feel like I have time for me. I work a lot of hours. I do a great job and am second in command. I feel like the pendulum swings so far to the work during the week that I compensate for it on the weekends.

Additionally, I am not sure where LA LA Land is, but the women are not like you here in San Diego. If that is your pic, you are STUNNING!

Charmie

hi jerry and welcome to sr.i remember only too well that sunday evening feeling.ugh.getting up for work and worrying about how i looked and if folk could tell i had been over doing it,,did i still smell of booze,blah.that progressed into panic attacks and then time off work,that then progressed to being unable to work,,,woooo hooo just me and my bottle!,,,hhhhmmm.been sober nearly 7 months now and i have never been happier in all of my life.you only have your cake and eat it for a little while.you are suffering the anxiety already,this will only get worse.see if you can quit for a month and reap the benefits.if you cant then you may be like me and need some help.

smacked

See, I had to finally come to a place where "time for me" was not spent by killing myself.

And thank you

Boleo

I to worked hard and played hard for about 20 years then the candle fizzled-out because I had burned it from both ends. You can "have your cake and eat it to" for only a short time.

bananagrrrl

I have noticed that time is no longer a fast blur when not drinking. I savor the weekends more.

Mark75

A "few" Rockstars and vodka... Oh man, I would not sleep a wink... no wonder you were up at 5 am. Dude, you're 40... Time to outgrow that (not that I did at forty, I'm not judging...).

I know what you mean about work hard/play hard... But can you really say you had a good time over the weekend, or that you feel good about it? Pretty soon you'll have two speeds, forward and reverse.

Nice to see you back JerryBear...

Mark

vegibean

I was like that in the very bitter end. Today I wanted to beat the crap out of my computer at work. Never thought a day like that I'd END up sober. You can do it!!!!

Keep posting, reading and coming back.

flutter

boy oh boy do I remember that weekend dance. No idea why I'd stress on Sundays seeing as how toward the end I'd drink like a Saturday night rockstar most every night of the week. We all want our 'cake and eat it too', but this kinda 'cake' will kill ya.

Hang in there, and welcome back! I didn't come to the decision to live sober very lightly, it took me a while to finally admit defeat, and release myself from all that obsession and destruction. It's been the best decision I have ever made.

Dee74

Hey Jerry Bear,

I can't help feeling if you're stressed and you need to unwind, there's a lot better healthier ways to do it than drinking at 5 am in the morning.

Many a successful businessman has come unstuck cos the 'weekend warrior' wouldn't want the party to end on Monday morning.

Don't be another one Jerry. Size up that 'cake' really well
This thing progresses and owns you before you even realise it.

D

Hevyn

Yes, Jerry, be very careful where this will inevitably lead. I was just like you - I consumed massive amounts on the weekends. As I got older, weekends weren't enough, and the drinking would spill over into Monday at lunch when I'd have a few - then I couldn't get dressed for work in the morning without it to calm my nerves and stop the shakes. You've heard the saying, "alcoholism is a progressive disease". I never really understood what that meant until I realized I'd gone from getting buzzed on 2 beers back in the day - to drinking 100 proof vodka almost all day. In the end, it was never enough, I was never happy. I was insane, and headed to alcohol poisoning.

What concerns me most is you saying you got up around 5:30 & had more drinks. See, that's what I did - I would wake up shaky with my body screaming out for more alcohol. I wouldn't even think twice about shuffling out to the kitchen to slug down some more before returning to bed. I never had hangovers anymore - I wouldn't let myself - there was some amount of booze in my system at all times. We never think we'll get to that point, but it's amazing what we can become if we don't call a halt to it.

We are with you, and care how you're doing on your journey to health and sanity. Please let us know how it's going.

luckedog

I don't mean to be redundant but, as others here have said many times, and MANY of us are living proof--Alcoholism is A PROGRESSIVE disease- that means it ,by it's nature, gets worse and worse the longer we drink. Don't ask a guy in his 20's the destructive nature of alcohol LOOK at someone in their 50's or 60's that is still drinking--just food for thought.
I need to be reminded every day!

Hevyn

That's a great point, luckedog. It took me almost 25 yrs. to nearly kill myself with it. I would have laughed if someone had told me I'd ever become the quivering, terrified, pathetic soul I was in the end.

original

I think you may like this...

Didn't read the thread, but ... hey


YouTube - The Blue ****** - "Monday Morning Blues" 06 14 08

Shakespeare

Day 17. I too many attempts to give up smoking. The attempts got longer and closer together until I finally beat it 16 years ago.

The same has happened with the drink. Longer periods of abstinence and closer together. I am hoping the same will happen.

I have heard the 'progressive' thing a lot. My habit spanning all my adult life never got worse. It stayed the same which was always too much. If anything recently I had been drinking less not more. My shopping list was always 3 bottles of wine for an evening/day binge. No more, no less. I had worked out that this was the amount I needed to do the job. And it stayed at that level for ever. The days when I wanted to consume that amount stayed forever. I never built up a tolerance above that level and never wanted to drink during the day or like that everyday. This never progressed. I am not saying it would have never progressed but for at least 20 years it never progressed. Totally stable and static heavy abusive drinking with no progression either forward or backward.

The damage it might have been doing on my body is a totally different story. It cannot have been doing me any good.

The reason I gave up was partly for the same reason I gave up cigarettes. Because I was sick of the compulsive thinking surrounding booze. When I wasn't smoking cigarettes, I was waiting for the car to stop or the meal to end when I could have one.

When I was drinking by 5 in the evening I wasn't drinking I was thinking about it compulsively. That was enough to scare me.

Shakespeare

Stunning people get smashed too.

keen2bclean

This I can really relate to...

I tried giving up cigarettes many times before actually managing to succeed almost ten years ago...funny I cant stand the smell of them now...but I had to have a reason, for me it was the pregnanacy of my first child and I never re-started. I gave up drink too in that period, partly because of the physical repulsion to it at the time, but also I was thinking of the life I was carrying. Seems I can do it and moderate it for something like that...but I was waiting for the day that I could drink without limitation...that obsession again...I sometimes wonder if that's just part of my personality...like when/if I eventually let go of alcohol altogether, will there be something else I obssess over?...hopefully it'll be something that wont kill me if that is the case...