dabears34

I haven't posted her in awhile, but have been on a disgusting tear the past two months. It's gotten to the point of drinking pretty much every day lately. For instance, yesterday, in a 24 hour period, I had 2 bottles of wine, a pint of Jack Daniels and about 6-7 beers... I slept for a few hours after and woke up a DT/sweating/shaking/gagging mess...

Have been in a multiple day detox once and several trips to ER/rehab places. Lots of talk about getting better but very little much action. I've just been telling myself and others what I and they want to hear, and then just go off and drink anyway. Friends are scared of me and for me and I think everyone is at the end of their rope with my melodrama and wont listen to any more talk. I think I've lost a few good friends, but I hope they come back once I get better. So enough is enough. I started seeing a psychiatrist last week, and am checking myself in Monday to an intensive outpatient program (6 hours per day of groups, one-on-one sessions, therapy, etc) that is every day (except Sunday) for 3 weeks and hopefully if I commit to that process, I can start getting better. Working with my doctor to safely detox over the weekend til I can get in Monday. So hopefully the 3 week rehab program, combined with working with the psychiatrist and hitting AA meetings at night can get me on the path to truly getting better and in the recovery process and beat this thing.....

CarolD

i hope so too....
Yes....you can win over alcohol
good to know you are planning a fresh start.

Anna

It sounds like a good plan, and I hope that you follow through with the action you need to recover.

Dee74

good to see you back here and trying Mike
I agree - sounds like a good plan!

D

dabears34

Thanks for the responses. Has anyone found that maybe getting at some root causes of anger/low self-esteem, etc. helped them overcome or more successfully manage your addiction? That is my plan with seeing the psychiatrist, get to the bottom of all this anger and self-loathing and inferiority issues. I've heard of a friend or two where that helped make managing alcoholism easier and more likely to work. Just a thought... thanks.

Anna

Yes, definitely.

I believe that alcoholism is a symptom and the underlying problems needs to be dealt with.

I also had terribly low self-esteem. Why else would I have continued to poison myself with alcohol! I had to find a purpose in my life, and I had to believe that I deserved a good life.

dabears34

YES! I'm realizing any purpose I may have once had, has pretty much evaporated... and my current purpose is basically to consume alcohol, then sleep, then consume more alcohol.... and I'm working on thinking I deserve a purpose, and happiness. If one has both of those, I can't imagine much use or need for alcohol! At least, that's my hope!

hendershot

Welcome. As far as dealing with "root causes" or underlying reasons for drug/alcohol abuse, I think that stuff is great for long-term sobriety. I don't have a ton of time so I don't know really. But you have to put the bottle down for some period of time in order for you to do any substantive work in these areas. So while seeing a psychiatrist may be benificial, AA and your out-patient need to be the main focus right now. First thing is first and simply not drinking comes first. My opinion only, but there is no silver bullet and in my experience unlocking the causes of our addictions does little to diminish the power of those addictions over us. Good luck.

dabears34

I hear what you are saying. I'm a firm believer in the theory that once the addiction switch in our brains gets flipped to "On", there is no way to turn it off. The only option going forward is management. And I also agree with the fact that any of the therapy and getting at root causes is a great and at this point a separate thing from managing the addiction... .because even if you work through all those "problems" and find yourself a happy and well-adjusted person, the addiction, the alcoholism is already a permanent part of you, and must be managed constantly going forward....

mikel60

Hi dabears,

Welcome back. As to your question concerning root causes, hendershot is right about it being beneficai lto long-term sobriety.

I don't know how you feel about AA, but getting to the root causes of your drinking is the real core of the program. At about 2 years sober, I was miserable and probably would have drank again except for the fact that I took action.

I needed to find out why I think the way I do. Through working the steps with a sponsor at what we call here in Boston Big Book Step Study I examined why I am selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and afraid. I had to look deeply at myself to find out why I had so much self-loathing and resentment towards others.

It was avery cleansing process. It was long, hard, and emotional - but it worked. Do I still struggle with bouts of low self esteem? Yes. But I don't struggle with the idea of drinking or drugging. It's been almost ten years since I went through BBSS, I still use what I have learned, and I'm happy.

I hope this helps. Go Bears.

Mike

dabears34

Lately, those are the words I would use to describe myself... deceitful, liar, selfish, self-absorbed... although I make a conscious effort, with the friends who keep listening to me and my crap, to ask about their lives, and make times, and try to do all the normal things I would do for the people I love. But the mostly lately the dark master wins, and sells self-obsession and lying and trying to put my body through as much pain as it can possibly take... I have too much talent and brilliance and gifts and true love in my heart to give to those I love to let this ******* ******* booze interrupt me into an early grave. I am open to any and all of the medical communities help... but what i realized is, you can sit and talk and open up and share and feel as much and as often as you want, and that is great and cathartic for sure... but there is always the one undeniable solution to each and every one of our maldy... Just. Don't. Drink. Start there. There is other work to be done to be happy and whole and free, but you cant even get out of the gate unless... we... just. dont. drink. that is what i am realizing... i have to start there, or else ill go nowhere and end up one place, an early grave.

ViciousCycle

I think the first problem is your choice in football teams.......just kiddin. Football is here! Woo Hoo!

I wish you the best with your plan of attack, it sounds like a solid one. I have been doing alot of thinking about some stuff you said and things I have heard......I think part of my problem anyway is a "significance" issue. Everyone wants to feel significant and many times I do not. That's where alcohol steps in and numbs that feeling away......I feel more adequate when I drink........does that make sense? So to answer your question, I do whole-heartedly believe that drinking can stem from alot of psychological things like sadness, anger, lack of confidence, etc.........I hope you get to the bottom of yours.

Keep us posted.

vegibean

Hey dabears, glad to see you're putting a plan into action, KICK @SS!!!!!

Now here is what I have to add to that and as a sponsor to others I feel like I NEED to say it to you so here we go, ya ready????

GET A SPONSOR!!!!!!!!!! And work those 12 Steps!!!!

All you said above is excellent but I hope you follow through with that. The great thing about having a sponsor is having someone you know you can call anytime to talk to AND call to be accountable to everyday just by checking in and saying "hey, I'm here........"

YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dabears34

To Viscious Cycle - Yes, I truly believe feelings of low self-esteem, low self-worth, inferiority, insecurity (any one who is here or uses at all, has one or all of these feelings)... are distortions of perception of self... in relation to how we really are, and a lot of times, in relation to the rest of the world, to others, in the eyes of others, etc. It's really a distortion of self-perception. No matter what, no matter what we do or who we are or what place/time etc we are in the world, no one is better or worse than any other person... whether you are the CEO of Coca Cola or the janitor at a junior high school... we are all worth the same and worthy of the same amount of respect and all of our lives have the same exact value... they each are beautiful, and wonderful and we are all special. We all gotta find our grove and work and make attempts at surrounding ourselves with good people. and good people gravitate towards good people. Just be as honest as possible with yourself, lay it all out on the table, look at at and say "ok, whats here, whats going on" and realize each and every one of us is as worthy as any other and we each deserve to be happy, no one deserves that no more or no less, we all each deserve happiness, no matter what. "Find your truth, and be it."

dabears34

To VegiBean - Yes, absolutely! I am looking forward to mustering up the courage to get to my first AA meeting... my friend, "G", will be taking to my first one hopefully tomorrow night, but for sure Wednesday night to the regular one he attends weekly. I'm kinda thrilled he is willing to drag me there, cause I'd never go myself...I'd stop at a liquor store on the way, grab a traveler of vodka and nip in the parking lot, laughing at those fools who were wishing they could be getting drunk like me....