My story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 40
My story
Hey Everyone,
I noticed this website kept popping up on alcohol searches in Google so I thought I'd sign up and post my story. Maybe it will help me. Maybe some of you can relate.
I started drinking in college and this was always my drug of choice, even though I also loved smoking weed. I just always favored the energetic, passionate surge over the dreamy, zoned out lull. It allowed me to socialize without the inhibitions, a common lure.
Anyway, things quickly went downhill when I took a few quick slugs of SKYY at my girlfriend's place to fall asleep one night. I thought to myself, "Well, I'll just take the edge off, so I don't have to stare at the inside of my eyelids for the next 2 hours." That was it. I started drinking 4 shots a night to go to bed. Then I started drinking 6. Then I started carrying around an empty bottle of water with me anytime I had to sleep somewhere else, and I knew just what line to fill it to in order to get my 6, 7, or 8 clean shots of vodka down. I'd even use that same old plastic bottle over and over for weeks. I'd drink it in under 3 minutes and have an instant intense buzz. I'd lay down in bed and feel just wonderful. I rarely suffered any hangovers.
Well, I had my bad nights of course. I've been carried to and thrown onto a bed by several burly, reluctant men in my days of chugging liquor. I was also told I was a mean drunk, though never showed anger while sober.
It got really bad when I started waking up in weird places all the time. My parents found me sleeping in the front lawn with a big green bong in one hand and an empty bottle in the other. I started drinking in the afternoons, then the mornings. I'd wake up in the morning and pick up an open beer to continue where I'd left off. I once passed out at a campfire and awoke in the pitch black in the middle of the forest at night lying facefirst in the dirt to stumble blindly for an hour to get out. I once wandered a cruise ship at 5 am after I woke up, asking the staff if any bars were still open..They looked at me as if I had just asked them where the teleportation portal was located. I was a really bad drunk and everyone knew it. I was told I was a slave to alcohol. I was fired from a job for blowing a .32 on a breathlyzer. Drinking was what I did.
One night I went out drinking with my buddy from work. We drank some whacky sh** called Suju (sp?) in a bar in Korea town and next thing I knew I was in a grappling match with NYPD. They had several officers tackle me to the ground and threw me in the back of a squad car. I ended up kicking out the window in anger and they pulled me out, threw me on the ground and were about to taser me when I realized my situation...I stopped fighting them and spent the weekend in Manhattan Central Booking (I do not recommend visiting.) I was charged with 4 or 5 different crimes including criminal trespassing, the others I don't remember. It all started when a train conductor attempted to rouse me for my ticket. He had to call the cops when I resisted his attempts. They stopped the train for cops to come on and drag me out, I suppose. I'll never know since I was in a blackout. I had handcuff marks on my wrists for months after that, which I had to hide from my employer. Not to mention the cuts and scrapes all over my body and face. Luckily the prosecutor dropped everything to a violation, and I dodged a bullet.
I was careful from then on to only drink at home. I figured I couldn't get arrested if I only passed out on my bedroom or kitchen floor..well this didn't work out either. The night that led to my quitting drinking for the most recent time was after I wandered out onto the street after some vodka slugs and walked 2 miles to the closest town to drink. I don't know when I left the bar but I woke up in the hospital the next morning with a sprained ankle (that the hospital staff never noticed), bruises, a black eye, etc and walked home in severe pain. (Again, miles, talk about "walk of shame").
That was June of this year and I haven't touched a drink or drug since.. I'm struggling on day 45 now to stay off the sauce. I'm terrified of ending up back in prison, the hospital, or worse...I've attended some AA meetings but mostly I do this out of sheer willpower. I guess that's why I've shown up here.
If only I could drink like a normal, casual, easy-going person. But this is not me. Now I just drink gallons of coffee and chainsmoke cigarettes, hoping I'll never have to fear for my safety and future like that again.
One day at a time...
Thanks for reading.
I noticed this website kept popping up on alcohol searches in Google so I thought I'd sign up and post my story. Maybe it will help me. Maybe some of you can relate.
I started drinking in college and this was always my drug of choice, even though I also loved smoking weed. I just always favored the energetic, passionate surge over the dreamy, zoned out lull. It allowed me to socialize without the inhibitions, a common lure.
Anyway, things quickly went downhill when I took a few quick slugs of SKYY at my girlfriend's place to fall asleep one night. I thought to myself, "Well, I'll just take the edge off, so I don't have to stare at the inside of my eyelids for the next 2 hours." That was it. I started drinking 4 shots a night to go to bed. Then I started drinking 6. Then I started carrying around an empty bottle of water with me anytime I had to sleep somewhere else, and I knew just what line to fill it to in order to get my 6, 7, or 8 clean shots of vodka down. I'd even use that same old plastic bottle over and over for weeks. I'd drink it in under 3 minutes and have an instant intense buzz. I'd lay down in bed and feel just wonderful. I rarely suffered any hangovers.
Well, I had my bad nights of course. I've been carried to and thrown onto a bed by several burly, reluctant men in my days of chugging liquor. I was also told I was a mean drunk, though never showed anger while sober.
It got really bad when I started waking up in weird places all the time. My parents found me sleeping in the front lawn with a big green bong in one hand and an empty bottle in the other. I started drinking in the afternoons, then the mornings. I'd wake up in the morning and pick up an open beer to continue where I'd left off. I once passed out at a campfire and awoke in the pitch black in the middle of the forest at night lying facefirst in the dirt to stumble blindly for an hour to get out. I once wandered a cruise ship at 5 am after I woke up, asking the staff if any bars were still open..They looked at me as if I had just asked them where the teleportation portal was located. I was a really bad drunk and everyone knew it. I was told I was a slave to alcohol. I was fired from a job for blowing a .32 on a breathlyzer. Drinking was what I did.
One night I went out drinking with my buddy from work. We drank some whacky sh** called Suju (sp?) in a bar in Korea town and next thing I knew I was in a grappling match with NYPD. They had several officers tackle me to the ground and threw me in the back of a squad car. I ended up kicking out the window in anger and they pulled me out, threw me on the ground and were about to taser me when I realized my situation...I stopped fighting them and spent the weekend in Manhattan Central Booking (I do not recommend visiting.) I was charged with 4 or 5 different crimes including criminal trespassing, the others I don't remember. It all started when a train conductor attempted to rouse me for my ticket. He had to call the cops when I resisted his attempts. They stopped the train for cops to come on and drag me out, I suppose. I'll never know since I was in a blackout. I had handcuff marks on my wrists for months after that, which I had to hide from my employer. Not to mention the cuts and scrapes all over my body and face. Luckily the prosecutor dropped everything to a violation, and I dodged a bullet.
I was careful from then on to only drink at home. I figured I couldn't get arrested if I only passed out on my bedroom or kitchen floor..well this didn't work out either. The night that led to my quitting drinking for the most recent time was after I wandered out onto the street after some vodka slugs and walked 2 miles to the closest town to drink. I don't know when I left the bar but I woke up in the hospital the next morning with a sprained ankle (that the hospital staff never noticed), bruises, a black eye, etc and walked home in severe pain. (Again, miles, talk about "walk of shame").
That was June of this year and I haven't touched a drink or drug since.. I'm struggling on day 45 now to stay off the sauce. I'm terrified of ending up back in prison, the hospital, or worse...I've attended some AA meetings but mostly I do this out of sheer willpower. I guess that's why I've shown up here.
If only I could drink like a normal, casual, easy-going person. But this is not me. Now I just drink gallons of coffee and chainsmoke cigarettes, hoping I'll never have to fear for my safety and future like that again.
One day at a time...
Thanks for reading.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
Hi Walter
Welcome to SR - congratulations on your 45 days.
Willpower alone wasn't enough for me to stay sober any real length of time - I found I needed to change my life in various ways, and I needed to reach out for support - so it's good you're here
Hope to see you around!
D
Welcome to SR - congratulations on your 45 days.
Willpower alone wasn't enough for me to stay sober any real length of time - I found I needed to change my life in various ways, and I needed to reach out for support - so it's good you're here
Hope to see you around!
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,519
What a story, Walter. Mine isn't so colorful, but alcohol had the same terrifying control over me. Thankfully, you weren't seriously hurt or killed during those insane times.
The best thing about SR is being able to tell a horrific story like that and have many people completely understand and relate. Where else can we get that on the "outside"? Not feeling like an alien anymore is what helped me to heal. There was no one in my life who had the same problem I did.
I spent many years trying to drink socially. My goal was a couple of nice, civilized glasses of wine in the evenings. That never happened, not even once - in the end it was round the clock slugging of straight vodka - and that didn't even do it for me in the end. It's horrifying how our bodies can keep adapting to more and more of the poison - for a time, anyway.
You have a chance for a whole new life, and I hope we can help you get there, Walter. I'm glad you came here & hope to see you around the place.
The best thing about SR is being able to tell a horrific story like that and have many people completely understand and relate. Where else can we get that on the "outside"? Not feeling like an alien anymore is what helped me to heal. There was no one in my life who had the same problem I did.
I spent many years trying to drink socially. My goal was a couple of nice, civilized glasses of wine in the evenings. That never happened, not even once - in the end it was round the clock slugging of straight vodka - and that didn't even do it for me in the end. It's horrifying how our bodies can keep adapting to more and more of the poison - for a time, anyway.
You have a chance for a whole new life, and I hope we can help you get there, Walter. I'm glad you came here & hope to see you around the place.
Disposable Hero
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Being, ME
Posts: 3,758
Welcome to the Sober Recovery community.
Hopefully, each day of abstinence will be the
foundation for a lifetime of recovery for you.
i don't know if my willpower alone would have kept me sober & clean,
never had before. When i heard the phrase, "God does for us what we
cannot do for ourselves.", it brought great relief to me. i realized that i
could begin trusting God to help me live sober & clean one day at a time.
For 3 yrs-6 mths-21 dys, it has worked better than i could have done alone.
i hope you find a power greater than yourself that is loving & caring
that will help you to stay sober and will lead you onward & upward.
Hopefully, each day of abstinence will be the
foundation for a lifetime of recovery for you.
i don't know if my willpower alone would have kept me sober & clean,
never had before. When i heard the phrase, "God does for us what we
cannot do for ourselves.", it brought great relief to me. i realized that i
could begin trusting God to help me live sober & clean one day at a time.
For 3 yrs-6 mths-21 dys, it has worked better than i could have done alone.
i hope you find a power greater than yourself that is loving & caring
that will help you to stay sober and will lead you onward & upward.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Medina, Ohio
Posts: 372
Walter,
Hey Man! You've definitely earned your membership in this exclusive "club". Do yourself a favor and find the nearest A.A. meeting and just go there and listen. Don't try and go it alone, there is so much support and help out there for you.
Sincerely,
John
Hey Man! You've definitely earned your membership in this exclusive "club". Do yourself a favor and find the nearest A.A. meeting and just go there and listen. Don't try and go it alone, there is so much support and help out there for you.
Sincerely,
John
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Walter,
Great story. Wow. You're my kind of drinker. I can relate to all of it except this one part.
Hogwash!, I say. Not for me, man. I never wanted to drink normal. I wanted to be gonzo, out of control, screaming in the night and raging at everything. I couldn't be happy with that mild buzz, release from care and boredom, sense of ease that normal drinkers enjoy. That just makes me want more more MORE!
Thankfully, I haven't had to feel that insane discomfort for a long time. I woke up this morning filled with gratitude. My heart felt light and I was deeply appreciative for the calmness of my life.
Through the 12 steps of AA bringing about a revolutionary psychic change in me, I am content with no need or desire for my former emotional extremes. I couldn't imagine possibly being happy without being on the edge of life. Oddly enough, this peacefulness is more fun than I could have dreamed.
Not only has this new outlook on life been tremendously fun, I found that it was necessary to maintain my sobriety. That crazy guy wishing he could drink a little to feel some of that excitement would always drink again. To be sober, to be happy and fulfilled in sobriety, that guy had to get remade into an entirely new person.
Better than I could have imagined, my friend. All it took was a little willingness and someone to show me the way.
Great story. Wow. You're my kind of drinker. I can relate to all of it except this one part.
Originally Posted by Walter 
If only I could drink like a normal, casual, easy-going person.
Thankfully, I haven't had to feel that insane discomfort for a long time. I woke up this morning filled with gratitude. My heart felt light and I was deeply appreciative for the calmness of my life.
Through the 12 steps of AA bringing about a revolutionary psychic change in me, I am content with no need or desire for my former emotional extremes. I couldn't imagine possibly being happy without being on the edge of life. Oddly enough, this peacefulness is more fun than I could have dreamed.
Not only has this new outlook on life been tremendously fun, I found that it was necessary to maintain my sobriety. That crazy guy wishing he could drink a little to feel some of that excitement would always drink again. To be sober, to be happy and fulfilled in sobriety, that guy had to get remade into an entirely new person.
Better than I could have imagined, my friend. All it took was a little willingness and someone to show me the way.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Hi, welcome to SR, that's quite a story and I relate to a lot of it. Going the road alone is a very tough road even if meetings aren't your thing you should have someone, another A that you can talk with regularly. We have to learn how to live and how to deal with life sober and it helps to have a teacher. Congratulations on 45 days, I wish you continued strength.
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