killingmesmalls

So it's my 6th day sober, but it has been a bad day. I want a glass of wine, but I'm not gonna get it, I'm left with confusion tonight though. I've written this post 3 times and deleted it because I just really didn't want to put it all out there. I'm having a hard time being completely no holds barred honest, and really am just having trouble understanding some of my situation. So here it is - if any of you have had personal experience or can offer any kind of input it would really be appreciated. I feel very lost right now.

I began drinking as a teen, went in and out of rehab a couple of times for alcohol and harder drugs. I was put on god knows how many anti-depressants back then, wound up trying to OD on them and vowed never to take them again. I have struggled with depression a good majority of my life and would self medicate with drinking - which after many years has not improved anything - big surprise. So the older I get the more I look at how I turn to the bottle for everything, whether to have a good time, to mend a wound, so my back won't hurt, to forget about stress and on and on. So I know it is a problem and have for a long time and I started to see a therapist about about it a couple of months ago. See recommended I see a psychiatrist since I have a family history of depression, but also recommended a 12 step program.

I held off for a while on her suggestions until my best friend committed suicide by ODing on hydrocodone. It killed me inside when this happened, and I went out to be with her family and help them in any way I could. I was also going to get closure and look at it eyes wide open. I read her note and her journals and couldn't believe how miserable she had been inside and how long she had felt that way, and the fact that I hadn't known. A lot of what was in those journals I had felt myself many times, and have drunken entries in my own journals that resembled exactly how she felt. She was my oldest partying buddy - and I felt like an absolute sh*t friend for not knowing what was really going on with her and worse that nothing could be done about it now.

So I come back and decide maybe I should go see the psychiatrist. I meet with him and explain my history and immediate events that led me to his office. He decided to put me on Zoloft for depression, and after asking about the side effects he looks at me inquisitively and says blankly, "Alcohol kills everything in your body that it touches." Obviously that statement stuck with me, so I had some hope that maybe I have just been depressed this whole time and self medicating with drinking and now there is this magic pill that will make me the complete opposite of what I had been all these years. The magic wand is waved. So I take the pills for about a month - and a week into it my eye is twitching & I know that I am upset at the loss of my friend but have absolutely no emotional connection to it now. It was strange. I also completely loose my libido as an added bonus.

So I go out of town and forget to take my pills with and when I get back I decide to just stay off them. In my follow up visit today my doctor is really emphatic about getting me on a different medication after I have told him that I want to try the route of 12 step and just get off everything to see where I am at. He then starts asking all these questions about what drugs I liked to use in the past and why - like pot - if you liked that then you are probably manic/depressive, or if you likes meth then you have ADD, or alcohol you are depressed. And I just looked at him dumb founded at the way he was trying to diagnosis me. And I had to get really stern that I wanted to see where I was out without alcohol being a factor before being a anti-depressant guinea pig. I think I will find a new doc if I go back.

I am at the question of which came first the chicken or the egg? Was I depressed before I started drinking, did it start after, do I really need to be medicated to the point that an eye twitch is tolerable? I'm pissed tonight honestly. I don't know what to think. I don't think being on medication is a bad thing if you need it, but I think it's another form of escape in a way. I don't know if being cut off from my emotions is where I want to be at going into recovery. I just don't get it. I'm trying, I know this isn't the easy road - but it seems like it would help me some if I understood it a little better. I have always had issues with looking at alcoholism as a disease, it just always seemed like I wasn't strong enough or was weak willed. These are my issues right now, I'd really like to hear what some of you think. Thanks

tallcactus

Stay stong.
Others will be along with more experience to offer.
I offer just my support and encourage U to get busy and read what is here. Lots of love........

box3

Thanks for your candid post, it's hard to be open about this stuff (stigma, etc). I can relate to what you've written to a large extent. I'm pretty tired right now, but I'd like to discuss some of the issues you've raised when I've got a bit more energy.

Dee74

My experience with anti-ds is limited and very out of date. I think it's fair to say though that with the right doctor, and the right medications, there's absolutely no reason to feel like you're cut off from your emotions, or that this prescribed medication is some kind of an escape.

Noone here can give you professional advice. If you're somewhat dissatisfied with your current doctor, perhaps consider getting a second opinion - then, hopefully, you can better make up your mind where to go from there .

D

nelco

I was on anti depressants when drinking and also felt a lot like you. When I stopped drinking and was in treatment and also getting on a program, a professional weaned me off the tablets. I have never needed meds again....up to today. ( who knows what the future holds) This is only my experience though and you need to seek professional advice. early sobriety was not easy and I had to deal with a lot of pain......the flood gates opened. But I am sure glad I did. With the steps and a good group/good sponsor I came out the other side. life is mean to be painful sometimes and life is also joyous. feeling too much misery needs my attention. For me It was not enough to paint over the rust, I needed to find the root cause.

Again only my experience, we have all different circumstances

box3

Can't sleep, so I might as well post, I'll try to remain coherent.

I'll echo what Dee said and reiterate that I can't give you professional advice.

I don't know. In my case, I started drinking and using drugs around the time that mental illness usually starts to manifest itself (young adulthood). I'll never know for sure whether it was triggered by drug use, or just part of my psychological and biochemical makeup, or caused by environmental factors (or indeed all of the above). For me it doesn't matter. What matters is getting the right help from the right sources and learning how to manage my mental and physical health today. I view antidepressants like I view any kind of pharmacological assistance, I don't begrudge a diabetic for taking medication daily and nor do I begrudge myself. Depression is an illness and it can kill, it is not a reflection of your competence, strength or character. Whether antidepressants are the right treatment for you is only something that you and your doctor can work out.

The facial tick raises a slight red flag, some antidepressants have been linked to tardive dyskinesia and its worthwhile discussing this side effect with a trained professional. I would ask for a second opinion and find a psychologist or psychiatrist that you feel can help you. Don't settle with a psych that you view as anything less than competent, well informed and helpful.

I'm currently reducing my SSRI because I'd like to see how I feel without it. So far it's been fine. I'm also sick of the loss of libido.

You're not alone, I wish you clarity and strength in finding the answers you seek.

readyforhelp

killingmesmalls,

I'm glad you posted. The chicken/egg thing doesn't matter much but I understand we love to talk about it. I think the depression is there, we drink, over time drink makes it worse. When I was at the end of my drinking career, I would hear in my head over and over again, "Do I drink because I'm depressed or am I depressed because I drink."

(I am not a doctor, this is not advice.) My experience with depression sounds like it has been similar to yours. Doctors love to give people meds, I have not been on any prescriptions yet, only St. John's wort which works great for me when I need it. That said, I have not had a major depressive episode since I got off the sauce. I had a little bit of a hard time last year around the holidays, but that was it. And, of course, with the ebbs and flows of life, occasionally I will feel a little down.

I think drinking definitely contributes to the depression after it (alcohol) has run it's course.

Please stick around, you will build momentum. Glad you are here and thank you for sharing!

yeahgr8

Please go to an AA meeting and get some help, the rest of the stuff will figure itself out when you are sober:-)

tommyk

I have ceased all drinking and drug using.

I have completley accepted the 12 step program into my lifestyle.

I was an 'anti-depressant' guineau pig until doctors found the right anti-depressant for me. Because no particular one anti-depressant works for everyone. Now, I know that the 'missing' biological element from my system is being provided through medicine, which is a miracle in itself. I dread the thought that I could have remained miserable and unhappy because i thought I knew more than the doctors.

6 days sober? Congrats on that... but be preparded for a host of little aggravating 'problems' like eye twitching, as your body acclimates to the absence of alcohol. Blame it on whatever you want.

But realize something - I felt I had nothing left to lose when I decided to utilize the help of others (doctors, AA, etc.). Prior to that point I 'knew' everything about what was best for me.

Keep coming back.

least

I started drinking to medicate my awful anxiety and depression. Of course the drinking only made it worse. I've been taking anti depressants for over ten years. But they don't help me if I'm drinking. Alcohol is a depressant itself, so taking antidepressants while drinking is a waste of time and medication.

I am grateful to be on antidepressants as they keep me from falling off the 'edge' of the world.

sfgirl

It is a good question but one with no answer. I think they feed each other to the point where they are so inseparable that isolating either is dangerous. That being said, I think you need to go with your doctors advice. I take zoloft but I always have (for 10 years) and when I started it it was a shock to my system. I started it for panic disorder and at even the lowest doses it gave me huge panic attacks which eventually disappeared but it throws you for a loop. Recovery in the early months also throws you for a loop. You don't need to introduce anything else into the mix. You will more than survive without an SSRI. And you will probably feel depressed. I felt pretty depressed for about the first six months of recovery but I had been burying all my negative feelings of basically my whole using life (since 14) so they had to come out somehow. Now that they are out, I feel a sort of calmness. I feel like I don't need my meds even though I am not giddy with joy but since I initially started taking them for anxiety I must say that my anxiety is pretty much nil these days. However, my psychiatrist might have a different opinion and I will listen to her.

You are lucky that you have professionals (therapist and psychiatrist) who have targeted your alcohol abuse as a problem. You may not see this now because it is early but at some point you will be very grateful (I went to doctors for years who never said a thing).

Oh, that being said there are medicines that your pdoc can prescribe that have been proven to reduce cravings of alcohol namely naltrexone (also topamax and campral). You might want to discuss those options with him.

Oh, and stay close to your therapist throughout all this.

NIAAA Publications
http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publicatio...ribingMeds.pdf

killingmesmalls

Thank you all - I realize it's not medical advice, but it's somehow comforting to hear that others are going thru or have been thru this and have found themselves in a much better place. I will find a new doctor, but think I will stay off anything until I am more in the program and along with the steps and have sponsor.

It's hard to give up something so familiar - my coping mechanism. But I know it is worth it and what comes to change in my life will be for the better. I suppose that is the scary part about giving it up, I don't know how I will change inside and what I will look at differently on the other side.

Thank you all for the comments.

shaun00

this is my experience with depression.......please remember it may NOT be the same for you and I'm not giving advice here..

i was marched to the doctor at 16 by my step mother....i was full of dark moods...vague thought of suicide...and i was beginning to drink...alot.

i was prescribed some anti anxiety/depression meds (unbelievable these days).......and stayed on them on and off till nine years ago....im 43.
stopping wasn't because i was a member of aa......as far as I'm concerned if you have a illness other than alcoholism the doctor know better than me..

Over the years Ive had mental health assessments which all concluded depression bordering manic.

2 of my family also suffer with bi-polar.

so nine years off the pills......not easy in the beginning....but i was off the booze as well....so difficult to give a full picture.

these days i have mild depression occasionally........i see it coming.
normally my mood hightens......becoming slightly manic.

then 2 or 3 days of .......becoming withdrawn.....thoughts of dying.
motivation nil......sometimes very emotional...big spectrum of feelings all negative.

but i also know that it will end........ill wake up one morning and my first thought will be my grandaughter........or i get very very hungry.
the wife says she can see it before i open my mouth..

so I'm lucky i guess......i spend long periods praying which i find comforting.

hope that helps........and btw.........sr members have helped enormously in the past when Ive been feeling sh@t......

god be with you