Things I Don't Miss
Owner of a strange glitch.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Things I Don't Miss
This was Yeahgr8's idea, a list to remind me why I got sober. Turns out I got sober on a drunken whim, so last night I wrote down reasons why I should have gotten sober. It grew out of control when I started to write it down. This is the short version. Yeah, I know it's long. I'm sure the rest of y'all know the ones I forgot.
-hoping tonight I can sleep with less liquor, so I start drinking later and end up drinking the same and sleeping less
-learning (for the twentieth time) at 6 am that 375 of 80proof does not cause drowsiness
-the realization at 2 am that I don't have enough liquor to get me either to sleep or through the night, right as the liquor stores close
-going out in public when I should not be anywhere near the public to get another bottle
-going to work/school/whatever after a night with less liquor, or none left in the morning to get me right
-waking up early for a shot and a glass of water and another hour of sleep to be right
-pretending everything is lovely when my whole body feels like I got hit with a flu tsunami
-knowing nobody believes me when I really do have the flu
-wondering if anybody will ever figure out that the pepsi I'm always carrying around is flammable
-not being able to get through the day without constant re-ups of liquor, especially when I've been overdoing it and now my body needs a shot every couple of hours to ward off the shakes
-arranging my life so that I am always have a bottle or two on hand, and that my activities don't interfere with the times I need another drink
-hating being so d- functional that I always have a ready made excuse for not quitting, since I do just fine this way
-feeling angry at people for being d- happy when I can't ever get there
-feeling guilty when others talk badly about someone for being a drunk
-wondering why some people always tell me, if the topic of alcohol comes up, that I don't have a problem when I must have whiskey on my breath
-wondering why the people who can see through my functionality never say anything, just look at me funny
-lying about why I couldn't get to work/finish a school paper/whatever, knowing it was my own d- fault
-feeling bad for bosses/teachers who give me a break after I mess up behind alcohol, because I know I'll do it again
-feeling bad for others who help me out because, again, I know I'll do it again and they could have helped someone else
-abandoning the little kids in my family, knowing I'm not worth much, but I'm the best support/role model they got since I work and go to school
-wishing that those same little kids didn't know that I'm always drunk, and knowing that they do, just like they know about all the rest of the family, and wondering how they'll make it out without falling too
-those times when I have to call in because I know I'd never get there alive
-those times when that is true for a whole week
-when it's been a couple weeks straight of overdoing it and I am ignoring everything not vital—and by this point that includes food if I don't already have it in the house
-not wanting to leave the house at all, worse having to go out, and worse still, just not going and rationalizing that I can smooth it over later
-knowing that anytime I get days off I'm going to use it to rationalize hitting the bottle harder, and it's going to hurt when I slow back down
-hating myself for picking up the bottle again
-hating myself for never making it a whole week sober
-never actually being the fun kind of drunk anyways, just slightly blurry regardless of how much I drink
-sobering up halfway to work
-being afraid to drive knowing I'm too drunk/hungover to adequately control a one-ton six cylinder murder machine in Southern California traffic, and taking the streets because I can't stay focused on the nonstop freeway, and being terrified somebody will run out in front of me
-routinely driving around 'regular drunk' and still without the reflexes to avoid someone running out in front of me or a car swerving
-worrying that I'll be involved in an accident and the alcohol in my blood will make it my fault regardless
-having to act for bosses who follow me around to check on my productivity, and bosses who follow me around to see if I'm sober enough to play with heavy equipment (yeah, they knew)
-not really having a choice about buying liquor, even though I would rather buy something else
-not really liking the fact that I'm drinking so much but not seeing much I can do about it
-hating the fact that I absolutely need to drink or I get shaky and lose my ability to function at all
-wondering why my life has taken this path, and if it will lead anywhere good, or if it's just more of the same pain I've always known
-wondering if it was something wrong with me, that maybe I was made wrong or something
-wondering if there was something I could have done different to not be this way, or if it was inevitable
-reminiscing on a past that was not fun then, but seems that way nowadays lost in a puddle of whiskey
-staring at the bottle wondering why such an innocent looking thing in my life will turn out to be the one that does me in, when I've survived all kinds of bad things that cost others their lives
-trying to remember what life was like before liquor, and then remembering and taking a double shot to forget it fast
and last but not least:
-cursing the sun for being so bright and shiny. Every day.
(mean ol' sun...)
-hoping tonight I can sleep with less liquor, so I start drinking later and end up drinking the same and sleeping less
-learning (for the twentieth time) at 6 am that 375 of 80proof does not cause drowsiness
-the realization at 2 am that I don't have enough liquor to get me either to sleep or through the night, right as the liquor stores close
-going out in public when I should not be anywhere near the public to get another bottle
-going to work/school/whatever after a night with less liquor, or none left in the morning to get me right
-waking up early for a shot and a glass of water and another hour of sleep to be right
-pretending everything is lovely when my whole body feels like I got hit with a flu tsunami
-knowing nobody believes me when I really do have the flu
-wondering if anybody will ever figure out that the pepsi I'm always carrying around is flammable
-not being able to get through the day without constant re-ups of liquor, especially when I've been overdoing it and now my body needs a shot every couple of hours to ward off the shakes
-arranging my life so that I am always have a bottle or two on hand, and that my activities don't interfere with the times I need another drink
-hating being so d- functional that I always have a ready made excuse for not quitting, since I do just fine this way
-feeling angry at people for being d- happy when I can't ever get there
-feeling guilty when others talk badly about someone for being a drunk
-wondering why some people always tell me, if the topic of alcohol comes up, that I don't have a problem when I must have whiskey on my breath
-wondering why the people who can see through my functionality never say anything, just look at me funny
-lying about why I couldn't get to work/finish a school paper/whatever, knowing it was my own d- fault
-feeling bad for bosses/teachers who give me a break after I mess up behind alcohol, because I know I'll do it again
-feeling bad for others who help me out because, again, I know I'll do it again and they could have helped someone else
-abandoning the little kids in my family, knowing I'm not worth much, but I'm the best support/role model they got since I work and go to school
-wishing that those same little kids didn't know that I'm always drunk, and knowing that they do, just like they know about all the rest of the family, and wondering how they'll make it out without falling too
-those times when I have to call in because I know I'd never get there alive
-those times when that is true for a whole week
-when it's been a couple weeks straight of overdoing it and I am ignoring everything not vital—and by this point that includes food if I don't already have it in the house
-not wanting to leave the house at all, worse having to go out, and worse still, just not going and rationalizing that I can smooth it over later
-knowing that anytime I get days off I'm going to use it to rationalize hitting the bottle harder, and it's going to hurt when I slow back down
-hating myself for picking up the bottle again
-hating myself for never making it a whole week sober
-never actually being the fun kind of drunk anyways, just slightly blurry regardless of how much I drink
-sobering up halfway to work
-being afraid to drive knowing I'm too drunk/hungover to adequately control a one-ton six cylinder murder machine in Southern California traffic, and taking the streets because I can't stay focused on the nonstop freeway, and being terrified somebody will run out in front of me
-routinely driving around 'regular drunk' and still without the reflexes to avoid someone running out in front of me or a car swerving
-worrying that I'll be involved in an accident and the alcohol in my blood will make it my fault regardless
-having to act for bosses who follow me around to check on my productivity, and bosses who follow me around to see if I'm sober enough to play with heavy equipment (yeah, they knew)
-not really having a choice about buying liquor, even though I would rather buy something else
-not really liking the fact that I'm drinking so much but not seeing much I can do about it
-hating the fact that I absolutely need to drink or I get shaky and lose my ability to function at all
-wondering why my life has taken this path, and if it will lead anywhere good, or if it's just more of the same pain I've always known
-wondering if it was something wrong with me, that maybe I was made wrong or something
-wondering if there was something I could have done different to not be this way, or if it was inevitable
-reminiscing on a past that was not fun then, but seems that way nowadays lost in a puddle of whiskey
-staring at the bottle wondering why such an innocent looking thing in my life will turn out to be the one that does me in, when I've survived all kinds of bad things that cost others their lives
-trying to remember what life was like before liquor, and then remembering and taking a double shot to forget it fast
and last but not least:
-cursing the sun for being so bright and shiny. Every day.
(mean ol' sun...)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Wow and that's the short version???!!!!
Yep can relate to them all, you've got a real window of opporrtunity here thirtybubba, all the work you are doing and hitting the AA meetings (and the sponsor you are going to get...nudge nudge hehe)
So many reasons not to go back and one real good one and that is a happy, content, peaceful existence ahead where you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror and smile at the person looking back!
Message to both of us to remember that if we go out again there is no guarantee whatsoever that we will have another opportunity to find our way back, stay strong my friend:-)
Another list i was told to do is a gratitude list, i haven't done one yet but it's coming...i am so ******* grateful though at the moment anyway, for everyone and everything in my life!
Yep can relate to them all, you've got a real window of opporrtunity here thirtybubba, all the work you are doing and hitting the AA meetings (and the sponsor you are going to get...nudge nudge hehe)
So many reasons not to go back and one real good one and that is a happy, content, peaceful existence ahead where you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror and smile at the person looking back!
Message to both of us to remember that if we go out again there is no guarantee whatsoever that we will have another opportunity to find our way back, stay strong my friend:-)
Another list i was told to do is a gratitude list, i haven't done one yet but it's coming...i am so ******* grateful though at the moment anyway, for everyone and everything in my life!
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Maintaining an attirtude of gratitude makes it really hard to go pick up a drink!!!!
I used to carry an index card with me with things I had to be grateful for due to sobriety, when ever I got down about anything I would pull it out, read it, and even edit it.
Part of the key to keeping and using a gratitude list is learning to pull it out and read it before a drink starts seeming like a good idea. When things just did not seem right, or I found myself sitting on the pity pot thinking "Woe is me!", I would pull it out and read it.
Seeing the posotive things I had as a result of staying sober helped me far more then staring ot the negatives. The last thing I want to do is lose the posotives in my life, if I have a drink they are all GONE!!!!
Maintaining a constant attitude of gratitude in the face of some of the crap that comes our way in day to day life makes day to day life better for me.
I used to carry an index card with me with things I had to be grateful for due to sobriety, when ever I got down about anything I would pull it out, read it, and even edit it.
Part of the key to keeping and using a gratitude list is learning to pull it out and read it before a drink starts seeming like a good idea. When things just did not seem right, or I found myself sitting on the pity pot thinking "Woe is me!", I would pull it out and read it.
Seeing the posotive things I had as a result of staying sober helped me far more then staring ot the negatives. The last thing I want to do is lose the posotives in my life, if I have a drink they are all GONE!!!!
Maintaining a constant attitude of gratitude in the face of some of the crap that comes our way in day to day life makes day to day life better for me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 957
What a wonderful, beautiful, sad post. I just had a 
moment. What is your major, English; you have a talent for writing.
OK, question, my friend, How does it feel now, that what you just composed, comfirm in you?
Thank you for sharing, I can so relate to most of them, what a great list.
, stay strong.
moment. What is your major, English; you have a talent for writing.OK, question, my friend, How does it feel now, that what you just composed, comfirm in you?
Thank you for sharing, I can so relate to most of them, what a great list.
, stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 248
Wow is all I can say. For so many years and before I found this site, so many of your negatives were the same as mine. And I felt that noone could be as bad as me with alcohol. But reading that and all the other posts makes me realize I was never alone with my addiction. I just didn't know anyone around me that thought the only way to drink your OJ in the morning was with vodka. At first (when I stopped) beverages tasted strange to me because they almost always had alcohol in them!
Great post! Definitely gives a pause to reflect on our past.
Great post! Definitely gives a pause to reflect on our past.
You have a great reference if you ever have cravings. I have read some great shares from you recently & it looks like you are off to a wonderful start.Owner of a strange glitch.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
So sorry OZ, um, it's okay to come out now...
Thanks y'all, and gratitudes/sponsor? At this rate I'm going to run out of breath. I have done more new things this week under the noninfluence, and my head is honestly spinning through it all.
Yeah, TJP and TC, it is a sad, sad topic. And it was my life. Writing it, and worse, reading it, I realized that I was really at the mercy of an amber liquid that did not care how I ruined my or anybody else's life. Another thing I realized is that, given the right circumstances--such as anger or frustration or some other trigger of mine--there is nothing on that list that will truly stop me from going right back.
My major is actually PoliSci/BehSci. Manipulation, heheheh. I think I've seen that topic a time or two on SR. Coincidence? I think not...
WantToLive, lol, I found out I don't even like the taste of Pepsi. I'm afraid to taste lemonade. So now I'm sticking with water and mango juice.
Texas, yeah, that's one I missed. Sunday I was getting a "vitamin water" at the Chevron station and when I went to pay, my hands were shaking so bad (this time from withdrawals though) I couldn't hardly separate the bills. Worse, behind me in line was a sheriff's deputy who had seen me climb out of the car. She didn't say anything though. I'm probably on the radar around here now, at least with her. So much for moving away from all the cops that know me.
NB, yeah, great start, but I can't help but wonder if I'm going too d- fast? And if I am, is that good or bad? I have never come close to crashing at 100mph, and close several times at less than 15. The only time I ever hit another car was at 10mph. And not just driving, that's a nice little metaphor for my life. I have gotten fairly far at breakneck speed making decisons as they come. When I stop and think things through for a while, I'm never happy. Maybe I'm just not made for going slow. Is that possible?
How am I feeling? I can't find it on YouTube, but it's on MySpace and probably other places I don't usually look. Jason Boland & The Stragglers, "Much Better Now." The title is one thing, the lyrics are almost dead on. I think he wrote it in a similar state of mind...
Thanks y'all, and gratitudes/sponsor? At this rate I'm going to run out of breath. I have done more new things this week under the noninfluence, and my head is honestly spinning through it all.
Yeah, TJP and TC, it is a sad, sad topic. And it was my life. Writing it, and worse, reading it, I realized that I was really at the mercy of an amber liquid that did not care how I ruined my or anybody else's life. Another thing I realized is that, given the right circumstances--such as anger or frustration or some other trigger of mine--there is nothing on that list that will truly stop me from going right back.
My major is actually PoliSci/BehSci. Manipulation, heheheh. I think I've seen that topic a time or two on SR. Coincidence? I think not...
WantToLive, lol, I found out I don't even like the taste of Pepsi. I'm afraid to taste lemonade. So now I'm sticking with water and mango juice.
Texas, yeah, that's one I missed. Sunday I was getting a "vitamin water" at the Chevron station and when I went to pay, my hands were shaking so bad (this time from withdrawals though) I couldn't hardly separate the bills. Worse, behind me in line was a sheriff's deputy who had seen me climb out of the car. She didn't say anything though. I'm probably on the radar around here now, at least with her. So much for moving away from all the cops that know me.
NB, yeah, great start, but I can't help but wonder if I'm going too d- fast? And if I am, is that good or bad? I have never come close to crashing at 100mph, and close several times at less than 15. The only time I ever hit another car was at 10mph. And not just driving, that's a nice little metaphor for my life. I have gotten fairly far at breakneck speed making decisons as they come. When I stop and think things through for a while, I'm never happy. Maybe I'm just not made for going slow. Is that possible?
How am I feeling? I can't find it on YouTube, but it's on MySpace and probably other places I don't usually look. Jason Boland & The Stragglers, "Much Better Now." The title is one thing, the lyrics are almost dead on. I think he wrote it in a similar state of mind...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 957
:rotfxko, you have a great sense of words with humor throw in, wow. I'm very proud to be a friend of your's and U R just amazing.......
"Texas, yeah, that's one I missed. Sunday I was getting a "vitamin water" at the Chevron station and when I went to pay, my hands were shaking so bad (this time from withdrawals though) I couldn't hardly separate the bills. Worse, behind me in line was a sheriff's deputy who had seen me climb out of the car. She didn't say anything though. I'm probably on the radar around here now, at least with her. So much for moving away from all the cops that know me."
Love that, laughed out loud so hard, I started to cough and then passed gas....LOL. I'm happy today. I feel good, gonna play that tune now.
"Texas, yeah, that's one I missed. Sunday I was getting a "vitamin water" at the Chevron station and when I went to pay, my hands were shaking so bad (this time from withdrawals though) I couldn't hardly separate the bills. Worse, behind me in line was a sheriff's deputy who had seen me climb out of the car. She didn't say anything though. I'm probably on the radar around here now, at least with her. So much for moving away from all the cops that know me."
Love that, laughed out loud so hard, I started to cough and then passed gas....LOL. I'm happy today. I feel good, gonna play that tune now.
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