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Old 08-07-2009, 06:12 PM
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I am going to see my therapist on Tuesday and I will explain to her everything that is going on and she will relay it to my psychiatrist. I have met her once briefly so this will be my first actual appointment with her. I know there is a lengthy questionnaire involved. If I am having suicidal thoughts at that time and can't guarantee that I will be safe, I will go back to the hospital. I know I need to be completely honest with her; but me going to the hospital affects my family in a negative way and they worry a lot about me. Anyway I just wanted to check in again.
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Old 08-07-2009, 06:52 PM
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Yes... your safety is the main concern at that point, Too, even though the family may not like the idea.

Thanks for the update on how you are feeling. I'll be thinking about you.

For anyone interested... my therapist suggested the steps, I resisted, saying I didn't see how the steps could help me. The therapist said there was only one guarantee... the guarantee was that if I didn't try the steps they for sure wouldn't work for me. I said I'd think about it, maybe I could find the time.

The therapist then said to be careful and not to possibly let step study time encroach on the hours and hours I spent wallowing in my depression and anxiety entertaining insane thoughts and causing myself emotional pain... we certainly wouldn't want anything productive like studying the steps get in the way of that. Basterd! But I got his point.
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Old 08-07-2009, 11:43 PM
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Toomutch~
My heart goes out to you; I know what a difficult struggle this is. I also know that you are dealing with something that is very much physical in origin. Please don't let yourself feel down because you think (or someone suggests) that you have a "spiritual" malady or are otherwise not doing enough in your recovery.

There are many holistic avenues to check out, but IMHO, they need to be addressed on a one-to-one basis with a trustworthy, licensed practitioner. Homeopathic remedies are very specific to the whole of a person's make-up. If you are interested in trying some of these approaches along side your Western med regimen, please consider seeing a naturopath. They are trained physicians and are not prone to doling out "potions"--lol.

You're in my thoughts.
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Old 08-08-2009, 12:19 AM
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Hi Toomuch,

It took a couple of years to get my meds right and I still have good and bad days, that's just depression for you, there's no magic pill. I wish there was.

I have borderline personality disorder and had dialetical behavioral therapy [DBT] it really helped me learn to deal with the way my mind worked. In my group there were women with bi-polar too.

DBT is great, it teaches you about the mind and mastery over your thoughts and emotions that trouble you. I use the skills I learned every day.

Ask your doctor or a psychologist about DBT and give it a go if you are willing, from what I have read I feel you will get a lot out of it.

There is also a therapy called CBT but I've never had it, maybe someone who has can post advise about that?

Much love and understanding,

Faerie
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Old 08-08-2009, 07:45 AM
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hi suzette,

you're apparently doing all the right things on the medication end; taking them religiously and staying in contact with the doctor. so that's good if you plan to continue taking them.

for me, i know what you mean about them "not working"...i've always viewed meds as just one of the tools i need to use to stay out of my depression (or to grow through depression to some degree at least).... i will assume you are doing other things as well like going to the doctor, trying to excercise or walk, eating as healthy as you can, and gtrowing your social life as much as your able too, and perhaps writing, and others.

it's so hard to do the non-med tools when i was feeling down; they're even hard when the pain is relieved!....

i appreciate your sharing about this. may you know that your not alone.

i send you love and kindness
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Old 08-08-2009, 07:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Rowan View Post
And, although I do work the 12-Steps, they are no cure for my depression. I quit meds twice in sobriety and both times I crashed, hard. Living by the principles of the 12 Steps certainly helps, but there are some of us who really do NEED meds.
You can count me in as one of those folks too, ladies.

I resisted meds for a long time. I thought I could do without, and that didn't work.

I've quit meds twice also, and I could never make it past the 3 year mark med-free without entertaining serious thoughts of blowing my brains out.
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Old 08-08-2009, 08:03 AM
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I was first diagnosed with bipolar 11 years ago and took meds that seemed to work until I had a doctor tell me that I was not bipolar... but depressed with an anxiety disorder. It was within a couple of yers after that when I took a down hill slide. I think that was one reason I began drinking again. Bottom line for me is to accept that I have BP and do what I can to feel better.
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Old 08-08-2009, 08:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Toomutch View Post
I was first diagnosed with bipolar 11 years ago and took meds that seemed to work until I had a doctor tell me that I was not bipolar... but depressed with an anxiety disorder. It was within a couple of yers after that when I took a down hill slide. I think that was one reason I began drinking again. Bottom line for me is to accept that I have BP and do what I can to feel better.
I would NEVER suggest anyone quit taking medication, just for the record.

I've encountered the same situation Too... one doctor diagnoses one thing another disgnoses another thing... a conclusion I have reached is that the differences between depression, bipolar, anxiety, etc. disorders are not clear-cut and not easily identifiable. It's not like an x-ray can illustrate anything 'broken'.

Bottom line - I've got the issues I've got and I need to use all of the tools available, and continually be on the lookout for more tools, to manage my issues.

One thing I've learned 100% though is that alcohol has NO PLACE in my toolbag.

In a lot of ways we're all in it together... you're not alone.
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Old 08-08-2009, 10:05 AM
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I really dont feel like leaving the house, but I'm going to. We are going hiking up a beautiful trail in the mountains. I've just got to get myself up, throw on some shorts, tank top, hiking sandals, sunscreen and a visor. I can do this.
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Old 08-08-2009, 07:32 PM
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Went hiking in the mountains, enjoyed the wildflowers. Kept trying to put depressing thoughts out of my head. Had a movie on earlier and couldn't stay awake for it. Now I'm awake and so very depressed. My husband is here with me and we are getting along well, but I feel so alone. I really don't want to go on like this anymore, why is happiness so hard to grasp and hold on too?
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Old 08-08-2009, 07:36 PM
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stay sober
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Old 08-08-2009, 07:59 PM
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(((toomutch)))


I know it sucks (depression here, not BP), but please keep trying to find the right meds/dosage.

What I'm on isn't as effective as it was when I had my dosage changed again. This time the pink cloud lasted about a month. Looks like I'll have to talk to the doc again and try something different.

I was really bad last night...I wanted to jump out of my skin. I couldn't think rationally (although at the time I believed dying/killing myself would be perfectly rational). I didn't do anything...I just felt what I felt and didn't act on it. I got a shower and went to bed...cried until I fell asleep. Luckily I woke up feeling better. I'm not happy or feeling good today...but what I feel now is under my control.

I wanted to give up everything yesterday. I was going to drop therapy and all my meds and let it take me. I hate feeling like that and knowing there isn't anything I can do about it until it decides to pass.

Hang in there, hon.
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Old 08-09-2009, 06:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Bamboozle View Post
(((toomutch)))


I know it sucks (depression here, not BP), but please keep trying to find the right meds/dosage.

What I'm on isn't as effective as it was when I had my dosage changed again. This time the pink cloud lasted about a month. Looks like I'll have to talk to the doc again and try something different.

I was really bad last night...I wanted to jump out of my skin. I couldn't think rationally (although at the time I believed dying/killing myself would be perfectly rational). I didn't do anything...I just felt what I felt and didn't act on it. I got a shower and went to bed...cried until I fell asleep. Luckily I woke up feeling better. I'm not happy or feeling good today...but what I feel now is under my control.

I wanted to give up everything yesterday. I was going to drop therapy and all my meds and let it take me. I hate feeling like that and knowing there isn't anything I can do about it until it decides to pass.

Hang in there, hon.
Bam - I'm sorry you had such an awful time yesterday; and I'm glad you woke up happier today.
I woke up feeling better as well... We are going to church and out to lunch with my mother. I pray that I will stay level emotionally today... No rapid cycling; being happy one minute and sad the next.
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Old 08-09-2009, 05:35 PM
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(((Toomutch)))
Hope you'll post tonight (or soon) and let us know how you are doing.
My thoughts are with you. Hang in there.
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Old 08-09-2009, 05:48 PM
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My day was fine, it was nice having lunch with my mom. It's like baby steps with me, church and lunch wore me out and I began getting irratable and having that need to come home and curl up in a blanket. I have been on the verge of tears several times today just out of the blue. But right now at this moment, I feel content... not quite happy... but content. I just hope to get beyond the rapid mood fluctuations.... I am fairly certain I appear crazy to those around me going between moods like I do.
My most disturbing thoughts today were planning on killing myself after all the kids move out... Scary!
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Old 08-09-2009, 05:58 PM
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I know you're seeing your therapist Tuesday, but don't hesitate to call someone before that if the thoughts persist or become pressing, Suzette, ok?

D
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Old 08-10-2009, 11:38 AM
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Was having a hard time being in my own skin this morning, so I got busy. Walked the dogs, mowed up all the leaves that were hammered out of the trees by the hail last night. Then pruned all my flowers, started a pot of soup. While I'm busy I seem to be doing okay... but I can't stay busy all the time and once I stop, the thoughts start again.
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Old 08-10-2009, 11:47 AM
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I'm a little like that too, almost need to have something occupying my mind at all times. It doesn't happen to me that often, Suzette, so I sympathize with what you must go through much of the time. If I'm in one of those moods, I have to put on tv, a movie, or music if I'm not busy doing household stuff. We should be able to be at peace with our own thoughts, not tortured. I hope you get some relief from this stressful time when you go to the therapist tomorrow.
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Old 08-10-2009, 11:56 AM
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I have no words of wisdom or comfort, only can say I feel a lot the same as you do. I will keep you in my prayers.
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