A little honesty
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 24
A little honesty
This migh be long, so sorry in advance...
I have to say that I dont feel completely comfortable here yet. Most here are not very welcoming of my choice to still have a few glasess of wine on Saturday nights. I dont post my days sober (although I have been sober since July 13th). I have not been drunk since July 13th.
Now the honesty part. I read post after post where ppl are completely honest about their lives..I guess its ok, bcs no one on here really know you right...
Well.. when I joined SR I was really fighting myself on my alcohol consumption, that has really been out of control the last 2 1/2 years. I have probably had something to drink 90 % of nights during the last 2.5 years. Before that it was always in moderation and socially. NEVER ALONE...thats something that really changed in the last 2.5 years!
So now the honesty,not thats its something to be ashamed of...but 2.5 years ago I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I was 41 just newly divorced after 18 years, raising 2 teens alone, already depressed over my failed marriage, husband moved away and had no contact....and wham that hit me like a brick. I was alone with no family around. I was scared to death I would die...wow thats hard to say.
It was a whirlwind, doctors, surgeries, radiation, more surgeries, doctors...I was so incredibly overwhelmed and depressed and scared.
My friends helped with dinners, and some appts, but I was just too stubborn to let them help me with more than that. When I look back I was stupid, because I ran myself into the ground.
ok..so something I have never said on here. My doc prescribed me xanax on the day of diagnosis. I took it very sparingly, like maybe once a month...then got progressivley worse. THey were only .5 and I never took more than 2 a day....but...I also started drinking more, why the hell I did it, I dont know, bcs my docor warned me about too much. She said a glass of red wine a night wont hurt you, but I went full force and I know it was bcs I was scared and depressed....
What a viscious cycle I started back then and with the help of SR have realized. I said in an earlier post that I had no idea alcohol causes anxiety...so I would drink more and over the course of time felt so anxious, I would take a half a xanax and feel better...wow what a mistake. Well since I joined on the 13th, I have not had one xanax and dont even want one, I have no anxiety...god I wish I had researched this before...what a cycle I created.
I know I am rambling, but I am in a hurry. I want to feel welcome here even though I will probably have 2 glasses of red wine this Saturday. I do like it here, and get encouragement from your posts.
Because of you I am zanax free since July 13 and only had 7 glasses of wine. Thats about 24 bottles less than if I hadnt joined. I am thankful I stoppped the xanax before it became a problem and I am very proud of myself for keeping my wine intake to 2 glasses on Sat nights.
AND..I a 2 years cancer free as of my mamogram 2 weeks ago...way to go determined1....yes I have become a big fan of myself.
I have to say that I dont feel completely comfortable here yet. Most here are not very welcoming of my choice to still have a few glasess of wine on Saturday nights. I dont post my days sober (although I have been sober since July 13th). I have not been drunk since July 13th.
Now the honesty part. I read post after post where ppl are completely honest about their lives..I guess its ok, bcs no one on here really know you right...
Well.. when I joined SR I was really fighting myself on my alcohol consumption, that has really been out of control the last 2 1/2 years. I have probably had something to drink 90 % of nights during the last 2.5 years. Before that it was always in moderation and socially. NEVER ALONE...thats something that really changed in the last 2.5 years!
So now the honesty,not thats its something to be ashamed of...but 2.5 years ago I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I was 41 just newly divorced after 18 years, raising 2 teens alone, already depressed over my failed marriage, husband moved away and had no contact....and wham that hit me like a brick. I was alone with no family around. I was scared to death I would die...wow thats hard to say.
It was a whirlwind, doctors, surgeries, radiation, more surgeries, doctors...I was so incredibly overwhelmed and depressed and scared.
My friends helped with dinners, and some appts, but I was just too stubborn to let them help me with more than that. When I look back I was stupid, because I ran myself into the ground.
ok..so something I have never said on here. My doc prescribed me xanax on the day of diagnosis. I took it very sparingly, like maybe once a month...then got progressivley worse. THey were only .5 and I never took more than 2 a day....but...I also started drinking more, why the hell I did it, I dont know, bcs my docor warned me about too much. She said a glass of red wine a night wont hurt you, but I went full force and I know it was bcs I was scared and depressed....
What a viscious cycle I started back then and with the help of SR have realized. I said in an earlier post that I had no idea alcohol causes anxiety...so I would drink more and over the course of time felt so anxious, I would take a half a xanax and feel better...wow what a mistake. Well since I joined on the 13th, I have not had one xanax and dont even want one, I have no anxiety...god I wish I had researched this before...what a cycle I created.
I know I am rambling, but I am in a hurry. I want to feel welcome here even though I will probably have 2 glasses of red wine this Saturday. I do like it here, and get encouragement from your posts.
Because of you I am zanax free since July 13 and only had 7 glasses of wine. Thats about 24 bottles less than if I hadnt joined. I am thankful I stoppped the xanax before it became a problem and I am very proud of myself for keeping my wine intake to 2 glasses on Sat nights.
AND..I a 2 years cancer free as of my mamogram 2 weeks ago...way to go determined1....yes I have become a big fan of myself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
Posts: 4,043
Let me be the first to welcome you after this post. Each of us travels our own path of recovery and I am not here to judge but to be of support and encouragement as you begin your journey.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
A lot of people post here that still drink.
It IS a sobriety and recovery website. Moderation Management probably has one too that might be more 'welcoming' to a moderation program. If sobriety isn't your goal, I wonder what YOU would be getting from coming here, actually..
Everyone's welcome, and for those of us who choose not to interact with active drinkers, thank you for the heads up!
It IS a sobriety and recovery website. Moderation Management probably has one too that might be more 'welcoming' to a moderation program. If sobriety isn't your goal, I wonder what YOU would be getting from coming here, actually..
Everyone's welcome, and for those of us who choose not to interact with active drinkers, thank you for the heads up!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 24
Well smacked's reply was enough to let me know that this is not the place for me...after being honest and saying things that are really hard to talk about I get smacked. I wish you all luck and hopefully I can find a place where I am more welcome.
Take care.
Take care.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
I wasn't being facetious.. and I wasn't being rude.
It's the truth. A lot of people do drink and post. A lot of people here are very new to sobriety and fragile when it comes to active drinking. I'm not. A lot are. I was only wondering what you felt YOU would gain from a website like this, if you're going to continue on drinking? Doesn't make sense to me.
EVERYone is welcome here. We are ALL at different points in our recovery journey.
Your goal is not sobriety... like I said a lot of people here are sensitive to that. Anyone who has a problem with it, can take note that you're not on that path.
You can place me on "ignore", there's some amazing people here that will welcome you as well.
It's the truth. A lot of people do drink and post. A lot of people here are very new to sobriety and fragile when it comes to active drinking. I'm not. A lot are. I was only wondering what you felt YOU would gain from a website like this, if you're going to continue on drinking? Doesn't make sense to me.
EVERYone is welcome here. We are ALL at different points in our recovery journey.
Your goal is not sobriety... like I said a lot of people here are sensitive to that. Anyone who has a problem with it, can take note that you're not on that path.
You can place me on "ignore", there's some amazing people here that will welcome you as well.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Firstly, congrats on kicking the Xanax 
I also fought & still fight with anxiety at times (I think we posted about it together).
So happy to hear that you beat breast cancer & that you are tapering your drinking down.
You are welcome here & I urge you to stay & keep posting. The one thing you need to remember is that this is a recovery forum for alcoholics & drug abusers so hearing about how you are able to "have a few" can be a death sentence for some of us to start considering.
I wish you all of the support in the world & hope that you stay with us & keep sharing sucess while being mindful of the struggles that some are going through & how hearing about how you are able to "have a few" can be deadly for some.
All of the best,
NB
I also fought & still fight with anxiety at times (I think we posted about it together).So happy to hear that you beat breast cancer & that you are tapering your drinking down.
You are welcome here & I urge you to stay & keep posting. The one thing you need to remember is that this is a recovery forum for alcoholics & drug abusers so hearing about how you are able to "have a few" can be a death sentence for some of us to start considering.
I wish you all of the support in the world & hope that you stay with us & keep sharing sucess while being mindful of the struggles that some are going through & how hearing about how you are able to "have a few" can be deadly for some.
All of the best,
NB
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
I'll welcome ya .. 
But not without also reiterating exactly what NewBeginning said..
"Be mindful of the struggles that some are going through and how hearing about how you are able to 'have a few' can be deadly for some".
I couldn't say anything better than that.
If you don't have a problem with alcohol or drugs, that is great!
A lot of us do though, and that 2 drinks deal is a killer. Literally.
But not without also reiterating exactly what NewBeginning said..
"Be mindful of the struggles that some are going through and how hearing about how you are able to 'have a few' can be deadly for some".
I couldn't say anything better than that.
If you don't have a problem with alcohol or drugs, that is great!
A lot of us do though, and that 2 drinks deal is a killer. Literally.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Hi determined
I'll also go with the flow here.
I'll be honest - I'll be the first to admit I don't know why anyone would keep drinking, or why they would want to, if they'd been through what I have, and been where I was.
But your experience is not mine, and we all do well to remember that - you me, everyone.
We all should think of how our posts can look to others.
I'm glad you kicked the xanax and the breast cancer.
I hope you continue to find the support here you need
D
I'll also go with the flow here.
I'll be honest - I'll be the first to admit I don't know why anyone would keep drinking, or why they would want to, if they'd been through what I have, and been where I was.
But your experience is not mine, and we all do well to remember that - you me, everyone.
We all should think of how our posts can look to others.
I'm glad you kicked the xanax and the breast cancer.
I hope you continue to find the support here you need
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
I agree with smacked's post...moderation management support would be more useful for you.
I don't know if you will return to read this but try and understand that this is life or death for us...literally...
I don't know if you will return to read this but try and understand that this is life or death for us...literally...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 285
I don't know about people not being welcoming. Maybe they aren't. But I also think a lot of times we see the world through the prism of our own minds. That is, you may see this as a much more hostile place than it is because of your own distorted perceptions. Alot of times when I attribute people saying negative things about me it is more about my own insecurities. In your case maybe you are not completely comfortable with this moderation thing? I only say that because you go to great lengths to explain/justify it, which is not a necessary excerise if you are truly confident you are right. Also, I don't think smacked was rude at all, actually the opposite. Good luck, stick around, and congratulations.
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