MycoolFitz

...at least I can't. Been away on business since Sunday and thinking "it'll be good to get home tomorrow" when I remembered I won't have a home to go to. Moved out of my beautiful home in the foothills above Reno into a small one bedroom apartment with an air matress for a bed. Wondering why I decided to leave and then I hear her voice, day in and day out: "My life was so nice without you while you were in rehab"; take out more life insurance so when you relapse and drive drunk and crash I'll be taken care of"; you haven't suffered nearly enough yet"; you married me under false pretenses" and on and on. And I know she has every right to be angry, bitter, vengeful, but I can only take so much and still focus on my sobriety, which, she says, is the only thing I care about. 6 month "trial separation". We are so conflicted together that one or both of us will say or do something irreparable. Apart, with work (we're seeing a therapist, amoung other things) we may be able to be together again. I hope for the best but I will miss my home, and my dog, and the women I married and the woman that married me. Who I won't miss is the old me, even though my wife liked the drinking me but not the drinking. But I ramble, thanks for listening. Tomorrow will be what it will be. With continued sobriety all things are possible.

Gypsy Feet

it hurts some. Even healing hurts some. Thanks for sharing that, my healing hurts a bit as well.

Zencat

Well your on a new path...a new destination. There's going to be new discoveries as well as old recollections make peace with. I encourage you to take refuge in those spiritual teachings that can deliver you from what was into what can be "one day at a time"...with intention.

Beds are easy to come by...a place to rest is just as easy...bed or no bed.

tommyk

I think you have you priorities in order.

Anna

It's sad and hard for you to be going through this. I hope focusing on your sobriety will bring you peace in your life.

KenL

That is so sad, Mycool. Sorry to hear that you had to hear all of those hurtful things. I too had some horrible things said to me by my now ex-wife. I'm glad I'm not with her anymore. Wanna know why? Because I can remember how I felt like a nothing when I was with her. She was non-affirming and unaccepting of me. I somehow thought it was normal and lived with it for years. I wasn't even drinking that much at the time. It was after all that happened that I became a heavy drinker.

I too was told it was gonna be a trial seperation. But 3 weeks after I was out of the house it was all too clear that I wasn't going back. I moved into a one bedroom apartment like you did. I hated that apartment. I'm sure you must hate yours. I missed my home so much. I didn't see my kids every day like I used to. It was hell.

I have some idea of what you're feeling. And if I may suggest one thing. Think hard about whether or not you want to go back and be with your wife. Think about that relationship and if you think it could ever be restored. Try to put things into perspective, assuming you haven't already, and then move forward. You're in a period of flux right now and your frame of mind may not be the same as it would be under better circumstances. I hope that everything works out between you and your wife. But if it doesn't, you have to remember that it's not all your fault for not working out. Also remember that you're still a worthwhile person.

vegibean

Cool, if it's any consolation, I wouldn't trade my divorced, separated life from "him" for anything. I know your situation is different. Things do change.

Looking back then and trying to look forward I did not think I would have the peace and serenity that I have in my life today. I don't miss one second of it at all. The good times? They were so few.

Just sharing..........I wouldn't change a thing and it's been one of the toughest roads I've traveled.

Hope the trip is going well.

Wolfchild

It is just another opportunity to apply what you have learned and depend on a power greater than yourself. Sure, it's painful, but that's a good sign that your not trying to avoid or minimize the situation. i have faith in you and in your committment to living a sober & free life. PM me if you need to talk, rant, rave, or whatever. i hope and pray that you will learn what you can & that you will be strengthened in your recovery. Easy does it MycoolFitz!

MycoolFitz

Thanks all. I was laying here in my hotel room feeling a little sad, lonely, down and thinking I'm depressed because I am experincing some grief and loss over my relationship with my wife, and maybe still some from the loss of my DOC. And then I thought, that's ok. It's ok to hurt, it's legitimate. I can feel my feelings even the painful ones and know that I'm alive. I don't need to numb then with booze, not to feel, not to truely be alive, not tobe truely living. Accepting pain is a part of recovery and well woth the cost. "Ooh, Love Hurts..." Namaste friends

KenL

We're here for ya, Mycool...

Astro

Oh man, I could sooo relate to your post, and KenL's too. It's not very manly, but I wish I could put a hand on your shoulder or give you a hug, and assure you that everything will be alright, there will come a day when you'll look back on this as just another brick on your path in recovery.

There must be something about Reno ....my spouse went there back in '05 on an "educational" trip for teachers. Some education. I found out shortly thereafter she had begun an affair with a co-worker on that trip, one month later I was starting my journey in recovery, our divorce process had started, I was being kicked out and looking for an apartment. No kids, no home, no dogs, oh man did it hurt. I had a one-bed apartment, I hated it and was so ashamed. But looking back, I'm glad I had that place to start my life anew and work on myself, it was a stepping stone for me.

She told me similar things, wanted somebody she could share a bottle of wine with, not a drunk in recovery, and that she found someone to love her when I only loved my alcohol. Honestly, I wish her all the best with the alcoholic she's married to now. I got tired of hearing all the hurtful, hateful things.

I came home tonight to a new home, picked up my kids on the way here and we're sharing a perfect evening together with my fiancee, she's also in a recovery program and she's a great woman. I have a better life than I've ever had, I owe it all to AA and the 12 Steps, and a God of my understanding.
No, I couldn't go home again, but home is where I make it, as far as I'm concerned this home can only get better. I've got a life beyond my wildest dreams and expectations.

Tomorrow will be what it will be. With continued sobriety all things are possible.

You've got the key ingredients there, the recipe for a great life in recovery. I wish you nothing but the best, and look forward to hearing about your progress.

wanttolive

I lost a husband over my drinking. He wanted me to get help, said he would take care of my kids so I could go to rehab and be waiting when I got out.

I insisted I didn't have a problem so instead I got the divorce papers. I can so relate to the pain you are in right now. I will say in time it gets better but I will always wonder what if....

I am now with a great guy and have been for almost 6 yrs. Life doesn't always work out like we think it should but I believe things happen for a reason and in the end it works out for the best. The optimist in me I guess!

Keep your chin up and know that in time and especially with sobriety you will start to heal. My thoughts are with you.

MycoolFitz

I discovered the root of my depression, I'm also leaving my dog. He's so smart he learned the Yoga position "Down Dog"

NewBeginning010

So sorry to hear that you are going through tough times MCF. You have helped me with my recovery by sharing some of the things that you have learned.

I am sitting here trying to come up with something meaningful for you but I have to say that I am in a bit of a tough spot right now too, I will be back with something for you...
{I'm Back}
Thinking about the anger that your wife has for you & the anger you have for your wife I searched for forgiveness & found this, I hope it is in some way meaningful (you probably already know the story... in blue ;-)

Take Care,

NB

Buddha: a Story of Forgiveness | Sahaja Yoga Meditation Australia

I do not know what comes first, but, of course, every mother wants her child to be good and the Holy Mother wants Her child to be a holy person. The first thing is the holiness. Now for that, how can you compel someone? The only thing that makes you understand is this: if you don’t become holy how will you get your ascent? We have to be holy. What discipline can one put for making a person holy? What can you force? What can you get angry for? The only method I use normally is to forgive. Maybe the forgiveness is the highest quality for teaching people. When they know that they have done wrong and they confess it, then you have to forgive.

In the life of Buddha, there was a man who was abusing Him without understanding and when he finished with his abuses and Buddha had left, people told him, “Do you know who you were abusing? It was Lord Buddha.” He got the fright of his life.

He said, “Where is He gone?”

“He has gone to another village.”

So he went to the other village and he said, “Sir, I am sorry for what I said. Please forgive me. It’s all wrong and I should not have done it. You can punish me the way you like.”

Lord Buddha said, “When did you do that?”

He said, “Yesterday.”

Buddha said, “I don’t know yesterday. I know only today.”

You see, when you tell these things, how great one feels, isn’t it? So your greatness, your nobility will definitely influence people. It’s not by fighting, by quarrelling, by saying harsh things that it is going to work out.

Shri Mataji, Sahaja Yoga founder, 1993

tigers13

I hope you can get some visitation time with your dog...I know how special they can be. :ghug3

KenL

Mycool, a dog is a special thing, they love us unconditionally. That kind of love is hard to find. Look forward to a day and a time when you'll be with a new puppy should your marriage not work out.

Newbeginning...I recently read that forgiveness is love...I also saw it in a movie I recently saw, Into the Wild.

I do believe that forgiveness is a form of love. But we can forgive and move on to new beginnings....leaving the past behind. Forgiveness sets both people free. Something for you to consider Mycool...just sayin'. I only hope that your wife sees it that way.

Tazman53

MycoolFitz feeliings............... not always pleasant, but in sobriety we learn to deal with them, to accept them, and most importantly to learn from them.

I have been sober almost 3 years now, when I went into detox my wife already had a place lined up for her and the kids to move to at the end of that same month. When I got home from detox after I told her that staying sober was my #1 priority I asked her if they were still moving........ her reply "We will see."

Well they did not move, but I knew that I had to stay and wanted to stay sober for me. I was sober for well over 4 months before things began to lighten up on the home front with my wife and I, we did not argue, but there was a defininat "COLDNESS" for a good while, things have slowly been improving between us and are almost back to normal now.

That is not to say that sobriety will always save a marriage, my first sponsor's wife left him after he had been sober for 3 years, they still got along, but she said he was not the same man she had married. He has since remarried to a lady who is not in recovery and is very happy. His ex and him still get along just fine.

Just keep working on you and your sobriety, keep your side of the street clean, what will happen, will happen, you will still be able to look in the mirror and like who you see.

MycoolFitz

Sleep, what's that. Actually my shrink prescribed Seroquel for me and its helped though I think I'm building up tolerance. Fly home (?) today, so we'll see what we see. It'll work out. Only 5% that's sad. Well make room for me. Maybe its time for us SR folks to up the %. You all take care, here.

coffeenut

Best wishes, Cool.

tallcactus

((MycoolFitz))
My heart breaks and aches for you. Love sure does hurt and everyone hurts. I offer my support here. I offer my prayers too.
Not in the same position, but having problems and thinking about seperation or divorce.
See, I was the drinker, my husband was codependent and an enabler. He use to drink MAYBE 1 or 2 a year. Now he won't drink because of my history of abuse, my DOC: alcohol. Read my past posts, when u get the time,(If u want too.) then you will understand, what I'm trying to say. He really, really loves me, but, love hurts.....