thirdeye

I am defeated. Alcohol won. I'm at an all new low. If I had health insurance I would walk myself right into the psych ward. Insomnia, depression, and withdrawal. 6 years ago I never thought I would be eye to eye with a disease that is slowly killing me and draining me of any semblance of a decent life. I am suprised I'm not dead now. At 23 years old I have evolved into a text book case of an alcoholic. It's 4 am, I haven't slept for two days. I wish I could take it all back. Make it all go away and start over. Take all the pain I inflicted away, all of the poor decisions. I'd give anything to take it back. To never have tasted alcohol.

I don't even know where to begin recovery. Abstaining from alcohol will not heal the pain from years of abusing it. I do not want to sound like a victim, or a whiner. But through this addiction I hurt more than I ever have from anything. I have destroyed my life.

What began as a weekend beer when I was 16, became a 750 mL of vodka every night and then it progressed even more. I'm afraid I may already have health problems.

If you read this, thank you. I am hoping through posting this that maybe I will feel just a little more human.

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community....

There are options you can use to benefit yourself
regarless of your lack of insurance.
For your initial de tox days....you can find assistance
I'm not talking about rehab ..but de toxing.

Try contacting your local Salvation Army.
Most teaching hospitals have ER saff who know how
to safely de tox They must take anyone in need.
Your local AA will know what specifically is available
in your area. Go to a meeting an ask for help.
Call your county health department for information.

I'm glad you are here with us....many of us understand
and we are winning over alcohol...

Keep posting ...others will be along to offer support.

louis

Hi

I just wanted to stop by and welcome you to the site....
I find abstenience doesnt take anything away from how i feel about my past but it does mean i dont cause anymore hurt (unless i want to)...
What it does do is allows me to deal with my past more effectively... instead of hiding from it....
Time will help deal with that too...

You have made a good start though.... stick around here... read/post... dont keep what you are feeling inside...
It will help.... honestly.... it helps me...

Please try and be gentle on yourself.... it wont be easy... but it will get easier... just stick with it...

be well
louis

Dee74

Hi third eye

you said
Detox is the first step - pls check out the leads Carol has provided.

Then...you rebuild, brick by brick, day by day, one brick at a time.
I'm nearly twice your age and have 2 and half years sober -
it *is* possible because I've done it - and so have many others here

Regret and remorse are natural bedfellows in the early days.
We can't change the past, but we can change our future.

This place was instrumental in helping me change my future back in 2007.
I hope you stick around

D

Sikkisirus

You CAN do it, you've taken the first step. Im wishing you the best

Tazman53

I will second what Carol has suggested. I will add a bit also.

Are you willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober?

Go to an AA meeting, drunk or sober, the only requirement to become a member of AA is "A desire to stop drinking!" I went to my first AA meeting drunk on my butt, I was shocked, they welcomed me with open arms! No one told me to leave or that I had to be sober to come to a meeting, they knew where I was at, they had been there!

Follow Carols suggestion, the past you can deal with later once you get sober and stop reliving your past.

In AA I found out how to deal with my past and how to move beyond it and have actually found that my past can help other alcoholics see that one can get beyond thier past no matter what thier past is.

If you get sober and get to work on a recovery program and a therapist possibly you will learn how to come to grips with your past and not have your past own you any longer.

Hevyn

Welcome to the family thirdeye. Some of the wisest people on SR have already responded with what I would have said. I'll just add that for me, finding a place where I could be myself and everyone would understand made all the difference. Dee kept reminding me that nothing could be gained by reliving the past & I'd likely never move forward if I didn't put it in perspective. Learn from it, of course - but you must lose that negative image of yourself. That is not the real thirdeye. That person has yet to emerge. You are young - you can make all the bad things just a dim memory and come out into the sun to face your real life.

tommyk

Welcome to SR.

Finding the courage to face your fears is admirable.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

There is hope!

Carol's advice is excellent. Do check out a Salvation Army near you. They offer free rehab for people.

Know that you can get through this and live a sober life.

Waterman

NO ONE is beyond help. You are still young enough to recover, but you need to take action for yourself TODAY. Listen to what some of these folks on here are telling you. Recovery can be tormenting, but victory is sweet!

KenL

We're with you thirdeye. Know that much. Many of us know what you are going through. Keep coming back to SR for support. Sending prayers your way...

luckedog

Trust me- at 24 your life is not destroyed!!! You can fix it-It’s not too late.
The bright spot here is you have realized the damage alcohol causes and want to change!
I did not really understand that until my mid 50's! DON'T waste all the time I did, get help now. you already have me beat by 30 years!! Listen to the advice that has been given here. Then do it.
I hope you make the right decision!

smynthia

Welcome. There is a lot of support and recovery here. Read other's stories. There are many different tools for recovery. You can start today and build from there. Good luck!

keithj

Thirdeye,

I have been exactly where you are. It took me more years to get there, but I know all about the pain and despair and hopelessness of alcoholism.

I can assure you that if you walk into most any AA meeting, and say what you just wrote, someone will come up to you after that meeting and present you with a solution to your problem. If you are willing to follow the directions of that solution, you can recover, and have a better life than you ever thought possible.

Find those people that talk about a spiritual solution, be willing to let them help you, and follow the directions. Simple.

coffeenut

Welcome to SR. I wish I would have been as brave as you are...to know I had a problem and gotten help at such a young age. Do it. Get help. We're here.

floridadetox

First of all, don't be so hard on yourself. If you've the presence of mind to come to a place like this for support and to "feel just a little more human" then the alcohol hasn't won yet. And it's never to late to start turning things around. It may have taken longer then you wanted it to, but you're on the right path now and that's what matters most.

I know it can seem quite overwhelming when you start to think of recovery, but don't let it bog you down. You have to take things one step at a time. Remember that there are 2 main parts to recovery - emotional healing and physical healing. Both have to take place for you to get better. So perhaps start off with a support group (they work wonders for putting a perspective on your personal situation), and then perhaps you can research treatment facilities. Take the time to interview them, and ask them how their process is different from or better than another facility's. And remember to choose a place or professional that will help you to heal both parts of the issue, not just one or the other.

You are not alone in what you're going through, you are not a bad person, and your life isn't ruined. Remember that. There are people who have been there, and they are proof that there is help to be found. But it starts with you and you're on the right path. Give yourself some credit, and come here every time you're feeling alone or down.

Oh, and I have found that refocusing my energy helps with stress and insomnia. Perhaps working out (there are support groups who offer workout buddies and such), working on a project or helping others in need will help you at the start.

Good luck, we're all rooting for you!

-DH

Wolfchild

Hello and welcome to the Sober Recovery community.
Please keep seeking out the help & hope you need
and have a little faith that you too can live sober.

pino

When you said that you wished you never tasted booze before, and that you wished you could "take it all back", that so sounds like me about a month ago! I too wished I could go back and time and change what I did! If only it were possible! The good thing is you're trying to make an effort to stop right? Youve made the first step by posting here! I remember feeling afraid of the long journey, and "never drinking again", but honestly it's not too bad. Really! It can get better, youre young, you have a chance to change!

SomeCallMeTim

Welcome and i'm praying for you. :praying

thirtybubba

Welcome, and I hope you stay long enough to find something you can use here.

I felt that same way when I realized that it took me at least a fifth to get through the day, that how could this have happened and I'm still so young. And I felt that same way months and months later when nothing seemed to work. I find out next week how much damage I did to my body, or at least what the tests show out.

I'm pretty new at this sobriety, and I have no idea where it'll lead me, but I just decided it was worth a try and went from there. The last decade I just went where I was led, and this ain't really no different I guess. Sounds like you're coming from a similar place.

Like others above me said, get to some kind of detox. You sound like you're already sold on the alcohol won, but either way you got nothing much to lose. You get sober and you might just like it after all. It's been a while since you knew what being free of it all was like, right?...