Aysha

I have been fine since my last relapse. I usually am for at least a month. I dont even know if its been a month yet. I doubt it. But every time I get some money that isnt absolutely crucial to pay a bill with. I get antsy.
I had to deliver a bed I sold in the projects of another city that has high drug activity. I have never been to that one and dont know anyone there. but still. It got my stomach doin flips.
My brother is going to be here for dinner in about 45 mins.
I have about $70 that I dont absolutely need. I do but it wouldnt matter if I had it or not kinda thing. I am on day 3 with no cig again.
I am just shakey. I hate this feeling.
I am pretty sure I will make it. But yall already know. It always starts this way.
And I just need to make it known and get it out.

Dee74

Keep getting it out (((Trish)))
I used to feel like that too with 'spare' money - it got better the longer I stayed straight... I got used to saving it.

keep posting Trish
hugs
D

mikefreak

Put it in the bank! It's a nice security blanket to have. On my sobrieity date ( Nov. 8), I had $ 8.34 in my bank account. Now 1.6K. You sure can sleep better at night knowing your world isn't going to end if some financial crisis happens. Plus, if the money's not burning a hole in your pocket because it's in the bank, Temptation is twarted.

ventuhome

Dont know if its too late in your time zone to turn on CNBC at 6pm and 9 pm Suze Orman is on. SHe's a good financial advisor, and she's become my money guru. You gotta start saving money when you have extra. You need an emergency fund (or rainy day fund, as grandma used to call it). Its great that you have been working on sobriety, and have about 30 days.

Mattcake

I agree with Dee, Chi. Money is a strong trigger for you but you know that you can still use when you're broke. And you've been clean for long periods of time, with money in your pocket. So avoid risky situations - can someone else deliver the bed, or maybe the buyer would be willing to pick it up?

Just... keep reaching out

gravity

Saving money is a great idea or...

Use that $70 to treat yourself to something special...for me it would be DVD's, music, clothes, jewelery. You are working so hard at staying clean and you deserve it. Or maybe spend it on a friend or family member...that always feels good!

Aysha

I am in full blown panic mode right now. I am not even going to post anymore. Cause I am a hot mess right now.
I already took the bed Matty. Thats what got me goin.
And I dont usually go the first time without money. It when I have been over there already and get stuck is when I go on the chase.
Some of you are missing the point to this. I know you probably dont know enough about my story.
Money triggers me big time to go smoke crack.
Its not about saving money. Its about money being thee biggest trigger I have ever had.
I go through this so much.
I am jumpy and feelin so sick.
I am just goin to lay down. I am just shuttin down.
Scared to think, move or anything.

Dee74

ok...

It's a trigger Trish - so don't pull it.

Give your truck keys to your Grams, lock yourself in your room, give the money to starving orphans.... do whatever you have to do so you don't go and get wasted.

You're a human being, not a puppet. It's an urge, a thought, a want.
You don't have to do something that's bad for you.

The more times you don't react, and the longer you stay clean, the less you get into the whole call and response thing and you can start to move forward.

I think thats what everyone here has been on about.

and Trish - sometime soon you're gonna have to do something else besides white knuckling.
Called that counselling you were thinking about?

I love you - I hate to see a mate slamming themselves into the same brick wall.
D

Mattcake

I misread your first post, Chi. Sorry about that. And I'm sorry you're going through this yet again. Doesn't it anger you? What's it going to take? Keep reaching out - PM me.

Remember that you're loved

ex D-Boy

Remember to ask yourself Trish..... What happens when the money runs out? Do rainbows and sunshine come out? Or are you left feeling miserable, depressed and willing to do anything to get high just one more time...telling yourself youll quit just after this bag.

If your anything like me (and I kinda think you are) when the money runs out, we do some serious sh1t to keep our addiction going. I, like you, will start up the cycle the same way. When I have a good amount of clean time it isn't worth it to me to start hustling or think of creative ways to get money to get high. I just brush it off because its simply not worth the time or effort. Then when I have that dispoasble extra cash that nobody will know is missing I think "Oh I can push off a few times and be straight then go back to normal life" Just a shame that it never works out like this, as you know.

Focus on whats going on right now in your life, your brother is coming over for dinner. Enjoy it and if the craving is still real strong when he leaves maybe tell him about what your going through. If that isn't a good idea because he wouldnt be able to relate then like gravity said, go out and pamper yourself a bit. Buy yourself a nice dress, some makeup, a few dvds..whatever your into it doesnt matter. That will take the craving down a notch and you will probably enjoy whatever you bought long enough for it to subside completely.

PM me anytime Trish ~~ Scott

yeahgr8

Ozsandy that sounds like a perfect solution and one i have heard before in GA! Don't carry more money than you need and if you have real troubles get a family member to look after it with strict instructions not to give you any, this does involve someone else though, better would be a savings account that does not allow any withdrawls, no card, without a certain period of notice. All banks have this sort of savings account and even with bad credit, as there is no way to get overdrawn, anyone can open one with the most basic of ID. Think about it Monday you choose to drink/use, you gotta wait until next monday to get the money, gives you a load of thinking time and posting time between:-)

Maybe i'll start following my own advice;-)

vegibean

Trish................ Girl, hang on!! Hope you're doing ok. I'm with matt too, doesn't it make you angry? Do you feel like beating something up? I know everyone here wants to see you stop going through this. :ghug3

Aysha

That hit it right on the head.
I need to DO something. I know this. I been known this.
I havent called those numbers yet.
I guess I am filling my plate a little too much here lately too.
I am offering to buy my cousins condert tickets when I cant really afford it. And my cousins friend and she can pay me back sometime between now and then. And I cant really spare it even for a week.
I have made the appt for admissions for school. I am going back to the pdoc for the lap band procedure. I am trying to ride my bike everyday. Work full time that I am totally exhausted when I get home. And on the look out for a second PT one cause I juts am not makin it on what I make. I am just trying to do too much at once.
And school has me petrified. But I am going to do it anyway. If I flunk..Then I flunk.
Enough of my petty whining.
I do need to make a huge change at my approach to recovery tho.
It all in my committment tho. I cant stay committed to anything except that dam rock.
I am trying to take things as they come.
I see how people that dont know about my addict side and what they say to me and how they think of me. And I really am like that. But that dark addiciton just messes that all up.
I make people laugh. I am goofy. Always singing and dont care who hears. Dancin around. Seem to have alot of energy. I am a dedicated worker. I am always helping. These are comments I have heard from my coworkers over the past month.

I know who I am. I know the real me. And that is me. But its like a jekyl and hyde thing, as is with everyone.
I want to be that person all the time. Not most of the time. Or some of the time.
I hate feeling guilty and ashamed.
Not good enough or worhty enough. Only because of the shame.

Yea..I def need a big change. Maybe its time to go against what I agree with and like and just do what works.
Whatever that is.

Dee74

(((Trish)))

now ya talkin

D

vegibean

You know Trish, I had one counselor at GH who I respected, still respect a lot of what she had to say. I still hear her in my head "trust the process", "challenge yourself" and "do something different." Those are exactly it, just those words and in my most trying times, there she is in my head, dead on serious as she was when I was there.

She was mean!!!!! But she was also right. Hope you're doing ok kiddo.

CrackQuack

Trish, I fully get it. Being one who shares the same DOC. For a long time, I've been unable to allow myself to take the steps, I need to take, in order to gain more money than the 65 bucks, a week, I got. Because of the fact I knew it was a trigger and I'd be itching, plotting, planning, and eventually OUT buying crack and going somewhere to hide and smoke it.
It's 6 months, TODAY, for me. The feeling has severely died down. I made 400 bucks two weeks ago. Made 300 last week. Will make probably about 150 this week. Not much, but it's how the job is going right now... Anyway, I am out looking for a second job so I can make about 300 a week, or so... I want to work about 30 hours a week. I finally feel ready to be responsible and handle my money wisely, paying bills, and putting a little back. I know it's been six months, but I have 20 bucks in savings!! Wow.. I haven't had a savings account in over 2 years.. It's kinda cool! You'll love it when you get to that point..
Until that time I HIGHLY recommend that ANY money coming across your hands go STRAIGHT to someone else, that you trust. My best friend would hold my cash and my debit card whenever I asked. Getting to the point of asking was kinda hard, because I am such a "I can do it myself" kind of person, but with crack (or any addiction), we know we cannot do it ourselves. So ask someone you trust. Let them hold your money and demand receipts from you when you ask to spend it. I spent 4 months asking for my money and making sure I always showed receipts for the spending so everyone knew I wasn't spending it on crack.
Even now, though I keep my money in the bank, I did NOT put a PIN number on my debit card. Once the bank is closed, I cannot get cash. And ya know dealers don't take cards (and 1 in a million take a check around here). And I picked a bank with only 2 branches, in my area. Both miles away..
It works and it's now become too much work to try to cop some crack than to stay clean. I've got too much time clean and I really do not want to ruin that. That may change at any time, but I wrote down what to do in case I get the cravings. Got it posted on my mirror... Along with photos of both of my kids, to remind me of just two reasons to stay clean.
Hang in there. I sure know how you are feeling! *HUGS*

mxchaos

you can do this
part of this isn't about money but about the chase
sitting on that feeling won't kill ya
you have to choose to do something different
hard thing in the world but doable
hang in there

Tazman53

Trish my comfort zone for many years was drinking, when ever I became uncomfortable I drank. The years before I became totally alcohol dependant I was able to stop drinking for a while and I became very uncomfortable and that would led to me feeling like I was going crazy so I always wound up stepping back into my comfort zone...... the bottle.

Well when I got out of detox uncomfortable was not the word for how I felt, do not get me wrong there was a part of me that loved that feeling of actually being sober, but even that was not comfortable because it was an all new feeling that I was not familiar with, I WANTED A 12 PACK!!!!

Well instead of going back into my old comfort zone and getting drunk, I stayed out of that comfort zone and stepped out of my comfort zone....... I went to an AA meeting!!! I kept going to AA meetings until I started to feel comfortable going to meetings. The my old comfort zone started to surface again, but instead of going back to the old comfort zone I stepped WAY out of my old comfort zone of alcohol and began to take the steps with my sponsor!

Each step at first was truly out of my comfort zone but as I made myself be honest, open minded and willing to do what ever it took I continued to take more steps and things really began to get better and better.

Eventually the old comfort zone for me... alcohol...... was no longer a comfort zone for me, it held no appeal or comfort for me, I reached the point where I no longer viewed even a single drink as something that was appealing.

I have a new comfort zone today, a healthy and sane comfort zone, but in order to get to that new comfort zone I had to do a lot of things that were way outside of my old comfort zone alcohol, I had to step so far out of that old comfort zone that I could not keep a foot in it, once I had done all those things I did not want to do I arrived at a new comfort zone.... sobriety and life!!!!

Trish how far out of your comfort zone have you gone to stay clean and sober? Have you gone far enough out of it to where it no longer beckons to you?

Toomutch

Put it in savings and keep putting each little bit in savings until you have enough to go to West Palm Beach... I know you would enjoy that even if it takes awhile to save. I hope you hold on to the money Trish and don't relapse!

NewCreature

I know what you mean! Have you ever thought of the money you have blown and then thought about the stuff you could buy with it? Mind boggling!

I read some comments about putting it in the bank! Good idea..