jade09

Just had a thought...that truly made me think....

Now sober for awhile.....and really having my heart and soul behind quitting for good this time...I am realizing how much of reality I was blocking out with my drinking....???
I thought I drank cause I liked it...enjoyed it???...I always knew I had a drinking problem, but never felt I was unhappy / depressed or "drinking to forget" ....I
I never felt i was drinking my problems away, or drinking cause I was stressed....I just thought I was a serious lush, could never turn down a drink, and wanted to drink and have a good time as much as possible.
I've been trying to quit for years, I know I am an alcohlic, but until about 5 minutes ago--I never realized how much I numbed myself, my feelings and thoughts...I've missed out on years of my life, without the real me there...just going thru the motions...getting by....and ignoring life...good and bad.....SO tired of how disappointing I am...mostly to me...but everyone I care for....it's hard to feel positive and move foward...I feel like I need to numb these feelings....it's all I know???

least

I always drank to bury my feelings. Always. I started out drinking one glass of wine in the afternoon "to relax" before the kids got home from school. Amazing how quickly I became addicted...

I struggle too with being able to fully experience my feelings. I don't like it, not really, cause my feelings scare me. But learning to live sober means we have to learn to deal with our feelings. Always being numb isn't living, it's just existing.

Try to resist the urge to get 'numb'. Sober is the only way to live!

suki44883

Feelings aren't anything to be afraid of. You just need to learn how to deal with them. Make sure you aren't taking on anything that isn't yours to deal with. When you really stop and examine things, you may find that you are trying to deal with issues that aren't really yours. Then just try to relax and take one thing at a time. Don't overwhelm yourself. It's kind of like when you were quitting the drink. One day at a time, one feeling at a time. You can do it.

Faerie

Suki has it Jade,

We all use our DOC because we have underlying issues that are too painful to deal with.

I use codeine to numb my emotional pain from being raped.

I only started talking about the first rape [when I was 15] 7 weeks ago. I had repressed it for 12 yrs. The repression led to a drinking problems in my teens [now gone] a pot addiction [which I have kicked in the arse] and now my codeine addiction which I am still battling.

Dealing with the REASON you drink will help you get sober. I know it will be painful. I'm in that place now. But the more I talk through my problems with my therapist, family, friends and my beautiful SR friends the better I feel and the stronger my resolve to quit becomes.

You can do this.

Much love,

Dee74

I drank for 20 years, and for most of that time my drinking was self medication for one reason or another.

Dealing with feelings after that long is scary, it's frightening and it's bewildering.

But I learned they're just feelings - you don't have to make them go away - you deal with what you can, and you ride the rest out, and you're that much stronger for the next time

All of us are stronger than we know I think.

You're not alone. We're all here
Just take a day at a time, a feeling at a time, as Suki says

D

Jade19

Jade,

I understand exactly how you feel. I had that realization the other day outside of a subway when I just started bawling my eyes out. I felt like I didn't know who I was....it was such an odd feeling, one that I would have drank to get rid of...but I was finally faced with that person in the mirror and all that comes with her and I just started to SPIN!!!

Hang in there sweet girl...I think all of us know exactly where your coming from in one way or another. But your dealing with these feeling and emotions now and how freaking awesome is that...no numbing, no regrets, no guilt...just head on!!! And if you feel lost or want to cry then feel it. I think with the booze I stopped myself from feeling anything and now that I have a bit of sobriety it's a bit overwhelming....

Thinking of you...

~The other Jade =)

tyler

I can very much identify with what you are saying. Pot was my DOC, and I smoked it 24/7 for over 20 years. It's how I dealt with everything. It was nice, (I thought at the time) it put me kinda a half step out of reality, a comfortable place for me. I have about 2 1/2 months clean and am only now learning how to deal with feelings and emotions.

Through the course of my addiction I met my future wife, graduated college, worked in my chosen field, got married, changed careers, had a child, seperated from my wife, attempted suicide, got divorced, moved back in with my parents half way across the country...all of it numbed. Now I have to learn to deal with all of this baggage, clean, as well as the usual BS we all have to deal with on a daily basis. I also have been dealing with some repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse that only surface a couple of years ago.

I am working with a good theripist who is helping me through it, but I'd be lying if I said it was easy. There are many situations, especially dealing with my ex-wife (who BTW stood by my side throughout all of this. I was the one who insisted on the divorce, if for no other reason than to protect her from me.) and son where I act inapproiately, because I just don't know the proper way to deal with my emotions. I am learning. I do a lot of saying "I'm sorry". Fortunately she is a very loving, forgiving person, and works in the substance abuse field, so she has some perspective on the situation. But it's hard for her as well.

I guess what I'm saying is, what you are going through is normal. It's what "normal" people do on a daily basis, we are just having to play "catch up" for all of the years of numbed emotions, so it seems harder for us. Hang in there. Don't drink. Working the steps of AA is helpful for many in dealing with this. For others, like myself, individual therapy is part of the solution. Posting here on SR has also been a big help to me. Hope you're doing well. Take care.

Wolfchild

Working thru the Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions have helped
me to recover and have brought about a spritual awenkening.
Going to meetings regularly gives me opportunities to be helped
& to help others who are still sick and suffering from this disease.

If you have all these feelings, be glad. Your alive & sober today!

jade09

thanks......
i guess i have known about self numbing...just never realized how much i was actually doing/relying/living it