Mark75

Abstinence from alcohol. I know this is the central question of all of us who are recovering or have recovered from alcoholism. Why is it such a big deal? I know many people who may have a beer on Friday night, or, toast the New Year with a sip or two of champagne...

Now with 10 months of sobriety, no significant mental health issues that I know of, my job and family still intact... 10 months of living sober, not drinking to relieve stress or escape.... Having some real progress in the program of AA (Maybe not enough, hmmmm)...

Now why can't I just be like all those non drinkers or the once a month types.... If you told them, no alcohol, they'd probably just shrug their shoulders, say OK and move on. I now drink less than they do, I haven't had a drink for over 10 months... Why can't I just shrug my shoulders and say no big deal....

"Character Defects"? Self Centered? "Hole in the Soul" Or, just a bad habit that's really hard to break.

I know, it is a question we ask here a lot. I woke up after another completely sober and pleasant weekend, no hangover... but the question remains.... So in many ways this is a rhetorical question.

Mark

Tazman53

Mark alcoholism is a disease, some people can have a drink every once in a while or could care less if they ever had one again, it truly is not a big deal for a non-alcoholic, but if one has the disease of alcoholism it is a big deal.

If you want to read some scientific research results that state flat out that alcoholism is a disease and those that suffer from it have it for a life time and are never cured then I would highly reccommend reading either "Beyond the Influence" or "Under the Influence". Both are books written that compile all of the scientific and medical research studies over the years proving that alcoholism is a disease.

If you are an alcoholic then it really is a big deal if you drink, if you are not an alcoholic then it is no big deal.

Taking5

I have had situations with months of sobriety, feeling good about myself again, and thought a few drinks would be nice. So I went out and had a few. Within a month I was back to a bottle a day of whiskey, hung over as hell, missing work appointments, etc. Once again, my life had become unmanageable.

What I had forgotten is that step 1 has 2 parts. After several months of sobriety, I had regained manageability of my life, but I had forgotten that I am still powerless over alcohol.

Like many, I tried this multiple times and failed.

That is why it is important to me to never take another drink.

least

It's a big deal to me cause of losing my sobriety recently. Why did I do something so destructive to myself (again) that I swore I'd never do? It's a big deal to me cause I'm now sober again and back on the wagon, hopefully for good. It's a big deal to me cause it struck me so quickly. Within six months of just having one drink in the afternoon I was drinking all day every day and couldn't just 'stop'. I damaged myself and my family and don't know why. So figuring it out is a big deal for me and stopping permanently is a huge deal for me.

Dee74

I don't know about you? But this was never me.
I spent 20 years trying to fool myself it was.

In reality I was the guy passed out, vomiting, wetting myself or otherwise making an idiot of myself.

For me, and people like me, alcohol consumes me - not the other way around.

I'm much more at peace with myself having accepted that
It took me a lot to get here, but I glad I did.


D

Mark75

OK...

My wife is not an alcoholic, no way... She has a tall white wine spritzer every night. It is the last thing she does for the day... It chills her out. Now that I am sober, it is really rather remarkable for me to see how relaxed she gets.. I was usually mostly blitzed by then and never really noticed it before sobriety.

She doesn't have a drink with dinner, ever, never, ever... no matter the occasion... She wouldn't dream of driving even after just one.

But it would be a big deal for her to forgo that drink. I know she looks forward to it. I absolutely wouldn't dream of being so self centered and selfish to expect her not to enjoy that drink. I like how she gets relaxed. Problem is, my spiritual condition (mood, for those non AA types...) is not always such that it is easy to be around, though it has become much less often that way... It was bad Saturday night... Nice cool summer evening, porch...

So for some non-alcoholic drinkers then it would be a big deal, right?

I know that I am overcomplicating this... I just introduced the 1-2 drink a day individual who looks forward to that drink...

Is it a continuum or spectrum of drinkers?

These are in many ways rhetorical questions. I am just now finding words for some of these questions that perplex me and for which there may be no answer.

Mark

tommyk

A book I am reading states that our cells undergo a permanent change due to alcohol consumption.

Once the cells change there's no changing them back, the cells are affected by alcohol forever.

So it isn't just 'in our heads'... it appears to have a biological basis.

catch-22

I have no answer... I suppose some might say she is addicted to it (every day occurrence)... but we'll never know because she will never be asked to give it up... also, as long as the alcohol consumption is very limited and she is not harming her health, I don't see a problem with it... it's like having a chocolate bar in the evening, isn't it? It's a little pleasure at the end of the day and if she can control it, why not? I couldn't and that's why I don't do it...

least

I don't think her one wine spritzer is an addiction, more like a ritual.


Altho I must ask Cubile: what is the "big deal" that you question? Is it the value you place on your sobriety or your wife's nighttime ritual? What exactly is it that you wonder about it being a "big deal"? Your sobriety or her ritual?

Now I'm confused...

bugsworth

For me personally not drinking is no longer a big deal at all. The shift came when I realized that not drinking was not a deprivation but rather a gift. The last 5 or so years of my drinking were hellish and as long as I remember the agony that one drink leads to not drinking is a non-issue.

Mark75

The big deal is why the heck can't I just walk away from the drink without having to recover from it... think about it... go to meetings... SR... Just put the cup down and shrug my shoulders and be done?

I brought up my wife for two reasons, I guess... thanx for challenging me, I need it today... a.) she is an example of someone who has a nightly drink but is not alcoholic b.) someone who would find it a big deal (maybe not as much...) to stop.

Good point Bugsworth... not a deprivation, but a gift... that may still be at the root... I don't want my bottom to be any lower than it is though....

Mark

keithj

It's such a big deal for me because I believe that abstinence is the only way I can manage my drinking. I believe that from the AA definition of alcoholism, the medical experience of alcoholism, and, most importantly, my very own experience. There is no going back for the alcoholic. Exceptions to this rule are extremely rare.

Look at the experience of other alcoholics. How many people have you met that drank like you (alcoholic) and returned to normal drinking? How many others have tried and been worse off than ever within a short time?

"For most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colorful imagination. It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good. But not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking. The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt — and one more failure." AA Big Book, Ch.11, 1st Ed.

But here is the real kicker for me. Normal drinkers can find that release form care, boredom, and worry with a drink or two. Normal drinkers can mellow out and take the edge off the day.

I can not. Those things are out of my reach as an alcoholic. If I believe I can get there, I am in delusion. Those things are ghosts that once existed for me, but no longer do and will never exist again.

Reality is the four horseman described in the next paragraph. Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, and Despair. That is the reality of drinking for me.

It's the great obsession of the abnormal drinker, Mark. That I'll be able to once again feel that ease from drinking. That I'll be able to enjoy the drinks I see others take with impunity. Delusion versus truth. My experience tells me all I need to know about chasing those ghosts.

jamdls

In the first 12-18 months of my sobriety I was uncomfortable being around people that had even 1 drink because my not drinking was a BIG deal to me. 5 months into sobriety I was in Florida with my family as my mother was dying, I went to dinner 1 night with my brother and 2 sisters, 1 sister had to have a glass of wine and made a big deal out of ordering just the right bottle, the other 2 declined so she only had a glass instead of a bottle. I was furious with her and found it extremely inconsiderate that she couldn't pass on her drink knowing what I was going through; I never told her how I felt and I didn't have to see her for over a year after that. So for me, I would be uncomfortable living with someone that had to have a drink every night even just 1. Perhaps your wife's nightly drink is making you resentful, not of her but of the ability to have just 1 and you should discuss with her.

Tazman53

I agree with Bugs, sobriety once one gets beyond the mental obsession is a gift, a gift some of us have to work very hard for, but once we get there we see that a drink is no big deal to do without.

It has been quite some time for me since a drink even remotely seemed to be something I desired or viewed as a solution for something. It sure did not happen over night, it took time and it took work on my part. It took me working at changing how I dealt with life, it took me changing, it took me finding a solution for life other then drinking that worked for me.

I got a call at work last Thursday, it was the doctors office letting me know that they had called an ambulance to take my wife to the hospital, they said there was the possibility she was having a heart attack. If I had gotten that call 3 years ago the first thing I would have done before driving to the hospital would have been to go to the store and grab a 12 pack.

Back then the world revolved around me and how I was going to get through something, in my head I would have known no matter what, I would need to drink to get through something that would effect me.

When they called me about my wife I was not concerned about me and how I would get through this, I was concerned about getting to my wifes side to give her my love and support to get her through that! After all I was not the one going to the hospital with a possible heart attack, my wife was and she needed me.

She spent all day Thurday and Friday in the hospital, it was determind it was not a heart attack or anything else life threatening and they released her Friday night. I was there for her the whole time, not drunk or drinking for me, but there for here. Sobriety is such a gift.

Mark75

Well... See that is what happens... I see others enjoying drinks with impunity... daily...

I used to resent her, the first couple of months after rehab... Now, not so much... But I resent it. And so, I still have days where I deal with these questions...

Thanx everyone... TAZ... I'm glad your wife is OK, must have been scary!.

Mark

Mattcake

Good post, Mark

Many people choose not to drink at all. I was surprised to discover just how many teetotallers I know; their reasons to avoid drinking are varied: they dislike the taste and/or effect of alcohol, religious motives.. The ones I like best are those who were fortunate enough to see - from an early age - what alcohol really is: an extremely dangerous, toxic legal drug.

Within drinkers, I definitely think there is a continuum. Allen Carr compares drinking to a pitcher plant. Like flies, some drinkers flirt with the rim of the plant, drinking just a bit of nectar to avoid getting trapped. Others have slid further down: they indulge, despite the obvious danger. And some get trapped.

The continuum of drinking only points one way: it slopes downwards. Social drinking (whatever that means) may be acceptable at this point in time, but drinking -in any amount- is unsafe: you risk addiction.

I'm with Bugsworth and Carr: the best way to deal with this is by realising that sobriety means freedom, not deprivation. I was miserable and struggled *a lot* with having a problem, until I started focusing on what I wanted in life, instead of on what I didn't want

shaun00

why is it such a big deal....or is it "why me" mark..
its alright to think why me sometimes......i have and did.......

i stopped asking questions about alcoholism a long time back because i end up more confused than ever..

i too use my wife for comparison.....she is a moderate...very moderate drinker....
i think its good to do that........it highlights my alcoholism with blinding clarity.


one of my big questions was do i feel like i feel because Ive drank the north sea for years ...or do i feel like i do because i was i was born like this.

you see for me its not just why i drink....its why i felt like i did when i stopped...the gnawing discontentment..and some

and thats why i believe it such a big deal............sobriety.

because i got sober many times...with medical assistance.......but i couldn't do the life afterwards....something was very wrong in my head.

my mother paid for a private doctor....a psychiatric assessment.
all were unable to help me refrain from drinking....or changing my mental torment after.

I'm not unique.........people post here often with the same symptoms as me..WITHOUT A DRINK.....Have a look theres plenty.

Alcoholism for me is some about drinking and alot about....... what happens when i dont.....

i reached a point where it was my last resort...12 steps....or 6ft under.

thats pretty stark i know but i couldn't do it any longer.......

thats amazing in my book........im a chronic alcoholic bum.......and i didn't think of a drink today.......or yesterday
or when my dog died.......etc etc.

i used to look at the doctors opinion and think jeeeez whats a physic change.

now i see it..........and why it was necessary..

Angel1

My husband can have one or two beers in an evening & be totally content with that. If I had 1 or 2... I would be thinking about the 3rd...4th...& so on, not to mention when the next time I could sit down to have some drinks. I seem to have an addictive personality & become over-zealous in just about everything I do... this can be good when there's work or projects to be done, but this can also be my downfall when it comes to alcohol. I accept the fact that we're all different when it comes to how we can handle alcohol... I wish that I was the type that could be satisfied with a glass of wine now & then, but I have come to see the truth that this is NOT in my nature, so I have decided that the best thing is to not even consider drinking anymore... that way I don't even have to think about it, and it makes it a whole lot easier to deal with it.
Know thyself...then you will know what you need to do.

Mark75

Thanx trucker... I've made progress with the self pity thing... to be honest, I had enormous self pity... shame, etc....

But it keeps sneaking up and ambushing me... And yes, more work on the steps, I am at 6, though I might cycle through 4 and 5 again soon. Some more 1st step work today, I guess that's why I posted.

Wow, SR is an incredible place.

BTW trucker, nice picture of your friend, rest in peace.

Mark

smacked

I *could* have one or 2 drinks.. but I don't want to. I drink to get drunk, and that will only tease me. I do much better just living my life without, and never having to think about it.

I see very few people enoying drinks, but probably because I'm really never around drinkers, and I don't pay attention close enough to other peoples' drinking habits if I'm at a restaurant to know how many they ordered (or how many they go home and drink all night for that matter).

I dont care about drinking, other peoples' drinking or any of it.. but it took a while to get here.