Raped? Wings torn again.

Old 07-21-2009, 07:50 PM
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Raped? Wings torn again.

I wasn't sure were to post this so I've posted it here since I've only been with SR for about a week. I suffer from severe depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder, I am also addicted to codeine.

Until Monday night I thought I had the most trustworthy and loving fiance a girl could have but now he has completely shattered that and I don't know what to do.

To give you some background, I have been raped twice before, the first time was when I was fifteen and it was by a virtual stranger I had met and kissed at a party who followed me on my way home and attacked me. At the time I was so convinced it was my fault that I didn't tell my parents or police, the only person I told was my best friend. I repressed it for over 12 years [I am 27 now] and have only told my parents, fiance and therapist about it 2 months ago. Since I have started talking about the attacks I have been unable to have sex with my fiance and my therapist has diagnosed me with post traumatic stress.

The second time it happened I was 23 and my now ex boyfriend whom I was living with at the time forced himself on me towards the end of our relationship when I was sleeping in the spare room. He told me that I 'belonged' to him and that it was his 'right' to have me and that no-one would believe me if I reported it. So I didn't.

Since I was fifteen I have struggled with addiction, from 15 to 23 I was addicted to pot, smoking almost every day however I am proud to say I have kicked that addiction. [There is hope for all you pot smokers out there, I did it so can you PM me to find out how] But since I was 19 I have been addicted to codeine and still am although I am trying to wean myself off.

Anyway back to Monday night. My fiance has been complaining about the lack of sex even though he promised he would be patient and understanding whilst I am treated for the PTS. On Monday night I woke up to find him having sex with me. I told him 'no and to stop' he did and I went back to sleep. However I was woken up again later that night by him doing it again after I had already said no previously. I googled the definition of rape this morning and it clearly states that it is any sexual contact or penetration without permission so I feel my fiance raped me the second time on Monday night.

When I confronted him on Tuesday morning his excuse was that he did it because he was so horny and frustrated from not having regular sex and tried to blame me for this. I do not feel this is fair at all.

I told him he had raped me and he started crying saying if he lost me he would have nothing left to live for.

I feel so lost, I really don't need this now, it's only 11:30 am and I have already had 18 codeine pills when I have cut down to between 12 to 6 a day. I hope I can get through the day without taking more.

I really love my fiance, everything else about our relationship is wonderful but what happened on Monday feels like a deal-breaker. I don't want to break up with him but I don't know if I can forgive him or ever trust him again.

I haven't spoken to him since yesterday and told him I need time and space to make a decision about our relationship. He knows I have been raped before so I can't understand why he would do it to me himself, I know he didn't realise it was rape but I didn't give my consent so it was.

I really need some advice, from both men and women on this situation.

My wings have been torn again.

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Old 07-21-2009, 08:08 PM
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Hi Faerie

I'm so sorry.

My immediate advice is to check out this link - its a local link
Yarrow Place | Have you been raped?

and, if you want to, there's a 24 hour help line available for you in SA on 8226 8787 or 1800 817 421.

please be safe and take care of yourself
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Old 07-21-2009, 08:10 PM
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Wow, I really dont know what to say. I dont think I would be able to trust anyone who raped me. Its almost worse because he knows your history and still decided to do it, even after you told him to stop the first time. It doesnt sound like he is respecting your boundaries. I am married and would have a very big problem waking up to my husband having sex with me. Then again, I dont sleep that deeply and would likely wake up before it got too far... are you a deep sleeper?

Are you considering getting off the pills and trying the sober route? Does your Fiance take drugs or alcohol?

It sounds like you are in therapy, what does your therapist say about all if this?
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Old 07-21-2009, 08:33 PM
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No means no period.

My current girlfriend (Im a lesbian) suffers from PTSD from sexual abuse.
What he did was in no way ok.

If he was frustrated there are many books on the subject regarding what it is like to be the partner of someone who was sexually abused.

No, he was not respecting you.

Last edited by otterbearcat; 07-21-2009 at 08:58 PM.
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Old 07-21-2009, 08:51 PM
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I really have no advice to give, but my heart goes out to you. I tend to agree that no does, absolutely, mean no . My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
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Old 07-21-2009, 08:55 PM
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definitely not okay!

this happened to me with an ex-BF. that and other horrible things. i suffered (and still do) from PTSD from the time I spent with him. i think back on that relationship and know that if i had not been drinking i never would have let him step through the door into my life. he also convinced me that it was "my fault" somehow. the most i ever drank in my life was when i was with this guy AND after I threw him out.

run, don't walk, away from this man. then work on yourself and your addiction.
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Old 07-21-2009, 09:48 PM
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Thanks guys, I am seeing my doctor in about an hour and a half, I'm gonna tell him what happened and talk to him about the codeine. I don't think I'll use again today. If I feel the urge I'll go into the chat room. You are all right, no means no. If it had just been the first time I could have let it slide as a misunderstanding [but still had a major go at him for not respecting me] but the fact he did it again after I said no does make it rape.

I love him very much but he didn't show me much love with what he did.

Rider, I'm sorry to hear you have had a similar experience, we both know how horrible it is to be betrayed that way by somebody you trust.

I just don't know if I am strong enough to let him go.
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Old 07-21-2009, 10:13 PM
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I am so sorry that all of that happened to you. I can relate a lot to the beginning parts. I really think the best thing is to talk about this specific incident with your therapist. I think from over the internet it is hard to counsel on this issue. That being said you might want to post it at

I have found that this website (SR) isn't very open about sexual abuse issues in general while Pandy's is much more centered on sexual abuse issues and the people will be sensitive to your triggers and needs at this time. A really good book about this is (it is highly triggering though)

Recovering from Sexual Abuse, Addictions, and Compulsive Behaviors: "Numb" Survivors by Sandra Knauer

I personally found stopping using at the same time as the flood of emotion of finally dealing with sexual abuse issues was really difficult. The interesting thing that did happen for me though was that after I spent a month or so really "feeling" the abuse that I had tucked away I came out of that with a firm resolve to quit, and it was actually firm for the first time. What triggered those large amounts of feeling was actually reading that book. So anyways all this stuff is so complicated and your current situation further complicates it. I think it is really wonderful that you are seeing a therapist. I think that you just need to bear in mind that you don't need to be too hard on yourself, be as gentle as you can, and if you keep using, practice to the extent that you can harm reduction.

Also did you realize that the age you were raped and the age you started using were the same? I only mention it because although I always had those 2 facts in my head, but I never linked the two until I got sober and then I was like, wait, duh, I think this is connected.
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Old 07-21-2009, 11:14 PM
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None of this was your fault.No means no.That's it.Men can be charged with rape within marriage.Again-no means no and you said no.I understand you love him but I'm sorry-it doesn't sound like he loves you.People who love you don't rape you.It's that simple.I apologise for being so blunt but I've seen this time and again when women excuse their partners for doing horrendous things out of need.This is not excusable.It just isn't.

I'm glad you're seeing your doctor.I am so very sorry this happened to you.It was wrong.I hope you check out the helpline Dee posted.You're not alone.Many of us have been through this.
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Old 07-22-2009, 12:50 AM
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He does not respect you.

He has treated you as his property and your vagina as something he is entitled to.

In my opinion, this is unforgiveable and given his nonchalant attitude towards what he has done, he will never realize what he has done is wrong.

Take care of yourself!
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Old 07-22-2009, 01:21 AM
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Yeah, I feel like I've been used like a blow up doll.
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Old 07-22-2009, 03:20 AM
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None of this was your fault. Im very sorry for what you have gone through. Your fiance in no way respects you and you need him out of your life and charged by the full force of law.

Good luck on cutting out the pills.
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Old 07-22-2009, 03:30 AM
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To quote a line from an old movie which is very true:

Love means never having to say you are sorry!
One thing already said to you more then bears repeating:

None of this was your fault.
One more thing I would like to point out alcoholism and drug addiction go hand in hand with rape on both sides of the crime! Either the victim, the rapist, or both are addicts or alcoholics in most cases of rape.

I am glad you are seeing your doctor, you need to tell the doctor the whole truth, then most importantly you need to follow your doctors advice.

Keep in mind that real love is a 2 way street, rape is not love no matter what!
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Old 07-22-2009, 03:42 AM
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Faerie, there are so many thoughts I have on your position. I have to say that I really wish you could get some help for yourself. You have been through a lot and I'm concerned about your well being.

Since I don't really know anything about you I don't want to just start throwing stuff out there all willy nilly.

I do hope that you'll fight for yourself. I have been through the ringer with men. I have a horrible "picker" and I've landed myself some of the worse and abusive relationships. I went through ten months of treatment in a rehab for women and learned a lot of stuff that I had put on myself for so long needed to stop and I also learned that I had the power to do that for myself. I do not want to be a victim today and I will not be in a relationship for I don't know how long but I do know that men have been a source of a lot of pain.............going all the way back into EARLY childhood, use your imagination. My thinking has been really warped.

I deserve so much better than what I've had and you do too.

I'm glad that you're here on the boards and I strongly encourage you to seek help locally where you are at. Again, I don't know what to suggest to you but I know if that were me I would be willing to do whatever it takes to get my life back. I can only imagine how much pain you've been in for such a long time.

My thoughts and heart go with you. :ghug3
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Old 07-22-2009, 04:24 AM
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I am so, so sad that this happened to you.

As others have said, none of this is your fault, not at all.

It's great that you went to see the dr.

And, do pursue the hotline because you should be able to get some counselling as to how to move forward with your life.

Let us know how you are doing.
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Old 07-22-2009, 05:41 AM
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Faerie...I am so sorry you had to experience what you did and I am glad you are following up with care for yourself. Please spend as much time as you need to heal your body and your soul and reclaim your self-worth to its highest level before you even consider making a marriage commitment with this man. Jomey
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Old 07-22-2009, 06:05 AM
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"I am also addicted to codeine..."

Perhaps start by addessing this problem...?

I'd like to suggest that you make some friends in NA.
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Old 07-22-2009, 07:32 PM
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Hi Guys, Faerie checking in.

Still feeling really hurt and confused, this would be such an easy decision if I didn't love him so much and if the rest of our relationship wasn't so great. But what he has done cannot be excused so I agree with you all on that one.

Was very naughty yesterday and caved into the codeine cravings, I have been doing so well weaning myself off up until now. I'm ashamed to say I took 30 yesterday over the course of the day and had some wine on top of that. I'm a moderate drinker but know I have to be really careful that I don't start relying on alcohol and end up with a problem with that too.

He called me this morning to say sorry again. He actually said he realised he raped me and how wrong that was and that he had really f'ed up. He doesn't want to lose me over this. He also tried the 'I'll have nothing to live for if you leave me' line which I think is really manipulative. I told him I didn't want to hear him say that again as it was unfair pressure to put on me when all of this is his fault.

I realise none of what has happened to me in the past is my fault, nobody asks to be raped. The fact that he did it after knowing about my past attacks seems unforgivable.

As you know I saw my doctor yesterday and told him about everything, including the codeine abuse. To start with the codeine he said he already suspected I was abusing it again so he wasn't surprised. I suggested I go back on subs but when I reminded him they didn't work for me last time he suggested methadone. I've read some really bad stuff about coming off of methadone both on SR and online so I told him I wasn't prepared to take that route but would still be interested to hear if any of you have tried it.

He has agreed to help me wean myself off of the codeine at my own pace and will regularly give me blood tests to check my liver. I'm going to see him every month and he said he'll fit me in if I need to see him more often. Fortunately he specializes in drug use and is an expert.

As for his advice on the rape, he contridicted himself a few times and has made me even more confused. He made it clear he didn't want to give an 'opinion' and wanted to remain objective. First he said he was surprised as he knows my fiance and knows how much he loves me and how gentle he usually is. He confirmed that what happened can definately be classified as rape. He said that because of my low self esteem I have a pattern of getting into unhealthy relationships, he also said this is very common with people with BPD like me. He said that if my fiance was capable of doing it once he is capable of doing it again. I know this is something many of you have mentioned. Then [the confusing part] he went on to say that I wasn't physically harmed and that my fiance made a very big mistake and if I was able to find it within myself to forgive him there was no reason we couldn't start at the beginning again, build back the trust and stay together.

My fiance and I have known each other for 10 years, we first went out in high school, broke up [neither of us can remember why] then were together again casually when we were 20/21 then 3 yrs ago started this relationship and got engaged in December last year [I asked him] I don't know if I can let go of 10 years of history over one mistake as huge as it was.

However, he violated me, showed me no respect, knew my past history and I could be at risk of him doing it again even though he has promised not to.

I see my therapist on Tuesday so am going to talk it through with him and hopefully gain some clarity on the situation.

In the meantime, your support and opinions are really important to me as your advice will influence my final decision as I trust your judgment and know you care,

With love and hope,
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Old 07-22-2009, 07:37 PM
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seek professional help right away....
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Old 07-22-2009, 07:51 PM
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Hi Faerie

I'm glad you're back. This place is great for support

I would still give the hotline a call tho. None of us here is likely to give the level of advice experience or care you'd receive there. For that reason I'm glad you're seeing your therapist too.

And I'm glad you have some plan in place to wean off the codeine.

It's not my area, but I know that you post in other forums here as well so between us all I hope you get the best of other peoples E S and H with that.

Keep posting with us
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