Raped? Wings torn again.
 

I wasn't sure were to post this so I've posted it here since I've only been with SR for about a week. I suffer from severe depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder, I am also addicted to codeine.

Until Monday night I thought I had the most trustworthy and loving fiance a girl could have but now he has completely shattered that and I don't know what to do.

To give you some background, I have been raped twice before, the first time was when I was fifteen and it was by a virtual stranger I had met and kissed at a party who followed me on my way home and attacked me. At the time I was so convinced it was my fault that I didn't tell my parents or police, the only person I told was my best friend. I repressed it for over 12 years [I am 27 now] and have only told my parents, fiance and therapist about it 2 months ago. Since I have started talking about the attacks I have been unable to have sex with my fiance and my therapist has diagnosed me with post traumatic stress.

The second time it happened I was 23 and my now ex boyfriend whom I was living with at the time forced himself on me towards the end of our relationship when I was sleeping in the spare room. He told me that I 'belonged' to him and that it was his 'right' to have me and that no-one would believe me if I reported it. So I didn't.

Since I was fifteen I have struggled with addiction, from 15 to 23 I was addicted to pot, smoking almost every day however I am proud to say I have kicked that addiction. [There is hope for all you pot smokers out there, I did it so can you PM me to find out how] But since I was 19 I have been addicted to codeine and still am although I am trying to wean myself off.

Anyway back to Monday night. My fiance has been complaining about the lack of sex even though he promised he would be patient and understanding whilst I am treated for the PTS. On Monday night I woke up to find him having sex with me. I told him 'no and to stop' he did and I went back to sleep. However I was woken up again later that night by him doing it again after I had already said no previously. I googled the definition of rape this morning and it clearly states that it is any sexual contact or penetration without permission so I feel my fiance raped me the second time on Monday night.

When I confronted him on Tuesday morning his excuse was that he did it because he was so horny and frustrated from not having regular sex and tried to blame me for this. I do not feel this is fair at all.

I told him he had raped me and he started crying saying if he lost me he would have nothing left to live for.

I feel so lost, I really don't need this now, it's only 11:30 am and I have already had 18 codeine pills when I have cut down to between 12 to 6 a day. I hope I can get through the day without taking more.

I really love my fiance, everything else about our relationship is wonderful but what happened on Monday feels like a deal-breaker. I don't want to break up with him but I don't know if I can forgive him or ever trust him again.

I haven't spoken to him since yesterday and told him I need time and space to make a decision about our relationship. He knows I have been raped before so I can't understand why he would do it to me himself, I know he didn't realise it was rape but I didn't give my consent so it was.

I really need some advice, from both men and women on this situation.

My wings have been torn again.

Faerie

Hi Faerie

I'm so sorry.

My immediate advice is to check out this link - its a local link
Yarrow Place | Have you been raped?

and, if you want to, there's a 24 hour help line available for you in SA on 8226 8787 or 1800 817 421.

please be safe and take care of yourself
D

Wow, I really dont know what to say. I dont think I would be able to trust anyone who raped me. Its almost worse because he knows your history and still decided to do it, even after you told him to stop the first time. It doesnt sound like he is respecting your boundaries. I am married and would have a very big problem waking up to my husband having sex with me. Then again, I dont sleep that deeply and would likely wake up before it got too far... are you a deep sleeper?

Are you considering getting off the pills and trying the sober route? Does your Fiance take drugs or alcohol?

It sounds like you are in therapy, what does your therapist say about all if this?

No means no period.

My current girlfriend (Im a lesbian) suffers from PTSD from sexual abuse.
What he did was in no way ok.


If he was frustrated there are many books on the subject regarding what it is like to be the partner of someone who was sexually abused.

No, he was not respecting you.

I really have no advice to give, but my heart goes out to you. I tend to agree that no does, absolutely, mean no :no:. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

definitely not okay!

this happened to me with an ex-BF. that and other horrible things. i suffered (and still do) from PTSD from the time I spent with him. i think back on that relationship and know that if i had not been drinking i never would have let him step through the door into my life. he also convinced me that it was "my fault" somehow. the most i ever drank in my life was when i was with this guy AND after I threw him out.

run, don't walk, away from this man. then work on yourself and your addiction.

Thanks guys, I am seeing my doctor in about an hour and a half, I'm gonna tell him what happened and talk to him about the codeine. I don't think I'll use again today. If I feel the urge I'll go into the chat room. You are all right, no means no. If it had just been the first time I could have let it slide as a misunderstanding [but still had a major go at him for not respecting me] but the fact he did it again after I said no does make it rape.

I love him very much but he didn't show me much love with what he did.

Rider, I'm sorry to hear you have had a similar experience, we both know how horrible it is to be betrayed that way by somebody you trust.

I just don't know if I am strong enough to let him go.

I am so sorry that all of that happened to you. I can relate a lot to the beginning parts. I really think the best thing is to talk about this specific incident with your therapist. I think from over the internet it is hard to counsel on this issue. That being said you might want to post it at

http://www.pandys.org/

I have found that this website (SR) isn't very open about sexual abuse issues in general while Pandy's is much more centered on sexual abuse issues and the people will be sensitive to your triggers and needs at this time. A really good book about this is (it is highly triggering though)

Recovering from Sexual Abuse, Addictions, and Compulsive Behaviors: "Numb" Survivors by Sandra Knauer
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/078...GT9M7YGPZWH1SP

I personally found stopping using at the same time as the flood of emotion of finally dealing with sexual abuse issues was really difficult. The interesting thing that did happen for me though was that after I spent a month or so really "feeling" the abuse that I had tucked away I came out of that with a firm resolve to quit, and it was actually firm for the first time. What triggered those large amounts of feeling was actually reading that book. So anyways all this stuff is so complicated and your current situation further complicates it. I think it is really wonderful that you are seeing a therapist. I think that you just need to bear in mind that you don't need to be too hard on yourself, be as gentle as you can, and if you keep using, practice to the extent that you can harm reduction.

Also did you realize that the age you were raped and the age you started using were the same? I only mention it because although I always had those 2 facts in my head, but I never linked the two until I got sober and then I was like, wait, duh, I think this is connected.

None of this was your fault.No means no.That's it.Men can be charged with rape within marriage.Again-no means no and you said no.I understand you love him but I'm sorry-it doesn't sound like he loves you.People who love you don't rape you.It's that simple.I apologise for being so blunt but I've seen this time and again when women excuse their partners for doing horrendous things out of need.This is not excusable.It just isn't.

I'm glad you're seeing your doctor.I am so very sorry this happened to you.It was wrong.I hope you check out the helpline Dee posted.You're not alone.Many of us have been through this. :hug:

He does not respect you.

He has treated you as his property and your vagina as something he is entitled to.

In my opinion, this is unforgiveable and given his nonchalant attitude towards what he has done, he will never realize what he has done is wrong.

Take care of yourself!

Yeah, I feel like I've been used like a blow up doll.

None of this was your fault. Im very sorry for what you have gone through. Your fiance in no way respects you and you need him out of your life and charged by the full force of law.

Good luck on cutting out the pills.

To quote a line from an old movie which is very true:

One thing already said to you more then bears repeating:

One more thing I would like to point out alcoholism and drug addiction go hand in hand with rape on both sides of the crime! Either the victim, the rapist, or both are addicts or alcoholics in most cases of rape.

I am glad you are seeing your doctor, you need to tell the doctor the whole truth, then most importantly you need to follow your doctors advice.

Keep in mind that real love is a 2 way street, rape is not love no matter what!

Faerie, there are so many thoughts I have on your position. I have to say that I really wish you could get some help for yourself. You have been through a lot and I'm concerned about your well being.

Since I don't really know anything about you I don't want to just start throwing stuff out there all willy nilly.

I do hope that you'll fight for yourself. I have been through the ringer with men. I have a horrible "picker" and I've landed myself some of the worse and abusive relationships. I went through ten months of treatment in a rehab for women and learned a lot of stuff that I had put on myself for so long needed to stop and I also learned that I had the power to do that for myself. I do not want to be a victim today and I will not be in a relationship for I don't know how long but I do know that men have been a source of a lot of pain.............going all the way back into EARLY childhood, use your imagination. My thinking has been really warped. :(

I deserve so much better than what I've had and you do too.

I'm glad that you're here on the boards and I strongly encourage you to seek help locally where you are at. Again, I don't know what to suggest to you but I know if that were me I would be willing to do whatever it takes to get my life back. I can only imagine how much pain you've been in for such a long time.

My thoughts and heart go with you. :ghug3

Faeirie,

I am so, so sad that this happened to you.

As others have said, none of this is your fault, not at all.

It's great that you went to see the dr.

And, do pursue the hotline because you should be able to get some counselling as to how to move forward with your life.

Let us know how you are doing.

Faerie...I am so sorry you had to experience what you did and I am glad you are following up with care for yourself. Please spend as much time as you need to heal your body and your soul and reclaim your self-worth to its highest level before you even consider making a marriage commitment with this man. Jomey

"I am also addicted to codeine..."

Perhaps start by addessing this problem...?

I'd like to suggest that you make some friends in NA. ;)

Hi Guys, Faerie checking in.

Still feeling really hurt and confused, this would be such an easy decision if I didn't love him so much and if the rest of our relationship wasn't so great. But what he has done cannot be excused so I agree with you all on that one.

Was very naughty yesterday and caved into the codeine cravings, I have been doing so well weaning myself off up until now. I'm ashamed to say I took 30 yesterday over the course of the day and had some wine on top of that. I'm a moderate drinker but know I have to be really careful that I don't start relying on alcohol and end up with a problem with that too.

He called me this morning to say sorry again. He actually said he realised he raped me and how wrong that was and that he had really f'ed up. He doesn't want to lose me over this. He also tried the 'I'll have nothing to live for if you leave me' line which I think is really manipulative. I told him I didn't want to hear him say that again as it was unfair pressure to put on me when all of this is his fault.

I realise none of what has happened to me in the past is my fault, nobody asks to be raped. The fact that he did it after knowing about my past attacks seems unforgivable.

As you know I saw my doctor yesterday and told him about everything, including the codeine abuse. To start with the codeine he said he already suspected I was abusing it again so he wasn't surprised. I suggested I go back on subs but when I reminded him they didn't work for me last time he suggested methadone. I've read some really bad stuff about coming off of methadone both on SR and online so I told him I wasn't prepared to take that route but would still be interested to hear if any of you have tried it.

He has agreed to help me wean myself off of the codeine at my own pace and will regularly give me blood tests to check my liver. I'm going to see him every month and he said he'll fit me in if I need to see him more often. Fortunately he specializes in drug use and is an expert.

As for his advice on the rape, he contridicted himself a few times and has made me even more confused. He made it clear he didn't want to give an 'opinion' and wanted to remain objective. First he said he was surprised as he knows my fiance and knows how much he loves me and how gentle he usually is. He confirmed that what happened can definately be classified as rape. He said that because of my low self esteem I have a pattern of getting into unhealthy relationships, he also said this is very common with people with BPD like me. He said that if my fiance was capable of doing it once he is capable of doing it again. I know this is something many of you have mentioned. Then [the confusing part] he went on to say that I wasn't physically harmed and that my fiance made a very big mistake and if I was able to find it within myself to forgive him there was no reason we couldn't start at the beginning again, build back the trust and stay together.

My fiance and I have known each other for 10 years, we first went out in high school, broke up [neither of us can remember why] then were together again casually when we were 20/21 then 3 yrs ago started this relationship and got engaged in December last year [I asked him] I don't know if I can let go of 10 years of history over one mistake as huge as it was.

However, he violated me, showed me no respect, knew my past history and I could be at risk of him doing it again even though he has promised not to.

I see my therapist on Tuesday so am going to talk it through with him and hopefully gain some clarity on the situation.

In the meantime, your support and opinions are really important to me as your advice will influence my final decision as I trust your judgment and know you care,

With love and hope,

seek professional help right away....

Hi Faerie

I'm glad you're back. This place is great for support :)

I would still give the hotline a call tho. None of us here is likely to give the level of advice experience or care you'd receive there. For that reason I'm glad you're seeing your therapist too.

And I'm glad you have some plan in place to wean off the codeine.

It's not my area, but I know that you post in other forums here as well so between us all I hope you get the best of other peoples E S and H with that.

Keep posting with us :)
D

He's absolutely right that because you were raped in the past, you're going to attract men who feel they can take advantage of you. It's not your fault, this is just how the mind works in relation to abuse and violation of trust. Even if it wasn't in his conscious mind, it's likely your fiance raped you because he knew of your past, even on a primal level. You're going to continue to attract men like this until you get a better handle on your PTSD (look into EMDR and accupuncture) and until you can know better how to choose a mate that's healthy. You're doctor said the confusing part because he's a man and almost all cultures are dominated by men, so they will come up with excuses for rape (ie, you weren't physically harmed) because, in his mind, or in the back of his mind, he's thinking like a man and is siding with your fiance's urges. That's wrong and improper medical advice. Go ask a female doctor and see if she says the same thing. You can forgive him and let him back into your life, having heard his promises and he's 98% likely to do it again. You will need to forgive him at some point for yourself, but don't forget and allow him into your life again. I know that sucks to hear because there's so much love involved, but he has showed you in one night that he doesn't love you the same way as you love him because ultimately you're a piece of meat, and his mind, at least subconsciously, you're his property and a woman should always fulfill a man's/husband's needs. It goes back thousands of years and is still reinforced in most cultures today (ie, the blue ball excuse, rape porn). He is manipulating you by threatening suicide because this is what abusers do. They plead and cry and threaten their lives until you welcome them back in your life, you start to trust and forgive him because he's behaving himself, and he does it again, or he cheats on you. I would start to question what your love was really based on and if he's ever shown such traits, even subtle, in the past. Even if he was just horny, he could've masturbated, but he was likely seeing how far he could get and let his urges overpower his love and care for you. That's not a real man you should be spending the rest of your life with. You need to find a therapist, preferably female, that deals with sexual abuse and work through your emotions and love for him while cutting yourself off from him, and in finding healthier men, which means you may have to go for men you weren't immediately attracted to in the past. Maybe I sound a little militant because I'm kind of a feminist, but rape is never excusable, especially when you told him no and he knows your background. You were physically violated, even though there was no physical trauma or violence, but more importantly, emotionally and mentally violated. Would someone you are going to marry ever treat you that way, who truly loves you? No. So maybe he is a nice guy and he just messed up and let his hormones get the better of him--that would never hold up in most courts if he were tried. And it wasn't a mistake. He knew what he was doing, even if his mind was clouded by urges. I am a man and I know how we think. He let go, he gave up 10 years of history when he did this. I would also say try to rebuild the trust, but it's likely to be shattered again. If he can't handle going without sex because you're dealing with PTSD issues, which naturally make you not want to have sex, he's no the right match, because what else can't he handle?

The best thing you can do is get around friends who can help you through this. Then put down the alcohol. Then do what you can to get off the codeine. Start finding substitutes, things you enjoy to do, things that empower you. Go to a rape/sexual abuse survivors meeting so you can tools on how to regain the woman you are because since 15 I'm guessing you have never truly known that woman.

Hi Faerie.....

I am praying for you because I have been there just like you and really don't talk about it much.... Two guys I knew used me like a doll and thought I was not going to say anything... But I was smart to talk to the cops and have both of them tracked down to face the fireworks . One got a restraining order slapped in his hands twice and that kept him away for a long time...

But I was still looking over my shoulder after that.... I worried that he was hunting me down like a Dog looking for food. Not a good thing for me even when I accidently walked against a red light in front of a cop car... I got stopped and the cop talked to me asking what I was thinking... I told him about being followed by this guy that had rapped me and so on.... I was scared big time....

Now that almost ll years have gone by I am now married with one kid and a husband that is pretty understanding. He knows about the past and what I went through... And YES... there are times when I think about the rapes myself....

Getting the help you need is a must right now no matter what the guy says he won't do anymore... For some reason that never holds up well when they know your weak points in life...

Hold strong and know that God is there helping you through all this with your therapist..... You need someone to talk to ..... and even the Rape Hot lines are good... I have called them many times just to try and understand why I felt it was all my fault this happened....

Know that I am really praying for you in a special way.... God is there if you need Him and listening to you.... even if you may not believe He is there ..

Hang in there just for today.....One day at a time...

Little Penguin

Hi Little Penguin, nice to meet you, I'm so sorry that you also understand this particular trauma. Like you I do have my faith to help me through this, I'm a pagan and worship the Mother Goddess, she is holding me now. I don't believe any religion is wrong, we just worship the universe differently, that's whats so beautiful about all the different faiths.

Clay, You are a very sensitive, informed man, I appreciate your support and ongoing friendship. I will take your advice and consult a female doctor at my surgery and see what she has to say. I'm also gonna call one of those help lines Dee so kindly gave me earlier in the thread. It's great to have men like you and Dee contribute your advice as I know this subject may scare most men off.

I've only taken 8 codeine so far today and it's 1:30pm, I really want more but I'm gonna try hard not to take any more. It's so hard to resist your addiction when your in crisis as I'm sure you all understand but I also accept that I am responsible for my own usage and cannot blame him. Blaming others for your addiction gets you nowhere.

Love to you all, thanks for your support,

I say you give me his address so I can go beat his !@#. In all seriousness I am very sorry to hear what happened to you. I have to small daughters and one of my worst fears is something like this happening to them. I applaude your courage to come here and post. I wish I had better advice except you need to talk with the doc, get of the pills, and out of that realtionship immediately. I can't imagine someone doing what they did knowing your previous history. Your fiance should be someone you look to to protect you from the terrors in life, not be a facilitator of them. This is just my opinion, but i call them how I see them.

Chris

Faerie....

Glad you are holding things together... Hang in there and know that you have lots of support around you as I still do..

Today I am thinking about you and all those that suffer from what "men" do to us and think they can get away with it.. For the moment I am loved and wish you the same.

I am glad you have a faith that keeps you strong and moving forward.... we all need some sort of faith and our recovery program to keep us going... I do ... and I am grateful for what I do have today.

Hugs coming to you from my house and my heart.....

Little Penguin

Hi all, wrote a big post yesterday and lost it all, duh! and don't have time to rewrite this morning. I have had some interesting developments with the situation though, some good some bad. Will re-post the details tonight when I get home so you know what has happened.

Today however should be a good day. It's Sunday and I am taking a 16 yr old girl with dyspraxia out to the city. She's a family friend and really needs a lot of love and attention. Her mum says she doesn't have any friends without a disability so I've decided to start spending quality time with her. [I see her at parties and stuff and hang out but never one on one] I guess it will be like an unofficial 'big sister' program.

We both should get a lot out of it. I'm taking her to the museum then to lunch and then shopping. Yay! I spoke to her yesterday and she is so excited about spending time with me.

It makes me feel really good.

Will post again later,

Love to you all, xx

Now for the update I promised.

Much has happened both good and bad.

I'm still using way too much codeine and have no-one to blame for it but myself. I do promise however I will call an ambalance if I od. Being very careful not to od though.

Yesterday was great, if you ever have a chance to spend time with a kid with a disability do it, it is a great way to give back and take your mind off of your own problems. She made me cry when she told me she loved me.

I've just had 2 English backpackers staying with us for 2 days. The girl is a distant relative. When I first heard they were coming I was really anxious as I thought 'this is the worst time to have someone new in my life' but it turned out to be one of the best experiences ever.

The girl and I really bonded, we are now best friends. She too is a rape survivor with depression and self harm issues. [I see my codeine use as both a coping mechanism and self harm] Her fiance was one of the most lovely and gentle men I have ever met.

I told them all about what had happened with 'J'. [I am now calling him 'J' as I refuse to refer to him as my fiance anymore] and they gave me great advice and support just like all of you have.

For their own reasons my new friends were unable to have sex for over 18 months and you know what, he 'handled it himself' and didn't hassle her or pressure her once. He told me that J is not a real man as he couldn't even last 6 weeks before raping me. I agree.

She made me feel really loved and special and made me realise I deserve better than J.

J called me on Saturday morning and I refused to take the call. We all went out for a few hours and when we got back there were roses on the back doorstep.

Knowing J and our past fights he would continue to 'phone-stalk' me until I spoke with him so I called him back. I was strong. I told him he was not respecting my boundaries by calling when I had expressly told him not to call me as I would call him, when I was ready to talk. His excuse was that he had been feeling like c**p and wanted to talk to me. I pointed out that that was selfish. I also told him roses don't make everything OK. He then went on to beg me not to break up with him and again threatened to kill himself if I did. I told him that that was emotional blackmail, manipulative and immature and that I didn't want to hear that BS again.

He said he had 60 paracetamol and would take them if I left him. I was careful NOT to tell him that 60 MAY not be enough and begged him to flush them or give them to his mum but he wouldn't. I also realise 60 MAY be enough and that scares the hell out of me.

I still love this man very much but I can't forgive him for what he did nor do I trust him anymore. He is the one that threw away 10 years of history and a really beautiful relationship. It is a tragedy. It's all his own fault.

From all of your advice and the advice from my parents and my new found friends I have decided to break up with him, even though I love him. I have to put myself and my recovery first.

I am seeing my therapist tomorrow and will seek his advice on how best to break up with J so he is less likely to hurt himself. I have a feeling J will still make a half-arsed attempt at killing himself in an attempt to get attention and sympathy from me. [don't get me wrong all attempts should be taken seriously but I don't think his will be genuine] However if I am right and he does do it I will not visit him in hospital as it will only validate his behavior and give him the outcome he desired. He is also depressed [but won't admit to it] and a pot addict so maybe if he does put himself in hospital it will be a blessing in disguise and he will have to talk to a professional about his problems.

I hope that last bit didn't sound cold as I am not a cold person, I'm just not gonna buy in to his guilt trip if he chooses to take that path and I hope to the Goddess he doesn't.

I'm also very scared he may od and actually kill himself but I'll cross that bridge if I have to and know that you'll all be here for me if I need you.

I'm going to break up with him on Wednesday at my place as my Mum will be home, just in case things get out of hand. I think that is the best course of action.

I'm just scared I'll chicken out or cave into his begging so any words of support and encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

I'm going out to see one of my 'Aussie Aunties' this arvo. [all my blood family is in England where I'm from] So I'll talk to her about the situation.


Much love to you all, I'll try to look after myself for the rest of the day.

Well it seems like you're on the right track. Your thinking is right. Just remember that when he tries to convince you or you want to cave in that he doesn't deserve you. He's shown that. Therefore he can longer have you. Tell him if he tries to kill himself, that is his own choice, and you and his loved ones would be devastated. However it won't garner sympathy from you, you won't feel guilty and that if he doesn't succeed, you will not visit him in the hospital because he's trying to manipulate you. Tell him that he needs to forgive himself for what he's done and take responsibility for his own actions. Tell him he will meet someone new, but he must first work on himself and examine what he's done. I'm not sure what Australia laws are, but if he calls you and threatens to kill himself, you can call the police and have him arrested/taken away.

Good luck and keep staying strong.

:You_Rock_

I think getting advice from your therapist is a really good idea Faerie.
Professional guidance is needed here I think.

There's a lot in here about J - make sure you're taking care of yourself, ok?
I know it's hard right now, but pls try and stick to the codeine tapering schedule you devised with yr doctor.

D

I am really concerned for you but I'm very glad you're going to see your therapist tomorrow.I'm a bit worried you're going to get a lot of armchair psychology replies here and it's simply not what's needed in a situation this serious.I don't think anyone at SR is equipped to professionally deal with the emotional/psychological minefield this has become and I am so very glad you're getting proper help. All we can really do is love and support you as you walk through it-and we do. :hug:

I'm thinking of you,
Jules xox