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Old 08-08-2009, 10:27 PM   #121 (permalink)
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Yes, you last 3 Australian's, who responded to my begging, pleading post, I have figured it out now, was becoming so fustrated and getting angry and thought, &^%$#%%, go get some beer, but still I'm sober. God is with me today.

Thanks to each and everyone of you abroard. Would love to be able to fly and just hop in my jet, (WISH) if I had the money (WISH) and buy you all a ..........cup of Joe! LOL.
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Old 08-09-2009, 08:41 PM   #122 (permalink)
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Well crying as I write this, feeling very emotional, just took my 'crash meds' [2 neulactil 3 valium] really needed to take them today.

J called.

Was outside having a ciggie and heard the phone go, didn't hear who it was, heard the answering machine go and assumed it was my Dad, made the mistake of picking it up.

Ended up talking to him for over an hour.

J is sorry. Sorry for what he did to me, sorry for getting angry last time we talked and calling me a 'cold bitch' and sorry for ruining our beautiful relationship.

And yes, I felt sorry for him.

I told him I could not yet forgive him and still did not trust him.

I told him I did not see a future for our relationship. Sad as that was.

I agreed that what we had WAS beautiful but that HE had ruined it and that he only had himself to blame for that.

I told him I still cared about him and was glad he hadn't tried to hurt himself.

He is still feeling suicidal and I told him he needs professional help.

I told him I was thinking about putting in a police report.

I told him I was going to the rape crisis centre on the 26th for counseling.

He feels that I only broke up with him because of my psychologist and because of the advice I have received from this forum. I told him that wasn't true. That it was my decision and mine alone.

He then tried to blame me being on codeine as the reason for me breaking up with him.

He just can't seem to accept that it is my choice.

I feel really bad that he is hurting so much but I am hurting too.

He knew I had been raped twice before and yet still raped me. I am not able to forgive him for that yet.

I am seeing my psychologist tomorrow morning and will talk to him about how to let go of anger. I know [thanks to your kind advice] that anger is a healthy emotion but I am sick of it consuming me and want to learn to let go of it.

Whether I can find it in myself to forgive him or not time will tell.

I still have love for J but am no longer 'in love' with him.

I feel really confused by how I feel right now.

I feel sorry for him and angry with him at the same time.

I really didn't need him to call me today.

And yes, I now realise I should have just hung up as soon as I realised it was him on the phone but I needed to know he was Ok as I still care despite what he did to me.

Feeling very sad, angry and confused,

Not gonna go over my tapering dose today.

Much love,

Faerie xx
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Old 08-10-2009, 08:47 AM   #123 (permalink)
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Hey friend.
All emotions are good, the last few days, I experienced rage, fear, hate, and t/o it all I started to laugh a little, after finally getting some much, needed sleep. Somber today!!
Check your e-mail. You got mail as, "Meg and Tom" had exchanged. I loved that movie, saw it again on the tube 2 days ago.
PS: Proud of you and all that you told J.
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Old 08-18-2009, 06:54 PM   #124 (permalink)
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Hello Beautiful People,

Thought I should give you an update.

Doing really well and am back down to 16 pills a day.

It's been a year since I last tried to kill myself and I posted a thread about it.

Love to you all,

Faerie xx
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Old 08-18-2009, 08:57 PM   #125 (permalink)
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I wasn't sure were to post this so I've posted it here since I've only been with SR for about a week. I suffer from severe depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder, I am also addicted to codeine.

Until Monday night I thought I had the most trustworthy and loving fiance a girl could have but now he has completely shattered that and I don't know what to do.

To give you some background, I have been raped twice before, the first time was when I was fifteen and it was by a virtual stranger I had met and kissed at a party who followed me on my way home and attacked me. At the time I was so convinced it was my fault that I didn't tell my parents or police, the only person I told was my best friend. I repressed it for over 12 years [I am 27 now] and have only told my parents, fiance and therapist about it 2 months ago. Since I have started talking about the attacks I have been unable to have sex with my fiance and my therapist has diagnosed me with post traumatic stress.

The second time it happened I was 23 and my now ex boyfriend whom I was living with at the time forced himself on me towards the end of our relationship when I was sleeping in the spare room. He told me that I 'belonged' to him and that it was his 'right' to have me and that no-one would believe me if I reported it. So I didn't.

Since I was fifteen I have struggled with addiction, from 15 to 23 I was addicted to pot, smoking almost every day however I am proud to say I have kicked that addiction. [There is hope for all you pot smokers out there, I did it so can you PM me to find out how] But since I was 19 I have been addicted to codeine and still am although I am trying to wean myself off.

Anyway back to Monday night. My fiance has been complaining about the lack of sex even though he promised he would be patient and understanding whilst I am treated for the PTS. On Monday night I woke up to find him having sex with me. I told him 'no and to stop' he did and I went back to sleep. However I was woken up again later that night by him doing it again after I had already said no previously. I googled the definition of rape this morning and it clearly states that it is any sexual contact or penetration without permission so I feel my fiance raped me the second time on Monday night.

When I confronted him on Tuesday morning his excuse was that he did it because he was so horny and frustrated from not having regular sex and tried to blame me for this. I do not feel this is fair at all.

I told him he had raped me and he started crying saying if he lost me he would have nothing left to live for.

I feel so lost, I really don't need this now, it's only 11:30 am and I have already had 18 codeine pills when I have cut down to between 12 to 6 a day. I hope I can get through the day without taking more.

I really love my fiance, everything else about our relationship is wonderful but what happened on Monday feels like a deal-breaker. I don't want to break up with him but I don't know if I can forgive him or ever trust him again.

I haven't spoken to him since yesterday and told him I need time and space to make a decision about our relationship. He knows I have been raped before so I can't understand why he would do it to me himself, I know he didn't realise it was rape but I didn't give my consent so it was.

I really need some advice, from both men and women on this situation.

My wings have been torn again.

Faerie

Im very sorry this happened to you. I know this. Rape is always wrong. If it against your will, it is wrong. I was abused as a child so I can empathize. I hope you find comfort and a resolution to your situation.
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Old 08-18-2009, 09:05 PM   #126 (permalink)
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Im very sorry this happened to you. I know this. Rape is always wrong. If it against your will, it is wrong. I was abused as a child so I can empathize. I hope you find comfort and a resolution to your situation.
Notofeudalism, I am so sorry that you too know this pain.

It is so sad how many of us share it and how many of us turn to drugs and alcohol to help deal with it. [I don't know if this is the case with you of course so please don't think I am assuming]

I find much comfort in SR and hope you do too.

Much love,

Faerie x:ghug3
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Old 08-18-2009, 09:40 PM   #127 (permalink)
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I'm getting into this later than most but oh my gosh, you are really going through alot!! I've been raped and it was awful, I can't imagine the emotional aspect of it being someone you trusted. My roommate was raped in college, she was passed out and only vaguely remembers someone coming in the room - she did press charges even though it was most likely a guy she was seeing (it turned out to be an acquaintance at the party - he was convicted and the scary thing is - was thrown back into prison a year after he was released for raping again). Anyways, it really hit home to hear this, I'm so sorry.

It does sound as though for whatever reason your ex boyfriends have maybe topped mine in horridness! Go see a counselor please please, you (we) deserve better and you are so young, I'm seven years older and would hate to see you waste as much time and sadness on difficult and/or very harmful relationships. It should not be like that, and I cannot imagine being able to move forward with trust from that. Maybe you could do it, but would it be worth that much pain? It has always helped me to just stay away and kinda get my head around the situation. Therapists can really help.

Also, I guess on the very important recovery... I am an alcoholic, just very recently have admitted this and it sucks, I'm scared, but it feels better to finally move forward, like there is a weight off my chest, the possibility of more. I have been drinking heavily for 6 years, it has been such a sad and lonely time. It has been up and down but I keep hearing all the optimism on this site, and there has to be something better out there!

My little sister actually has bpd and is addicted to narcotics, so you are not alone. It hurts me to see her in pain as she is one of the most wonderful, kind, beautiful, loving people in the world. She has kicked it before, it just takes patience and faith. Please be as good as you can to yourself, I know you have so much going on, but you are worth it. Take care.
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Old 08-19-2009, 12:11 PM   #128 (permalink)
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I understand, Faerie.

I never said no. As a Christian wife..my body belonged to my husband. He abused that

privilege. It took counseling for me to see that I was raped..when I tried to refuse,

for any reason..or any demands..to not deny your husband was always thrown in my

my face..creating more guilt and shame.

's

Still very hard to talk about, after 18 years.
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Old 08-19-2009, 12:27 PM   #129 (permalink)
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((Hello)) sweet Kelly,
My daughter, my friend. U R doing just great, so proud, beyond words or miles...
Women our lead by their hearts and men, sad to say their visual content..... or what they seem to read b/w the lines.
To any man out there: I 'am not putting U down, I'm not a man hater.
Stay strong.
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Old 08-25-2009, 06:26 PM   #130 (permalink)
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Hi All,

Today I have my first appointment with Yarrow Place, the rape crisis centre Dee so kindly put me on to. [can't thank you enough Dee, I would have never done it without you]

I am really scared and anxious as I find it really hard to talk about what happened to me in person. I'm fine talking about it with you guys though.

Yesterday I was practically planning a relapse and was gonna take more pills with me 'just in case in needed them'. After reading one of my hero's posts who had just had a relapse I'm not going to. I'm sad that it happened to her but so glad that her honesty made me realise what I was planning to do was stupid.

No matter how I feel today I am not going over my tapering dose.

At least, unlike her, I will be talking to someone trained to deal with sexual assault.

I will update my thread later or tomorrow morning to let you know how it went.

Love to you all my friends,

Faerie xx
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Old 08-25-2009, 06:37 PM   #131 (permalink)
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I'm very proud of you, Faerie. I am sure this is very hard for you.

And, thanks to Dee for all the help he gave to you!
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Old 08-25-2009, 07:07 PM   #132 (permalink)
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oh thank you Kel

I'm so glad you're going today - I really hope this starts a journey of healing for you....and I'm very proud you didn't give into the pill temptation.

I'm so happy I was able to help

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Old 08-26-2009, 05:23 PM   #133 (permalink)
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Hi,

Next morning and whilst I'm a bit down the appointment went well.

The lady I saw 'Claudia' was lovely and I trust her very much.


I had to breathe my way out of a panic attack on the way there [a skill I learned at DBT] but made it, bless my Mum for taking me.

Since it was the first session she didn't ask for details on any of the assaults and talked more about how nothing was my fault and about what she could offer me in the way of counseling.

She knows I have PTS and will focus on working on getting me through that. I had the choice of informal, unstructured counseling where we could discuss whatever I wanted to at the time or CBT. The CBT was part of a research project they were doing with one of the SA Uni's and would involve only talking about the most recent attack, structured sessions and homework. Any essay I wrote about the attack would be used in the study.

Since I have already had DBT training, am crappy at committing to homework and don't like structure in general, plus would only be allowed to talk about the last attack I took the first option. Plus I'm not comfortable with anyone but my family, friends [including, of course you guys] my doctors and Claudia knowing about what happened.

The first attack when I was 15 was by far the most traumatic and I need to be able to talk about that as it was so violent and I was so young, plus it f**ked me up so badly.

The other two were bad, don't get me wrong, but the first has affected me the most. I guess that's because I repressed it for 12 years and told no-one until 9 weeks ago.

Claudia also [very sadly] confirmed that like me many survivors of rape and sexual abuse turn to drugs and/or alcohol to cope. I told her all about my addiction issues, she is proud of me for my efforts in tapering down and hopes the counseling will help me to keep doing so. I'm sure it will as my emotional pain is the main reason I use.

As you guys know I am taking other steps to manage my physical pain. I now take ibuprofen everyday and get physio for my back. I am getting my knees x-rayed and my doctor will then decide what to do about the pain I have with them.

I am really committed to getting off of codeine this time and know I can do it. I've already cut down from about 30-40 pills a day to 16 so I know I am doing well. I'm glad I was honest with my doctor and that he is letting me wean myself off at my own pace.

I am also drinking a whole lot of water, green tea and warm water with lemon juice to help cleanse my liver as I am worried about doing damage on top of the damage I know I have already done.

Oh yeah, I don't know if I told you guys this yet so sorry if I have.

When I went to my GP last week I found out that in the last 8 weeks I have lost 8 kilos and a massive 16 centremeters from around my belly. I have gone down a dress size and as a reward my parents bought me a new pair of jeans. I feels great that my hard work has paid off. I can also fit in to loads of clothes I have that were too small for me.

One of the reasons I'm depressed is my weight so it feels great to know I am making a difference. I can't control the hereditary factor or what has happened to me in the past but I can control my weight.

Much love to you all,

Faerie xxx
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Old 08-26-2009, 05:33 PM   #134 (permalink)
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I'm *so* glad to hear you're getting somewhere in so many areas, Kel - thats awesome!



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Old 08-26-2009, 05:49 PM   #135 (permalink)
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That's great Faerie!

You're doing well going for the counselling and I am glad you found someone you could trust. That's so important. And, good for you for cuttin back on the codeine.

I suspect you are starting to feel better about yourself and it shows in your weight-loss!
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Old 09-01-2009, 05:21 PM   #136 (permalink)
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Thinking of going to an NA meeting tonight to check it out.

Not sure if I'll have the balls or chicken out at the last moment.

Faerie xx
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Old 09-01-2009, 05:24 PM   #137 (permalink)
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Faerie,

You should do whatever works for you. You're working hard to take care of yourself, and that's the main thing.
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Old 09-01-2009, 06:13 PM   #138 (permalink)
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Thinking of going to an NA meeting tonight to check it out.

Not sure if I'll have the balls or chicken out at the last moment.

Faerie xx
It couldn't hurt.
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Old 09-01-2009, 07:18 PM   #139 (permalink)
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I've been gone and in the states for a while. Haven't been on SR for almost a month but I am very glad to hear you have finally had that appointment at the crisis center faerie!
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Old 09-02-2009, 08:11 AM   #140 (permalink)
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i'm sorry faerie. my ex boyfriend did that to me too. he did something wrong, not you.
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