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Old 08-06-2009, 10:25 PM   #101 (permalink)
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Hi All,

Feel really bad today and have to make a confession. Makes me feel awful when I think of how well you all think I'm doing.

I've slipped.

Yesterday and now today [about 10 mins ago] I have taken 4 extra pills. I'm supposed to be taking 16 and have taken 20.

I have no excuse except that the physical and emotional withdrawals have gotten the better of me the past 2 days. Been thinking about what happened to me too much and have been in pain and feeling sick.

16 just isn't holding me. I know I need to speak to my doctor so I just rang the surgery but can't get in to see him any earlier than the 20th.

I know I have to try harder.

So many other people are able to do it, why can't I?

Will try my hardest to do better tomorrow, that's all I can do.

I feel so ashamed and am sorry for disappointing you all.

With great regret,

Faerie x
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Old 08-06-2009, 10:42 PM   #102 (permalink)
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No need to feel ashamed Faerie. I've never had a codeine problem myself but I know from my friends in the other forum it's very hard to come off of.

There's other factors involved here of course. Its a shame the wait is so long for Yarrow Place. Do you have a regular counsellor, or just your GP?

And I know I've given you this ADIS number before but it may be good to give it to you again - they may know of a codeine support group or something in SA.

Quote:
Alcohol and Drug Information Service (ADIS) offers a 24 hour telephone information, counselling and referral service for the general public, concerning family and friends, students and health professionals. ADIS is staffed by trained professionals with experience in the alcohol and other drug field.
SA: 1300 131 340
Pls try and keep to the tapering plan as much as possible - I know it's not easy when you're in pain, but it's the best for you, Faerie.

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Old 08-06-2009, 11:31 PM   #103 (permalink)
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First, no need to feel ashamed, not at all. You are doing good, it takes times. Under your circumstances I do understand the 'need' for 'tapering off' rather than 'cold turkey.'

Second, I have been questioning the 'tapering' in my mind, in that I think he is dropping the dosage too quickly. Somethng I think you need to discuss with your doctor. I would think that 5 to 7 days at each level would be better than how quickly he wants you to taper down. Just might be something to consider. Allows you and your body to 'adjust' to the new dosage before dropping it again. ........................... just a thought.

Yes it will take longer to get off the codeine but might be better for you mentally and physically. I'm not a Dr and this is not medical advice, just being logical here. The slower the 'tapering off' the less stress on you.

J M H O

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Old 08-07-2009, 02:22 AM   #104 (permalink)
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Hi All,

Feel really bad today and have to make a confession. Makes me feel awful when I think of how well you all think I'm doing.
I understand why you feel that way, but there's no shame necessary, just an opportunity to learn a lesson. I learned shame's not a very helpful emotion in recovery; it didn't keep me from hitting the bottle again.

Quote:
I've slipped.
However like someone else reminded me about my relapse, you didn't slip, you made a conscious decision to take those pills. Don't be ashamed, just take responsibility as an adult and move on. If you need to take 20 for a while, do it. Maybe go down to 18 if going down to 16 is too much. Just don't beat yourself up or else you will need more pills.

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Yesterday and now today [about 10 mins ago] I have taken 4 extra pills. I'm supposed to be taking 16 and have taken 20.
And really the difference between 16 and 20 pills isn't shattering or entirely significant. You knew what you needed at that moment to cope. You had a moment of weakness.

Quote:
I have no excuse except that the physical and emotional withdrawals have gotten the better of me the past 2 days. Been thinking about what happened to me too much and have been in pain and feeling sick.
I think one of your problems because you're not working is that you have a lot of time to spend alone thinking. Find things to keep you busy and keep your mind off your trauma and addiction. Keeping up with your writing is a good suggestion. Get lost in the worlds you create. Writing is so therapeutic. Maybe write about a character who's been through what you've been through, in a fantasy context. If you need inspiration to write, read some of your writing books. I'm still going to recommend Stephen King's [I]On Writing[I] until you get it ;-p It inspired me to keep on with my writing.

Quote:
16 just isn't holding me. I know I need to speak to my doctor so I just rang the surgery but can't get in to see him any earlier than the 20th.

I know I have to try harder.

So many other people are able to do it, why can't I?
You CAN mate. Don't believe the rubbish that you can't (I'm listening to the BBC right now haha). Don't consider a minor setback evidence that you can't get sober. If I were to get drunk and say I can't get sober, would you say, "Oh Clayton, I'm so sorry, I guess you just can't do it like other people"? Of course not, so quit saying it to yourself. You're dealing with so much, so many old and new wounds I can't even fathom the pain, physically and emotionally, you're dealing with. You're my hero. And just because you took 4 more pills because you were in pain doesn't change that. You're not a loser, you're not a failure, you will get through this. That's what you'd tell me. Tell it to yourself and know it's true. And there may be other setbacks Congratulate yourself for recognizing your mistake. Now assess what you can do to prevent such setbacks in the future. Call your doctor and talk to him on the phone if you have to. I'm sure he'll let you do 18 instead of 16 pills a day. If he doesn't advise that, do it anyway. Do what you need to do.

Quote:
Will try my hardest to do better tomorrow, that's all I can do.
That's all you can do and realize that while you messed up this time, you did your best and you're doing your best. Give yourself credit for being so strong throughout all this. I don't think I could bear what you're dealing with. Thinking too much about what happened is the PTSD talking. You need to get that taken care of, so discuss some things like EMDR with your therapist.

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I feel so ashamed and am sorry for disappointing you all.
I think you disappointed yourself enough, even though no one here is disappointed in you. We've all had relapses and we know that you're trying, that you're not some wanker (see you're rubbing off on me) who doesn't take his addiction seriously. You're doing fine, just keep on moving.

Love,
Clayton

P.S. I'm ordering you to go watch, read, or listen to something funny as soon as possible! Laughter cuts through that shame pretty well.

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Old 08-07-2009, 05:10 AM   #105 (permalink)
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Hi again Faerie

not to belabour the point, but I did a bit of a rummage online - you can get referred to counsellors off the ADIS info line with respect to your codeine use.

Here's the pamphlet in .pdf form from the DASSA (Drug and Alcohol Services S.A.) about withdrawal services.

http://www.dassa.sa.gov.au/webdata/r...thdrawalDL.pdf

Not saying you need them right now, but the info is good to have.

And Clay is right - we're not disappointed

This is what SR is for, K - finding support and encouragement to make recovery work.

D
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Old 08-07-2009, 05:34 AM   #106 (permalink)
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Hi Faerie,

Addiction has so much shame attached to it, and sometimes it makes it hard for us to seek the help we need because we feel so much shame. Don't let that happen to you.

dI'm glad you'll be talking to your dr soon.
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Old 08-07-2009, 05:49 AM   #107 (permalink)
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Well it's only me again, but just to say that you're actually doing fine Faerie, I (and probably others)- can see that you have strength of character, even though you may not feel it right at this point in time.. and I would just echo what Dee, Anna, Clay, and Laurie have already said.
There isn't any shame whatsoever.
You're actually brave.
Brave for telling (rather, sharing)- everything that you already have done on the internet.
Brave for not keeping quiet, for opening up when you really needed to. That takes guts, especially after what you have been thru.
I know that there are thousands (as time will tell, probably more)-of women (and men)- who have been thru terrible crap.. and they can't talk about it. To anyone. Maybe they will in months or years to come. But for now they can't, because of whatever reason. doesn't make it any harder or less traumatic. But when (if)-they do talk, it will be a release, and/or the start of a healing process.
So just remember that you are brave.
(I was going to add more, but had to leave it for now as I've got me own stuff to deal with- have to be selfish somewhat sometimes, to look after yourself as well as others.)
You're doing okay, even if it doesn't feel that way. Keep it up! Keep sharing!.
TC,
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Old 08-07-2009, 06:08 AM   #108 (permalink)
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((faerie))
I Live in the USA, not in Australia. Would love to visit there someday and have met some fine, knowledgeable, traveling Nurses from abroard. I do not know how your system works there, but Dee knows and has some great advice that he has offered to you.

Clay has given you some great advice too, along with emotional support as well. Everyone here loves and cares about you. STOP beating yourself up. Hey, I relapsed after over 5 years, so I'm starting all over again.

I loved what 51anna stated, shame can tear a person apart. Just heard of a Nurse who killed herself a few days ago. Addiction and shame is what took it's toll on her.

Stay strong Dear Friend, I'm here for you, I'm your cheerleader and one of many that support you.
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Old 08-07-2009, 07:29 PM   #109 (permalink)
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Hi Guys, I just read then re-read your posts.

Your kind words have made me feel humbled and much loved, thank you all. Dee, Anna, Clay, Laurie, MaryEllen and Pete I love you all so much.

Gonna stick to 18 today, no matter what. If I feel I need/want more I will reach out via PM or email or go to the chat room. [now that I know I'd be welcome]

Gonna stop beating myself up. Clay's right, I have to take responsibility, I chose to take the pills. I had a reason. However it is still a problem and I need to talk to my doctor about the doseage level as I need to be on enough to hold me at the moment. Laurie's right, I think I may need to decrease slower and I'm sure my very understanding doctor will be open to that.

I strongly believe that the only way any of us can get over our addictions is by dealing with the reasons we use. Mine are physical pain and emotional pain. I am getting physio for my back but at the moment it is aggravating it more than helping it. However my physiotherapist said this would be the case at first. When I see my doctor I'm gonna talk about me knees as I think I need physio for them too.

As you know I have only recently begun dealing with my emotional pain for my, now, 3 rapes, I see my psychologist every 2 weeks and now have an appointment with Yarrow House on the 26th. [my Mum is driving me so I don't have to go alone, I love her so much]. I know it will take time to get over what has happened to me, maybe I never will, but at least I can learn to live with it.

I spoke to Clay this morning and told him about the rough night I had last night. It was Friday night [in Oz] and I was playing the 'if only game'. I always used to spend Fridays with J. I was thinking 'if only he hadn't raped me I'd be with him now' and really missing him. I'm in mourning for the relationship but don't want him back. What happened is a tragedy, but it happened and I have to learn to accept it.

I miss the good things about him and now have no-one to go fishing with, I need a new fishing buddy, I love fishing. [catch and release only].

Clay's right, I need to get back into my writing, I'm an aspiring writer and aim to be a published author one day.

Gonna do something nice for myself today and treat myself to an aromatherapy bubblebath with one of my writing books.

And I order each and every one of you that reads this post to do something nice for yourself too - you deserve it for supporting me.

Much love and thanks for your kindness,

Kel xx
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Old 08-07-2009, 08:28 PM   #110 (permalink)
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Have a great Saturday Kel

Hugs
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Old 08-07-2009, 09:43 PM   #111 (permalink)
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I miss the good things about him and now have no-one to go fishing with, I need a new fishing buddy, I love fishing. [catch and release only]
Catch and release psshh, you sensitive saps. The only reason humans originally went fishing was to get food. One should be able to enjoy the taste of something they've waited through 8 hours of utter boredom to catch. But whatever wags your tail ;-P
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Old 08-07-2009, 10:35 PM   #112 (permalink)
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Catch and release psshh, you sensitive saps. The only reason humans originally went fishing was to get food. One should be able to enjoy the taste of something they've waited through 8 hours of utter boredom to catch. But whatever wags your tail ;-P
This Faerie can't bring herself to kill them. You big meanie Clay, lol.
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Old 08-07-2009, 11:02 PM   #113 (permalink)
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Hi Sweet Faerie~
I'll stand beside you as a "sensitive sap"---lol. I'm sorry that I wasn't here when you were struggling yesterday. As you know from our numerous PM's, I've been following your thread quite closely. I think it is really incredible that you are in the midst of acute emotional/ physical pain and yet you are here supporting others every day. I might remind you of all the positive things you've said to other members (myself included) and how willing you are to be of support. I also keep "bumping" into your posts in misc. threads and hear all sorts of wonderful things about you: your love of animals, your sense of humor, your writing, the Reiki, etc. etc.

Trust me, you have not let anyone down. Not in the slightest.
Thank you for being so authentic with all of us. I can only speak for myself (but I doubt very much that I'm alone in this): your presence on SR is very much appreciated. Hope today is better for you.
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Old 08-07-2009, 11:19 PM   #114 (permalink)
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^

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Old 08-08-2009, 02:49 AM   #115 (permalink)
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Hey, I'm with Clay!
Love to fish when I use to so long ago and really enjoyed the skining, cleaning and frying those tasty fish. Girly here, but had 6 brothers and was in the military and grew up around the Alantic ocean on the NE coast, so I can be tomboyish too...LOL.
Thanks for the memories clay.
Faeria, I'm here for you sweetie, sent you a message. Having problems emptying folder, I do this and confirm this, but keeps reading 100 % full, HELP me, someone?
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Old 08-08-2009, 03:43 AM   #116 (permalink)
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make sure you 'tick' the messages you want to delete TC

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Old 08-08-2009, 05:35 AM   #117 (permalink)
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"make sure you 'tick' the messages you want to delete TC "
tick??? Is this an Australia term?? A tick to me is like a flea.....Serious, please, someone, I need help here?
Dee, someone who knows, wake up and help me out here.....
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Old 08-08-2009, 07:28 AM   #118 (permalink)
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tall, 'tick' meaning when you have a little box on the screen you 'tick' it, that is, you click inside the box and it places a small tick mark or an 'x' in the box
Hope that helps
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Old 08-08-2009, 06:33 PM   #119 (permalink)
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LOl TC you always seem to be having problems with your inbox.

Just email me if you can't PM!

It's Sunday morning in OZ, feeling OK today.

Held myself on 18 pills yesterday so fairly happy with myself that I have come down from 20. Enjoyed my bubble bath, I hope you all did something nice for yourselves too.

There are a couple of people here on SR struggling more than me with opiates that are really inspiring me right now, you guys probably know who I am talking about, they are amazing.

I have been really worried about a young girl here who has just been through a similar experience to what I have been through with sexual assault. I am happy to say she has taken my and other's advice and is doing something about it, she is not making the same mistake I did so many years ago.

I think that I must have gone through all the horrible things I have for a reason. If that reason is so that I can help others then I am at peace with it. It makes my pain worth it knowing that I can ease the pain of others.

My parents think I should look into becoming a sexual assault therapist when I am better and ready to work again. I think I could handle it and be good at it. I understand exactly what it is like to feel confused, scared, betrayed and ashamed and believe that with training I could truly help other women and men. Of course I still want to be a published author too.

Now that I am starting to deal with my addiction I see a future for myself, I know I'm not gonna die young anymore.

That is the best feeling and gift in the world.

And you know what, I couldn't do it without all of you and your love and support.

Thank you,

Much love,

Faerie xx
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Old 08-08-2009, 06:41 PM   #120 (permalink)
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I'm glad TC got her PMs sorted

I'm not certain things happen for a reason Kel, but I do believe, very strongly, that we can glean some good out of most of the stuff we get dealt. Sometimes it takes some lookin' tho

You give a lot back here and, regardless of your history, I think that's pretty amazing

enjoy your sunday!
D
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