adore79

Farea, you might find this site helpful:


RAINN | Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network | RAINN: The nation's largest anti-sexual assault organization.One of ?America?s 100 Best Charities" ?Worth magazine

ClayTheScribe

Here's a service in South Australia:

Yarrow Place | Rape and Sexual Assault Service

Faerie

Well it just keeps getting worse for me.

Yesterday did not go well but at least I did it. I took my therapist's advice and told J I needed a 3 month break to make up my mind if I wanted to continue the relationship or not. I told him that at the moment I didn't trust him and could not forgive him. There was much crying on both sides and one hell of a lot of begging on his. I stood strong though and I'm proud of myself for doing so. He denied he's a rapist and whilst he SAYS he understands the ramifications of what he did I think he is only sorry because he knows he is going to lose me.

He told me he will kill himself if/when I leave him for good. I feel like I'm being emotionally held for ransom. Yet rationally I know it is no my fault if he hurts himself.

I was feeling OK today and had just had lunch and was about to write this post when he called. J said he was seeing a social worker tomorrow to talk about everything and 'wouldn't that make it all OK'. I said no. He then tried to justify what he did to me by saying that other couples wake each other up with sex. I was duly outraged. I said this may be true but that what he did to me was still rape and that after listening to him try to justify his crime yet again I no-longer loved him and it was over for good. He called me a cold hearted bitch and accused me of sleeping with someone else. I was so offended. I can't even have sex with him because of the PTS let alone someone else, let alone it is against my morals to cheat.

I told him I would pick the rest of my stuff up after I'd been to the doctors. [I'm finally seeing a female doctor this arvo] My Mum said it is a really bad idea for me to go around to his place by myself so she and my brother will go and grab my stuff for me later. I love them so much.

So my rapist thinks going to a social worker will fix the relationship and thinks he can justify raping me based on what other couples do. How f**ked up is that?

Now that I've told him it's over for good I'm really scared he's gonna hurt himself as I do still care even though he's lower than pond scum.

I feel awful.

Dee74

I'm sorry you feel so bad Faerie, but you've exceeded your responsibility for J now.
Its time to look after yourself and I'm pleased and proud you're doing that so well.

J did something wrong, something bad - and he has to face the consequences...but I wish noone badly - I hope, as I know you do, that he will seek treatment and he will not self harm.

Keep posting ok?
D

ClayTheScribe

That's the great thing about abusers: they always have excuses for what they did, no matter how bad it is. Sure other couples wake each other up with sex, but when one partner is going through PTSD issues and says "stop" and that other person tries it again, that's rape and a severe breach of trust. You are being held for ransom emotionally and it's not fair. I would say do the same thing to him, but he will do whatever you tell him he must just to talk or get close to you again. I really think you need to contact that rape services place I posted, or any other such place, because they will have far better advice on how to deal with the complexity of what's happened to you than any of us, especially us men. I only know the ba$tard's going to keep trying to manipulate you until you get a better game plan for how to deal with him. Maybe that involves not answering his calls.

Has he previously attempted suicide or shown symptoms of depression in the past? If yes, than you need to handle this delicately. If not, he's probably bluffing just to scare you back into a relationship. He must think highly of himself if he can this easily disregard the emotions of someone he claims to love. He's making this all about him and his needs and fears and not yours. That's a sign that whatever love he had for you has become artificial. Has he even apologized once? By calling you a cold-hearted bitch he's basically admitting he doesn't know what he did was wrong. Hopefully the social worker can tell him it was rape, unless he manipulates that person too. He's angry and threatening suicide because he knows now he'll have to search all over again for someone else to try his little routine with.

I'm sorry this has been so hard for you, but you're doing the right things. Feel proud and realize you're not responsible for his safety. Really do consider calling/visiting a rape crisis center because they'll have better answers than you'll get here. Just know we support you.

Faerie

Thanks Guys, just got back from the female doctor, she was very sympathetic and pretty much reinforced what you guys have said about seeking help from a rape crisis centre [which I will do tomorrow when I have privacy] and said that if he does himself in he kinda deserves it. [She tells it like it is, I like her]

Yes Clay, he does have depression but won't admit to it, he is also addicted to pot which as we all know does not help depression by any stretch of the imagination. He has never tried to kill himself before though.

I feel so much anger towards him which I hope I can let go of soon, maybe I'll never be able to forgive but I want the anger to go. He really set me off with that phone call today trying to justify what he did then accusing me of cheating.

My Mum, bless her, said he was damaged, manipulative, immature and selfish plus possibly dangerous now that he feels he has nothing to lose. I will keep away from him and we are gonna screen all our calls in case he tries to phone me again.

Whilst I'm feeling angry, sad and a little lost I'm glad it is over. I'm glad he pushed me to the point that I no-longer love him, it's easier this way. I'm gonna miss the good things of and it's gonna be hard for the next few months but I know I have ultimately done the right thing so I can feel good about that. Any guy or girl reading this who is in an unhealthy or abusive relationship please learn from my story, walking away is hard but you have to put your own well being first.

At least I'm not alone through this I have my family and all you lovely caring people,

Love to you all, one day my wings will be whole again,

Sikkisirus

You have done the right thing and I applaud you. Your mum is right, this guy is selfish and dangerous and has comitted an unforgivable crime. Please stay safe, im wishing you strength and best wishes.

ClayTheScribe

Someday you will forgive him, because you will have in order to save yourself from your anger. But it's too soon and the wounds haven't healed. Just go to the Rape crisis center and get help on how to better heal your emotional wounds. That's why going to a female counselor is so much better for a woman who's been raped because they're not going to give you any of that ridiculous half-a$$ed $hit about maybe if you can forgive him and get over it. Guy has ruined his chances forever. I don't think he necessarily deserves to die or kill himself (I don't believe in the death penalty for crimes) but his life is in his hands and if he decides to try to absolve his guilt by taking the coward's way out, so be it. The blood's not on your hands. And you have people and will have people around to help you deal with that trauma if it occurs.

I'm just so proud of you for staying strong and doing the right thing. I hope you're not still using, but if you are, be careful, we don't want to lose you.

Faerie

Thanks Clay, I am still using but am being careful.

I was doing so well with weaning myself off but my codeine use has escalated since the rape by J. But I do not blame him for that, he did not put the pills in my hand, I did. I used 30 today [over the course of thee day] not proud of myself, quite ashamed.

But tomorrow is another day and I have a plan in place to help me use the bare minimum. Get up, have my coffee and ciggie [another bad habit I only picked up last year, one of the most stupid things I have ever done] take my dog for a long walk, jump on line and check the new posts, shower, brekkie, 8 pills [safe dose, 8 is the max for 24 hrs as advised on the box] call the rape crisis line and get help, post to update you guys, lunch [gonna go out and treat myself to sushi, yummy and healthy] read for a while, walk dog again, check new posts again and by then my Mum will be back from work and I should be OK for the rest of the day.

I'm gonna try my best tomorrow, I really want to get off these damn pills.

Dee74

Keep trying Faerie - do your best.
Its all any of us can do.

I'm proud of you for staying strong too.
You've got quite a posse in your corner

I know you can kick this codeine thing.
D

littlefish

Please let us know how it goes with the rape crisis center. I cannot recommend them enough. There was a time in the US when there were no rape crisis centers. There was also a time when there were no adequate rape laws: I can sadly remember a time when rape victims would frequently not press charges because they would often be described as being at fault for the rape. All too often the victim's past sex life would be used to incriminate her instead of the rapist.

It was a big change in the court systems when wives and prostitutes actually started to charge rape. Everyone had the idea that a wife couldn't be raped. And, yes, our society thought that a prostitute couldn't be raped either.

I am fortunate enough to know some of the wonderful women who started the first rape crisis centers in the 1970's. They were real pioneers.

Anyway, I am not advocating anything: I won't give you advice how to proceed from this point, but, I am very glad to see you continue to post and I am very glad to hear you are going to a center.

Faerie

Well it's 8:30am and I am feeling like C**p. Worried that I was too harsh on J by telling him outright I didn't love him anymore, what if that puts him over the edge, I may as well have put a gun to his head. OK gotta use my wise mind now [thanks DBT training] if he does something stupid it's not my fault.

Got my stuff back from him last night, my beautiful Dad picked it up [and managed to resist punching J] J told Dad to tell me he was sorry again. It's too late for sorry.

On pressing charges I have decided not to. In Australia they still put the victim on trial and I am not prepared to have my sexual history and what J and I did in bed prior to my PTS used against me. If the system didn't work that way I would certainly press charges. J deserves to be labeled a rapist legally.

Gonna work my plan today, I'm a big fan of having a plan.

I also have a plan B which are my 'crash meds'. My crash meds were put together by my doctor for me to take if I am at risk of hurting myself, feeling really bad and need to escape [and my distractions and other DBT skills haven't worked which usually they do now] or have taken my limit of codeine and am at risk of using more. The meds are 2 neulactils and 3 valium. They knock me out within about an 1 and 1/2 hrs of taking them allowing me to sleep off whatever crisis I am in. I used to need them a lot but now I am getting better at coping with bad times without them and often I just need to know they are there if I need them.

My crash meds are always a last resort though and I try everything else from distraction to calling friends or the mental health crisis line before taking them and if I take them I always let my parents know.

Because of my past overdoses my parents look after all my anti-depressants and only leave out one set of crash meds at a time.

If anyone out there has suicidal tendencies and feels they are at risk talk to your doctor about getting a set of 'crash meds' you can take which will allow you to escape temporarily and safely. DO NOT PUT THEM TOGETHER YOURSELF that is not safe. They are a great last resort when you really need to escape and feel you are at risk of hurting yourself. Remember, the urge to self-harm always passes, it just takes time.

OK getting off of the soapbox now, gonna go do something good for myself and take my gorgeous dog 'Drizzle' for a walk. She's called Drizzle because she peed all over my brother when he first picked her up at the pet store. She claimed him. She's a Llhasa apso- west highland terrier cross and is beautiful. She always comforts me when I cry, which is quite a lot.

Will post later.

Love ya all,

Faerie

Anna

I am glad that you did what you did.

I hope now, that you can focus on yourself and your recovery and getting off the codeine. You have a really supportive family and some good drs on your side, plus all of us here. Take care of yourself!

Dee74

Faerie - J put himself in this position - you didn't.

Be good to yourself today ok?
and hug Drizzle for me

D

Faerie

Ok have walked Drizz and hugged her for Dee. She's the most supportive dog on the planet.

Showered and gone to the shops to pick up sushi for lunch. [something to look forward to, mmmm salmon] I never take pills and drive. If you drink/use and drive you're a bloody idiot in my opinion.

Trying to get up the nerve to call the rape crisis centre. Not quite sure why I'm so nervous, I guess it's because I'll have to talk about all three attacks. But I know I need to do it.

The reason I use is because of my emotional pain. If I can find a way of dealing with my emotional pain in a healthy way I can stop using. I guess that's how it is for all of us here. We all have or had a reason for using and the only way to stop is to get to the crux of your problems that cause you to self medicate.

I repressed the first rape for 12 years which led to problem drinking in my teens [now I'm a moderate drinker] a pot addiction which I have kicked in the arse and now a codeine addiction. Repressing, denying and holding on to your problems, shame and guilt can lead to drug/alcohol dependence as many of us know.

I'm ready to deal with my problems now, I finally found the courage to tell my parents, friends and new psychologist about the rapes 7 weeks ago and felt better once I did. Sadly it happened again last Monday.

If anyone reading this is still harboring issues deep inside find someone you can trust and talk about them, it will help you with your recovery.

Gonna procrastinate for a little but longer then bite the bullet and call, will update after I speak with someone. I'm sure it will be like ripping off a band-aid I just have to do it and it really won't hurt too much. I know I'll feel better after.

Thank you all for your continuing support and your belief in me, I believe I can beat this too.

Much love,

ClayTheScribe

Good for you Kel. Keep on the track you're on. Just remember that the people at the rape crisis center have heard stories like yours thousands of times and they will not judge you, but empathize with your pain and support you. They're likely going to tell you did the right things and help you treat your PTSD. I'd still suggest asking your therapist about EMDR. While I feel J should spend some time in jail, I support you in your reason not to press charges. He may do this again, but that's not your fault and is out of your hands. You didn't create the monster. I think he needed to be told you lost your love for him so he can let go and move on, though he might spiral down for a while. I am curious why valium, an addictive drug, would be a part of the plan B for someone with a codeine addiction? There's plenty of non-addicting medications like trazedone that knock you out just the same, and it's an anti-depressant. It seems like taking valium, a depressant, would make your condition worse. But I'm not a doctor so I'll just shut up. :-)

Do you have Narcotics Anonymous meetings where you live? If you do I'd recommend going to one to get more help from others, in person, for how to treat your drug addiction. Though that will never end until you treat your PTSD which, from what I have heard, can be a slow process. But you've already got such a good head on your shoulders you're ahead of the game.

Good luck and take care

Dee74

Do call the centre - like Clay said - they're professionals, y'know?
and for purely selfish reasons I want to know one of my mates is getting good advice

and I'm very jealous of yr sushi. lol

D

Faerie

Hi Clay, was wondering where you had got to. lol.

I have valium because of my anxiety. Since I have been on it, which has been about 5 years I have cut down from 7 a day to 2 a day 1 in the morning and 1 a night. I know it is an addictive drug but at the moment I need it. I don't need the crash meds often anymore. My depression may not be getting much better but my coping skills are. DBT is great.

Gonna finish watching the news, have a ciggie [bad, deadly habit I know, someone spank me, PLEASE] and then I'm gonna call. Thank you Dee for giving me the numbers.

Will update when I get off the phone, I know they will help me.

Dee74

I'm so glad you don't need the crash meds
and this is for the cigs



good luck with the call. I know all of us here are with you
D

ClayTheScribe

Yeah I'm around. Just trying not to go crazy with my parents hounding me about getting a job. It sucks I get no down time between college and the working world, but oh well. Have to make money and feed the corporate machine.

I'm taking Wellbutrin to cut the nicotine cravings. You might want to look into that. There's also an electronic cigarette that gives you nicotine vapor, supposed to help you get off the real thing.