LosingmyMisery

Tossing away my soul for a bottle. I purposely didn't use the word "sell" because I got absolutely nothing in return, but misery, not much of a bargain if you ask me.

TTOSBT

Feeling so completely alone.

dedubya

not having control of my own brain mainly- then,,,,,
detoxing- it only lasted two days- but I stayed 10 (in a detox facility) but it sucked (the first two days)- after that I felt like a new person with a great view of the beauty of life- but detox does suck but if you dont you are basically giving your life to a drug. HOWEVER- dont ever forget the beauty afterwards....just my advice. alcohol doesnt do anything positive for your life- period. there are other things healthier and more fun...I am not a genius however. just my opine.
dub

gravity

The last few years of my drinking, there were only 2 positives that I can think of: an hour or two of relaxation/getting out of my head (then straight to out of control/blackout drinking) & the company of one good drinking friend (love the guy like a brother but my sobriety comes first).

Now some of the negatives: Serious risk of losing my family (my wife & kids), my job, & my sanity (self hatred, fear, guilt). Putting myself in very dangerous situations (some of the bars & parties I'd end up at - people carrying weapons). Damage to my health. The hurt I was causing my family (my sister told me that when I would disappear on a bender, she used to wonder if I was still alive). Some of the superficial stuff: I looked like ****, my reputation, the money, losing things (jackets, cell phones).

Ugh!

Make your own list. See what you come up with!


p.s. You know what I find more helpful? Writing a list of the reasons I love sobriety. That list is endless...

rider

the absolute worst was those occasions when I alcohol poisoned myself so badly that i'd be sitting on the toilet having diarrhea and trying to puke in the sink (or a bucket) at the same time. gross!. then i'd lay down for a bit and get up and do it again, and again, and again.... for hours....and the NEXT day was totally worthless also.

i've run into McDonald's (hungover and driving to work) cuz they had public restrooms. so I'd go and throw up there, then proceed to down a high fat breakfast to sop up the alcohol, then go sit at my desk and feel like crap all day.

i think driving with a hangover is just as dangerous as driving drunk.

saying and doing ridiculous things is right up there at the top of my list too.

BloodnbonE

for me umm

blackouts
embaressing ****
destruction of the body which caused physical pain and disorders
buggered memory
losing brain cells
losing friends
losing family
getting fat
feeling sick
looking sick
feeling old
looking old
losing jobs
wasting money
losing stuff when drunk particularly money and cell phones
forgetting to do things that need to be done
twisted emotion and irrational behaviour
waking up the next day after a hard night on it
drink driving and risking yours and the life of others
depression
anxiety
going crazy
suicidal thoughts
lying
breaking promises
not achieving anything
not learning


theres heaps i could think of

rider

now THAT is a wicked good list! can totally relate....to all of it.

KenL

The worst part of drinking? Losing our sense of self and peacefulness but also finding it within the realm of oblivion. Oh, the contradiction. Where do we find this road to reason? We're so conflicted and so searching. Our souls are amidst trying to find that which we cannot find on this place we call Earth. We look for something so ethereal and so connected to what God may want us to be but we don't find it and and that is what keeps us in this world of despair. Only a true connection with God will we find the solace that we seek. Finding the connection, for me, is the hardest thing.

maz09

worst thing for me was when I was the snappy bitch the next day and couldn't spend quality time with my daughter and told her to go off and play on her own and I couldn't read her a book because I had a headache or go outside and play in the sun because the sun was too blinding, that's the main thing that was the worst looking back. I feel like an evil witch. Another thing was after you drink a while it takes more alcohol to get to the point you want to get to, and I remember I would drink alot and feel like I wasn't effected by it. I wanted to be that happy drunk that I was before and I wasn't feeling that so I would become angry and that wasn't good. I'm thankful that I saw what had become of me and I am turning it around.

Tazman53

Fear!

Fear of people who did not know I was drunk finding out (Turned out almost every one knew but me!)

Fear of what I had said or done the night before. (I was in a black out from 5PM until I crashed for the last 5 years?

Fear of facing life.

Fear of getting a DUI.

Self Hatred.

I hated myself for being so weak I could not stop drinking even when I wanted to.

I hated myself for having to tell my family over and over again I am sorry and I will not do it again and that very night I would do it again.

Loneliness

I avoided everything that I could not drink at, I reached the point where I was drinking alone in my garage because I knew that most people did not drink like I did so I avoided people.

Depression

I had nothing to be happy about, I hated myself, I hated the world. Everything I did was wrong, I had to drink even though I wanted to stop. One day I would get drunk off of 6 and the next day I could drink all day long and not even get a buzz.

I existed to drink and drank to exist.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

The above is where my alcoholism took me, I drank in denial for many years before that, I embarrassed myself in front of family, friends and co-workers on many occasions over the years before those last 5 I speak of before, I also embarassed my family friends and co-workers on more then one occassion.

It was not until the very end that I realized I was killing myself and that I was going to die a slow alcoholic death, a doctor did not tell me that, I had a moment of clarity that led me to that conclusion which was verified as a fact by a doctor in detox.

I still have a lot of "YETS" if I started to drink again.

I have yet to be arrested for a drunk in public.

I have yet to kill some one or injure some one while driving.

I have yet to be committed.

I have yet to be homeless.

I know that if I started drinking again that many of the above "YETS" are all strong possibilties because it is a fact that alcoholism is a progressive disease and if I started to drink again in a very short time I would be just as bad as ever and getting worse.

Quse56

Slutting it up while drunk (I made out with another guy at my WEDDING for crying out loud).

Remembering the ridiculous dancing I had done the night before thinking I was hot sh*t.

Obsessing about booze - how much? How many? What kind? When can I start?

Coming up with excuses for missing work.

The looks of "really? She is at it AGAIN?"

Living a complete lie

HANGOVERS

Being a terrible mother


Than you for this thread. I needed to remember

keithj

I felt some external consequences of my drinking. Divorce, wrecked cars, jails, public humiliation, etc.

But by far the worst part was the pretending. I had a disconnect between the person I was (someone living only to drink) and the person I wanted you to think I was. The depression and anxiety of living that lie every day ate my soul. This is the lonliness that other alcoholics know well. Alone no matter where you are, desperate and haunted all the time.

Gypsy Feet

Well, first I got to watch my (ex)husband decline into a disgusting parody of himself. He would (will) vomit on himself, become aggressive, and his health was deteriorating fast.

The worse "thing" for me personally was actually my first day of this sober life. Hearing my daughter tell me what a pig I had been the night before, and knowing not only had my life drastically changed, but I had hurt 15 or so of my favorite people to learn I needed to quit.

coffeenut

By far the worst was being a drunk instead of the mom I could have been. It kills me to this day. It also keeps me sober.

rachelbrittany

this was a great topic - i can relate to everyone's posts!

i almost, can't even remember when drinking was fun, maybe it never was - i swear in the beginning i thought i was awesome, i'd drink so much (always the puker) then i became 'good' at drinking as i got older HA, more like immune, i still drank so much but NEVER puked, i'd always let ppl know hey 'i can hang'..your a guy - i can outdrink yo A$$ lol

but anyway, the worst part i'll say was all of it derrr, but i didn't notice it until recently, the ANXIETY man, i'd always get scared and nervous right b4 drugging or drinking, like sick in my stomach, then have to drink my face off hoping it would go away, sometimes it did, sometimes it didn't, then that's where i'd look to other substances.

relationships were tough, anyone that wanted to close to me, nope sorry..well maybe i'd give ppl a shot, but if they 'couldn't hang' (or were as sick as me pretty much haha) then id get 'bored' and ditch them on to find some more crazy ppl like myself to occupy myself, same goes guys/girls, anyone.

DRIVING, whew, ive gotten 2 dui's im 23 yrs old, i never lost my license so i pretty much didn't learn completely. I mean i knew better to not drink and drive, but i'd let other ppl cus they were taking me to get drugs/drinks, i could give a crap ya know? SELFISH!!!!

hmm promiscuity. gross. always needing attention, i hated that about myself. in a relationship or not, i was eying your man, your girl, your friend, anyone for attention - it was sick, and it only happened when i was drinking, catch me on a sober day and i am so not interested, i have a bf, for 3 years now..and thankfully ive somehow stayed faithful.


$$$$$ def. - paychecks came and went faster each pay period..always broke by Monday, ALWAYS. it's refreshing being sober and actually having money left over on the weekend.

it honestly just takes you so deep into the darkness that you don't even know where and when and how it happened. the day you do realize it, its beautiful, esp. when your ready to work on it.

44 days sober and counting

matt88

Absolute worse for me was the DT's and everything that goes with those.

Recently it's been the way alcohol messes with my sleep patterns and gives me temporary insomnia due to having slept for 12 hours or so while passed out. That and also recently, its seemed that I've started getting aches, little internal pains, and a general feeling of rawness internally after drinking.

beth0225

today is day 1 for me. id have to say that being sick every morning is the worst. i dont know why i did this to myself.......

Amazonqueen522

Not remembering their names!!! if you know what I mean!

north

Hangovers that started to get worse and worse as I got older.... I used to not get them at all, and would feel pretty smug and superior to my colleagues at work who were struggling with theirs in the morning. Then at some point, they started hitting me but were generally over by noon. Nothing a good lunch couldn't fix. Then, hangovers that came with a second wind that seemed to continue into the next day. That really sucked especially when I realized how much effort I had to put into my mornings to get up and off in time.

The partial blackouts were also bad. Over the next day or two, bits and pieces of conversation and events would come back to me -- about 25% of time, embarrassing acts or actions I later regretted. Sometimes, I'd trigger a recollection after I found a receipt in my pocket indicating I dropped $500 in one night of drinking at a single club.

That led me to another problem. Figuring out a way to justify all the drunken booze-filled expenses on my claims. Inevitably, I fudged, lied and made up false claims on a regular basis by claiming they were all legitimate business-related entertainment. Since it bugged the Hell out of me, I'd naturally procrastinate on the paperwork or outsource it to one of the assistants (I finally found one - enabler - who'd cleverly write in the standard explanatory text without prompting - and could figure out which receipts could pass muster (eg not the ones from the lap dancing club!)).

In sum, I suffered with my health, reputation/integrity and wallet...

Gypsy Feet

Sexy! How about, not remembering their names, but remember they drooled, had performance issues and collected cabbage patch dolls?