C23

Ok,

Here is the situation. I have not had a sip in about 8 weeks. I am very proud of this fact and so are many others around me, except for my wife. I had a long talk with my mother in law yesterday who had an argument with my wife about her obvious lack of enthusiasm over my sobriety. My wife feels that it is 100% my responsibility to fix what I have damaged over the past 4 years. She feels why should she help mend the seperation that my drinking caused. My MIL thinks she needs to do the opposite or it may cause me to go back to srinking. SHe asked my wife a good questiopn "would you stop doing something someone asked you to do if it wasn't going to change anything?" They both answered that they wouldn't and wouldn't have any motivation to do it. Now, I know that my motivation to stop drinking should be for me, but you can see where we are coming from. My wife is not supportive as I achive more and more days of sobriety. SHe never says any words of encouragement, and I am not sure she should. The question I have is what do you guys think. Are my MIL and I over reacting? Is my wife right that all of this is on me?

Anna

I was completely on my own too. I had to get and stay sober for myself. I desperately wanted my family to understand what I was going through. I had to accept that they didn't want to be involved and it was one of the hard lessons of recovery that I learned.

This is about you and what you need to do. Your wife will figure out what she needs to do, and as long as you focus on yourself, you'll be fine.

justanothrdrunk

There's your stuff and then there's her stuff. You take care of your stuff. And she's supposed to take care of her stuff. Just like anything else.

I don't except encouragement or priase from my wife. I don't think anyone should expect praise for doing something they are already supposed to be doing.

What I do expect from my wife is support in that she allows me to do what I need to do to stay sober. I need to go to AA. I need to spend time in fellowship with other alcoholics. I need to meet with my sponsor regularly. I need there to be no alcohol in the house, etc.

keithj

I have found, as have many others, that sobriety is not enough. It is a beginning only. 2 months is a long time without a drink. That is a great start. But it doesn't do a thing to repair the damage I have caused. Whoever else may hold some fault or blame is none of my concern. Have I caused harm to others? If so, and it's always so, I have a responsibility to make up for that harm. I set things right where I can.

More importantly, I am willing to set things right. It's a dangerous thing for an alcoholic to try and parcel out where the blame goes, who is responsible for what, and what encouragement they need. This is a resentment even if you don't think it is. And resentments are deadly to alcoholics.

Congrats on the two months. Now there is action and more action that many recovered alcoholics have found necessary to take.

catch-22

my wife never believed a word I was saying because I never kept my word and relapsed so many times... I suppose you'll have to do it for yourself...

tamcor123

When i first entered recovery the question was asked to what length i would go to get sober, i said any. The next Q's seemed odd to me at the time, they said even if i lose my family and or wife. i said yes thinking that was never going to happen. They were going to be so proud of me for getting help and they would be so supportive that this was going to be the start of a new relationship and a good one. Well let me share some insight, My wife was not supportive, down right angry about my recovery,which at the time was upsetting to me, well i have been sober 12 years now and am still married 19 years. my wife is more supportive however she does not attend anything like alonon or such but is ok when i do. The reason iam sharing this is that relationships take work, alot of work and we usually are just learning to have good relationships once we get sober, so it takes time, As much as i would love for my wife to get the help she needs i can only take care of me and do the next right thing, for me that means My higher power first, Me second and my family 3 but out of these 3 things number three takes the most of my time because its the hardest,but also very rewarding and fun, i would recommend getting on with your sobriety and not hers so you can bring the best man/woman to the table you can,if you have any chance of being happy with your spouse.

jamdls

That's a great post Just! I'm not married so I don't understand what it would be like but this post is applicable in any situation.

four812

does you wife drink? if so she could be missing her drinking buddy

catch-22

so, wives and partners are understandibly angry, because after the pressure of living with a drunk, now there's the pressure of recovery... before it was the selfish drunk whose only wish was to drink and f*** the rest and now there's the recovery guy who's only thinking about himself and the recovery... it never ends for them!

Personally, as a husband, I'm stuck... I want to take care of myself, but I don't want to inflict even more misery with my selfishness in recovery...

Mark75

I am clean and sober 10 months...

My wife and I get along fine. Married 25 years in September and we are soul mates. She resents very much the cost, financial and otherwise, my addictions have had on us. She offers very little in the way of encouragement and still pours herself a white wine spritzer every night...

But my recovery is not her job.

It is all on you C23. She didn't cause your drinking (unless she poured it down your throat), she couldn't control it and she can't cure it.

She is responsible for her own recovery. That's it... She should love you, be a faithful and willing companion, support you overall in life as you do her.

Damn, This addiction and recovery thing is the first real big challenge we've had. And in some ways it's a lonely journey I wish we could could share. We can't, but we can continue to share our lives together.

Do you have a support group... AA?

Mark

Mark75

Oh one more thing, as a fellow friend (I hope) and traveller in recovery. A piece of friendly advice...

Get your mother in law out of this issue completely, totally, nada, forever,..... OMG, the problems that will come out of the two of you conspiring against your wife.... I know, I know... you are not conspiring AGAINST your wife... but that is how she will see it... it is none of your MIL's business....

My wife would probably not speak to me for weeks if I complained to her mother that she was not being supportive.... oh, the horror, I cannot imagine...



Mark

citygirlalways

Could you sit down and talk with your wife and tell her how you are feeling? I mean, could you sit her down, explain that you really would appreciate her encouragement and support while you get sober, and ask her how she is feeling, and what she needs from you as well. It could be that her needs are not being met either. I know from my own personal life that when my needs are not being met, it is difficult to be there for others. Maybe you could both help each other and support each other, and end up becoming a better couple because of it.

justanothrdrunk

I think we all have a choice here. I can choose to do what I need to do for my recovery. And my wife can choose to accept it or not. I can't think of any situation where the alternative (me getting drunk) is better than be being in recovery.

And if my wife can't accept what I NEED to do in order to stay sober, than I have another choice to make. What's more important to me, my recovery or my wife? And that's a tough one... I hope I'm never in that situation. And really, my wife wouldn't be accepting of me getting drunk either. So I might lose her anyway given that situation. I might as well stay happy and sober and single if she's going to leave one way or another anyway.

tommyk

"Is my wife right that all of this is on me?"

Whether she is right or wrong... it is all on you... right?

We are rarely rewarded for discontinuing bad behavior... rewards are for good behavior.

When you continue to prove yourself to be a 'changed' person, she will notice the change.

The people in AA understand what we're going through, and they provide fantastic support.

smacked

The pain we cause is often immeasurable. How long did you drink? How many months or years does she have built up in her filled with pain, disappointment, frustration.. her recovery is very much HER own.

I wouldn't hold my husband accountable or responsible for one iota of my recovery.. it has to be all me, it's totally my responsibility.

We have recently begun participating in couples counseling outside of my recovery work and it's been very helpful...I've been sober for a year, next month.

stone

I am not referring to the OP's post I just like this!


C, eight weeks isn't very long for her to start trusting you again IMO.

coffeenut

I'm on my own in sobriety, too. It's my problem....not my husbands. My husband has lost his drinking buddy. Supporting me in sobriety is not his idea of a good time.

Oooooooooh, and I do agree w/Cubile.....leave your MIL OUT of it. I'd kill my husband if he did that.

bdiddy5522

I wish I could help you buddy. I feel for you, and know that you are struggling with this. I am back on the wagon again after my 2 week relapse and am feeling great again. I guess the reason I can't help you is because my wife doesn't even know I have a problem. I kept it so well hidden with vodka stashed in the garage, etc. So I don't feel that my marriage has suffered like yours maybe has. All I can say is I am here for you anytime brother.

Fubarcdn

We have both been around since January C23 and I don't know if your situation is the same as mine but I know it is similar.
I am on an ultimatum to quit drinking or our 30 year marriage is over.
When I quit in January and made that first very difficult first month I also expected some kind of pat on the back which is something I did not get.
Ditto for the second and third month and still no real encouragement.
I was a little disappointed I must admit, after all I am doing this for her.blah, blah, blah.
I now realize I am doing it because my marriage is more important to me than drinking. Plain and simple.
Whether I drink again if our relationship ends is something I will not speculate on but I do know that my marriage is more important to me than drinking and as long as we are together I will not drink and she has made the commitment that as long as I don't drink she will stay with me.
For me that is all the encouragement that I need.
If you are in the same boat think about this and if it is a different boat still think about it.

flutter

Hun, it's just 8 weeks. I know that my relationship w/ my husband was very rough for the first several months. He had to get to know me all over again, and fall in love with me again. Like another poster said, the damage we cause is huge.. and in no way have I ever expected my husband to step up and take part in helping me, when I do have all the tools I need to help myself. Anything he's done, has been out of support, and love.. never my expectation.

When I first got sober he said things like 'we'll go celebrate each month', etc.. and we never did. At first I was like heyyyy no fair, but then I realized how incredibly selfish that was of me to even entertain thinking. He has given me a high five and a "good job baby" each month when I mention it, and honestly that's more than he should. THIS IS HOW WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE. There's no congratulations for doing what you should.. the congrats in the end is certainly going to be a better marriage, and better life... wayyyyyy down the road.

It's just 8 weeks I know I drank like a fish for years, and hopefully it doesn't take THAT long to rebuild what I damaged and mangled. Work on you, let her heal.