rightonac

My wife wants to help and provide support as I recover. What can she do?

This is a somewhat typical interaction regarding the subject:

Last night she asked me “how are things going?” I thought about how I should answer for a moment before settling on offering the truth: “I have been feeling sad and lonely lately.”

My answer opened her fear and resentment spigot, and after our talk I felt like complete crap. The ironic bit is that I feel lonely mostly because I don’t have a private home place to share my sadness and loneliness. I have other places to share these feelings, but regret that it hurts us to share with her.

The experience is not going to become an excuse for drinking. I am continuing to add components to my recovery as needed.

Anyone else have similar experience? Have you found ways to share negative emotions with loved ones without inciting additional negative emotions?

Dee74

I think it's very difficult for our partners.
I think they suffer just as much from our alcoholism as we do.

As you say, you have your places to share - does she have any?
A lot of people find AlAnon very useful.

D

tommyk

I think it might be like a scientist coming home to his wife and sharing laboratory formulas and such.

She simply does not understand your disease, right?

I suspect that if you share in meetings and around people who DO understand the disease your wife will notice the change in you though.

Jomey

Hey Right - I don't know how long you have been sober and how long you were drinking before that, but you may want to talk with your wife sometime when you are feeling very positive about your recovery.

I needed a lot of space from my husband and my kids for the first few weeks of sobriety. I realized that I just had to ask for it and accept my husband's response, which wasn't entirely positive. Mainly because he was confused and we were all on shaky, unexplored ground.

When you can sit and talk with your wife, reassure her that you are commited to sobriety, and you appreciate everything she offers you, tell her how you feel. Early recovery can be a like a roller coaster, your needs may change day to day, hour to hour, even minute to minute. Let her know that you don't intend to hurt her with anything you say, but that this is a (presumably) huge change for you, and that you want to be honest and forthcoming in your relationship, and that you can't predict what your needs will be as continue your recovery journey.

Allow her to tell you how she feels, and accept it for what it is. Again presumably, she's been hurt in one way or another by your drinking, and your recovery is an uncharted journey for her as well.

And, last of all, of course, stay sober. Actions speak louder than words.

I am guessing you are in a fairly early stage of your recovery, so don't be too hard on either of you.

Good luck!
Jomey

MycoolFitz

Welcome to my world. Its a tricky path to walk. My wife wants to support and know how I'm doing but she's also angry at the drunk me and unsure of who the sober me is. It's easy for her to feel locked out of my recovery. Sometimes her support turns controlling and sometimes resentful and sometimes supportive. We've started couple counseling,we'll see.I think she feels a little lost and left out. When I was active she could blame everything on that. Now she doesn't have quite the sitting target. Sometimes I think she misses the normalacy of the alcoholic craziness. My best to you.

Anna

I was completely on my own when I stopped drinking, in that my family had disengaged. They didn't want to talk to me about recovery at all. I felt almost desperate at first because I wanted so badly, for them to understand. They didn't want to talk about it then, and now years later, they still don't. On the upside, it made me recognize that I needed to do this for myself and that was a big step forward.

Be patient with your wife and your relationship and have faith that things will work out.

least

I can't share negative feelings with my family cause my sister doesn't want to hear and and mom doesn't understand. I don't share such feelings with my kids either for fear of bringing them down. That's where my counselor comes in handy, as I can talk to her about anything and she doesn't judge, only offers suggestions

Has your wife considered AlAnon for her own support? Might be worth a try. Suggest it to her and see what she says.

rightonac

Thanks for the discussion. My wife attends and appreciates alanon. I share negative feelings with a counselor, and that is helpful. We also see a couples' counselor, and that is helpful.

Sharing the good with her, while continually finding a productive way to deal with the bad at other places, is the best answer I reckon. But it's a delicate dance.

KenL

Hey there righton. It's a tough thing you're going through. You want acceptance from your wife and perhaps aren't getting it. I think that what Jomey said is quite salient for how to deal with things. Please reread what she said and really consider what she's saying in her post. It really gets to the heart of things in my opinion. Nicely done, Jomey! Those are words we can all learn from in regards to relationships.