Notices

First the sobriety, now the social awkwardness :(

Old 07-20-2009, 04:07 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 35
First the sobriety, now the social awkwardness :(

Hello people, this is a question I raised on SoberRecovery chat yesterday (thanks greatly to those who responded yesterday ), and I wish to put it out to all of you for your thoughts.

I'm quite sociable, but this was greatly helped by the drink. Ever since I've stopped, I'm found myself much more socially awkward around people - and more boring and less witty as well. Since I spend much of my time meeting new people, I'm starting to feel that without a drink, I can't open up or be socially free and normal without a drink to help me, and it is getting me down. People just seem to be terse, and then the conversation dies. It's particularly unsettling since I am now looking for new friends who I can exist with outside the pub.

How many of you have had this issue in your early recovery, and what did you do about it? Any responses would be greatly appreciated.
BenMacdui is offline  
Old 07-20-2009, 04:16 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Astro's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 22,950
Hi Ben, welcome to SR, I'm glad to hear you're using the chat room here.

I was very anti-social in early recovery, and for most of my drinking career I used alcohol to get me past those fears, I think it's a pretty common trait among alcoholics.

To get past it I had to force myself to look people in the eye, and to hold out my hand and introduce myself. One thing that has helped me immensely is to be a greeter once a week at AA meetings, I've been doing that for 4 years now. And the funniest thing, when I hold my hand out and say hello, or smile at someone, usually they're very friendly in return.
Astro is offline  
Old 07-20-2009, 04:17 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,047
I think most of us have faced this Ben.

I think we relearn how to interact, but soberly.

It can take a while, especially if your group of mates remain the same, but like anything it does get better with experience.

I'm a far bit older than you so, for me, it was time to stop pretending I was 18.
Now, without being a recluse or avoiding situations, I'm a lot less 'social' - and I like it that way.

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 07-20-2009, 04:27 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true
 
Sweets79's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by BenMacdui View Post
Hello people, this is a question I raised on SoberRecovery chat yesterday (thanks greatly to those who responded yesterday ), and I wish to put it out to all of you for your thoughts.

I'm quite sociable, but this was greatly helped by the drink. Ever since I've stopped, I'm found myself much more socially awkward around people - and more boring and less witty as well. Since I spend much of my time meeting new people, I'm starting to feel that without a drink, I can't open up or be socially free and normal without a drink to help me, and it is getting me down. People just seem to be terse, and then the conversation dies. It's particularly unsettling since I am now looking for new friends who I can exist with outside the pub.

How many of you have had this issue in your early recovery, and what did you do about it? Any responses would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Ben,

I understand what you're saying. I have this to a certain extent.

When I would drink I would become more social and actually care to make small talk lol. I would be really talkative and less shy in social situations. With me, it generally depends on the type of social situation I'm in. If it's a classroom/work envrionment I tend to just listen and not participate that much. If I feel the need to say something I will. Other than that I don't have much to say.

I haven't been going out like I did when I was drinking, so I'm not sure how I'd be. I wouldn't be as anxious if it's a situation where I know everyone. I am just going through it. I don't really have an answer on how to deal with it. I am just hoping with more sober time it will become easier to be in social situations.

I made a post in the Anxiety Forum about fear of speaking in front of a group of people. That is something I'm petrified of, and I have to do it in a few months. I am trying to mentally prepare myself for it. It's hard enough just being in a classroom right now. I was used to having a few drinks just to take the edge off before going into a social situation. I would feel more confident and relaxed which made it easier to interact.

I plan on picking up a self-help book on the topic of Anxiety. (Not sure if you just feel socially awkward AND anxious) I know there must be some mental exercises to help with this.
Sweets79 is offline  
Old 07-20-2009, 06:30 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
CarolD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I am now looking for new friends who I can exist with outside the pub.
I found mine in the rooms of AA.
There are all orts of activities to do and
new friends waiting to meet you....

Yes...you too can be sober and
haave an exciteing social life.
CarolD is offline  
Old 07-20-2009, 06:39 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
problem with authority
 
FightingIrish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 870
I was very awkward in early sobriety. I too had used drinking for a long time to "open up" my personality with other people. I had a hard time going to meetings and introducing myself to other people. One of the things that helped was getting a coffee commitment at a meeting I had been going to regularly. Being the first one there, you're sort of forced to introduce yourself to people. Also, newcomers who show up tend to assume that you belong there and know what you're doing, so they ask you all sorts of questions. Then one day it hit me: being socially awkward is an incredibly self-centered way to move through the world. Now I don't doubt that some people have depression, or post acute withdrawal, or sometimes you just don't feel like being social, and that's fine. But the humility I am occasionally graced with by doing the work of the A.A. program helps me to accept where I'm at, but to show up anyway. It's not about how I look or who is thinking what about me, because most of the time I'm the only one thinking about me. It's about being helpful to the next person who walks through the door. It's not about being the funniest, the smartest, or the most awkwardest, or the shyest. I have made it a practice to say "awkwardness is a choice" to people, and it has a way of pissing them off. I believe it's true, for me anyway.
FightingIrish is offline  
Old 07-20-2009, 06:53 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
sfgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 679
I was super social before in sobriety I have realized that my true self isn't really as social as I had myself believe— meaning when I slowed down and listened to what I really wanted, a lot of that was alone time and reflection. I was a really serious and shy child so it is no surprise that I am falling back into that. That being said the first six months of sobriety I was a hermit. I didn't want to hang out with people, so I didn't. I just listened to my body.

After six months I finally felt like being social again. It has been difficult. A large part of it has been that in the environments where I was previously super comfortable, "night spots," I no longer am. In early sobriety, I put a lot of that on myself. Now, I see it differently. I don't really want to interact with people who are drinking a lot. I don't like interacting with people on a superficial level— quickly, in the dark, in loud places. During daylight hours in a way I am fine maybe because those hours were easier to reprogram. I got a dog, a super cute dog, the kind of dog people are obsessed with, an "ice-breaker" dog and he has helped me talk to all sorts of people. I am not kidding here, he almost gives me that bar-type interaction during the day on the streets but it is so much better! It is easy to talk to people when it is about something you love and when you have this thing that starts the conversation. I have made friends through my dog. At night now and in my general life I am struggling with friends and social issues. All my friends still drink mainly. I have a couple who do not, but I really need more in recovery friends because I just find myself drawn towards different activities and find my "using" friends do not always understand or are there for me when I am having a difficult time around drinking or recovery. I also find that they have a different idea of fun. It is a slow process, learning to be social again, making that change, finding the right people, but hopefully it will all work out.
sfgirl is offline  
Old 07-20-2009, 06:59 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
MycoolFitz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
Actually, it may be a matter of opinion. I know a lot of sociable, funny, life of the party drunks who suddenly turned into A**holes when I sobered up. Of course, I now realize that I was one of those body parts when I was active.

Sober Song

by Barton Sutter


Farewell to the starlight in whiskey,
So long to the sunshine in beer.
The booze made me cocky and frisky
But worried the man in the mirror.
Goodnight to the moonlight in brandy,
Adieu to the warmth of the wine.
I think I can finally stand me
Without a glass or a stein.
Bye-bye to the balm in the vodka,
Ta-ta to the menthol in gin.
I'm trying to do what I ought to,
Rejecting that snake medicine.
I won't miss the blackouts and vomit,
The accidents and regret.
If I can stay off the rotgut,
There might be a chance for me yet.
So so long to God in a bottle,
To the lies of rum and vermouth.
Let me slake my thirst with water
And the sweet, transparent truth.


Reprinted from Farewell to the Starlight in Whiskey, Rochester: BOA Editions, 2004, by permission of the author.
MycoolFitz is offline  
Old 07-20-2009, 08:20 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
6/20/08
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
Social situations in early sobriety were tough. Everything in early sobriety was tough, come to think of it!

Give yourself some time to adapt to this new life. It's worth it.

Welcome to SR, too!
coffeenut is offline  
Old 07-20-2009, 10:09 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
hendershot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 285
I totally relate to your post. The awkward feelings for me have fluctuated over my eight months of sobriety, gone for awhile but back recently. Anyway, one thing to realize: there is a difference in feeling awkward and being awkward. That is, just because you didn't feel awkward when you drinking, doesn't mean you weren't. Alcohol turns off our insecurites and make us feel as if we are being cool as sh**, doesn't mean we actually are, our perception of it is impaired. And just because you feel awkward now, doesn't mean you actually are. I know for me I tend to think of myself as a 0 or a 10. If I am not the wittiest, coolest guy in the room, I feel like a 0. Alcohol/drugs made me think I was 10 (but of course I wasn't). There are many areas inbetween and part of recovery is about becoming comfortable with who we are, imperfect but not pathetic. Thank you for your post and good luck.
hendershot is offline  
Old 07-21-2009, 12:03 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 35
Thanks for all your replies everyone.

Was it just a case of waiting to get used to being around people again? It just seems that I'm so awkward and diffident around people at the moment that I wonder how many friends I'll still have this time next year!

I would like to make more friends from AA, and that will slowly happen as I attend more meetings I am sure, but having my whole friendship group from AA may well be nearly as painful for me as having my current drinking friends, simply as a constant reminder of why I met them and of my drinking past.
BenMacdui is offline  
Old 07-21-2009, 01:05 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
bjork's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 257
Ben- thanks for posting this. I am on day 32 and having a lot of the same issues you are talking about. I do know that I have to stay away from the drinking events in order to remain sober. During the day I am always availalbe to do stuff as well as lunch and dinner. Ummm, my friends aren't calling much.....that's ok though.

Everybody knows I'm not drinking right now (to lose weight is what they think). Before I told anybody, people said they could notice something was going on with me (like something was on my mind). People asked me if everything was ok because I just seemed different.

I know that I am acting different b/c I'm not drunk. Yes, I was probably more fun b/c I made them laugh (unfortunately at my expense). Why do I have to be responsible for everybody's fun??? If you aren't good enough company for yourself, what good are you for anybody else? Anyhow, now I just kind of sit back and observe as I am intrigued by the social situations that I used to get so drunk in (not bars....but restaurants, dinner parties, etc.). I am observing other people that I normally perceived through my "wine-goggles". I'm still witty and funny when the moments are right. I just don't see a need to try as hard as I did before. Hmmm.....

Interestingly enough, I feel like I cannot stand any of these people LOL They annoy the heck out of me with shallow, self-absorbed conversations, selfish attitudes, etc. I'm not sure if it's just me being 32 days sober or what. I'm just going to wait this out.

I'm going to start attending meetings soon. This will help me meet some new people who don't drink.

I have been a bit isolated, but I get out everyday. I go to the gym, shopping, etc. I'm just doing different things that my old drinking buddies aren't always interested in doing with me. Nevertheless, I am keeping busy. I haven't felt like hanging out with anybody too much anyhow.

For now, am I socially awkward?.....no. Do I seem different to my old drinking buddies?....I'm sure I do. I remember feeling very awkward at AA meetings. I felt very raw and exposed. Maybe it was because I was Anyhow, I think if I would've kept on goint it would've gotten better with time (and I wouldn't be back on day 32).

I'm just going to keep trucking along and get to know my sober self better, because I know it is a healthier improvement than my old drinking self. If I have to be socially awkward for a few months....I'm OK with it.

I know that even if I am awkward, I am a fantabulous person! Not everybody is going to like me. That's their problem....obviously not mine LOL
bjork is offline  
Old 07-21-2009, 05:21 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
littlefish's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Well my situation has been the opposite. But, I think it is because my drinking became so chronic that I went past the stage of being fun socially. I was extremely nervous going to social events the last five years of my drinking because I repeatedly did stupid things and said stupid things at parties. This had not happened before. I had just reached a point of such chronic drinking that I would arrive smashed at parties and it would be mostly downhill from there.
so, in my case I feel a huge sense of relief now that I am on the same playing field as most folks at a party. I feel calm and collected, not driven to say brilliant and funny things that aren't really brilliant or funny in the foggy clarity of hang-over hindsight. I find myself taking the time to have normal conversations.
Just curious: does this awkwardness hit you in all social settings, or just the party atmosphere?
littlefish is offline  
Old 07-21-2009, 05:40 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freeport's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 246
I was socially awkward when I was drinking and I still am. That said, there's a part of me that feels more confident now (71 days) in social situations. To play off Bjork's point, I know there's now a significantly lower possibility of me making an a$$ out of myself. Also, unlike the guy leaning over me telling me a dumb story with beer breath, I'm trusting my instincts better when speaking up. I'm the guy I trust to drive my family or anyone else home. And unlike most other people present, I don't think I'm anywhere near as irritating. Bottom line, Ben, I feel more confident socially sober and I think you should, too.
Freeport is offline  
Old 07-21-2009, 06:43 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
I suppose it comes down to the fact that you cant have it both ways.

I can't remember your posts but I am assuming there is a pretty major reason why you have come to SR and AA and am guessing it's related to alcohol causing you major problems in your life.

I suppose you have to weigh up what will be in your overall interest; Continue drinking alcohol and feel loose/free/relaxed/comical around strangers but likely turn into an ******* who no-one will wan't to be around, due to lack of self-control with alcohol consumption, or accept that using a chemical substance is NO LONGER AN OPTION for you personally and so if people like you for who you are then great, if not then it's their loss TBH. I'm sure over time your confidence levels will grow etcetcetc.

These are reasons that I have used to continue drinking though I would just end up wanting to get totally obliterated and end up buying drugs and going to clubs/parties/home where the sole intention was getting totally mashed and thus I would be talking sh*t to 'buddies' all night/morning long but i'd likely never see/speak to them again anyway as it was just the drink/drugs talking.

Your choice. make the one which will ultimately make YOU happiest.

Last edited by NEOMARXIST; 07-21-2009 at 06:52 AM. Reason: Spelling mistake
NEOMARXIST is offline  
Old 07-21-2009, 06:45 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Littlefish I know exactly what your talking about. Over the last couple of years I have positively FEARED booze and any parties where it will be at and pretty much avoided anywhere because I know that I will be absolutely obliterated and not liable for my actions etc. Thus I prefered drinking alone anyway or only with people who are hardcore mash-heads.
NEOMARXIST is offline  
Old 07-21-2009, 07:03 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
shaun00's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
Originally Posted by BenMacdui View Post
Hello people, this is a question I raised on SoberRecovery chat yesterday (thanks greatly to those who responded yesterday ), and I wish to put it out to all of you for your thoughts.

I'm quite sociable, but this was greatly helped by the drink. Ever since I've stopped, I'm found myself much more socially awkward around people - and more boring and less witty as well. Since I spend much of my time meeting new people, I'm starting to feel that without a drink, I can't open up or be socially free and normal without a drink to help me, and it is getting me down. People just seem to be terse, and then the conversation dies. It's particularly unsettling since I am now looking for new friends who I can exist with outside the pub.

How many of you have had this issue in your early recovery, and what did you do about it? Any responses would be greatly appreciated.
alright ben.....sounds abit like my experience.

i used to think i was a social person....the life and soul of the party.

but it was all based on a lie..........the truth is i was a awkward ..shy
and never really learnt to converse or socialize without my "dutch courage"

it takes time ben..imo............its kinda like growing a new skin.

i talked at length about it with my sponsor and he suggested..(with passion) that i make the coffee at a large AA meeting.

put me infront of alot of new people (through gritted teeth) ..that helped...but it took time.

also college helped no end.....helped me to relax around people i dont know.

i suggest you do the opposite to what the fear tells you to do...ie..dont isolate.....in time your find your feet.

any social event away from a bar will be of benefit..
shaun00 is offline  
Old 07-21-2009, 07:19 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
jamdls's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
In the last few years of my drinking I also did most of my drinking alone partly because I'd gotten fed up with listening to all the b.s. that goes along with going out to party. When I did go out I was "the life of the party" but I look back on that with a ton of embarassment and often shame. In my first year of sobriety I was very uncomfortable around most anyone, I didn't have my crutch, my wine, to lean on and it took me time to get to know ME w/o the fog of alcohol. Now that I've gotten to know myself and really LIKE myself my self-confidence has soured and I don't think there is any situation I would fear, now there are situations I would not want to be in like in a room full of people drinking alot but that's because I would find them very boring and stupid. You have to be patient and give yourself time.
jamdls is offline  
Old 07-21-2009, 07:24 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
littlebluedog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Houston
Posts: 309
I've found friends in AA. I didn't talk to anyone but my sponsor for the first few weeks, and even that was hard. Eventually, I forced myself to stick around after meetings, arrived early, and now these people are a huge part of helping me stay sober. I never imagined I could sit in a room for an hour or so and enjoy people's company w/o being buzzed/smashed.
littlebluedog is offline  
Old 07-21-2009, 07:26 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
four812's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
nice thread Ben,

and i can relate. I got fun, romantic(i thought), and courages when drinking with other people. but it wasn't always necessarily a good time. sometimes i was down already and the booze made it worse, and i felt like a bump on a log.

thanks
four812 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:50 PM.