Liberty47

Hello-

I've been in and out, both in the rooms and on the boards. My drug of choice is opiates and alcohol. Jails and institutions, check check. Death- only spared because of the grace of God. I'm trying to make a long story short here- I was one of those addicts that would never be done, got clean only to be able to use again. Behind it all, in my opion, was a complete and utter fear of dealing with emotional pain. God made me many things- unfortunately, I don't think He made me strong.

A miracle seems to have happened. I'm going through one of the hardest times of my life. I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, a chronic illness that can increase depression and at the very least leaves you feeling tired to the bone. ALL the time. There is little understanding of this disease- many seem to think its "not real". Many friends, including what I thought was the love of my life, have abandoned me. This has rocked my world. Emotional pain when the man who used to rub my back all night and promised he would be there forever left- yes, yes, yes! Like I said earlier, God did not make me strong, so I decided to become a full-time alcoholic and pillhead. Well, after only three days of feeding my habit as much as I could, the miracle happened. For the first time in years, I actually wanted to get sober, even with waves of pain washing over me every hour. I can barely get out of bed or bathe, I don't know how I'm going to get through this, but honestly, I'm starting to believe what people have told me for years- that if I can just stay sober, everything will take care of itself. I've been sober for 6 months at one time and I realized something then- if I processed painful events, instead of numbing myself, the pain would go away A LOT faster. Here's where I look to you though, because I can feel the drugs starting to call me back. Has that been your experience too? Like I said, I'm on day 2- I've been crying hysterically all day, but I also feel a little bit better. I never cried when I was using. I just popped a pill or drink to stuff the tears back.

Many thanks and I look forward to your input.

Anna

Hi,

The pain and depression of fibromyalgia was part of what led me to drinking. At the time, I had no idea what was wrong with me. And, my family paid no attention when I told them about the pain I had. Once I was diagnosed and got on the right antidepressant, everything changed. I did many things to help myself, including stopping drinking. I worked on all aspects of my life - meditating, walking, removing stress when possible, taking vitamins, doing whatever I could to feel better.

I am so glad that you are sober and taking care of yourself.

Dee74

Hi Liberty

I'm so glad to read what you wrote. You can do this.

I don't think I processed emotional pain at all when I was drunk or high...the real way, the best way to get over something is to..get over it - go through it, process it, deal with it and move on.
Tears can be cleansing.

I'm sorry for your physical pain too. I self medicated for years for chronic pain.
I'm sure I don't need to tell you the best way to deal with that is in partnership with your doctor.

Pls keep posting...don't turn backwards

D

grateful2b

Hi,Liberty, like Anna, my pain and depression led me to my doc , and I was also unaware that I was dealing with fibromyalgia...I was able to find a doctor who also had fibromyalgia...wonderful!...got the medical support I needed and learned everything I could about fibromyalgia, and found the right supplements , and I discovered some things that helped with my pain: moist heat, hot baths, A535rub, whirlpool, walking everyday.

the three most important things I learned about fibromyalgia were: learn to pace yourself and learn to say no...and ...learn to avoid stress when you can..it will increase your pain, and.....acceptance, oh wait, thats four.
That was six years ago...I have learned to manage my fibromyalgia, except for the odd flare, and in some ways, it has been a gift, but I cannot imagine now, living with fibro and still using....I agree with you about processing painful events. I have learned to just get on with it, the straight line *is shorter than the curvy one...lol
Liberty, congratulations on 2 days...stay close, eh...and hang in there

Liberty47

Thank you all so much- I guess I am lucky that I have worse fatigue then pain- its amazing to hear from other fibro patients- but that said, drinking upped the fibro physical pain to serious levels, all while I was trying to medicate the emotiional pain! I need to just count my blessings. I will love again, I will be loved again, I'm 35, my dream of having children might even come true. If I have to start over, I may as well do it sober. I was I suppose an "AA hater" due to a verbally abusive sponser and some vocal and critical Big Book thumpers which fed my isolation from the program, but I have to do what I have to do to stay sober and this time I'm just going to stick with people who are supportive. I know there are those who feel that you should "approach everyone on a spiritual level" but why hang out with people you plain don't like, even if they are in recovery too? I'm sure there are those who would criticize me for being so "middle of the road", but the point is I am going back to something that I've been wary of for awhile, and my main priority right now is not just to work the program, but to LIKE working the program

sfgirl

Yep, so the answer is that you certainly process it faster when sober because when you are drunk you don't process it at all— I think that is why people say that if you just stay sober everything takes care of itself. In a way, it does. If you stay present in your life and process and deal and sit with the pain and the joy and every emotion of your life then there is nothing out of whack. Good luck. Don't let it lure you back. Keep posting.

Liberty47

Thank you so much. Mornings are the worst, but I know that there will come a time when I won't want to just spend the day in bed, probably not tomorrow but I do think in the next week at least! I will keep posting too, I hope I can give back some of the support that ya'll have given me tonight!

Waterman

Rheumatoid arthritis ain't much fun, either. It's not anywhere to be found in my family, except me....There is speculation that long-term anger and bitterness have caused mine, but who knows? I've been sober for 3 months now, and guess I'm better. Those pain pills can "call" you, though.

grateful2b

I was so focused on your relationship between the fibro pain and your using that I did not address the original question...

I absolutely process everything, including emotional pain more quickly sober...
When I am sober, I am in control, and I have a healthy brain to process with.
Like Dee, I was not able to process anything, high.