please help me to understand my husband's addiction problem
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 2
please help me to understand my husband's addiction problem
My husband is an alcoholic. He refuses to go for help - says he can control it himself. He does this by smoking marijuana on a daily basis and then every 4 to 6 months he will have a drinking binge, scare everyone, cause havoc in our home, apologise, promise it won't happen again and then appear to be on the straight and narrow, although I now know that he secretly smokes marijuana every day.
We have been married almost 10 years and this has been the pattern from the very beginning.
Because I don't want to leave him, I've tried very hard to accept and understand his problem and because of all the stress it causes me, I actually try to ignore it. Of course I know I'm just being an ostrich and that the problem won't go away because I ignore it, but after all the effort, the arguements, tears and worry, I just can't deal with it anymore.
We run a business together and I've found that he often makes spur of the moment decisions which we live to regret later. This is obviously while he's under the influence of marijuana. He will suddenly have a new idea and want to implement it immediately, only to lose interest and leave it to the rest of us to complete or tidy away.
I find myself having to apologise to customers about unfinished work, incomplete orders, phone calls not returned etc etc.
He is very paranoid, thinks everyone dislikes him and imagines things that are just not happening.
He has mood swings and is very quiet and grumpy in the mornings.
Trouble is I never know whether it's the marijuana causing the changes in his personality or whether it's actually him.
Sometimes he's so happy, so energetic and positive. Is this him or the drug?
What can I do to help him? How should I treat him?
We have been married almost 10 years and this has been the pattern from the very beginning.
Because I don't want to leave him, I've tried very hard to accept and understand his problem and because of all the stress it causes me, I actually try to ignore it. Of course I know I'm just being an ostrich and that the problem won't go away because I ignore it, but after all the effort, the arguements, tears and worry, I just can't deal with it anymore.
We run a business together and I've found that he often makes spur of the moment decisions which we live to regret later. This is obviously while he's under the influence of marijuana. He will suddenly have a new idea and want to implement it immediately, only to lose interest and leave it to the rest of us to complete or tidy away.
I find myself having to apologise to customers about unfinished work, incomplete orders, phone calls not returned etc etc.
He is very paranoid, thinks everyone dislikes him and imagines things that are just not happening.
He has mood swings and is very quiet and grumpy in the mornings.
Trouble is I never know whether it's the marijuana causing the changes in his personality or whether it's actually him.
Sometimes he's so happy, so energetic and positive. Is this him or the drug?
What can I do to help him? How should I treat him?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Trust your intuition. Respect yourself.
You both are in business together. Both of you will suffer the same consequences of his drug and alcohol abuse. You can't control it and can't cure it. You may be able to make a difference though.
I suggest you post this in the Friends and Family section as well. There are lot's of people who have wisdom about addiction and their spouses.
Good luck and Welcome to SR!!
Mark
You both are in business together. Both of you will suffer the same consequences of his drug and alcohol abuse. You can't control it and can't cure it. You may be able to make a difference though.
I suggest you post this in the Friends and Family section as well. There are lot's of people who have wisdom about addiction and their spouses.
Good luck and Welcome to SR!!
Mark
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,499
Hi and Welcome,
Your husband will need to decide he wants and needs help for himself. There is little you can do to convince him.
For yourself, you might want to check out NarAnon and AlAnon for support for you.
Your husband will need to decide he wants and needs help for himself. There is little you can do to convince him.
For yourself, you might want to check out NarAnon and AlAnon for support for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 32
Sad. He sounds a bit like a guy I used to date. Marijuana can make people a little bit bonkers if you ask me, if used regularly. Strange lofty ideas, over-enthusiasm about weird things and then the usual lethargy and paranoia that we always hear about. Couple that with alcohol and you have a ticking time bomb. As for me, if I ever had a smoke while drinking it was a sure-fire recipe for disaster, namely getting very high/drunk very rapidly and then getting very sick. It's a bad bad combo.
I don't know what's going on with your husband, but there is a phrase I always repeat in my head, and have repeated it to myself during all the nights I spent drinking alone knowing FULL WELL I was making a grave mistake: "Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain." - Eckhart Tolle. When you are using you are suspending yourself in a sort of limbo so you don't have to deal with anger, sadness, regret, disappointment and many other uncomfortable feelings. And when you stop, it's there to meet you again because you never did really deal with it. I acknowledge this with respect to my own addiction but also addictions that my friends/partners have dealt with as well. No one abuses themselves if they are truly happy and truly love themselves. No one tries to escape their own mind, body and skin if they are truly satisfied with who they are.
I would say your hubby might be battling some feelings about himself that aren't neccesarily of the positive nature. This would have nothing to do with you, bear that in mind. I have had some great partners over the years whom I overlooked because I was too busy engaging in destructive behaviour or wallowing in my own depression and insecurities.
I could be dead wrong, your husband could be a rosey-cheeked, smiling party animal. Or he may be battling some of his own demons. Regardless, he owes you the respect and consideration of communicating with you about this and valuing your relationship enough to go to work on himself.
Please take good care of yourself and make sure you keep yourself focused and happy on your own health and goals. Continue to tell him how you feel and draw attention to that big white elephant sitting there in the room with you two. He has probably (like most of us) operated for a long time under the foolish assumption that no one in his life knows he has a problem. When someone or several people point it out to him, the other shoe will finally drop. Help him if he asks for it but do not enable him to continue using, this never works out well in the end for either party involved.
Put up your dukes and stay strong.
I don't know what's going on with your husband, but there is a phrase I always repeat in my head, and have repeated it to myself during all the nights I spent drinking alone knowing FULL WELL I was making a grave mistake: "Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain." - Eckhart Tolle. When you are using you are suspending yourself in a sort of limbo so you don't have to deal with anger, sadness, regret, disappointment and many other uncomfortable feelings. And when you stop, it's there to meet you again because you never did really deal with it. I acknowledge this with respect to my own addiction but also addictions that my friends/partners have dealt with as well. No one abuses themselves if they are truly happy and truly love themselves. No one tries to escape their own mind, body and skin if they are truly satisfied with who they are.
I would say your hubby might be battling some feelings about himself that aren't neccesarily of the positive nature. This would have nothing to do with you, bear that in mind. I have had some great partners over the years whom I overlooked because I was too busy engaging in destructive behaviour or wallowing in my own depression and insecurities.
I could be dead wrong, your husband could be a rosey-cheeked, smiling party animal. Or he may be battling some of his own demons. Regardless, he owes you the respect and consideration of communicating with you about this and valuing your relationship enough to go to work on himself.
Please take good care of yourself and make sure you keep yourself focused and happy on your own health and goals. Continue to tell him how you feel and draw attention to that big white elephant sitting there in the room with you two. He has probably (like most of us) operated for a long time under the foolish assumption that no one in his life knows he has a problem. When someone or several people point it out to him, the other shoe will finally drop. Help him if he asks for it but do not enable him to continue using, this never works out well in the end for either party involved.
Put up your dukes and stay strong.
Hope3
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 2,155
Welcome, Best you can do for him is to take care of you.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Hope3
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Hope3
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Indiana
Posts: 15
sounds like you have tried to be there for your husband, and it is wonderful that you have stuck by his side. that takes a tremendous amount of strength on your part. but getting help has to come from inside him - he has to understand he has a problem. you may not be suffering from the illness of addiction directly, but the indirect suffering you are experiencing deserves attention. please continue to get help and support from SR as you work through this. prayers and hugs!
"the only thing that will set us free is living through the pain, and the only thing that i guarantee we'll never be the same" -Jacoby Shaddix
"the only thing that will set us free is living through the pain, and the only thing that i guarantee we'll never be the same" -Jacoby Shaddix
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 2
Thankyou all very much for taking the time to read my post and to reply. It's wonderful to have this support.
I do understand that getting help has to be something that he must want to do himself. Over the years I made the mistake of trying to help/force him to seek help. I know better now.
Trouble is that because it effects me so much and I seem to be suffering more than him,I just want to get it sorted.....
My husband is definitely battling within himself and I have to trust that somewhere inside there is a little voice telling him that he's destroying his life and ours too.
He has opened up on the odd occassion and tells me that I have no idea how terribly hard it is to fight this addiction and that he is battling with it each and every day. I admit that I have no idea since I've never experienced it myself.
Still I see so many people recovering. Maybe it takes a certain type of personality?
I will take definitely continue to let him know how I feel though because if I ignore it he thinks there's no problem. Trouble is he thinks it's MY problem and not HIS.
I don't think I'm enabling him, in that I refuse to have drink in the house or grass and he knows he can't do it in front of me. It's all done in secret. But in a way I'm enabling him by allowing him to stay in our home and business. I cover up for him and fix his mistakes. But what else can I do? It's my home and business too and my future.
Thanks again for the support. I will keep posting here.
I do understand that getting help has to be something that he must want to do himself. Over the years I made the mistake of trying to help/force him to seek help. I know better now.
Trouble is that because it effects me so much and I seem to be suffering more than him,I just want to get it sorted.....
My husband is definitely battling within himself and I have to trust that somewhere inside there is a little voice telling him that he's destroying his life and ours too.
He has opened up on the odd occassion and tells me that I have no idea how terribly hard it is to fight this addiction and that he is battling with it each and every day. I admit that I have no idea since I've never experienced it myself.
Still I see so many people recovering. Maybe it takes a certain type of personality?
I will take definitely continue to let him know how I feel though because if I ignore it he thinks there's no problem. Trouble is he thinks it's MY problem and not HIS.
I don't think I'm enabling him, in that I refuse to have drink in the house or grass and he knows he can't do it in front of me. It's all done in secret. But in a way I'm enabling him by allowing him to stay in our home and business. I cover up for him and fix his mistakes. But what else can I do? It's my home and business too and my future.
Thanks again for the support. I will keep posting here.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Hi Becky
I can't add much to whats been said - pls consider AlAnon/NarAnon tho - your partner may be unwilling to do anything but it doesn't mean you can't do anything for yrself.
Also I recommend you check out our F and F forum that Hope linked to above
D
I can't add much to whats been said - pls consider AlAnon/NarAnon tho - your partner may be unwilling to do anything but it doesn't mean you can't do anything for yrself.
Also I recommend you check out our F and F forum that Hope linked to above
D
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