Self-Doubt...and Fear of Failure
 

I read a lot of posts around here...and some of the relapses that have happened lately scare me.

I know what will happen if I pick up again. I almost couldn’t stop the last time. Two and a half weeks of drinking was more than enough for the beast to come out and take over control.

I'm okay right now...but I keep thinking what if something really bad happens? What will I do then? Will I be strong enough to stay sober? Life won't always be roses...so what happens when the sh!t hits the fan? In other words, what happens when I get my first real test?

I know I'm at a strong risk for relapse based upon my history and depression.

I've never made it this long sober.

And I'm scared.

I don't have the urge to use...but I know the potential is always there. I'd be a fool to think I have this thing beat.

The pills and therapy help greatly...but I am aware of how mentally fragile I still am.

Everyone talks about “the voice”. I have it, too…and many days it tells me to give in and give up. It’s very insistent.

It’s hard to learn how to deal with life as it is. It takes a long time.

I’m going to bring up this issue at my next therapy session, but I wanted to put it out here.


I guess the reason why I'm thinking about this is because some good things have happened to me lately and I don't want to lose them.

Great post Bam.

I can relate to what you're saying.

Everything is copasetic right now, but I too, am worried that I might drink again when something I feel I can't deal with happens.

Bam, it's good that you're thinking about this and posting about it.

And, it's great that you recognize the addict voice for what it is. And, then dismiss it. I try to remember that it is what it is. It doesn't control me. And, it IS hard to deal with life as it comes along. It's definitely a journey. But, you will find that each day you get a little bit stronger, and each time you get through something, the next time will be a bit easier.

The thing is...alcoholism (or whatever your addiction) is not some monster waiting to ambush you.

Every day you or I go sober, is another day we learned to cope with life without drinking or drugging.

I dealt with some pretty heavy stuff - breakups, moving house, illness, no money, family drama - and I didn't drink.

Some days were harder than others - but I leant on my friends here, I looked back at what happens when I drink...I did everything but give in and raise that glass to my lips...and I made it.

We have to vigilant, but we don't have to live in fear :)

I've found there are very few spontaneous relapses - if any. Talk about it as soon as you feel danger - get it out there.

You'll both be fine :)

D

thank you for your honesty.. it does not make you weak to admit being scared.. in truth i think many people relapse because they don't admit it when the fear creeps in.. you are growing bam..

Congratulations on realizing that this little voice is your alcoholic mind trying to regain a foothold. Life is full of ups and downs. It's difficult to navigate even for the non-drinker. You have some sober time under your belt, so you know that drinking isn't the solution to anything. It won't make life's problems any better and will just compound them. Hang in there, bam. Stay strong and keep doing the next right thing. ((((HUGS))))

Fear can be a great motivator... fear is 'my friend' when what I fear could materialize.

When it comes to drugs & alcohol, don't get too close to 'the edge'. Don't be around situations which could turn into a using and/or drinking situation - walk away, immediately.

Don't 'test yourself'... fear 'the test'... you don't need to take it, and you'll pass every time.

I have conversations with 'the voice'... I don't deny its presence, I don't try to shut it out. The voice ALWAYS proves itself to be irrational, ALWAYS - I just have to hear it out to realize its lies.

Just for today - protect your recovery, and let the good things happen in your life.

You deserve it. :)

I just keep being amazed by how far you've come honey. You have dug yourself out of such a dark place, and you have done it with grit and grace! In watching your progress, I have no doubt that you have what it takes to stay sober for the long run.

Its good that you are aware and on point Bam. Them voices can wear you down if your not prepared. I am sorry your scared. But at the same time..It is a good thing. Not wanting to lose those good things that have happened is also good. Hold on to that.
I lost over the weekend. I let myself give in. I fought for weeks to get rid of that Farkin voice. But as it wore on me more. The more I wanted to use.
Bottom line. I wanted to.
Just hang in there and stay alert. I know you can do it.
And great job on staying clean for this long.

My IOP councillor asked me last week what my main worry in life was and I told him that I am afraid of relapsing, although I don't think it will happen soon and I don't have any plans to relapse. He told me to write a list of my triggers and what I will do to avoid drinking if any of the triggers comes up. At first I thought it was kinda a generic thing to do but then I realized that at least it is actual work, I would be activily doing something for sobriety and that is better than what I normally do which is just worry and ruminate on it.

Hey friend, your sobriety at the moment is enough to deal with and keep you busy. Taking on someone elses relapse,projecting you own,regreting the past, fearing the future is of no possible value and can cause great harm. Where are you now? In this moment? Are you sober, here, now Thats all we got, this is where we belong. Stay here and everything will be all right.

“There is no other place. We’re forever here…There’s only this one place: right here, right now…To be here is freedom from insanity, fear, worry, struggle, striving, the urgent desire to control, and the habitual yearning for security and escape from pain.”—Steve Hagen, --Let go,relax, be sobriety.

Hey I can relate exactly to that fear of failure that you describe.

My post that I wrote after trying to get positive after my last relapse titled "The thing thats bugging me" was written about the axact same feeling.

That niggling anxiety/worry in the back of your mind telling you that inevitably you will drink again was really doing my head in. I shared about this at my AA meeting on Monday on broke down in tears crying whils't sharing about it and how it is stopping me from being able to progress in my life.

I am not worrying about things relating to drinking in the future but making sure my thinking remains in the 'One day at a time' mantra. I am building up the mental strenght on a daily basis to make sure that I do not pick up that first drink. It is a kind of irrational fear in some ways as at the end of the day it is me, and only me, that will have to physically go out and buy booze and then gulp it down my neck, no-one is gonna force it down me. it is just that it almost becomes something which becomes second nature, in certain situations at at certain times, and thus feels like it is not possible to not have it, but it is indeed possible.

I just try to think back to when I was 14 and I had great fun/enjoyment without any need for alcohol and it never crossed my mind.

I agree it's wonderful that you are putting your fears down in writing, that will help you to deal with the issue. 5 months into my sobriety my mother passed away, I had not seen my parents in 10 years. My sister informed me that mom was in the hospital but no one expected me to fly to Florida, not only would it be stressful due to her dying but I also have panic attacks when I fly. Well I went to Florida and was there for 3 days before my mom died and for several days after, my family all expected that I would relapse (I later learned); I never even thought about drinking! A few weeks later I realized that my sobriety had largely been what had given me the strength to cope with all that happened and it continues to make me stronger every day.

Hey Bam....I'm scared, too! I suppose a little fear is a good thing, too.

I like this thread. Lots of good advice!

I feel a lot like you do, I have severe depression and anxiety and it takes all the strength I can muster to keep from drinking my problems away. I have to remind myself of what will happen if I drink... and I don't want to go back there.

Hugs for you!

jamdls, thank you so much for this. You touched on exactly the kind of tragedy I was thinking of...something major like that. Thank you for sharing your struggles here. :hug:

I worry too much...but I know the people close to me won't be around forever. I'm scared of losing them...and that would be the only thing that could break me right now. I could lose my job, my shelter and my dignity, but those things wouldn't be enough to get me to drink.

If some kind of major disaster happens I'll voluntarily commit myself. That's my plan right now.



This one got me to smile. I think about this often. Thanks, NEO.

Don't live in the future:
Or the past:
Your doing great today because you are actively working on your recovery. Just do that everyday. :wink:

It's kind of funny. I used to dread upcoming events where I thought I might be triggered and start drinking again. I would really get myself all worked up. But by practicing my program, when the day arrived it really was no problem! Amazing stuff! This even applies to those major life challenges (e.g. my aunt's passing, my cousin's suicide).

For me, the self-doubt & fear of falure lessened over time. Each passing day, a bit more confidence. You don't get weaker with each day sober...you get stronger.

Eventually, I was confident enough to say to myself "you know, I never have to drink again...I'm not scared anymore!"

I have faith that I have what I need to live a good, sober life. My drinking days are over.

I truly believe that my ongoing recovery is not unique. Anyone can have it with patience & hard work.

I feel like as long as you know the voice exists and you get better and better at recognizing it, you are all good. Also you don't seem to be too comfortable or actually cocky is a better word which is a good thing I think so it means you are working on issues now before they actually present themselves. You seriously seem to be doing amazingly.

Did something click for you in your recovery? As an outsider, reading your posts, it seems to me like something clicked and you suddenly completely "get" your own recovery. It is awesome. Does this time feel different?

I think it comes down to acceptance. I cannot ever drink again. It’s easy to say it, but not believe. It’s a hard truth to admit and really mean it… a big step. I’ve said it over and again…and anytime I think I can cheat, I remember what happened the last relapse.

My last relapse wasn’t tragic and it didn’t last that long, but it was the hardest one to get over. I almost didn’t make it out…and that scared me.

My last relapse also pulled me out of my denial about my other mental illness…depression. I couldn’t deny any longer that I needed serious help. I feel better now, but looking back I realize how bad I was. Suicidal thoughts ruled the day…I could not control my mood. It was out of my hands…as much as I wanted to believe I could think it away it wasn’t possible. I gave up and finally reached out for help.




:)

I think a lot of things are contributing to this and these things work together to make this possible. I am on a couple of meds for depression and I think this mix may be the right balance for me. If it doesn’t work out I will find something that works, but for now it’s doing the trick.

Not being a slave to really bad mood swings means I have a clear mind and can actually handle recovery. I still have irrational thoughts, but I can better recognize my negative thinking and can approach it rationally and calmly.

The meds would be useless without therapy. Therapy is very important for my mental well-being and for my recovery. The meds make the work I do for therapy possible.

I’ve filled my drinking time with photography. A few months ago I bought a nice little digital camera and I’ve been having a lot of fun with it. You can see some of what I’ve captured on the SR photography thread at the Café.

Taking pictures gets me out of my head. It is a healthy way to escape…and even when I’ve been really upset I’ve made myself go out and do it. It helps to keep me sane.

I’m on SR every single day. The support here is invaluable. I’m so glad I stuck around here for awhile…there’s some really good stuff going on here. The people are simply amazing…I’ve never met folks like this in my life…and these sober people are the most interesting people and are definitely not boring.

Before my last relapse I thought I had “gotten it”, but I crashed and burned. I hesitate now to say that I “get it”. I know that I need to stay on top of this no matter what and this goes back to…

…acceptance. For both the addiction and the depression. These things are here to stay. I know what to expect and I know what I need to do to take care of myself…so take care of myself I will.

I’m learning to love myself. It’s not easy, but I have to love myself so I can believe I’m worth it. I am worth it. There is an amazing person inside of me. I lost my light a long time ago and I desperately want and need it back.