need to be less selfish
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 59
need to be less selfish
So, tonight I went to a meeting. It was the 1st time that i have ever said out loud to other people. Hello, my name is Cevin and I am alcoholic. A friend was there at the same meeting and knows that I never said that before and I thought that the friend would say something after the meeting. But nothing. But than I get thinking....man I am selfish, why do I think everything has to be about me?? Is there a difference between being excited about a big step or is that just selfish pride?? Is it just that I have very little self confidence and low self esteem that I need to hear good things about things I am doing? I don't know....
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
I think that took alot of courage--and indeed was a HUGE step. 
It wasn't easy for me to say those words about myself in front of a group of people either. Who knows? Your friend may say something later to you about it, but if not--I wouldn't worry about it. You did what you needed to do--that's all that matters. 
It wasn't easy for me to say those words about myself in front of a group of people either. Who knows? Your friend may say something later to you about it, but if not--I wouldn't worry about it. You did what you needed to do--that's all that matters. Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 679
Good for you! I know how hard that can be.
With your friend, she/he probably was in his/her own head and maybe didn't quite realize 1. that is was your first time or 2. that is was a big deal for you. Sometimes when you want support for something you need to ask for it. You could have said as you exited the meeting, "Whoa, that was the first time saying that for me, that was hard, but I am proud of myself." I bet then your friend would have stepped up and given you the support you wanted. You can sit there and wish in your head that the friend says something and then get sad and upset but saying it will ensure everything is out in the open.
It kind of reminds me of this conversation I was having with my friend about another friend today. Yesterday it was his birthday and she said that everyone had forgotten about it. He was so angry that no one remembered. His mom even called and talked to him and didn't wish him any birthday wishes. Instead of alerting her to the fact that it was his birthday he said, "I'm just going to hold it against her for awhile." And with his friends he just didn't mention it. That made me slightly mad, mainly because I don't remember anyone's birthday (ok, I would be mad if my mom forgot but friends....). I don't have a magic calendar in my head. So on my own birthday I go around and tell everyone I see, "it's my birthday!!!" all giddy and happy, and I have a lovely day. For me that is a better experience than keeping it secret and feeling like no one loves me because they forgot that I was born on that day even though I am guilty of the same thing all the time.
Oh, and I don't think it is selfish to want props for doing something that is difficult for you and basically for a small little milestone in your recovery.
With your friend, she/he probably was in his/her own head and maybe didn't quite realize 1. that is was your first time or 2. that is was a big deal for you. Sometimes when you want support for something you need to ask for it. You could have said as you exited the meeting, "Whoa, that was the first time saying that for me, that was hard, but I am proud of myself." I bet then your friend would have stepped up and given you the support you wanted. You can sit there and wish in your head that the friend says something and then get sad and upset but saying it will ensure everything is out in the open.
It kind of reminds me of this conversation I was having with my friend about another friend today. Yesterday it was his birthday and she said that everyone had forgotten about it. He was so angry that no one remembered. His mom even called and talked to him and didn't wish him any birthday wishes. Instead of alerting her to the fact that it was his birthday he said, "I'm just going to hold it against her for awhile." And with his friends he just didn't mention it. That made me slightly mad, mainly because I don't remember anyone's birthday (ok, I would be mad if my mom forgot but friends....). I don't have a magic calendar in my head. So on my own birthday I go around and tell everyone I see, "it's my birthday!!!" all giddy and happy, and I have a lovely day. For me that is a better experience than keeping it secret and feeling like no one loves me because they forgot that I was born on that day even though I am guilty of the same thing all the time.
Oh, and I don't think it is selfish to want props for doing something that is difficult for you and basically for a small little milestone in your recovery.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Cevin, congrats on saying "IT"!!!! LOL It was darn hard for me I remember it well, but in AA it is so normal to hear some one introduce them selfs as an alcoholic it rearely stands out as something many people notice.
There is a lady who came to my home group for several months who really was struggling inside for her first month sober, she rarely shared which is just fine and for the first couple of weeks did not pick up a 24 hour chip, but then one night she did pick up that 24 hour chip, the same night she shared, when she shared that night for the first time she introduced herself as an alcoholic and she smiled as she did so, she went on to share that she could not bring herself to pickup that chip nor introduce herself as an alcoholic until she knew in her heart that indeed she was an alcoholic. She said there was an actual relief when she picked up that chip and even a greater relief when she introduced herself as an alcoholic.
Every time I see her now she seems to be smiling and no longer struggling, she has begun to understand not only who she is and what she is, but is accepting that she is what she is and no longer finds any shame in it.
I understand that deeply, every secret I have ever held on to resulted in shame, once the secret was out the shame was gone for me! The kicker for many of those so called secrets was the only person who thought it was a secret was me, every one else already knew!
One other thing I meant to add is in my early sobriety it was all about me in my head, as I took the steps part of my spiritual awakening was when I realized it was no longer all about me, instead it had become me becoming a part of the world again rather then me standing alone on the outside looking in. I had become free of my self!
There is a lady who came to my home group for several months who really was struggling inside for her first month sober, she rarely shared which is just fine and for the first couple of weeks did not pick up a 24 hour chip, but then one night she did pick up that 24 hour chip, the same night she shared, when she shared that night for the first time she introduced herself as an alcoholic and she smiled as she did so, she went on to share that she could not bring herself to pickup that chip nor introduce herself as an alcoholic until she knew in her heart that indeed she was an alcoholic. She said there was an actual relief when she picked up that chip and even a greater relief when she introduced herself as an alcoholic.
Every time I see her now she seems to be smiling and no longer struggling, she has begun to understand not only who she is and what she is, but is accepting that she is what she is and no longer finds any shame in it.
I understand that deeply, every secret I have ever held on to resulted in shame, once the secret was out the shame was gone for me! The kicker for many of those so called secrets was the only person who thought it was a secret was me, every one else already knew!
One other thing I meant to add is in my early sobriety it was all about me in my head, as I took the steps part of my spiritual awakening was when I realized it was no longer all about me, instead it had become me becoming a part of the world again rather then me standing alone on the outside looking in. I had become free of my self!
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Cevin,
That is indeed a huge step. Like the lady in Taz's post, it helps to know in your heart what it means to be an alcoholic. I admitted I was an alcoholic long before I got sober. I could say I was an alcoholic, but I really didn't know what it meant. I had a pre-conceived notion of that term. Stay open-minded about it, and you can have the experience of that first step.
It's a good insight to recognize the selfishness. AA's Big Book (1st Ed.) says, " Selfishness, self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles." And then it gives precise directions on what to do.
Please let us help you on this journey.
That is indeed a huge step. Like the lady in Taz's post, it helps to know in your heart what it means to be an alcoholic. I admitted I was an alcoholic long before I got sober. I could say I was an alcoholic, but I really didn't know what it meant. I had a pre-conceived notion of that term. Stay open-minded about it, and you can have the experience of that first step.
It's a good insight to recognize the selfishness. AA's Big Book (1st Ed.) says, " Selfishness, self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles." And then it gives precise directions on what to do.
Please let us help you on this journey.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
my names shaun and im an alcoholic........man i remember how scary that was.
but a strange sense of relief come over me....i think id finally accepted it.
your self honesty with yourself in early recovery inspires me...
it took a while to strip away my b@[email protected] the enormous ego id created..
keep sharing your experiences..........i love to hear this stuff.
but a strange sense of relief come over me....i think id finally accepted it.
your self honesty with yourself in early recovery inspires me...
it took a while to strip away my b@[email protected] the enormous ego id created..
keep sharing your experiences..........i love to hear this stuff.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Cevin here is a link to the online one Big Book On Line
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 542
Hi Cevin...
"Huge Congratulations"!! First off, I think you've done two very awesome things last night. 1) You found the "Courage" to get yourself to an AA Meeting, that takes some real strength and 2) you also got yourself to say "Hello my name is Cevin and I'm an alcoholic.
I think you've done a super great job for one night. Not sure if you went "with" that friend or if he was just there but like others said he might of just been distracted in his own thoughts or something...hard to say.
That's not the important thing though Cevin. It's that you made an excellent Decision and took a great big step towards your "own sobriety" that counts most. Yes...it is VERY nice to get recognition for our achievements and you did deserve that. If you don't get it at the meetings, then c'mon over to SR and you will surely get it on here!!
I think you've shown some very wonderful qualities in your Sobriety already and that is your Honesty in admitting to all of us how you "really felt" and also it shows a lot of Willingness. Those are two very important qualities in the AA Program which you will learn. I remember my first meeting, I was scared to death to go and just walk in that room filled with people and sit down. I think when I did speak I was about whispering due to my fear! Then I cried also because it was such a frightening and BIG thing for me to do. Well, it gets easier Cevin...keep on going back to the meetings, get yourself a Big Book and then "Wear it out". That's sure what I plan to do with mine. Plus I've done quite alot of book reading since I joined on Valentine's Day of this year and I discovered that really and truly....I LOVE to read the Big Book!! It really gives me inspiration and plus I just want to learn as much as I can along this Journey.
SO....here's a Large Big Hug for you ((((((HUGS))))))) and a snuggly pat on the back for being so brave and taking a great big step towards true "Recovery".
Love Pancake xo
"Huge Congratulations"!! First off, I think you've done two very awesome things last night. 1) You found the "Courage" to get yourself to an AA Meeting, that takes some real strength and 2) you also got yourself to say "Hello my name is Cevin and I'm an alcoholic.
I think you've done a super great job for one night. Not sure if you went "with" that friend or if he was just there but like others said he might of just been distracted in his own thoughts or something...hard to say.
That's not the important thing though Cevin. It's that you made an excellent Decision and took a great big step towards your "own sobriety" that counts most. Yes...it is VERY nice to get recognition for our achievements and you did deserve that. If you don't get it at the meetings, then c'mon over to SR and you will surely get it on here!!
I think you've shown some very wonderful qualities in your Sobriety already and that is your Honesty in admitting to all of us how you "really felt" and also it shows a lot of Willingness. Those are two very important qualities in the AA Program which you will learn. I remember my first meeting, I was scared to death to go and just walk in that room filled with people and sit down. I think when I did speak I was about whispering due to my fear! Then I cried also because it was such a frightening and BIG thing for me to do. Well, it gets easier Cevin...keep on going back to the meetings, get yourself a Big Book and then "Wear it out". That's sure what I plan to do with mine. Plus I've done quite alot of book reading since I joined on Valentine's Day of this year and I discovered that really and truly....I LOVE to read the Big Book!! It really gives me inspiration and plus I just want to learn as much as I can along this Journey.
SO....here's a Large Big Hug for you ((((((HUGS))))))) and a snuggly pat on the back for being so brave and taking a great big step towards true "Recovery".
Love Pancake xo
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