It's over. I am done.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 32
It's over. I am done.
It’s over.
It’s over.
I will not do this anymore.
I cannot drink anymore to self-medicate for depression/anxiety and cure my loneliness and boredom.
I want books again. I want to go out again without feeling self-conscious because I feel (and look) hungover. I want my hands to stop shaking in the morning. I want to feel excited when I wake up, not doomy and gloomy. I want to stop crying. I want the spring in my step back. I want to run again. I want the money I am losing to go somewhere else other than purchasing wine and cigarettes. I want to feel pretty again. I want to lose 10 lbs. I want my brain back and its spark and hunger for knowledge.
Booze has turned me into a depressive, isolated, fearful and tired person. When I am drunk, I think I am happy and relaxed. I put myself ‘out’ almost nightly so I don’t have to bear any prolonged waking moments alone. Sometimes a sleeping pill with a bottle of wine really helps me along. Then the next day I get to listen to (and believe) all the horrible thoughts and depressive feelings my hangovers whisper in my ear. Yet when I make it 5 days, like I have tonight... I feel the life, energy, strength and confidence brimming over in me so quickly.
I hate booze. I hate it. It’s like an abusive boyfriend that is sitting there in his stained undershirt and boxers on the couch everynight when you get home from work. And you want to leave him so bad, but you always say ‘I’ll do it tomorrow’. And this boyfriend makes you feel good sometimes, and comforts you, but he also whispers lies and hopeless thoughts into your ears and puts all your faults under a microscope, but he convinces you everyday that as long as you have him... you’ll be okay, even if everyday feels like misery and you begin to think this is your destiny, and you’re not worth more, so you might as well surrender. Ya, right.
I’m done punishing myself and mistreating myself. I did nothing to deserve this but it’s my own fault that I ended up here because I cannot deal with my own emotions or upsetting things like most ‘regular’ folks do. What I didn’t realise is that booze makes it worse. It arrests you on the spot you started drinking dependantly at both emotionally and spiritually. I haven’t been ‘dealing’ or ‘processing’ at all. I have been sedating myself in order to NOT feel. What a waste of a few good (bad) years. Plus the BOOZE has made me depressed even more than any normal heart-ache or upset could that most normal people go through in a lifetime. The BOOZE has made it worse, not better.
I’m done.
I’ve made it five days (a miracle) and pray to God I can press on and change my daily pattern... and learn how to sleep again on my own.
Last night I had the most peaceful sleep I have had in many moons without the aid of wine or a sleeping tablet. I also went back to the gym.
I am done this time for good. I want my life back. It belongs to me, not a bottle. I am not going to let this vile substance cloud my vision and understanding of things anymore and make me feel less than the upstanding person I really am.
My weakness will be if something 'bad' happens or I bump into my recent ex or something like that. But I hope to get past anything of this nature without feeling hopeless and turning to the bottle.
I’ll continue to post and I enjoy reading all the posts here on the site for inspiration and the invaluable feeling of ‘not being alone’.
It’s over.
I will not do this anymore.
I cannot drink anymore to self-medicate for depression/anxiety and cure my loneliness and boredom.
I want books again. I want to go out again without feeling self-conscious because I feel (and look) hungover. I want my hands to stop shaking in the morning. I want to feel excited when I wake up, not doomy and gloomy. I want to stop crying. I want the spring in my step back. I want to run again. I want the money I am losing to go somewhere else other than purchasing wine and cigarettes. I want to feel pretty again. I want to lose 10 lbs. I want my brain back and its spark and hunger for knowledge.
Booze has turned me into a depressive, isolated, fearful and tired person. When I am drunk, I think I am happy and relaxed. I put myself ‘out’ almost nightly so I don’t have to bear any prolonged waking moments alone. Sometimes a sleeping pill with a bottle of wine really helps me along. Then the next day I get to listen to (and believe) all the horrible thoughts and depressive feelings my hangovers whisper in my ear. Yet when I make it 5 days, like I have tonight... I feel the life, energy, strength and confidence brimming over in me so quickly.
I hate booze. I hate it. It’s like an abusive boyfriend that is sitting there in his stained undershirt and boxers on the couch everynight when you get home from work. And you want to leave him so bad, but you always say ‘I’ll do it tomorrow’. And this boyfriend makes you feel good sometimes, and comforts you, but he also whispers lies and hopeless thoughts into your ears and puts all your faults under a microscope, but he convinces you everyday that as long as you have him... you’ll be okay, even if everyday feels like misery and you begin to think this is your destiny, and you’re not worth more, so you might as well surrender. Ya, right.
I’m done punishing myself and mistreating myself. I did nothing to deserve this but it’s my own fault that I ended up here because I cannot deal with my own emotions or upsetting things like most ‘regular’ folks do. What I didn’t realise is that booze makes it worse. It arrests you on the spot you started drinking dependantly at both emotionally and spiritually. I haven’t been ‘dealing’ or ‘processing’ at all. I have been sedating myself in order to NOT feel. What a waste of a few good (bad) years. Plus the BOOZE has made me depressed even more than any normal heart-ache or upset could that most normal people go through in a lifetime. The BOOZE has made it worse, not better.
I’m done.
I’ve made it five days (a miracle) and pray to God I can press on and change my daily pattern... and learn how to sleep again on my own.
Last night I had the most peaceful sleep I have had in many moons without the aid of wine or a sleeping tablet. I also went back to the gym.
I am done this time for good. I want my life back. It belongs to me, not a bottle. I am not going to let this vile substance cloud my vision and understanding of things anymore and make me feel less than the upstanding person I really am.
My weakness will be if something 'bad' happens or I bump into my recent ex or something like that. But I hope to get past anything of this nature without feeling hopeless and turning to the bottle.
I’ll continue to post and I enjoy reading all the posts here on the site for inspiration and the invaluable feeling of ‘not being alone’.
grateful to be here
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 426
I hate booze. I hate it. It’s like an abusive boyfriend that is sitting there in his stained undershirt and boxers on the couch everynight when you get home from work. And you want to leave him so bad, but you always say ‘I’ll do it tomorrow’. And this boyfriend makes you feel good sometimes, and comforts you, but he also whispers lies and hopeless thoughts into your ears and puts all your faults under a microscope, but he convinces you everyday that as long as you have him... you’ll be okay, even if everyday feels like misery and you begin to think this is your destiny, and you’re not worth more, so you might as well surrender.
welcome!!! can't wait to read more of your posts
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 111
turned the corner,
good for you! you can do it you can do it! i like your intensity and determination. i hope share it with others who are struggling.
you said so many amazing things in your post. we look forward to hearing more from you
thank you, and keep pushing forward. turn five days into ten into twenty.
be well,
bh
good for you! you can do it you can do it! i like your intensity and determination. i hope share it with others who are struggling.
you said so many amazing things in your post. we look forward to hearing more from you
thank you, and keep pushing forward. turn five days into ten into twenty.
be well,
bh
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
You are not alone. Read what Alan Watts wrote. A brilliant, educated, spiritual man, writer of over 25 books who died from alcoholism at the age of 58.
In very many cases he knows quite clearly that he is destroying himself, that for him liquor is poison that he actually hates being drunk, and even dislikes the taste of liquor. And yet he drinks. For, dislike it as he may, the experience of not being drunk is worse. It gives him the ‘horrors’ for he stands face to face with the unveiled, basic insecurity of the world. Herein lies the crux of the matter. To stand face to face with insecurity is still not to understand it. To understand it, you must not face it but be it,”
-Alan Watts-
My best to you in your sobriety--Namaste
In very many cases he knows quite clearly that he is destroying himself, that for him liquor is poison that he actually hates being drunk, and even dislikes the taste of liquor. And yet he drinks. For, dislike it as he may, the experience of not being drunk is worse. It gives him the ‘horrors’ for he stands face to face with the unveiled, basic insecurity of the world. Herein lies the crux of the matter. To stand face to face with insecurity is still not to understand it. To understand it, you must not face it but be it,”
-Alan Watts-
My best to you in your sobriety--Namaste
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
A wonderful post, turnedthecorner - I could've written most of those same thoughts. Its so hard to see booze for what it really is - not a friend or comforter - but an enemy that sucks the life out of us. The not feeling alone aspect of SR is what saved me from destruction. It's great to meet you.
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