It's over. I am done.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 32
Thanks everyone for your support. It's so nice to read your thoughts and responses.
I have read a lot of posts on this site and can see that I am not alone and that many of you (all of you?) are going through or have been through similar experiences.
Frankly I am just tired of being enslaved. So, 6 days on. Sleep is still a bit up and down from night to night but I hope to get myself on a regular 8 hours a night consistently very soon.
I have been in therapy for 2 months + now to deal with the emotional aspect of my personality and to deal with my negative thinking, assumptions and judgements (about myself) that resulted in me feeling hopeless a few years ago... and leading me to excessive drink. Not sure how or when it all started but, God-damn, I am really hard on myself. Enough of that.
Looking forward to more hours in a day now, to seeing beauty and not despair. To being fit again. To having that extra pocket-change. To reading a book for hours. To being aware of everything and everyone else instead of being so toxically self-absorbed in such a negative way. You see, booze makes you very selfish as well. I want this summer to be beautiful. And, for me, someone who can not comfortably manage booze, my summer will not involve a drop of alcohol. As far as I am concerned I might as well drink Mr. Clean. Poison.
Thanks for your support thus far, everyone. I have decided that when I get that pesky tap on the shoulder one day (soon? I hope not...) saying 'it's okay, you can have a bottle of wine, just one for tonight, you can quit again tomorrow...' I am going to come on here instead and post/read like a mad-woman to drive the thought out of my head. I may even PM some of you if you're on so please look out for that. You all know how powerful it can be when you get the itch. I might need some tough love in this regard.
So far so good.
I have read a lot of posts on this site and can see that I am not alone and that many of you (all of you?) are going through or have been through similar experiences.
Frankly I am just tired of being enslaved. So, 6 days on. Sleep is still a bit up and down from night to night but I hope to get myself on a regular 8 hours a night consistently very soon.
I have been in therapy for 2 months + now to deal with the emotional aspect of my personality and to deal with my negative thinking, assumptions and judgements (about myself) that resulted in me feeling hopeless a few years ago... and leading me to excessive drink. Not sure how or when it all started but, God-damn, I am really hard on myself. Enough of that.
Looking forward to more hours in a day now, to seeing beauty and not despair. To being fit again. To having that extra pocket-change. To reading a book for hours. To being aware of everything and everyone else instead of being so toxically self-absorbed in such a negative way. You see, booze makes you very selfish as well. I want this summer to be beautiful. And, for me, someone who can not comfortably manage booze, my summer will not involve a drop of alcohol. As far as I am concerned I might as well drink Mr. Clean. Poison.
Thanks for your support thus far, everyone. I have decided that when I get that pesky tap on the shoulder one day (soon? I hope not...) saying 'it's okay, you can have a bottle of wine, just one for tonight, you can quit again tomorrow...' I am going to come on here instead and post/read like a mad-woman to drive the thought out of my head. I may even PM some of you if you're on so please look out for that. You all know how powerful it can be when you get the itch. I might need some tough love in this regard.
So far so good.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Welcome to SR turnedthecorner, I too reached that point you spoke of so well. I could not stay sober alone either, for me it took the face to face support I found in AA combined with the steps of AA to stay sober and sane which has allowed me to remain free physically, spiritually and mentally from the bonds of my alcoholism.
Congrats on your 6 days and if the support you get here is not enough, AA and other programs are out there for you to gain additional support from.
Just remain willing to go the extra mile to do something you have not tried yet when ever the idea of a drink starts to even remotely seem like a good idea.
Congrats on your 6 days and if the support you get here is not enough, AA and other programs are out there for you to gain additional support from.
Just remain willing to go the extra mile to do something you have not tried yet when ever the idea of a drink starts to even remotely seem like a good idea.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
Had a thought (Oh, oh, warning, warning). Most of us approach and hang onto sobriety like “how can I make it through the day?” “I have ten days”, “I have ten years”, “I'll be sober one day at a time”, "Hi, I'm Michael I've been sober 6 months, give me my damn chip, I earned it". Time passes slowly, or seems not to pass at all. The time between 5 months clean or sober and 6 months is like an eternity. Was it that way when we were using? Gosh I'm 73 daze drunk, ok, I'll just use one day at a time, I've been drinking 20 years, where the f--k did the time go? Time seems so completly different with me between my using years and my sober days.
“Time is an illusion, albeit a persistent one.”—Albert Einstein
“Time is an illusion, albeit a persistent one.”—Albert Einstein
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Welcome to SR! wonderful choice you have made. I was always such a depressed individual it seemed like I was born depressed, not in a major way just blah and of course I drank to overcome the depression; funny thing I learned within a few months of getting sober I wasn't depressed anymore! and within a year I became known around the office as "the one who's always smiling".
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 32
One week today. I am very happy.
Natural sleep patterns are returning and I look forward to a weekend with no hangovers. Did anyone else here get to a stage where you'd drink and go to bed but then be up at 3 am unable to sleep? I could never figure that out. Booze used to put me to sleep but during the last 8 months, it would wake me up. Never a restful sleep for me. I am cherishing the long nights of natural sleep I am having these last few days. NO wine. NO sleeping tablets.
Thanks for the PMs from those who sent them. I cannot respond yet as I do not have 5 posts yet. I will respond soon.
I really like this site and how active it is.
Thank you all.
Natural sleep patterns are returning and I look forward to a weekend with no hangovers. Did anyone else here get to a stage where you'd drink and go to bed but then be up at 3 am unable to sleep? I could never figure that out. Booze used to put me to sleep but during the last 8 months, it would wake me up. Never a restful sleep for me. I am cherishing the long nights of natural sleep I am having these last few days. NO wine. NO sleeping tablets.
Thanks for the PMs from those who sent them. I cannot respond yet as I do not have 5 posts yet. I will respond soon.
I really like this site and how active it is.
Thank you all.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
turnedthecorner for me looking back waking up and not being able to get back to sleep in the wee hours I think was part of very early withdrawals, the reason I say that is a drink would allow me to go right back to sleep, if I did not have a drink I stayed up and was simply miserable and irratable.
BTW congrats on a week.
BTW congrats on a week.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by Tazman53 
turnedthecorner for me looking back waking up and not being able to get back to sleep in the wee hours I think was part of very early withdrawals,
I have read about other people's experiences with 'hangover anxiety' here on the site... and by God, I can tell you there is nothing more hellish. Like you want to crawl out of your own skin.
I want to look back at it one day as just a distant memory of a bad period in my life.
The stuff should be made illegal. I know I know... but only for people like us. I could never stop at one drink, unless I was with my partner or my parents.
Here's to kicking this demon in the behind.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 68
Originally Posted by turnedthecorner
It’s over.
It’s over.
I will not do this anymore.
I cannot drink anymore to self-medicate for depression/anxiety and cure my loneliness and boredom.
I want books again. I want to go out again without feeling self-conscious because I feel (and look) hungover. I want my hands to stop shaking in the morning. I want to feel excited when I wake up, not doomy and gloomy. I want to stop crying. I want the spring in my step back. I want to run again. I want the money I am losing to go somewhere else other than purchasing wine and cigarettes. I want to feel pretty again. I want to lose 10 lbs. I want my brain back and its spark and hunger for knowledge.
Booze has turned me into a depressive, isolated, fearful and tired person. When I am drunk, I think I am happy and relaxed. I put myself ‘out’ almost nightly so I don’t have to bear any prolonged waking moments alone. Sometimes a sleeping pill with a bottle of wine really helps me along. Then the next day I get to listen to (and believe) all the horrible thoughts and depressive feelings my hangovers whisper in my ear. Yet when I make it 5 days, like I have tonight... I feel the life, energy, strength and confidence brimming over in me so quickly.
I hate booze. I hate it. It’s like an abusive boyfriend that is sitting there in his stained undershirt and boxers on the couch everynight when you get home from work. And you want to leave him so bad, but you always say ‘I’ll do it tomorrow’. And this boyfriend makes you feel good sometimes, and comforts you, but he also whispers lies and hopeless thoughts into your ears and puts all your faults under a microscope, but he convinces you everyday that as long as you have him... you’ll be okay, even if everyday feels like misery and you begin to think this is your destiny, and you’re not worth more, so you might as well surrender. Ya, right.
I’m done punishing myself and mistreating myself. I did nothing to deserve this but it’s my own fault that I ended up here because I cannot deal with my own emotions or upsetting things like most ‘regular’ folks do. What I didn’t realise is that booze makes it worse. It arrests you on the spot you started drinking dependantly at both emotionally and spiritually. I haven’t been ‘dealing’ or ‘processing’ at all. I have been sedating myself in order to NOT feel. What a waste of a few good (bad) years. Plus the BOOZE has made me depressed even more than any normal heart-ache or upset could that most normal people go through in a lifetime. The BOOZE has made it worse, not better.
I’m done.
I’ve made it five days (a miracle) and pray to God I can press on and change my daily pattern... and learn how to sleep again on my own.
Last night I had the most peaceful sleep I have had in many moons without the aid of wine or a sleeping tablet. I also went back to the gym.
I am done this time for good. I want my life back. It belongs to me, not a bottle. I am not going to let this vile substance cloud my vision and understanding of things anymore and make me feel less than the upstanding person I really am.
My weakness will be if something 'bad' happens or I bump into my recent ex or something like that. But I hope to get past anything of this nature without feeling hopeless and turning to the bottle.
I’ll continue to post and I enjoy reading all the posts here on the site for inspiration and the invaluable feeling of ‘not being alone’.
It’s over.
I will not do this anymore.
I cannot drink anymore to self-medicate for depression/anxiety and cure my loneliness and boredom.
I want books again. I want to go out again without feeling self-conscious because I feel (and look) hungover. I want my hands to stop shaking in the morning. I want to feel excited when I wake up, not doomy and gloomy. I want to stop crying. I want the spring in my step back. I want to run again. I want the money I am losing to go somewhere else other than purchasing wine and cigarettes. I want to feel pretty again. I want to lose 10 lbs. I want my brain back and its spark and hunger for knowledge.
Booze has turned me into a depressive, isolated, fearful and tired person. When I am drunk, I think I am happy and relaxed. I put myself ‘out’ almost nightly so I don’t have to bear any prolonged waking moments alone. Sometimes a sleeping pill with a bottle of wine really helps me along. Then the next day I get to listen to (and believe) all the horrible thoughts and depressive feelings my hangovers whisper in my ear. Yet when I make it 5 days, like I have tonight... I feel the life, energy, strength and confidence brimming over in me so quickly.
I hate booze. I hate it. It’s like an abusive boyfriend that is sitting there in his stained undershirt and boxers on the couch everynight when you get home from work. And you want to leave him so bad, but you always say ‘I’ll do it tomorrow’. And this boyfriend makes you feel good sometimes, and comforts you, but he also whispers lies and hopeless thoughts into your ears and puts all your faults under a microscope, but he convinces you everyday that as long as you have him... you’ll be okay, even if everyday feels like misery and you begin to think this is your destiny, and you’re not worth more, so you might as well surrender. Ya, right.
I’m done punishing myself and mistreating myself. I did nothing to deserve this but it’s my own fault that I ended up here because I cannot deal with my own emotions or upsetting things like most ‘regular’ folks do. What I didn’t realise is that booze makes it worse. It arrests you on the spot you started drinking dependantly at both emotionally and spiritually. I haven’t been ‘dealing’ or ‘processing’ at all. I have been sedating myself in order to NOT feel. What a waste of a few good (bad) years. Plus the BOOZE has made me depressed even more than any normal heart-ache or upset could that most normal people go through in a lifetime. The BOOZE has made it worse, not better.
I’m done.
I’ve made it five days (a miracle) and pray to God I can press on and change my daily pattern... and learn how to sleep again on my own.
Last night I had the most peaceful sleep I have had in many moons without the aid of wine or a sleeping tablet. I also went back to the gym.
I am done this time for good. I want my life back. It belongs to me, not a bottle. I am not going to let this vile substance cloud my vision and understanding of things anymore and make me feel less than the upstanding person I really am.
My weakness will be if something 'bad' happens or I bump into my recent ex or something like that. But I hope to get past anything of this nature without feeling hopeless and turning to the bottle.
I’ll continue to post and I enjoy reading all the posts here on the site for inspiration and the invaluable feeling of ‘not being alone’.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 753
Hey there Turnedthecorner - you sure sound like you have turned that corner - your commitment seems deep and true - and your plan of attack sound. Great reading your posts.
This forum really is amazing and a true community.
hugs.... KB
This forum really is amazing and a true community.
hugs.... KB
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 131
Hi TTC!
I am five days sober too. Gosh I could have written your post. It was the same for me. And the boyfriend analogy was so perfect. (I actually had a boyfriend like that along with the alcohol as my other abusive lover).
I am looking forward to my journey of being sober. Sounds like you are too.
I am five days sober too. Gosh I could have written your post. It was the same for me. And the boyfriend analogy was so perfect. (I actually had a boyfriend like that along with the alcohol as my other abusive lover).
I am looking forward to my journey of being sober. Sounds like you are too.
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