addict01

So I'm 21 years old. And I got drunk for the first time at 15. It became a regular weekend thing that took away my social anxiety. I felt like that was the only way I could feel comfortable socialising. But I've also been dealing with an eating disorder since that age and I have just felt so lost as a person and hated myself inside. I feel like I can't really find any happiness no matter what great things might happen in the future. I see no point in going on. But I could never hurt my family like that.

Anyway, at 18, I moved away from home to start university. For a long time this is what had made me hold on. I truly believed that once I moved, everything would change. I would change myself and start fresh. But I moved into a house with people I didn't know, both male. I have never felt comfortable around older males. I have no idea why because nothing has ever happened that should make me feel this way. But I started drinking so that I felt comfortable making basic conversation. I know a lot of my issues stem from anxiety. And another big change I had to face was to appear 'normal' around food. I had previously purged a lot to cope with anxiety and because I felt like I had to stay thin. Fat people were never spoken highly of by my mother (she has an eating disorder). So instead of eating and purging, I drank vodka and diet coke. And it just became a habit. I stopped caring about anything. I didn't love myself any better and I had spent so much time trying to be the perfect student in high school that I was fed up. I just didn't care anymore. I really didn't know what I wanted and I felt like people didn't like me because I was just a piece of ****. So I stopped trying to fit in and stopped going out. I figured drinking alone was enough to ease the discomfort.

I dropped out of uni and came home a few months later. This is where things got worse than I ever thought they could. I have always beleived in my mind that I will quit drinking because of several reasons. Sadly, vanity is probably a the top of that list, but also the damage it does to the brain, liver and other internal organs. I know what alcohol does. Anyway, the binge drinking carried on for about 18 months. I was drinking half a bottle of vodka on the days I worked, and eventually a bottle on the days I didn't work. And considering I worked a roster of 3 weeks on and one week off, that week off resulted in me feeling very physically ill on my first day back. I would halucinate on my return to work, hear things, become really paranoid. I guess being female and only 50kg make the symptoms more severe so early in this addiction. For the past 18 months, I've managed to stop for long periods at a times (well, not long). But I usually go form 2 weeks to a month without touching alcohol and feel very healthy. But when I have a week off of work, it's like its too much time for my mind to think and become nervous and feel depressed and I will drink a lot in a short period. I'm so sick of myself. Detoxing is no big deal for me. But its staying away from it that is the problem. Detox is uncomfortable but I feel so much better when I do it. But like this week, I've had 4 and a half bottles of vodka in 5 days. That is horrible. That is roughly 94 standard drinks. I hate myself right now.

smacked

Yep, that is horrible.. but the great thing is, you don't HAVE to live like this. I know you feel that detoxing is 'no big deal', but really, it is. As much as you've drank you could be in danger of all kinds of horrific withdrawals. Detoxing without medical help can be fatal.

I don't believe that you hate yourself, honestly, because you're here posting and reaching out.. there's something in you wanting help.. I do believe that you hate the choices you've made, and the way you've lived.. again, the good thing about this, is that it's something you NEVER have to live through again.. I promise.

I wasn't able to stay sober by myself.. I tried everything, meetings, counseling, rehabs. Along the way something worked, and I've been sober for almost a year now. It wasn't uncommon for me to drink as much as you, as horrific as that amount is, some of us have been to that place too.

I'm glad you're here. If anything else, many of us understand..

brokenhalo

i'm sorry you are having such a difficult time right now, but i agree with smacked, post and interact here. there are alot of caring voices that will support you as you try to remain dry. you can do it. is there anything you can do during your week off from work? hobbies etc...?

bh

joedris

As you've discovered, quitting drinking is the easy part. Staying sober is a bit harder. You have a lot of issues to deal with. alcohol being only one of them. I would suggest that you go to some AA meetings to work on that problem. As for the others- food, social anxiety, etc., you need to see a therapist. And preferably one that specializes in addiction.

Wolfchild

Hello and welcome to the SR community.
i hope that you continue seeking a better life for yourself.
Have you considered that going to an A.A. meeting could help to stay sober?

addict01

Thank you so much for your responses! That was really fast. This is a really active forum and just what people struggling with this problem need. A place where there are people to listen and understand, and at the same time not feel completely exposed. Sometimes the judgement from people in our real lives makes us want to hide in shame and not get help. It's something that not everyone understands and that people look down on.I'm so glad I've come here. Some of the stories I've read are so inspirational.

tommyk

Eat healthy and exercise.

Learn to love your body.

KenL

Please come around more often for help and support. We're here for you.

NewBeginning010

Glad you are here with us I have found a lot of the social anxiety that you mention comes from the fact that a lot of us have been masking our feelings with alcohol for so long that our "sober" feelings are like diamond cut edges.

Take some time to heal yourself & get to know yourself again. Most importantly take some time to love yourself again, something I am working on too. Alcohol takes away so much from us, its time to take it back.

Here is a great read to understand what is going on.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

I look forward to reading about your recovery.

NB

Believe808

So glad you are with us Addict. Yes there is so much here on this forum, strength, wisdom, experience and fun. Many of us were where you are at but have stopped drinking one day at a time. Lots of great things to help you along on your journey. We even laugh here, something I hadn't done in a long time.

Dee74

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time, but I'm always pleased to meet another Aussie.

It's not the stopping thats the really difficult bit - its the staying stopped...especially if you used alcohol like I did to feel 'comfortable' or 'normal' or 'good'.

It makes staying sober than much harder - but believe me, if you can get through the feelings, you won't know your life. 2 years ago I used to drink 24/7 - it's not easy to break that, but it is possible.

We're a great bunch here - I hope you stick around...but if you find the self loathing and uncomfortableness of sobriety does prove too much, I'd urge you to seek some counselling.

And please don't underestimate the detox - that's a lot of alcohol for someone (of any size) to drink - seeing a dr is always a great idea.

D