brokenhalo

80 hours since my last drink, and i'm feeling pretty manic about my sobriety right now. i am enjoying much of the clarity that is coming along with it--awareness, attention, calm, present mindfulness--but i'm anticipating greater difficulties than dealing with cravings and my addictive mind. my concern is that as my thinking becomes less twisted, and my brain starts to function at it's normal capacity, i am going to begin recollecting the last ten years in a new way. i am going to begin remembering things i have repressed and justified using a fictional narrative of ommissions, distortions, and lies. if this is the case, and i imagine it is, what can be expected? is this when the real dangers of relapse make their presence felt in the most severe ways? will the addictive voice get even louder? do we, as alcoholics, ever recover blackout experiences? as our analysis of our history changes and foggy and distorted memories become clear, what then? i know the twelve steps and AA helps address this process, but i guess my ultimate question is this: how different did you begin to see yourself when this unscrambling took place, and how enormous was the impact? just curious, and i hope i made sense.

best regards,

bh

readyforhelp

Wow! I can't believe I'm reading this. Thank you, brokenhalo. For the past few months and especially today, my past has come back in flashes that make me cringe. My favorite saying is that "they put hair on my chest." I just shake my head, you know. I like how you said "once the unscrambling took place." I like to think of it as a reprogramming of sorts. The more memories that surface, the more I am able to have empathy for myself. Truly see the wonder in how I am even here now.

I don't hate myself any more than I did before. In fact, I have a new love for myself that is truly amazing. A love that has never been there before. I can actually look in the mirror and see and smile instead of just rushing by it hoping that I don't catch a glimpse of the ugly monster I know is there.

At first, the desire to medicate these found memories away was pretty great. Not so much now. Now, it's truly like a movie. A pretty interesting movie that I want to see play out.

I have not recovered any black out memories, that I am aware of.

Thank you for bringing this up. Very interesting! Good job on 80 hours! I'm glad you are here.

matt88

I find the further along I go, the more I tend to laugh at myself

brokenhalo

thank you both for the responses. i plan on cringing, i'm sure i'll eventually laugh, and i hope i hope i hope, i can love myself the way readyforhope speaks of it. thank you both

bh

vegibean

Some of what you may go through may be hard to face but the only thing that can make you relapse is yourself. Nothing can make you.

When I got sober I HAD to get real help, I went to a treatment facility with counselors and for the first week I cried a lot. I was in a safe place, got to work through a lot of things that went all the way back to my childhood and was able to deal with things that I had hanging on my shoulders. For one it was nice to hear that a lot of stuff I had to deal with was out of my control and that some of the things that were said and done were manipulation from others. I needed to let that pain go and know that I only did the best that I knew how at the time.

Humor is great as matt said!! If you can laugh your way through the journey it's going to help you. A lot of things that we have done while using we were OUT OF OUR MINDS!!! Insane. You have to look at some of those situations like this.......

"If I was sober, would I have really done that?" A lot of those answers for myself were obviously no. So what do I do? I learn, move on and I DO NOT PICK UP!!!

The journey of sobriety and recovery isn't easy but where I was mentally and physically two years ago, I don't want to be there again. I am still struggling with some difficult things today. I have a lot of "crap" on my plate but I'm going to persevere, keep the faith and I am NOT GOING TO GIVE UP ON MYSELF!!!! I AM WORTH ALL OF THE WORK I AM DOING AND HAVE DONE!!!

You are worth it too.

Stay close, go to meetings, GET A SPONSOR AND WORK THE STEPS!!! And you have this site and all the people here to support you.

YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't forget to be your biggest cheerleader. And read believe's post "The Girl in the Glass".

gravity

I have come to accept the past for what it is...I've made peace with it. I made some bad decisions but they made some sort of twisted sense at the time. I was a sick person.

It really helps to look at the big picture...my past wasn't all bad. Mostly good as a matter of fact.

Hard work (12 steps) and patience...those bad memories have lost their sharp edges.

Bottom line. I only have one life to live and I am not wasting it living in the past.

tommyk

When you start 'cringing' at recollections of past deeds...

... that is a reminder that you can do the steps to better your life.

Sobriety is great, but recovery is another level entirely.

You want to reach that level, believe me.

1_day@_a_time

recovery like most everything is a gradual process.

stay in the moment, right here & now.

don't project & get into fear.

as you mentioned, there is a very specific way to become happily & usefully whole with AA.

stay in the moment.......

Anna

I did remember things from a different perspective, once I began the journey of recovery. For example, I had convinced myself that no one outside of my family knew about my drinking, because I always drank alone, at home. After I was sober for awhile, I realized that other people had seen what was going on. So, I had to deal with those emotions.

Have faith that you will be able to deal with the feelings that come along. And, remember that feelings are just feelings. They don't control you, and you can let them go.

Surlyredhead

I had a difficult time in the beginning, there were nights that I would wake up feeling sick about something I had done, or something that had happened to me. I usually had to get out of bed and stay up to stop the "night sweats". I had gone pretty low in my drinking days, homeless, jail, running the streets, you name it. As my clean time grew, the episodes got farther apart, but they still would get me out of bed at any given hour of the night.........then, one night, I woke up feeling that knot in my stomach......and I was able to say (out loud) "Thank You God, that I am not that person anymore." and I rolled back over and fell back asleep!!!!!! That phrase has helped me through a lot of rough drinking memories, I say it still to this day, by the grace of God, over 15 years sober..."Thank you God that I am no longer that person."
....Remember, being able to forgive ourselves for being sick is one of the most powerful tools we have. Alcoholism is a disease that can happen to anyone. Remember, you are not the same person you were when drinking, give yourself a break and allow yourself to forgive you!!!

Cathy

123bubblegum123

Broken,

Early on the most important "sobriety skill" I picked up was just for today. Try to focus on living in the now, rather than fretting over the past or your future. You are doing an awesome job staying sober, and you should totally be focusing on being proud of yourself. Just worry about not drinking!

Stay safe,
Rachel

Wolfchild

One of the first awakenings i received was that i do not have to be a victim to the disease of addiction. i can arrest it through total abstinence. As long as i do not post bail to release this "enemy of life", i can continue to have many opportunities to recover from the damage that it caused. Just for today, i am free to enjoy my life and my sanity!

You can have the kind of life that is both spiritually nourishing and emotionally stable.
Don't take that first drink, go to a meeting, and help someone else stay sober today.
You can be introduced to a new way of life if you are willing to let go of the old one.

NewBeginning010

Just by the way you are reflecting & preparing yourself you are already off to a great start. Slow down a bit, I recall from some of your earlier posts that you are ready to `get this done`.

Go into this with an open mind & heart & take things as they come, they will come at the right pace if you let them.

I would like to recommend `The Power of Now` if you like to read Eckhart Tolle - The Power of Now

Good luck on your path to recovery Brokenhalo, you are doing great!



(I meant to quote someone else as well, I will be back :-) Opps... double posted here it is below

NewBeginning010

Thank you ready, I can so relate to this right now & appreciate reading that others are experiencing this exact same thing.

readyforhelp

Remember this, too. Life (and recovery) is a journey, NOT A DESTINATION!



(Thanks NB)

monkey1

Thanks for bring this up, BH. I have had a few disturbing memories come as well as a few more that I have been able to laugh at so far. I think there is a wellspring underneath the rocky soil of my mind that still has yet to surface. I hope to begin working with my therapist again when I have a year under my belt.

So true, vegi.

joedris

I can't say that I began remembering things in a new way. Nor did I remember what happened during "blackout" periods (which is probably a good thing). What happened in our alcoholic past isn't suddenly going to become clearer, and I've never encountered anyone who discovered repressed memories once sober.

The biggest thing we have to deal with concerning our past is to accept it. One of the AA promises is that "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." We usually experience a lot of pain in dealing with our alcoholic past and this is a good thing. The pain will make us stronger. We also learn to make amends to those we've harmed by our alcoholism.

So don't expect some sort of awakening or flashes of clarity about your past. Deal with the present, one day at a time. Go to AA meetings, get a sponsor, and work the steps. In that way you'll learn to deal with the past. Right now it's far more important that you deal with the present. The past isn't going to change.

flutter

That is exactly why I am thankful I was in individual counseling during the entire 'beginning'. I was not alone with all of the mental and emotional changes I was going through, and had a voice of reason and a life guide to help me navigate getting to know myself, and my life. It's still a daily process, I'm coming up on 7 months now.. and I know I'm far from where I was in those first few tender months..

CarolD

All my remorse and guilt were removed when I did my
Formal AA Steps 4&5.

Glad to know you are planning for a sober healthy future...

Jade19

Thank you so much for posting this. I am newly sober and am starting to have memories flash up here and there and to be honest it makes me a bit anxious. Some memories go as far back as ten years. It's a very odd sensation since I feel like I can smell it, taste it and feel it, really reliving the memory I guess. Some memories have me acting like an idiot, saying ridiculous things and I just shut my mind's eye and try to breath it all out. I haven't remembered a black out yet and God willing I won't...thanks again for posting this =)

~Reb