jade09

Today is day 32 for me....I'm already struggling-mentally-..I am functioning ok...going to school and working, but my mind is already trying to break me. I found something I wrote down the last time I f*cked up---and I am just trying to find some strength to not give into myself??? Sounds so pathetic, but I am my own problem and no one can do anything about it but me. I'm so tired of this. I do not want to drink, but my mind is always thinking it.
So thought I would share a bit of it..............

I need to fix myself and make me better-I need to focus all my strength and energy on making the right decisions, improving my life, my health and my way of thinking.
I need to stop pretending I’m ok and allowing myself to give into alcohol. I know over the years my body and mind have become addicted to alcohol. I know that even when I try and talk myself down from drinking, my body and mind are not thinking this and it is entirely up to my heart and soul to over power this addiction to alcohol. Everyday, every experience, every situation I am in my mind is already thinking of ways to get alcohol into my body. I do not try or want to think this way, but without any hesitation my thoughts are always thinking of where there is alcohol. How can I get it and how can I control myself if I do get it so that I do not get caught. I do not have a choice on these thoughts entering my mind, they just come with no effort at all, but I do have control of my actions, so I am ultimately at fault. I need to find the strength to not act on these thoughts and not be that person I hate so much. I need to accept that my mind and body are addicted right now but that I do have the power not to drink. It sounds so simple, I just have to do it already and be the person I truly am and want to live the rest of my life as. It is just a miserable way to live. I need to change. Now.

baldjim

buddy i could of written that myself

good luck ..we can do it i have lost count of the days now thirty something

OZboy

kudos........lol. Oz..

Anna

Hi Jade,

You can accept the thoughts as they come to you, and recognize them for what they are - your addict-mind, and then you can release them.

It sounds like you're doing great! Be proud of yourself for how far you've come and know that you can get through whatever comes along.

Chamabama

I'm sorry you're struggling, hun! Did reading what you wrote help? Can you think of something else that might help? I wish I had some wisdom to offer.

There was a link to an article on one of these threads that helped me a bit. I'm sorry that I don't remember who/where it is. But it said that science has shown that everytime we say no to the urges, that that neural pathway is dimished, and the "no" pathway is strenghtened. I'm hugely paraphrasing here, but basically what I took out of it is a bit of comfort that it won't always be this hard and that everytime I say no to myself, I am re-training my brain. Gives me a bit of hope.

I'm thinking of you! :ghug3

Dee74

Jade

I fought myself for a lot of years too.

I don;t know if any of this helps you, but one of the things that helped me was one day at a time - I made a commitment that I would not drink today - some days it was 'I will not drink this hour' - but I made it through many a dark time that way. I can think what I like but my actions are conscious decisions - sounds like you're on that track already.

I also stopped fighting myself. I accepted I was an alcoholic and that drinking was not an option if I wanted to live.

I also accepted my brain would think alcoholic thoughts from time to time - I learned to recognise them and negate them by playing the tape through - looking at what the consequences of my drinking have been and what they were likely to be this time.

The energy I spent fighting myself is way better put to living correctly

I also learned I had to reach out and ask for the support and help of others - before it was too late. We may be our own problem and perhaps no one can do anything about it but me....but we don't have to do it alone.

SR is a godsend in that respect for me, and I'm pleased to see you using it too Jade
Keep posting!

D

Believe808

Hi Honey, I am so glad to see you posting, I have been thinking of you lately. Jade you are doing great, your disease wants you to be miserable, don't give in to it. Like Dee said just promise yourself for even 1 hour at a time you won't drink. It really does get better, hang in there. I'm here if you need me, I hope you know that.

Aysha

You have no idea how much I get that. And honestly. Reading your post kinda calmed my own freaking out down a bit.
Reading these parts especially...

All that is so dead on to me right now. You have helped me in a big way with those statements right there.
Seriously. Thank you.
So it is possible and it is simple really.
Feelings are just that. They change all the time.
But we never ever have to act on feelings.
Hang in there.

NewBeginning010

Hope you are feeling better Jade ;-)

least

I often feel I'm at war with myself, it's an uncomfortable feeling, to say the least. I understand what you're feeling. Be strong! You can do this!

jade09

Thank you all for the support---it seems like I've been living this way for so long, so actually sharing these thoughts for once instead of convincing myself I'm ok and I can beat this on my own and just burying the thoughts and feelings---It feels good to just let it out.
Thanks for listening...being there...and sharing.
Chiynita--glad it helped, even if just alittle or just for tonight....I'm completely burnt out on the overwhelming thoughts that invade my every day....I'm just trying to ignore them, not even give them a chance to turn into a real thought. Almost like I'm putting up road blocks?? I don't know....it's exhausting right now, hopefully it fades soon. I've just been struggling for too long and feel like it has to end now, I just can't go back to where I was 32 days ago....I don't think my life as I know it, or want it to be would recover from another f*ck up.
Thank you all

shaun00

Thats so similar to how i felt its scary...
Just when i thought it was just a case of putting the drink down and my life would fall into place.

Lots of my life did start to fall into place......but my head didnt..
i was consumed with it...everyone else seem to light up after a couple of weeks...i didnt.

i was sick and twisted mentally.......unable to cope with life on lifes terms.
unable to turn my head off and have some relief
i would pick up a drink again and again........and got relief......briefly..

id done meeting till i was blue in the face....it just was having no effect on my mental state...
i felt different from the other drinkers i met......well most of them anyway..

i met a guy that told me of a program of recovery.......in a book.
id seen this book in meetings....heard bits of it.
long story short i spent a long time with that guy as he explain to me what was wrong and how he found relief in the steps.

i have to be honest..........i didnt think it would work for me....i was different.
but i have to say i saw alot of myself in that book.
so i jumped in and started to do step work with this guys guildance.

quite quickly i began to feel better........that driven feeling to drink started to lift......the unfounded fears started to seem false.
within 3 months id stopped looking at the ground.....my aggression subsided.
.
im not gonna say any of this was easy because at times...it was pretty uncomfortable.......but i didnt have another solution....i didnt have the courage to end it all either.

i continued to work through the steps........and i started to see the real me.
or rather what i had become...
i realized over time that the problem all along was me...and how bitter and twisted id become over the years.

looking back im amazed.........i was as sceptical as the next drunk.
i was a low bottom gutter drunk.
Every since i met that guy........i havent drank again....and i dont intend to.
on september 1st it will be nine years...

i hear alot on here that aa doesnt work for them....i said it plenty.
but i dont hear much that the 12 steps dont work for them....
there is vastly more available than fellowship.

when that guy come towards me in august 2000 i thought....here we go ...another god squad with a silly catch phrase.
man i was full of bs.

thats how i got away from how you feel..........i know how you feel and above is what i did.

god bless you.

jade09

hey trucker....thank u for sharing...you must be proud of the 9 years in the making..congrats on your journey!!!
I am at a point where I am starting to look to a future where I can finally be free from the shame and depression....I have been trying to do this for about 4 years....I go for awhile, and then my mind eventually wears me down and my thoughts are distorted into thinking I can drink.....Like so many others who post, it is way too many ups and WAY DOWNS.....I don't want to be this person anymore, maybe the step program would help?? but right now I feel like its mostly a battle againist myself more than the alcohol at this point.....
I feel I've drank away so much of the good in me, I'm wasted away to a shallow person with a fake smile.....I want to just be happy again, without all the shame, guilt and regret. I want myself back without the stupid drunk girl waiting to be set free.

Horselover

Have you been checked out for depression Jade? If you have depression, medically that is, it would be hard to move on. I was just wondering because depression is pretty serious in and of itself.

I didn't get it right away either. It was very hard for me to admit I am an alcoholic and it took many years before I could finally say goodbye to it. I tried in my 20s, 30s, and now, hopefully, got it in my 40s. I knew from the first time I picked up a drink in highschool I was different from the rest. I fought many years to convince myself otherwise though. There is hope and you will do it. Key is not to give up.

It really is a battle against the addictive mind. There is a great book I read not too long ago and maybe you already know of it "Under the Influence." It really helped explain things and helped me to stop bashing myself as some sort of weak person. It isn't a character defect. There is a reason we can't metabolize alcohol like other people. Any ways, putting it out there for you if you haven't heard about it. There's a lot of controversy regarding this ideology, but I, needless to say, lean toward the thinking that we are wired differently.

I like to say I have drank enough alcohol for a party of 20 people in my lifetime (maybe and probably more then that) and my party is over. Don't look back with regret. Look towards the future and what an incredible person you are becoming by staying sober. The past is over but the future can be so much better. Step out of the shadows Jade. Definitely try a program if you need some face to face support. It can't hurt and its definitely a plus to have someone to call, but use SR too. You obviously know how and I am proud of you for doing it now. Hugs - Sarah

jade09

Horselover/Sarah
Thanks for your words!!! I've seen a therapist a few times, but no real depression eval....I also knew pretty much from one of my first drunks that alcohol had a serious effect on me...I started drinking alone and always hid it, or at least how much I drank....I've always known in the back of my mind....and even thought to myself for years that i had to control myself because I never wanted to actually have to quit for good...But here I am, and now there's nothing I want more than to quit for good, but I've failed so many times....it's ridiculous----Just like everyone else I guess...half of me still wants to drink even though the other half hates it?!?!
I havn't read that book....but have read other similiar ones with the same message....but I am in a transitional stage right now, and about 90% of my belongings are in storage, including all my books...so I have been wanting to get some new ones to read....thanks
My approach this time to beating this is much different this time around...finding this website has given me a place to start letting out some of this stuff from my head i usually just ignore and push down, put on a happy face and pretend I'm strong enough to do this on my own. I know this is foolish behavior, it has failed me for years, so I'm trying to change.....thanks for your support!!!!!

tcounselor

Hey Jade,

If your mind wasn't constantly reminding you to drink you probably wouldn't be here. Most of us have experienced this also. It is the nature of our disease. Remember they are just toughts and they will pass. It's when we entertain these thoughts that we feel distress. By entertaining, I mean fantasizing about drinking, arguing with your self about having these thoughts, and believing these thoughts are true. Just accept them as part of the process of recovery. Watch them come and watch them go because they have no power over you for they are just thoughts.
Doing something good for yourself and others is a good way to lessen their appeal.

This too shall pass

I hope this helps, Tom

tyler

Jade, if you go over to the Alcoholism forum, up in the "sticky" section are some excerpts from "Under the Influence". Might help you get through untill you can pick up a copy. Take care.

Here's a link to it
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

jade09

thank u all for the support....another day and still in control...

Alcohol has been in my life for so long, I sometimes feel like the person I think I am may not exist??
I feel like I am a good person, except for the selfishness I feel when it comes to me choosing alcohol over all else....
I am now thinking that there is no good left in me and I have been fooling myself into thinking there is still a descent human being left in here.....the past several years have been a mirage, a fake smile--me pretending I am happy and living a good life, when I really know deep down it's a front....
I've allowed alcohol to ruin so much of my life--I feel like I don't even know who I am....
I'm so tired of pretending--and I am trying to find a way to prove to myself and loved ones that even though I am an alcoholic, I do care about more than myself/alcohol and that I am a good person, and I do want to live a better life, as the person I think I am, feel I am---but because of my actions is too hard to see?.....
How does one distinquish between one's true self, and the haunting alcoholic part?? Am I just this pathetic weak selfish little girl who chooses alcohol over everything--or am I a smart strong caring woman I know I am when I do not drink??

jimhere

"I need to fix myself and make me better...."


There's your problem right there. It is called self-obsession, and you can't fix your mind with your mind. In fact the more you dwell on it, the more obsessed it becomes and it just kind of feeds on itself.