four812

I need to vent a little bit:

I'm resentful and bored today and it has been building up and coming and going. so i don't like how i'm feeling as it's uncomfortable. these are the two big poisons that lead me to the poison of wanting to use/drink...as they bring me discomfort and i don't like the discomfort and i don't want to feel the discomfort and my habit is to numb out or think that I can feel good if i use.

my mind knows that if i use it will not work. I will not even feel good for more than a very short while at best, and I will not be able to run from it for very long either (at best the numbing will be over by the next morning).

i don't want to do anything, i'm fighting the world and my mind thoughts. but here i am. there's a tiny bit of light in me or at least a little bit of desire to grow towards god/universe/love (whatever that means i don't care)..........but that tiny bit of light at least cares a little bit about heading toward the light.

so I pray (which i dont' do much anymore)....I pray for strength to move in the right direction. I pray for the desire to pick some recovery tools this morning and to practice them. anything. I pray to pick out some or one of the better tools.

underneath my anger and boredom is fear. i am feeling fear. i'm fearful of my employment future and what will happen after i'm laid off. i'm fearful of the unknown. i'm fearful of my death someday. i'm fearful of not being loved and of being unloveable. i'm fearful that others don't like me. i'm fearful that I might be one of the people who feel great physical pain someday and I don't want to take my turn in that if it comes.

so I pray for the sense to know these fears...to sit with these fears...and to move through them and not try to hid them as is my past practice. i pray that i may be open to letting them be exposed.

ok....thanks universe and thanks sr. i'm thankful for the chance to be able to express these feelings on the internet.

peace

vegibean

ks I can relate to so much of what you said in your post. I feel like my life is falling apart right before my very eyes.

The one thing that is helping me is by staying proactive in what I CAN DO to fix the situation. It still looks crappy but it's better (for me) to be doing something. What little things I get done are small accomplishments but they're still tiny little victories.

As for all of your fears, we all have them too. I've been freaking out in fear for days!!!! IT SUCKS!!!!! But I do have my good moments and I just have to keep having faith that I am more powerful than what is going on around me. When I realize that, I'm empowered. When I am proactive, I'm empowered.

Keep posting. No matter what, no matter what..............

Hang in there and keep the faith. :ghug

ChameleonBoy

Keeping your focus where it should be right now is important. Take your focus off the fears you have of future things that haven't happened yet and focus on that tiny bit of light. You mentioned praying for the desire to pick some recovery tools, for me prayer is a big one. Why aren't you praying as much? The fears you have are pretty common, have you prayed to have them removed?

I had a little over a year of sobriety and you sound just like me not long before I picked up a drink again. I'm not saying you will but what you just shared hear pretty much described me in relapse before I drank. If I may repeat that, you are in relapse right now you just haven't picked up a drink yet. Maintaining your spiritual fitness or perhaps in your case right now getting it back is important. What were you doing in the past when you were doing so well? You mentioned praying more but what else were you doing? Are there other area's that you have begun to neglect as well that you can start doing again?

Let go of your fears, give them to God/universe/love. That's where they belong.

I always like your posts and know from reading them you have the tools to stay sober. Refocus my friend.

least

Just coming here and venting feelings can be a big help in defusing them before they explode. Keep venting your feelings and fears, we're here to listen!:ghug2

Aysha

I know that getting things out makes all the difference sonmetimes for me.
I do it alot here.
I see alot of projecting from you. Try to stay in the moment.
Everything can change at any moment. And nothing is a given.
So just stay in the now and hang on.
You know we are here for you.

KenL

I'm struck by two things in your message ksplash5.

The first is your unabashed honesty. It can be a hard thing to expose our souls out there for people to see and risk having them find fault in us or tell us what to do. So I see a courageous person in you. I also see some wisdom as well and lots of introspection on what is going on inside of you. That is really cool!

The second thing revolves around your description of your fears. I sometimes have fears that are akin to yours. There are times when I get an overwhelming sensation of dread. This dread hovers over me until I can figure out what it is specifically that is in my sub-concious mind. It's not easy. I don't always know what causes it and sometimes I just have to wait until it passes. You seem to be dealing with it rather well.

You say that you pray to let those fears be exposed. I think you're doing a great job of that right here on SR. Not only that though, you've also perhaps unknowingly revealed some really neat qualities about yourself.

Peace.

four812

thank you for your insights and kind responses.

i'm about to leave work...

i have a good schedule tonight...starting with therapy first...then a meeting...then some time with my girlfriend.

I'll try to stay focused on getting through this day without a drink or drug. crack has been myt main problem for the last 9 years, but i've had a few notions for a drink today.

so I pray for the desire to stay clean to remain steadfast, and that this desire be more than my desire to drink.

thanks again

Aysha

I have complete faith in you ksplash. I know you can do it.

four812

yesterday was a sucessful today..

today i'm starting off similar to yesterday....kind've in the dumps

received a memo from management of my impending layoff next friday

i need to stay in today.