Did 63 days, then...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 82
Did 63 days, then...
Hello!
I used to post on here a few months back, saying how I was going to go 90 days sober then try drinking casually/socially again. Well...
I made it 63 days and then decided to get drunk one night. The suspense was killing me, as to what booze would do to me after not drinking for so long. I got drunk, woke up Sunday, and everything was fine. From then til now, once or twice a week, I would go out drinking. Each time, a plan to drink 3 or 4 beers turned in to two-day-long benders. I would drink heavily the one night, then pretty much start up again the next day once I woke up... I would come to my senses the following day, and take 3, 4, even 5 days off before trying again... and the same exact thing happened each time! I finally wised up after this past weekend's bender and realized I need to get sober for real. Not for some arbitrary time period, but for good. I realize I just can't stop drinking once I start drinking. Anyway, thanks for the previous support, and I will be back around these boards a lot more going forward!
I used to post on here a few months back, saying how I was going to go 90 days sober then try drinking casually/socially again. Well...
I made it 63 days and then decided to get drunk one night. The suspense was killing me, as to what booze would do to me after not drinking for so long. I got drunk, woke up Sunday, and everything was fine. From then til now, once or twice a week, I would go out drinking. Each time, a plan to drink 3 or 4 beers turned in to two-day-long benders. I would drink heavily the one night, then pretty much start up again the next day once I woke up... I would come to my senses the following day, and take 3, 4, even 5 days off before trying again... and the same exact thing happened each time! I finally wised up after this past weekend's bender and realized I need to get sober for real. Not for some arbitrary time period, but for good. I realize I just can't stop drinking once I start drinking. Anyway, thanks for the previous support, and I will be back around these boards a lot more going forward!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
dabears,
I couldn't moderate either but kept trying until I was sure! One thing I learned about me was I got worse, the disease never "took time out" and I never got control once it was gone!
Welcome back!
Love,
Lenina
I couldn't moderate either but kept trying until I was sure! One thing I learned about me was I got worse, the disease never "took time out" and I never got control once it was gone!
Welcome back!
Love,
Lenina
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
dabears,
I couldn't moderate either but kept trying until I was sure! One thing I learned about me was I got worse, the disease never "took time out" and I never got control once it was gone!
Welcome back!
Love,
Lenina
I couldn't moderate either but kept trying until I was sure! One thing I learned about me was I got worse, the disease never "took time out" and I never got control once it was gone!
Welcome back!
Love,
Lenina
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 957
dabears,
Could not of expressed that any plainer, could of written what you shared, word for word.
I too was a bring drinker. Never could have 1 or 2. "One was too much and ten was never enough." The crazy thinking that I could control my drinking and maybe was successful once or twice. Waking up to the mess, unable to remember, the money I spend, the people I hurt or the ones I wasn't there for, the sick call in.
This can be behind you. "One day at a time.' Glad you are here, I need to be reminded.
Could not of expressed that any plainer, could of written what you shared, word for word.
I too was a bring drinker. Never could have 1 or 2. "One was too much and ten was never enough." The crazy thinking that I could control my drinking and maybe was successful once or twice. Waking up to the mess, unable to remember, the money I spend, the people I hurt or the ones I wasn't there for, the sick call in.
This can be behind you. "One day at a time.' Glad you are here, I need to be reminded.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 666
Welcome back, dabears.
Thanks for your post and honesty. If I'm ever interested in doing and research or experimentation myself your post will remind me that it always ends the same.
Hang in there and keep coming.
Mike
Thanks for your post and honesty. If I'm ever interested in doing and research or experimentation myself your post will remind me that it always ends the same.
Hang in there and keep coming.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Welcome back DeBears. I too tried for years to moderate...nearly killed me before I finally at age 50, after coming very very close to death, accepted that moderation is not posssible for ME. Good luck to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 82
Thanks for the replies everybody! I have been reading that it is "progressive" and definitely noticed that during my experiment over the last month. Even if I was with friends that knew what I was going through, after the 3rd or 4th drink, I would sweet talk them if they gave me grief about drinking more, I convinced everyone to go out later even though they wanted to go home, and kept my friend and his wife up til the wee hours with sob stories, while I took giant gulps from an open bottle of wine I found in their cabinet. Then after they went to bed, I found a bottle of wine in their fridge, popped it and drank until I passed out. In the morning (well, noonish) I found the bottle half full on the kitchen counter, and proceeded to finish it. After that, it was off to a bar...
and never in that whole time did I have one second of clarity. If I had the occasional fleeting thought of "I should probably go home.", the drunken maniac that I was would just cackle as if I was telling myself a hilarious joke... "Good one!"
It's different now compared to how I drank even a year or two ago. I can notice the progressive part has reached another stage. and its scary that it can progress further than how I behave now when I drink!
I think I've finally accepted the fact that once I start drinking, I can't stop myself from continuing to drink. What I can do is accept that as fact. What I can control, moreso, is to just not drink. And get myself to my first AA meeting...one of these days.
and never in that whole time did I have one second of clarity. If I had the occasional fleeting thought of "I should probably go home.", the drunken maniac that I was would just cackle as if I was telling myself a hilarious joke... "Good one!"
It's different now compared to how I drank even a year or two ago. I can notice the progressive part has reached another stage. and its scary that it can progress further than how I behave now when I drink!
I think I've finally accepted the fact that once I start drinking, I can't stop myself from continuing to drink. What I can do is accept that as fact. What I can control, moreso, is to just not drink. And get myself to my first AA meeting...one of these days.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by dabears34 
What I can control, moreso, is to just not drink.
Originally Posted by dabears34
And get myself to my first AA meeting...one of these days
I apologize for my playful tone. I'm just having a little fun because I hear this kind of thing so often. Now that moderating your drinking is not an option, does the idea of not drinking for a year sound doable? How about quit drinking for good and all? Maybe you already know the answers without doing the experiment.
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