lauraandersen4

By Wednesday of last week, I felt fine. No more headache, no more pins and needles (which scared the heck outta me while they persisted!)...these things were pretty mild anyway, so it could have probably been from anything, technically. So... driving up to my hometown 9 hours away for the 4th of July I already had a 'what's the big deal anyway' attitude. I had set myself up for drinking... and I figured I can handle this, everyone else will be drinking.

I got up there on Thursday and as I sat with my inlaws and my family, I took care of a little over 1/2 a bottle of wine... not too bad. When the 4th rolled around, I CHOSE to drink. I didn't crave it... I didn't NEED it... I just simply said "What's the difference?"

The day of the party, I didn't act like an a$$. I moved through 1 1/2 bottles of wine, some Crown and Jack, a couple of margaritas and vodka tonic. A bunch of my family members (including my inlaws) were making comments to me and others... most thought it was just funny that I had a drink in my hand every single minute and was laughing a lot and overly social. My buzz wore off despite continuous drinking and I just didn't care... I didn't grab a coke or some water, I just grabbed more vodka, never regaining that feeling.

Now I wonder how I looked... how I acted... how blatent it was... Point is that I didn't NEED it. I WANTED it and so I had it. Because of this, I don't even feel it was a 'failure' on my part, not alcoholic behavior... if only I could get a handle on when to stop... If only I cared enough once I started to say enough is enough. I COULD stop, I just don't think to... or care to.

Obviously, this isn't causing anything more than minor occasional problems, people laugh it off largely. I regret it after, but others don't seem to mind (aside from one friend and she is likely overreacting)... I'll be around anyway, but I'm wondering how strong my desire truly is to change this in my life.

Thanks for listening and I wish you all continued success.

Waterman

I don't know.....wish I had a comment. Self-diagnosis can be tricky....

CarolD

I find it is pointless to try to convince anyone
on how to live their life

All my best Laura...whatever you decide ..

Dee74

LOL I feel like Don Quixote now....

Hi fake Laura
I'm not sure what to say here. You seem 'fine' about this, even resigned. Ok.

To me tho there are a number of red flags - what you drank is not a moderate amount, regardless of what you felt from it....in fact the fact it didn't affect you noticeably is, to me, a worry.

And statements like these - I had a drink in my hand every single minute... my buzz wore off despite continuous drinking and I just didn't care...I didn't grab a coke or some water, I just grabbed more vodka, never regaining that feeling.

That all sounds very much like 'me', to me....and I'm a died in the wool, never gonna turn back the tide, alcoholic.

and this?

This was not only me, I think it's just about every alcoholic on this board.

This was me, too - right up until a couple of years before I stopped...and then I lost it very very badly indeed...and by that stage I didn't even care about that.

I'm not saying you're me - but I am saying that I disagree, Laura -this sounds exactly like classic alcoholic behaviour to me...

Don't lead your self astray with semantics - wanting is every bit as worrisome as needing it...in fact I think it's pretty redundant distinction to be honest.

You've been posting here regularly - yet you did not, maybe could not, get through the weekend without alcohol. That has to be a pause for thought, surely?

I didn't find that 'desire for change' until it was almost literally too late. I was very good at rationalising my behaviour. Too good.

I hope you stay around - I wish I'd have come here earlier and challenges a few of my ideas. It might have made a difference.

D

SelfSeeking

Ummm... it's possible that the chuckles about your always having a drink in your hand were polite hints to ease up. All I know is that one of the best things about sobriety is not having to wonder if people could tell how out of control I was and if my perception of the situation was accurate. And I looked at the post about your 59 year old friend who is so upset about how you behave when you drink. Think about it: You are basically saying that getting wasted at a barbecue means more to you than this friend. Why is it such a big deal to drink?
But until you're ready to stop (if that happens) happy drinking! If you're not ready, you're not ready and it's not going to stick.

tallcactus

Could not of said it any better Dee74!
Laura, you have way too many red flags. Selfseeking is so right, you are not ready and you aren't listening.

Chamabama

Like all kids, I was inundated with messages about drugs and addiction and to 'just say no', etc. I was told many times that if I did drugs, I would immediately become addicted and then I would not be abe to stop. I would need drugs. You see, somehow, in my child's mind I had twisted the "addicted need" into something magical. I didn't have a clear picture of what 'not being able to stop' really looked like. Maybe a monster kept shoving pills down your throat? Some sort of physical incapability to not put pills in my mouth? The school did their job well, I was scared to death.

Years later, I started smoking. I remember the day I realized with horror that I was addicted to nicotine. And it was then that I realized the true meaning of being unable to stop. It didn't mean that I was physically compelled to bring the cigarette to my mouth. I obviously didn't 'need' one.

It meant that I was mentally incapable of maintaining the desire to stop. If I tried to quit, I quickly lost my desire to be a non-smoker. My mind would fill with delusions about why I wanted a cigarette and how it wasn't that bad, etc. And then, based upon truly delusion thoughts and twisted logic, I would "choose" to pick up a cigarette. Nobody nor no thing forced me. It was my choice, right? Nevermind that my head was filled with lies and justifications. That's pretty much my over-simplified working definition of addiction: The inability to maintain the desire to stay quit.

Being honest with one's self is a tricky and difficult road. But well worth it. I wish you the best of luck. We'll be here if you need us.

least

I really hope you want to stop drinking soon, before it gets worse, and it will get worse.

lauraandersen4

I know this is all very frustrating to you...trust me. The progress I made in accepting that I may have a problem with alcohol was washed away when I started drinking again this weekend. It seems counterintuitive to me too! I appreciate the responses and expected as much. It is frustrating for me as well... I just don't want to go overboard thinking that I have a problem that I may not have if it is going to reduce the feeling I get or the fun I have.

Furthermore, I don't want to cause anyone here to question if they truly had a problem and then go back to drinking. Because of this, if it is better for me not to post, I'll hang low for a while. Until then... I'm going back to my pre 4th plan of trying not to drink. I do feel much better the following morning if nothing else.

Thanks for your posts.

smacked

Denial often runs deep in addicts/alcoholics. Good luck with drinking, it sounds like it goes just fabulously for you (sarcasm).

I am SO happy that I don't have to obsess about it like that anymore.. makes my head spin reading you dance around all this! If drinking is THAT vitally important and beneficial to your life, by all means... totally your choice to continue, as it's all of ours here as well. No thank you!

Dee74

Like I said I think it's good you're posting here Laura - whatever you ultimately decide, you'll have at least had the chance to make an informed decision by reading a variety of opinions.

Don't worry about influencing others - if nothing else, there's plenty of counterweight here LOL

I reckon you seem like you can take the heat...keep posting
D

Anna

That's the whole point.

coffeenut

I choose sobriety. It's easier than all that other crap.

suki44883

I just don't want to go overboard thinking that I have a problem that I may not have if it is going to reduce the feeling I get or the fun I have.

Sorry, but this is classic alcoholic behavior. As has been said by others, we'll be here if and when you choose to step out of denial and begin living a sober life. Good luck to you, Laura.

tommyk

On a positive note...

I am glad to see someone fully admit that they consciously, willingly, and knowingly chose to drink rather than explaining it as a 'slip' or a 'fall'.

lauraandersen4

I apologize for putting this back to square one after all of the posts trying to help me. Nevertheless, they are appreciated. Truth is I'm not happy about drinking... I hate it after the fact. I wish I didn't feel that it was so important to my life. Fact of the matter is that I don't like to burden those I know with what I'm going through (hence bringing it to an annonymous forum)... I'm not outwardly emotional over stressful things in my life... and I can't even remember the last time that I cried... probably 7-8 yrs+? I like giving others the confidence that I am in complete control over my life, my emotions etc, so rather than feeling what I'm feeling... rather than confronting a problem head on, I try to kill it altogether with alcohol until I stop thinking about it. It isn't all the time but lately has gotten much, much more frequent as I have mentioned.

As result... I am probably more emotionally screwed up than everyone I try to impress with faux stoicism.

Please understand where I'm coming from. I'm bothered that people have lost confidence in me here, but I understand it... and I deserve it 100%. I have no idea how this is going to change.

littlebluedog

I Then why not choose not to drink if it's no biggie?

Posting on alcoholism boards and making alcohol a focal point of social functions might be a reason to take a good look into whether or not you have a problem. jmho.

Whether you are or aren't an alcoholic, it's good to remember that alcoholism is a progressive disease. I didn't start out hiding my liquor or having blackouts and embarrassing myself in front of people I respected, but alcoholism made sure I got there.

Best wishes to you and big hugs.

keithj

I don't know if you have a problem or not. I do know that at one time or another, almost every alcoholic has made this claim. I didn't need to drink, I wanted to. I know I said I wasn't going to drink, but I changed my mind. I promise myself and others I won't drink, but this time is different. I swear to god and everything else I'm going to be sober today, and I'm still drunk by day's end.

That's the usual progression. You, at one time, based on your own experience, decided not to drink. You drank. Call it whatever you want.

Anna

Laura,

I could have written those exact same words years ago, absolutely exact. No one had any idea what I was feeling...until the burden became too much, and I fell apart.

lauraandersen4

Thank you guys. I'm positive there are at least 5 people on this board who will be pretty disappointed (the reason I didn't post on the 4th or 5th) in me but I wanted to be honest. It's one thing I have going for me.