janitorking

tomorrow i'm meeting with a person from my past whom i wish to make ammends with. this person is someone who i was intimately involved with for over 2 years. i know that if this step were going to be an easy one i'd probably be doing something wrong. i've been dreading step 9 more than any of the others since i started working the program. step 9 is for me is the one where you truly face the music. it's looking yourself in the mirror, accepting how much of a b*stard you've been and trying to make peace with a lot of people who really have no reason to forgive you. it's only when you face the people you've devastated that you truly grasp the full spectrum of the insanity that is alcoholism. needless to say, i will not drink today.
love and hope,
the janitorking

NewBeginning010

Good luck janitorking may they appreciate what you are doing, understand, appreciate & forgive you.

However it turns out remember that you are doing all you can do "now" and in the future. By doing this you are doing everything you can about the past.

May peace & happiness be with you ;-)

NB

keithj

It's also the step where you get a lot of freedom. If the previous steps were done thoroughly, then this done from a place of humility, gratitude, and sincerity at truly setting things right.

Well done!

Wolfchild

May the God of your understanding help you
to make the amends you need to make.

joedris

You sound a bit apprehensive. Keep one thing in mind when you make amends, and I'm sure your sponsor has mentioned it. It's our responsibility to own up to the damage we've done others, and thus we try to amend for that damage. However, those who have been on the receiving end of our insanity have no responsibility to accept our amends. They can tell us, and they often do, to shove it. But that's their problem. We, in trying to make amends, have done our part. And then we move on.

McGowdog

So if you were in a relationship with them for a couple of years, there's likely to be a couple or a few things...

In any case, I suggest that you be clear on the harm. How did you harm them?... a brief description of x number of things.

How you approach the amend, it's up to you. It's sometimes best to not burden them with some heavy trip, but keep it light. Tell them you're doing this step 9 amend thing and go to it.

When I make an amend to someone, I set it up that way, and be sincere and show contrition and I tell them this, "This is how I've harmed you. I did this, this, this, and that." Then you might step back and let them talk or maybe even give them the opportunity to share their feelings on it or even "add to the list."

Either way, you're there to clean off your side of the street.

Then, the important one, "What can I do to set these matters straight?"

Then listen.

I would arrange to be brief, be brilliant, and be gone. When it's wrapped up, don't stick around. Have a plan to exit stage left and let them sit with it if need be.

If they forgive you, wonderful. Icing on the cake. At no time do I usually just say, "I'm sorry." I'd rather hand them a $50.00 bill than say, "I'm sorry."

Those are some basics that have worked well for me.

The worst things you could do is to not be clear on the harm and to bring up their business.

Hope it goes well.

shaun00

i like that ....be brief be brilliant and be gone.

A good few of my amends were made highly stressful by my approach..

A kind of...not pause for breath ...garbled nervous blurt...lol

good advice... pause...think about your approach and keep it light.

thankyou mcgowdog...

tommyk

Don't forget step 3.

And with a step 9 visit I always ask myself, "Am I truly sorry for what I did...?"

If I truly am... then the amends is honest, forthcoming, and true.

Grow with it, grow from it.