keithj

Effortjoy,

I'm a big believer that there is nothing magical about not drinking. There is no freedom from delusion that comes from not drinking. Something else is required. You may be a very unique kind of person that actually benefits from alcohol. However, you may be an alcoholic who lives in delusion. That delusion is not easily revealed. How would you know?

For myself, I used to think the same as you. I would meet high level folks at work, half drunk, and give these amazing presentations. Or so I thought. I truly believed that I performed better at work with the "inspiration" that alcohol provided.

It was the same with my son. I truly believed that I was more energetic, more fun, more playful when I was drinking. I could not see that I was resentful at him. Resentful at a five year old? You bet. I had put out of my mind the nights of watching the clock just waiting for his bedtime. Just wishing he'd hurry up and go to sleep. I didn't think about the broken promises, the days spent 'napping'.

It wasn't until I recovered that I was free of the delusions. It wasn't until I made amends that I was free of the resentment.

I had to recover in order to see the truth. It's only in hindsight that I can see the truth about myself. Are you different?

mistycshore

Effort, remember why you quit:

One day I looked in the mirror and couldn't recognize myself. Though I always ran and maintained my weight even during the worst of my drinking binges- I looked bloated, dark circles under the eyes, bloodshot eyes and my once sharp thinking abilities were definitely dulling into "brain fog." I didn't want to be this kind of mother. I didn't want to be this kind of person.

You can work through the impatience; it's not of utmost importance that you are at the top of your game at work. Neither circumstance is permanent.

I bet your kids would rather have a sober mom than one who must be supervised while parenting. Hang in there.

adore79

Just like with artists who think that they cant be creative without booze/drugs, your cognitive abilities will improve with time, and be better than before. I recommend doing brain-exercising puzzles, like sudoku, to help get the "juices" flowing. Good luck!

gravity

These were two of the first delusions to go along with the one that I could somehow learn to control & enjoy alcohol.

My delusions were a bit different. I honestly used to believe that because I was a good husband, father, & worker when I was sober, it was okay for me to go on drinking binges. People should shut up, accept it, and just be grateful for all the good I did! Such BS.

Truth be told? I was a horrible husband, a part-time father (missing or hungover quite often), and an unreliable employee.

I had to get over myself and accept the truth.

I have been sober for over 18 months and I am 100 X a better man than I used to be. I am reliable, loving, kind, and I can be trusted. My family is happy & I am the go-to guy at work.

Alcohol did absolutely nothing good for me. I just couldn't keep rationalizing it anymore. It's about facing reality.

Wolfchild

My illusions were the the only reasons i had left to continue using, even though the reality was that i was really killing myself. "Just one more time, it'll be different", worked until i totally lost the ability to even make that decision. i had to use because i was caught in the grip of active addiction. i did what my addiction told me to do when it told me to do it. Reasons no longer mattered to me anymore. Reality became a luxury that i could not afford because it got in the way of getting, using, & finding ways and means to get more. Isloation became preferable because the more reality continued to resurface, the harder i used. Thank God the pain became so unbearable as to produce enough desperation within me that no drug or drink could suffocate! Disgusted with myself when i crawled into my first N.A. meeting? Oh yeah! Hopeless? Definatly! But i had just enough faith that i would receive the help i needed just by showing up. i didn't even ask for help and people helped me anyway! Why? Because they were so grateful for their own gift of recovery that they gave it to me.

Illusions and reality continue to be indentified for me every day that i live the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions of a simple and spiritual program of recovery known as Narcotics Anonymous. i have a chance each day where i will find my place and purpose as long as i stay clean. i have a choice of what direction i will go in each day that i am alive.

i sincerly hope that you will talk with your sponsor about what you are going through at this time. i have a sincere hope that you will apply yourself to a way of life that involves working the Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions of a spiritually centered fellowship. i encourage you to attend meetings of recovery and share about what you are thinking or feeling so that you can find relief from the devastation that addiction/alcoholism has wrought upon your life. Please keep coming back to find the acceptance and surrender within yourself that makes this new way of life possible for anyone with a desire to experience ongoing freedom from self-obsession.

Ortho

Hi Effortjoy,

I believe I know how you feel. I also have a high pressure job, and sometimes creativity and/or ideas to overcome certain problems that I face are required. I would always feel that having a drink or two would kickstart my brain, just like you described.

I'm very early on in this whole sobriety thing, but one of the ways I'm trying to look at this very same problem is that it is like scratching a mosquito bite. when you scratch it, it feels better and doesn't itch quite so bad. The problem is by scratching it, you're making it worse. Not only is that itch not going to go away, it's just going to get worse and worse and worse the more and more you scratch.

You said that you used to work on your lap top. Here is something I've been doing. I call it the "False Start." When you feel pressured to come up with an idea, just start writing. Write anything. Start off by saying "I cannot think of a damn thing about what to do. I'm completely stuck. I have to accompish such and such." Even if you start writing about things that don't work, at least you're brain is exercising. Sometimes the "False Start" can give you the same kickstart that a drink can. Like others have said, if you can stay off of it then you won't need it any more. Don't scratch the itch, and eventually it will go away. It's an ironic disposition I know, but try and think of it in those terms.

I don't have a whole lot of advice to give on parenthood. I'm not a parent, and the way things are going now I'm not sure if I ever will be. However, I always tell people I work with that are so stressed out that they feel like they can't take a break, that they need to take a break. Get yourself away from your computer. I bet if you're honest with yourself, your children are a big part of why you feel it is important to even have a job. With that in mind, it may be good for both your children and your work to get yourself away from your computer and play with your kids. If you'll allow me another alalogy, if you have a pencil and you work and work and work with it, eventually you have to take the time to stop and sharpen it. Maybe you taking time out to play with your kids is like sharpening a pencil. It can help you stay sharp.

peace,

Ortho

coffeenut

Alcohol insidiously steals everything you love in life. Slowly but surely you will lose it all. I think back on all the things 30 years of drinking took from me (or I gave up) and it just kills me. Getting it back doesn't happen all the time, either.

If you had the strength to quit....use that strength to become stronger than the bottle.

effortjoy

all of the posts today helped prevent an almost relapse for me so thank you so much to all of you for being there for me. One thing that struck me from the posts was the term "supervised parenting." I had never thought of my nanny that way. I grew up with an ever present nanny even though my mom was never under the influence of anything. I guess my nanny is my constant back up just by being in the house. And then I started to realize that sometimes being wealthy makes addictions so much worse because you never run out of money for more drugs/alcohol etc and you always have a back up team making your life look "normal" on the outside. That may be why so many women in our circles use some type of drug/daytime drinking etc. Because if I lost my job...money wouldn't be an issue but my self esteem would drop. I think I need to start taking responsibility for my life- which has been so hard and maybe it is because being wealthy ironically is making it harder for me to quit....

Chamabama

Just playing devil's advocate here... people living in poverty might argue that it's harder for them to quit because of the stress and anxiety associated with simply trying to put food on the table and pay the mortgage. I think the reality is that it's hard for everyone to quit.

Taking responsibilty for one's life is a very good move and again, something that is hard for everyone, especially us alcoholics. Sounds like you're moving in the right direction. Good job!

Horselover

Alcoholism doesn't differentiate between race, economic status, or sex. It hits everyone and can bring anyone down to their knees. We all have "excuses" as to why we drank, but then we learned they were just that - excuses. We have one thing in common and that is our inability to drink normally.

Sweets79

Hi,

Just wanted to say I understand exactly what you mean. I felt when I was drinking I had more energy and it actually made me more talkative and interested in things that I wouldn't normally care to talk about or do.

Alot of times when I first woke up, whatever had been bothering me would just consume me, so I would have a drink to just grab some motivation to go to the bank or food shopping. It was that bad. Sometimes I even had a drink just to call my friend back and make small talk with her. I really didn't feel like doing the simplest things without it, because I was so depressed and I let everything consume me.

I'm still adjusting to waking up without a drink and getting motivation from somewhere else now to function daily. I would drink alot of times before going out to eat, or going to the movies, or even before going to a bar. It would put me in a better mood, make me more outgoing, and give me a false sense of positivity for the night. Any aches or pains that were bothering me would dissapate also. I just felt it improved everything for me, but that's a false feeling. And it was time I woke up, gathered some strength and realized that I couldn't keep going the way I was going.

flutter

What I’m going to say here is totally subjective and based on my own experience. Reading that first sentence almost made my jaw drop, and brought tears to my eyes.. I suddenly realized and almost feared that that is what my mother may have thought when she was drinking as I grew up. I read in your later post about how your kids haven’t said anything, aren’t embarrassed, etc. I never said anything either. I was horrified to. I am (was) not the adult, she *should* have been. I was scared to say anything, it wasn’t my place. As her drinking progressed, and I knew every SINGLE time she drank (she thought she hid it too lol..), I resented her more and more. By the time I was 19, she had moved on from box wine to grabbing swigs of vodka, whiskey, whatever from the wet bar as evenings went on. I didn’t know her, I didn’t like her.. but she sure thought I did, I learned how to placate her so she’d leave me alone. Her breath was horrible, and her behavior was childlike when she’d try to interact with me. Fake happy, medicated smiles.. I hated it. We’d join my parents for getaways and parties and I would sit back and just watch, and at some point I would laugh and think I would never ever be like her. Well here I am. ….Anyways, by the time I was 19, I was moving out to go to college, and I have a brother 5 years younger than me. One night she was obviously buzzed and I finally said something.. after all those years. I very calmly told her that if she continued to drink the way she was drinking, that I would call child services on her in regards to my brother. I was unable to parent him anymore, as I was moving. She didn’t drink again. Luckily for a few years of HIS childhood, he had a sober mother.

Just one person’s story.. who had a mother that thought she was a better person when she drank. How very very little she actually knew. It made her the most self centered person I knew at the time.. not less. It’s unfortunate.

mistycshore

It's hard for every one of us. It's a hard thing to do.

I'm really glad you didn't relapse.

Dee74

I missed this - the tyranny of timezones - but there are some great posts here effortjoy.

I also was convinced I did things better with a drink - but then, by the time I was done, I did *everything* with a drink....

I'm glad you got something out of them.

D

Ananda

well.....you know i hate to say this but........ I did a better job and acomplished more at work when i drank.....

I guess what i have determined after being sober for a while is that the things i have gained outside of work and the life i have today is so much better than when I drank that maybe i'll be ok not being the miricle worker and fantastic leader i was at work (i kid you not...)

I know it sounds like a load of sht, but I was really stellar at drunk working...but I had no life, no self esteme outside of work, no friends, no sense of value outside of work. My work was the only thing that existed for me other than the hellish escape of the bottle.

Believe me...the trade off seems very much worth it....and i haven't lost my job yet..close but not yet