How do you put yourself first?
User
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 116
How do you put yourself first?
We all have family, friends, co-workers, etc. who need our attention, our time, and our focus. There's no way I'm the only one struggling with how to balance my life! It seems that if I'm ever going to get a grip on my addiction, which I'm still having trouble admitting to, that I have to learn to sometimes put myself first.
How do you do it? How do you drag your mind back to focus on YOU when you are surrounded by so many other people who would benefit from your time and energy?
How do you do it? How do you drag your mind back to focus on YOU when you are surrounded by so many other people who would benefit from your time and energy?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
I live alone and my only child is a grown woman with a family of her own so it has been easy for me to put myself first. One of the things I did was cut off all 'relationships' with people that were primarily (if not only) drinking buddies, I didn't need those people in my life and couldn't put myself first if I continued to socialize with them. I give so much of myself at my job so in the first year of sobriety everything else was about me, about 8 months into sobriety my 86 yr old father came to live with me after my mother died and I had to give a lot of me to him but he's been sober for 25 years so he understand that I needed my alone time. In the past year I've started doing some volunteer work because now I really feel there is a LOT of ME to give to others.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
Hi Kelly,
It was believing that I had to do as much as possible for my family and others in my life, that pushed me into addiction. I was a co-dependent person long before I was an addict. What I know is, you MUST take care of yourself or you will not have enough to give to others.
It was believing that I had to do as much as possible for my family and others in my life, that pushed me into addiction. I was a co-dependent person long before I was an addict. What I know is, you MUST take care of yourself or you will not have enough to give to others.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 271
In a scenario of "I'm trying to stop drinking and need time and peace to do that":
A co-worker would need to be in crisis. Really, people live just fine without me. If I don't "benefit" them, someone or something else will - or they will figure it out for themselves.
I would expect a friend to understand that I'm treading water and up to my elbows in alligators regarding my own stuff. If such a person doesn't, I'd still wish love and peace for that person, but I'd rethink that friendship.
Even family, especially family, can get invasive. It's amazing, though, how much the world really does NOT need me to get along. They got along without me when I was drunk - I'm sure they'll be fine, maybe even better, if I let go of the idea that I'm indispensable to them now. They will find their way; I will find mine. No one has been deprived of benefit, which I believe comes from life itself, not from me.
A co-worker would need to be in crisis. Really, people live just fine without me. If I don't "benefit" them, someone or something else will - or they will figure it out for themselves.
I would expect a friend to understand that I'm treading water and up to my elbows in alligators regarding my own stuff. If such a person doesn't, I'd still wish love and peace for that person, but I'd rethink that friendship.
Even family, especially family, can get invasive. It's amazing, though, how much the world really does NOT need me to get along. They got along without me when I was drunk - I'm sure they'll be fine, maybe even better, if I let go of the idea that I'm indispensable to them now. They will find their way; I will find mine. No one has been deprived of benefit, which I believe comes from life itself, not from me.
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
About two weeks ago, my stress level was through the roof. I was burning-out fast. I had to take action:
-Start saying no! I was over-committed at work & at home. I started to built some slack time into my schedule to deal with unforeseen things. I started saying no to my employer, clients, wife, and kids if it meant overextending myself. It doesn't mean I'm not a good husband, father, and employee. Quite the opposite. I need to take care of myself before I can help others.
-Give yourself downtime, a couple of hours each day just for yourself. Everyone needs time to recharge. We are not super-human. Acknowledge & recognize your limitations.
-Take time off work but don't start packing in household and family responsibilities.
-Take care of yourself. Get good rest, eat better, and exercise.
I feel so much better now, more focused & more energy. I'm just starting two weeks off work and I really need it & deserve it.
Don't be like me and complain for months without taking any action. There are things you can do to improve the situation.
Hope this helps.
-Start saying no! I was over-committed at work & at home. I started to built some slack time into my schedule to deal with unforeseen things. I started saying no to my employer, clients, wife, and kids if it meant overextending myself. It doesn't mean I'm not a good husband, father, and employee. Quite the opposite. I need to take care of myself before I can help others.
-Give yourself downtime, a couple of hours each day just for yourself. Everyone needs time to recharge. We are not super-human. Acknowledge & recognize your limitations.
-Take time off work but don't start packing in household and family responsibilities.
-Take care of yourself. Get good rest, eat better, and exercise.
I feel so much better now, more focused & more energy. I'm just starting two weeks off work and I really need it & deserve it.
Don't be like me and complain for months without taking any action. There are things you can do to improve the situation.
Hope this helps.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Living in Today!
Posts: 3,944
Originally Posted by Kelly927 
We all have family, friends, co-workers, etc. who need our attention, our time, and our focus. There's no way I'm the only one struggling with how to balance my life! It seems that if I'm ever going to get a grip on my addiction, which I'm still having trouble admitting to, that I have to learn to sometimes put myself first.
How do you do it? How do you drag your mind back to focus on YOU when you are surrounded by so many other people who would benefit from your time and energy?
How do you do it? How do you drag your mind back to focus on YOU when you are surrounded by so many other people who would benefit from your time and energy?
Disposable Hero
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Being, ME
Posts: 3,758
i take a look at what i must be responsible to so that i can live the way i want to live. i use this as my foundation and stay committed to it no matter what. This gives me a defined amount of resources that are available for me to work with, without worrying that i'm taking anything away from myself. i kind of treat my life like a business, it helps me to keep things simple and straight forward. i have, at times, streched myself a little thin. Because of that 'non-negotiable' responsibility to myself, it doesn't go as far as it used to. i have found by working the Steps that this was part of the reason i blamed other people for my unmanageability. Anytime i put more effort into someone elses life rather than my own, i am not taking care of my needs first. i also keep in mind that i cannot help everyone who needs help. i try to help those i can when i can and pray that God arrange to have someone else in the right place at the right time to help those i cannot. i have learned to wait until someone asks for my help rather than putting my time and energy into someone who might not want it. People who tell me that they want my help often know how they want to be helped and that keeps the whole matter cut and dried. Letting people come to me is much easier than running off to save the world one person at a time! Remember- Easy Does It (especially when helping others).
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 7
hey kelly,
i totally relate to what you're talking about. i'm 5 days sober and i'm facing a 50+ hour upcoming work week and countless friends and family memebers with other expectations of me. Someone mentioned that it may be time to rethink our relationships and i truly believe that is the key. i have spent a lot of time thinking about the things that take up my time and i have concluded that many of them, both relationships and time spent on other things (not even alcohol relalated) are not giving me any return on my investment. i know it isn't as easy as waking up one day and cutting all that out of your life, but maybe if we start doing it little by little and person by person, we will eventually be able to put ourselves ahead of a lot of the bs. another thing i have noticed is that allowing myself to be consumed by other people's issues and trivial stuff like work etc. has given me an excuse to not focus on my own problem. the more "other stuff" that is going on, the more opportune it is for me to sweep sobriety into next week...and that was 3 years ago. idk, i'm still trying to figure things out myself, but prayers and best of luck to you!!!
: )
i totally relate to what you're talking about. i'm 5 days sober and i'm facing a 50+ hour upcoming work week and countless friends and family memebers with other expectations of me. Someone mentioned that it may be time to rethink our relationships and i truly believe that is the key. i have spent a lot of time thinking about the things that take up my time and i have concluded that many of them, both relationships and time spent on other things (not even alcohol relalated) are not giving me any return on my investment. i know it isn't as easy as waking up one day and cutting all that out of your life, but maybe if we start doing it little by little and person by person, we will eventually be able to put ourselves ahead of a lot of the bs. another thing i have noticed is that allowing myself to be consumed by other people's issues and trivial stuff like work etc. has given me an excuse to not focus on my own problem. the more "other stuff" that is going on, the more opportune it is for me to sweep sobriety into next week...and that was 3 years ago. idk, i'm still trying to figure things out myself, but prayers and best of luck to you!!!
: )
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
I agree with what most have said here. Like Anna, the expectations I had of myself, and what I thought others wanted of me, led me into addiction.
It took me most of the last 2 years but I get it now - I'm not indispensable, things will run without me, I can't control everything or meet everyone's needs wants and desires....and it's not selfish to be mindful of my needs, especially when I need some maintenance - or I'm simply no good to anyone else anyway
D
It took me most of the last 2 years but I get it now - I'm not indispensable, things will run without me, I can't control everything or meet everyone's needs wants and desires....and it's not selfish to be mindful of my needs, especially when I need some maintenance - or I'm simply no good to anyone else anyway
D
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
I keep my sobriety ahead of everything else, I know that if I am not sober I am worthless to myself and others.
As long as I am sober and spiritually fit I can be of maximum benefit to others.
When I was in early sobriety I spent a great deal of time going to meetings, taking the steps with my sponsor, talking to folks on the phone, yet some how I managed to get everything done around the house and spend more REAL time with my family then I had done in years!!!
Putting this into words I am finding a bit difficult but I will give it a go. In my early recovery I put a great deal of focus upon myself and my recovery, but as I progressed through the steps and began to apply them to my daily life I found that I was no longer the center of it all, I was becoming a part of the world, I no longer had that feeling of being apart from the world, on the outside looking in. I was becoming a part of the world!
I am finding that the longer I apply the steps to my daily life and stay sober the more I am able to help those seeking help and not just for alcoholism.
The steps I have found have not only allowed me to escape the bonds of my alcoholism, but the bonds of self as well. Do not get me wrong, I still need to make sure I take care of my sobriety and health, but in doing that I am able to pass on to others what I now have to offer.
Does any one get what I mean?
As long as I am sober and spiritually fit I can be of maximum benefit to others.
When I was in early sobriety I spent a great deal of time going to meetings, taking the steps with my sponsor, talking to folks on the phone, yet some how I managed to get everything done around the house and spend more REAL time with my family then I had done in years!!!
Putting this into words I am finding a bit difficult but I will give it a go. In my early recovery I put a great deal of focus upon myself and my recovery, but as I progressed through the steps and began to apply them to my daily life I found that I was no longer the center of it all, I was becoming a part of the world, I no longer had that feeling of being apart from the world, on the outside looking in. I was becoming a part of the world!
I am finding that the longer I apply the steps to my daily life and stay sober the more I am able to help those seeking help and not just for alcoholism.
The steps I have found have not only allowed me to escape the bonds of my alcoholism, but the bonds of self as well. Do not get me wrong, I still need to make sure I take care of my sobriety and health, but in doing that I am able to pass on to others what I now have to offer.
Does any one get what I mean?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 101
For me, I get up at 5:00 AM every morning. That way I know I have time to exercise, meditate and write.
I think a big part of my drinking was that I used it as my "alone time." I felt so consumed and overwhelmed with my life that I felt it was my only way of having time to myself, as sick as that sounds.
The early morning hours give me a chance to center and ground myself. Plus, there's no feeling that I am taking the time from someone else, as my family is still sleeping.
I am a morning person, so it's been working for me!
I think a big part of my drinking was that I used it as my "alone time." I felt so consumed and overwhelmed with my life that I felt it was my only way of having time to myself, as sick as that sounds.
The early morning hours give me a chance to center and ground myself. Plus, there's no feeling that I am taking the time from someone else, as my family is still sleeping.
I am a morning person, so it's been working for me!
User
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 116
Thank you so much for all the great input! I guess it's rather arrogant of me to think I'm so helpful to others that they can't exist without me in their lives.
Anna, your comment hit me especially hard (in a good way). I push myself to be the best everything to everyone, and in the process neglect myself. I'm realizing it maybe isn't as unintentional as I originally thought, too, because placing more importance on others in my life gives me a built-in excuse for why I can't address my own problems.
Hmm. Lots of thinking to do. Thank you again to everyone who replied.
Anna, your comment hit me especially hard (in a good way). I push myself to be the best everything to everyone, and in the process neglect myself. I'm realizing it maybe isn't as unintentional as I originally thought, too, because placing more importance on others in my life gives me a built-in excuse for why I can't address my own problems.
Hmm. Lots of thinking to do. Thank you again to everyone who replied.
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