smynthia

And not in the English sense.

Sorry, I just need to vent. I am in my first 30 days of recovery. I have tried out some AA meetings, but I prefer women only, as that is where I feel safe.

I've found a closed, women-only meeting that I like to attend. I live in a small town, so there are not too may to choose from.

Last week, my daughter was involved in a week long camp, and it turns out, so was the daughter of one of the women from that meeting. I recognized her, and afterwards, called her on the phone and asked to to respect my anonyminity, as I had not spoken to my daughter about my recovery and wanted to be the one to choose the time and place to do so. She agreed, but said that her daughter would respect it anyways even if she found out, since she had been to meetings before.

Well at this mornings meeting, her daughter was there. I didn't know until the mom approached me and told me. I quickly told her I was leaving and she told me not to go, that she would talk to her daughter. WHAT???? WTF????? This is a closed meeting. It's my understanding that closed means only members who admit to being an alcoholic may attend. She tried telling me that this was special because someone she knew was celebrating a birthday. Then should they celebrate it at an open meeting?

I have an anxiety disorder, and now I am freaked out that either the kid saw me, (she's 11) or the mom talked about it to her.

Am I out of line?

Different Perspectives Welcome.

tommyk

Out of line... not really.

Understandably concerned... yes.

It appears to be a "life on life's terms" issue beyond your control.

Sorry it happened, but realistically, might you be expecting too much from other people?

Yes, you are correct in your interpretation of the rules, and yes, you have a valid complaint... but... might strict and confident 100% anonymity be a ficticious expectation?

If you still feel strongly about it in a day or two mention your concern to a homegroup member so it doesn't happen again.

least

I was under the impression that 'closed' meant only alcoholics, so the daughter shouldn't have been there. But that's only my opinion...

jamdls

It's understandable that you are upset, I also thought a 'closed' meeting meant only AA's. In my opinion you really should talk to your daughter about your problem, you don't need to go into any details but it would be much better that she hear it from you than from someone else as kids that age may talk w/o thinking. My daughter was older when I got sober and I generally didn't drink around her but her pride in me since I've kicked it is immeasurable.

Judy

littlebluedog

Hmmm....That's complicated. I was at a birthday meeting last night where children of those celebrating birthdays attended, and to me it seemed very sweet. I don't see people from my meetings anywhere but AT the meetings, but it wouldn't matter if I saw them anywhere else(to me, at least). It sounds like the little girl really understands the significance of members being anonymous. If it was me, I wouldn't worry about it. But to answer your question, no, I wouldn't say you are out of line. You have a right to privacy, but maybe just look at this from a different perspective.

As for it being a closed meeting, I think that's always tricky when kids are involved. You're right, closed meetings are only open to alcoholics or those with a desire to stop drinking, but sometimes things can't always work out like they should.

Hope that was a little helpful, and best wishes on your recovery.

smynthia

Thanks for your feedback. In general, I don't think I will ever feel comfortable sharing in front of anyone who's 11 years old, but if kids are ever at an closed meeting, I can always Choose not to share. It's more the fact that she socially interacts with my daughter.

I think that is the emotionally charged issue. The fact that I have to tell my daughter about this. My fear is how and when. My daughter knows that I have a problem, but to her I just "get sleepy." I don't think she has put it together with alcohol.

She's eight. How much is too much information? I don't want her to worry about me.
Suggestions? How did you tell your kids? Anyone?

Taking5

I agree on the WTF? reaction on kids at a closed meeting. Doesn't make sense to me. If you stay with this group you need to bring this up a the next group conscience meeting.

Your anonymity has not actually been compromised yet, you are just worried that it will be, correct?

If so I understand being concerned, but for me it is hard to get too worked up over something that may not ever even happen.

lauraandersen4

Your reaction is understandable. It makes a lot of sense. This should be an adult problem, discussed with adults that you feel comfortable around. That said, I haven't been to an AA meeting and I don't think I would ever feel comfortable going. I'm way too private when my face is on the line. Probably ego and this stupid, insatiable need to have complete control esp when around others. Many have had great successes with AA which is WONDERFUL! but a child in there? and one that you and your daughter know? Definitely understandable that you would be upset over that.

Not sure what the answer is, but whatever it is, take care of yourself. Maybe though it would get rid of some anxiety if you didn't have to hide it from your daughter anymore?

gravity

I had a very similar experience earlier in my recovery. A woman I know brought her 7 year old daughter to a meeting. Her daughter is a classmate and friend of my son (he is 8). My kids have never seen me drunk.

I did worry about it at the time but nothing came of it. It has never been mentioned by my son.

I think kids at that age take things on faith. When I go to AA meetings, I just tell them I'm going to see my friends. They are too young to comprehend alcoholism or addiction. What they do understand is getting help & helping other people. I think at the right time, I will tell my kids that I used to drink, it was a problem, I needed help to quit, and now I help others do the same.

In the past 18 months, I have had my anonymity broken maybe 6 times (people see me going into meetings, I run into someone at an open meeting). It's uncomfortable but again nothing comes from it.

I'm willing to bet that in a short time, this will be a non-issue for you.

Freedom1990

We celebrate birthdays on the last Wednesday of each month at my home group. Wednesdays are normally a closed meeting, but are an open meeting for birthday night. I'm surprised they make exceptions to a closed meeting for a birthday, rather than having a specified day of the month for birthdays and it's an open meeting.

As for anonymity, I'm an open book, but I also understand not everyone is that way. My oldest daughter was around the rooms of AA since she was 8, and I had my youngest daughter while I was already in sobriety. She's been around it even more than her older sister, and often attends birthday night with me.

shelly009

I havnt actually attended a meeting but I dont think I would be very comfortable going to a meeting with an 11 year old there. Is an AA meeting really an appropriate place for an 11 year old?

Feel your pain, I would be a little pissed too. Sucks that you are seemingly being forced to tell your daughter before you choose too. Maybe its time to tell her anyway... you'd be surprised what an 11 year old may already know anyhow. And if she ever saw your drinking or was affected by it, your sobriety may be a welcome relief to her.

Let us know how it turns out

IO Storm

A closed meeting is a closed meeting. Simple. That was just wrong. This why we have

Open and Closed meetings. I understand your feelings...completely.

Dee74

I'm not an AAer Cynthia not a parent - so I just wanted to say I'm sorry you were upset and I hope nothing comes of it.

We have a relationships and parenting forum that may have some answers as to what and when to tell your daughter, but in the end that is entirely your call and I hope others respect that.

D

smynthia

Thank you everyone for your comments and caring!

I feel I did what I needed to do to take care of myself. It's still been a good day.

kwigers

Early in recovery I felt a deep sense of paranoia about anyone knowing anything at all about me.
Today looking back it seems a bit funny, when I was under the influence I didn't care at all what people thought of me, or knew about me. I was a loud mouth beatch self centered and had no idea of how my behavior affected those around me-I was too into me, myself and I.
How old is your daughter? I use to think I hide my using well from my kids and family, come to find out the only one who didn't know I was alcoholic was me.
Control is a strange thing in recovery, it is one of those things that can cause a lot of problems. Perhaps this is a control issue more than a situational issue? Where are you trying to control other people, places and things here? It sounds like today is one of those wonderful horrible days where you have an opportunity to begin working the program on lifes issues. That is what it is all about, living life on lifes terms not on your terms!

Much love and light!
~Cheryl

smynthia

I did speak with a woman tonight from that meeting this morning. This woman has been talked to about this before.
I don't think it's a control issue. The meeting is a closed meeting. Closed meetings are formed so that fellow alcoholics can feel safe sharing. If it was a random kid, I would have stayed at the meeting, would not have shared and left.
The fact that I took care of this woman's daughter all last week, told her previously that I did not feel comfortable sharing this with her daughter, and that fact that sometimes our kids play together, made me feel very uncomfortable that she was there.

There was an open birthday meeting right after this one. I felt that she was not honoring the conditions of the meeting that had been set up previously and honored by everyone else.

Is this a sensitive issue because I'm in my first thirty days? You bet. Will this me a big deal in 60 days? Hope not. I know that I have to deal with this with my daughter and I will. Thanks for your input.

Antone

I 100% support your position. Rules regarding anonymity are not happenstance. They are central to the program and need to be completely respected. Your friend is completely out of line. I would bring this matter up to the meeting secretary.

four812

i agree totally....you've done awesome with this dilemna

keep up the good work and I hope this experience doesn't lead you away from AA.; as AA can be a very helpful tool in your own personal recovery program.

thanks for your insight

Newtosoberlivin

She was WAY out of line to do that, putting aside the fact that your girls play together that shouldn't even matter (although I can see how that makes it doubly uncomfortable for you). She was wrong, and you are not out of line for feeling as you do. Sometimes I really don't know what people are thinking! A kid does not belong at a CLOSED meeting, nor does anyone who does not consider themselves an alcoholic, period. End of story. Why even have rules if they are not followed or not enforced? That makes it unfair to EVERYONE! I'm sure you are likely not the only one who was pissed!! I would be livid!!!

Take heart, you are NOT out of line, I don't believe this is a "control" issue, you are human and she did not follow the rules, period. That's pretty much a no brainer for me. And this woman disrespected your wishes when you made them VERY clear to her upfront. If she had no one to watch her kid, she should have skipped this meeting. Basic and simple logic, really. We're allowed to be pissed, it DOESN'T always have to do with being a recovering alcoholic, jeez!!!! I don't consider normal emotions part of not drinking, jeez, I may as well lock myself in a bomb shelter and forget about living if that were the case! GAH, that drives me crazy, not everything we do or feel has to do with NO LONGER DRINKING!!! Am I the only one who thinks this?

Sorry OP, I'm not trying to hijack your post at all. Back to YOUR topic now.

mistycshore

Not only wouldn't I want an eleven-year-old in a meeting where I wanted to share, I'd never bring one to a meeting. It's an unfair thing to do both to other participants and the child.

Smynthia, your daughter would be fine if you told her. If you do it, you get to choose how the information is presented to her. You might explain it in terms of an allergy. That way she'd not be surprised if a playmate brings it up and you won't have to sweat her finding out from someone else.