mtnmagic

Thanks for the suggestions and support. I got lucky or maybe not.

When I got to work things were so slow, I was next to be sent home early.


The anxiety and fear is through the roof. There is no physical stuff except what I create in my mind. I only drank a night and then today. It is horribly painful.

If I hold on, I know things will be better with time and if I work a real program of recovery.


The thing is I honestly don't know what a real program of recovery is. I know I don't want to drink anymore. I don't want to lie or cheat my way thru things when I'm feeling bad. I just plain don't want to feel this way any more.

mtnmagic

Is there anyone here with long time sobriety that could help me? I don't have any problem with AA. I think I approach it the wrong way.

I give up on myself and I can't blame the members of AA for giving up on me when I disappear like I do.

mtnmagic

Please help me.

Dee74

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time mtnmagic.

I think the most important thing right now is to stay in the day - one day at a time - focus on today, not yesterday or tomorrow....and keep reaching out as often as you need to.

Have you tried different groups? different meetings? Sometimes I think the people we interact with can be the key.

Have you seen a doctor or a therapist for your anxiety? Sometimes we need a little tweak there too.

If you have any numbers to call, can you call them?
As Ken L says, Lauries post had some excellent contacts...

Otherwise stick close by SR, ok?
there's a lot of collective wisdom and experience here. You're not alone

D

KenL

Hey M.

I believe in you. We haven't talked for a while but I know you can do this. Alcoholism is tough to live with, we all know that. I think that SR is great, but I think that real life interactions are even better.

Laurie6781 gave you some good information that I think you should avail yourself of. It could just produce the right person to help you with your recovery. It's hard to find the right person....but I think if you give it enough time and talk to the right folks, then someone will emerge who has the qualities you desire in a sponsor.

The meetings that Laurie listed could yield the Godsend you are looking for.

Mark75

For me, as I am working through the steps, it is all about willingness. Willingness to trust my higher power to restore me to sanity. Willingness to let go absolutely. Willingness to believe that I can be happy, joyous and free.

Even though your willingness may wane... if it is present even a little bit, it will grow... Just keep at it, and when in doubt, trust your higher power... completely. When it gets to much I just tell myself I don't have to know or understand it all now... But I just know it's gonna be OK...

Mark

KenL

M,

Please call the AA office in Carson City. Talk to someone real. Call any one of those numbers that Laurie listed. Just do it....do it now, hun.

janitorking

mtnmagic. i'm so completely aware of where you are right now it's scary. my withdrawals came in the form of panic attacks and anxiety. if you're anything like me and you stop drinking now you'll feel a little less unraveled with eaching passing moment of sobriety. your body has to rid itself of the poison that is making you feel so horrible and it can't do that if you continue to put more in. DO NOT DRINK TODAY!! when you wake up tomorrow you can tell yourself the same thing but don't worry about that til tomorrow. this page is a wonderful resource but someone earlier mentioned the importance of human interraction and i agree whole heartedly. get to a meeting. get a sponsor. call a friend. call a family member. sometimes you have to dig deeper than you'd ever thought possible just to get thru a day but it's worth it. do yourself the biggest favor possible and avoid the drink like the plague. it might numb the pain, lonliness, fear or whatever it is you're running from for a short while but it will still be there in the morning and perhaps worse.
hang in there. you're not alone.
janitorking

stone

I know how you feel, last time I drank I was so shocked that I had done it again, I was scared because I had tried so hard and still it wasn't working. I get terrible anxiety after drinking anyway but this time I was in panic.

I understand about wanting AA and thinking you aren't "doing it right" too. If some people in AA really have given up on you (are you sure they have?) there will be plenty who wont have given up...it is the nature of people in AA not to give up on people, the nature of the Program is to try and help suffering alcoholics.

I would suggest getting to meetings and sharing how desperate you feel. Tell them you need help. There is hope you know? Just never give up.

mtnmagic

ok

fernett

Hey, MM I'm with Stone, don't give up,todays all that matters and remember there's no right or wrong way in AA, we just need to be there.:praying

Jules62

Hey Mtn,

Not much I can really do from here but just wanted to encourage you also to call one of those numbers and get the help you need.Thinking of you

Jules xox

Astro

fernett, welcome to SR! Keep sharing with us, it's always nice to add another member to our family in recovery.

fernett

New to this, what a great place this seems to be.Need to remember this is not just for me, seems to be great 12th step work going on

TTOSBT

There are lots of folks here with long time recovery. I am not one of them I only have 13 months but believe you me, that is FOREVER to a drunk like I was.
Ya know what I did? I went online and looked up the next womens meeting I could get to and I went. I introduced myself as a newcomer and asked for help. There were only 5 women at that meeting but I got what I needed. I was told of a lot of good meeting, given a schedule, a hug and some phone numbers. I always recommend that folks go to a same sex meeting first and then at least one a week after that. It is important that we get strength from those that can realte the closest.

Read pages 1-164 in the Big Book. When you are done, read them again Go to lots of meetings in the beginning so that you can find the ones that are best for you. Watch people. Introduce yourself to the men that look like they have peace, strength and happiness. Take a volunteer committment so you become a part of. Arrive a couple minutes early to meetings and help clean up afterwards.

Look for a mentor/sponsor. Take the steps. If you choose AA as your recovery program, all you have to do is what is laid out in the Big Book. It is all there.

I wish you the very best. It certainly sounds like you are ready. :ghug

shaun00

magic.....firstly you are not alone.

i know how you feel.......i returned to drinking many times.

i was gripped by a mental obsession to try the old game over and over and over and over.

And then when i did drink i couldn't stop......until the shutters come down.

believe me.......i was a bottom drunk.....living in shop doorways.

a hopeless chronic alcoholic with very little time left to stop.

And then i went to AA......With all other avenues exhausted...the last resort.

id tried AA before but only for coffee...look at women and to moan.

this time i was finished.....mentally dead and wanting to end my life.

i got a sponsor....got involved and got a big book.

i started to listen

i left my b@llsh@t at the door and slowly things started to happen.

i did what the BB book suggested and worked through the steps with my sponsor.

i didn't take another drink and I'm quiet happy and content not to take one today.

in September i haven't felt the need to drink for nine years......

BUT...more than that......much more than that.

i feel a new freedom that is so wonderful its hard to put into words.

sometimes life gets uncomfortable........but the difference is i want to live it.

1_day@_a_time

The thing is I honestly don't know what a real program of recovery is.

I'd be happy to show you what has been so freely given to me & changed my life forever.

Is there anyone here with long time sobriety that could help me?

Yes, I PM'd you my number earlier today, will do so again right now just in case.

Thomas

stone

Thomas.

Tazman53

MM man I remember when you first came to SR and I have seen you riding the roller coater ride of early sobriety.

Look I am not an old timer by any stretch of the imagination, I will have 3 years this Sept.

I spent 5 years getting sober my way and then trying to stay sober my way and I always wound up getting drunk again. I continued this until I crossed the invisible line into physical addiction. I did not draw a single sober breath for 5 years.

I will not repeat the entire story of my bottom, but I reached a point of total hopelessness, I was lost and I finally surrendered to the fact that I had no idea how to stay sober and I also knew that where I was at, at that time I had no idea how to get sober. I fricking gave up!!!

I called a drug and alcohol hotline and they got me a doctors appointment.

The doctor told me I needed to be medically detoxed so I went into detox.

In detox they told me "If you want a chance to stay sober you need to go to at least 90 AA meeings in 90 days and get a sponsor."

The last day I was in detox I was meeting with my counselor, he asked me if I was going to do the 90+ meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor? Well I hemmed and hawed about the 90+ meetings telling him that I was married, had kids, and worked full time, there was no way I could do that many meetings, but I would go to meetings and get a sponsor.

Okay MM, I am now at the meat of what I wish to share with you, my counselor asked me this "Martin, are you willing to commit as much time to recovery as you did drinking?".

Well he had me there!!!! When I left detox I knew if I wanted to stay sober I had to be willing to do what ever it took to stay sober, and in order to do that I had to commit to at least as much time working on my recovery as I did to my drinking. For me that meant at least a meeting every day, getting a sponsor, taking the steps with my sponsor, and talking to others in AA every day on the phone.

MM I pray you have made that phone call to some one in AA, go to a meeting TODAY, let people know you are new and need help, ask for peoples phone numbers. Call them!!!!

Remember that as long as you have those phone numbers, that any time a drink even starts to sound like a good idea if you pick up the phone and call someone BEFORE you pick up a drink you will stand an excellent chance at staying sober until your next meeting.

Think about this, it is 2AM, your phone rings, you answer and it is a guy who wants a drink so bad he can taste it and he has called you! Will you not be glad he called you instead of drinking? Will you not be more then happy to talk to him?

Guess what? Every single person that gives you thier number feels the same way! I have no problem talking to another alcoholic on the phone at any time of the day or night because I have been the one doing the calling in the past.

Surrender!!! Swallow your pride, admit that you can not stay sober alone and ask for help, and not just one time, but EVERY time.

Want what we have? Do what we did!

MM so many of us have walked in your shoes, we have been there, we understand drinking even when you do not want to.

I found a solution to my alcoholism, the solution I found was a Power greater then myself of my choosing and my understanding! I found that Higher Power through the 12 steps of AA & the fellowship of AA. All of this was given to me freely by men and women who had this solution handed to them freely by others.

You to can find this same solution and you can also pass this solution freely on to other suffering alcoholics.

Surrender.
Go to meetings.
Get a sponsor (ASAP)
Take the steps (With your sponsor)
PASS IT ON!!!!

keithj

Mtnmagic,

I PM'd you my phone number. Please make use of it or any other of the contacts you've been given. You're in a rough spot right now from the sound of it. Your story is the epitome of the insanity of the first drink. But here's the good news. That fear and panic and desperation can be a gift to you. Nothing breeds willingness better than desperation. Our Big Book says that we sought the solution with the desperation of a drowning man.

I started taking the steps the first day I didn't drink. I admitted to drinking the day my sponsor told me to go home, dump what booze I had left (I drank it instead), and get up and start with the directions he gave me.

That's exactly what I did and I recovered. Took a little time and a little effort, but it was that simple.