one week sober. the perks.
 

i haven't been hungover in over a week. i haven't found myself wallowing in a quagmire of shame and remorse in over a week. i haven't felt the intense need to apologize to anyone for my actions in over a week. i haven't felt like the scum of the earth in over a week. i haven't felt like a failure of a husband in over a week. i haven't felt like putting a noose around my neck due to an overwhelming sense of hopelessness in over a week.
it's been a good week. why in the name of god would i ever want to return to alcohol? i ask myself this question about 300 times a day. even with all the 'perks' of sobriety i still catch my mind going in dangerous directions. i catch myself thinking of ways i could hide alcohol from my wife so that i could have a drink here and there before going to bed. OH THE INSIDIOUS NATURE OF THIS DISEASE!!! one thing i've been trying to do in the last couple of days is treat this disease the way i always wished i could have treated the high school bully. grab it by the neck and show it who's boss. it works occasionally. sometimes i just want to drink. i guess all i'm trying to say is that i'm sober and loving it but in a nutshell it's still really hard. i'd be lying if i said i didn't still want to drown who i am in high gravity malt liquor. but the one advantage i have now is that i truly know where that road will take me. knowing that and not wanting to face those consequences is slowly but surely becoming stronger than the urge to drink. i'm starting to realize how much time i've wasted and people i've devastated in my blithering drunkenness. working the steps i've realized that the one person that probably won't forgive me for my actions is me. any tips on this one? anybody? i've been such a b*st*rd. a miserable, lying, manipulative sorry excuse for a man. how does one forgive himself for that?

Early sobriety IS tough. It just is. But as you progress, you learn...and you start to grow again.

I'm not sure I will ever completely forgive myself for some of my drunken actions, but I assure you....it won't happen again. And knowing that feels Great.

Congratulations and one week is a long time for an alcoholic not to drink, but you only have one week. It sounds like you want to jump through time and have all the perks of being sober for years right away. It doesn't work that way. Cravings and your disease playing games with your head is really normal for where you are at. You have to accept where you are at now, that on this day you are in the best place you can be and that you can't wish yourself to a better place. You can't work the 12 steps in a week and if you do you are doing something wrong, in my opinion. In terms of forgiveness, I would advise you to not worry about that yet, give it time and revist the issue when you get to that stage of your program. That said, your attitude is awesome and you seem genuinely enthusiastic about your sobriety and that will serve you well down the road. Think about the difference between relief and recovery. Like most alcoholics, you seem to be drawn to the immidiate relief of being dry for a little while. Relief doesn't keep you sober for long though. Recovery, more difficult and more long-term, is necessary. Sounds like you are on the right track just don't get ahead of yourself.

thanks
 

thanks everyone. your responses and aa are what keep me strong. i'm glad we have eachother. this would be a horrible disease to face alone.

Its a good thing to look on the positive side of things. Thanks for your post.. I cant wait to add mine in a few weeks!