effortjoy

last night i was considering speaking to my husband about quitting drinking. I had just finished a full week. I'm on day 8. But he still hasn't said a word about my change in behaviour. And I realized that I can't remember the last time I drank in front of him (he doesn't drink) And all those nights that I had a bottle of wine or a few vodkas before dinner- he must have just assumed that I was a little tired. I know this sounds crazy but I am very much in control when I'm drunk. And what's strange is that my husband and I are very close. We function as a team as parents and in our work. There is a lot of affection and respect in our relationship. So how can it be that he never noticed? One time (about four years ago) I drank way too much and he was so upset he started pouring out all of our bottles of alcohol. But then I gradually replaced them (without even hiding them) and tried never to drink to that point again. But besides that time (and maybe two others) he hasn't said a word. Do you think he really thinks I have controlled my drinking since then? Maybe I have? Maybe I don't have a problem? Growing up my parents and their dinner guests were always in control when they drank. They just always seemed happier after a few drinks. I want to be happy again too. Once at a party- this person that I really respected came up to me and said: I know where you're headed because i've been there. Don't do this to your family." And I stared down at the soda in his hand and said: I don't know what you're talking about.
But as an alcoholic he could probably see: how I never put down my drink, how i stayed close to the bar, how i made sure my glass was always full. But then I think: I didn't slur my speech. I didn't stumble. I only drank in the late afternoons. If anything, alcohol made me a better hostess. Now I can't even bear the thought of hosting guests- maybe I should drink on vacation and see how it goes? My husband seems happy either way, so maybe it wasn't a problem?

Mark75

hmm

Are quitting for him or for you?

I didn't slur much. I could stop before blackout, most of the time. My alcoholism was progressing though, and there were more times my wife would get upset, or disgusted.

Your post is full of ambivalence and contradictions...

You are at day 8... that's great. You could continue this experiment and stay sober. Get more distance between you and the drink. See how you feel.

You could also start drinking again, do some more research. See if you can control your drinking, see if you like controlled drinking... See if you can do it.

Not drinking is never a bad thing, right? I mean, no one got in trouble for that. And no one is gonna come up to you at a party with words of caution.

You can be happy not drinking, happier... give it a try.

Mark

Dee74

I think the real question here, effortjoy, is are you happy with your drinking?

You may not have a problem - but very few people who post here decide that they don't.

Admitting I had a problem and admitting it to others was incredibly hard for me.

I see you asking some of the the same questions I did - 'noone says anything, maybe I'm ok....maybe I can only drink on holidays/on weekends/after 5pm/limit my drinks'...and that worries me.

That was me. You may be fine - I don't know.

The end call is of course up to you - but please be honest with yourself, effortjoy. Fear and denial kept me in drinking hell for years longer than I needed to be.

Think about this very carefully.

I wish you well
D

hendershot

I know I always thought I was in control when I was wasted. Maybe I was, maybe you really were, but really there is no way to know. Our persepective on the matter is a bit, um, biased and therefore, you need to at least entertain the idea that it is complete BS. I think I only thought I was in control, Alcy is great at making me feel that way.
I would echo what Mark said, it does sound like you are somewhat justifing or looking for excuses. I also have no idea what you are looking for in response. Someone to tell you that you really don't have a problem? Or to tell you that you really do?
i don't know if you do or not. I would be wary of denial though. Alcoholism is a tricky cat and can make you think all kinds of silly things. It makes you a better hostess? Even if this is true, so what? Does it make you a better human being? You didn't stumble, slur, or drink in the morning? Do you want a medal? Your husband doesn't seem to care if you drink or not? Are you doing this for him or for you?
Not trying to be rude but time to get real about what these thought processes are really about. Sounds like you are itching for a rationalization to drink some more. I would hope that you don't but it is up to you. Consider what got you to this place and try to stay in the moment. Thanks.

bjork

When I start thinking the way that you are.....I have to ask myself a few questions:

1-How did I ever find Sober Recovery?
2-Why did I ever post on SR?
3-Did I think I had a drinking problem before?
4-Could I ever just have one or two glasses of wine?
5-Did I feel guilty after drinking and question whether I drank too much or not?

These questions really take me back to when I initially started posting on here and starting trying to stay sober. All of them remind me of how much I questioned my own drinking.

It's up to you to decide whether you have a problem or not. I know I had to go back out there and try to control my drinking again. I came back here months later as I ended up right in the same place I was when I initially signed up. Nobody could've told me that though (they did, believe me) I had to figure it out for myself.

Wolfchild

It sounds as if the disease of alcoholism is fighting for control of your life...
& throwing everything it's got at you to force an unconditional surrender.

i hope that you will seriously consider what effect returning to active
alcoholism will have upon your spiritual well being. Play the tape thru!

i wish you the best in whatever you chose to do with yor life.

NEOMARXIST

To the OP, Only you can decide if really wan't to quit drinking and if your life will become better as result of it. Millions of people can happily drink and not cause themselves and their lives too many problems. I can appreciate it would be harder for someone like yourself, who maybe doesn't drink to blackout everytime that they drink, as it can seem hard at times as to whether you really need to quit doing what millions of others gladly do as a means of recreational enrichment of their lives. Only you can decide.

For me personally drinking makes my life Totally Unmanageable as I cannot comprehend why or how anyone would only wan't to have a few drinks? It is totally wreckage or nothing for me and that's just the way I am with drinking and I accept that. This is causing me too many problems and I don't wish to do it anymore and I am an Alcoholic in everysense of the word, I don't drink everyday but if I could then eventually I probably would even though I know damn well that this would bring nothing but Pain and shame.

All the best in what you decide.

keithj

effortjoy,

I have no idea if you are an alcoholic or not. You are certainly doing a lot of dancing around the facts. All these questions. What are the real facts of your drinking?

An obvious way of finding out is to ask him what he thinks. But, if you are an alcoholic, his opinions can be side stepped as well. Please keep in mind that nearly every alcoholic has felt this way at some time in their drinking history. Look around at the Newcomers forum heare and see all the others thinking the same things you are. A few days sober and many wonder if they weren't making too big a deal out of it. OK, if it's not a big deal, why don't you try for a few more days? Why don't you try for a year or two? It's no big deal, right? My words are meaningless, though. It's all been said before and better. Alcohol itself really is the great persuader.

"Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death

Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self- deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic."
AA Big Book, Ch.3, 1st Ed.

Anna

It sounds to me like you're making your decision based on your husband's approval or disapproval, rather than on what you think is best for you.

I wish you well!

Tazman53

So here was a person that you respect that you say is an alcoholic in recovery.

He saw something in you that you could not see in your self!

Think about it......... if an experienced auto mechanic came up and told you something was wrong with your car what would you do? Especially if you respected this person.

In person especially in an event that involves drinking I can spot an alcoholic in a heart beat. One dead give away is that they are on thier 5th or 6th drink and are acting perfectly normal yet they are continuing to drink.

flutter

You may be absolutely right, that it's not a problem. Only you know that.

Moderate drinking is defined as:

Maybe try drinking 1 drink per day for a month or few months, see how you feel. See if you want more, or if it's no big deal and not a problem. I think you might find some answers.

Chamabama

If my brain even starts to go down that road of "maybe it wasn't a problem" my first question is, so then why did I work so hard to hide it?

tommyk

"... so maybe it wasn't a problem?"

Two real choices here:

1.) Keep doing it until it does possibly become a problem.

2.) Quit doing it and eliminate any possible chance of it becoming a problem.

1_day@_a_time

Oh yes, our minds can tell us some amazing things......it has been said alcohol is cunning, baffling & powerful. Goes for the mind too!

He saw something in you that you could not see in your self!

Self does not reveal self to self, w/o an outside force. (why professional athletes have a coach)

There are several places on the web that have a series of questions you can answer to get a better idea for yourself. Just type in "20 questions AA".

If you have to ask yourself if you have a drinking problem, chances are good you do. Normal drinkers don't ask themselves that question & don't seek out sites like this.

Great you feel comfortable enough to speak up here, as you can tell, there are lots of people here who care about you!!

Thomas

shaun00

"Normal" controlled drinkers dont come to sr looking for answers...imo.

Heres my experience.........people telling me i was an alcoholic or i had a drinking problem was like water off a duck back.....it made no difference

I had all the answers to why i drank like i did........."you would if you had a life like mine".....a wife like mine or a job like mine.

One thing thats real sneaky about alcoholism........its very convincing in telling you ...you ain't one...

romanticizing you into your next drink.

I think its "you" that has to decide whether you got a drinking problem or not.

I'm from the camp that think theres alot of difference between an alcoholic and a problem drinker

I hear lots of story's here of drinkers stopping and within a short space of time they are happy and can cope with life.

me.....i got sober and within a few short weeks i wanted to blow my head off.

and i believe if i didn't drink again i would have topped myself.

only AA and the program of recovery changed that.....and pretty swiftly too.

time for YOU to do some soul searching about YOUR drinking.?

god be with you.

littlefish

Everyone has given you some very good advice here effortjoy that I won't repeat.

You are asking yourself if you are an alcoholic. That is a very good question.

I thought that because I was an alcoholic, I was an expert on the subject. In truth, I was very misinformed about alcoholism and really didn't know anything about it.

I would suggest taking a few more steps. See a doctor and discuss your drinking with your doctor. Get your liver levels checked.

Find some resources for addiction counseling: maybe you need to talk to someone about your worries about your drinking as well as other issues? I find my therapist to be a Godsend. Does she magically solve my problems? Not at all, but it is a huge relief to have someone to talk to. I have no one else to talk to about my problems.

I would of course suggest AA: if you have any doubts about your drinking, no one in AA will tell you if you are an alcoholic, but listening to their stories might help you decide for yourself if you are an alcoholic or not.

keithj

LOL. Now there's a good alcoholic for you. Booze was my solution. Without my solution, life got pretty uncomfortable pretty quickly. And I always returned to my solution until I was taught how to do deal with my problem.

My problem is me.

I can either cut my head off or grow a new head. OK, now how do I go about growing a new head? I don't know about anybody else, but I required a little outside help for that feat.

1_day@_a_time

I don't know about anybody else, but I required a LITTLE outside help for that feat.

Keith, you too? OMG yes!

Freeport

Effortjoy, per Keith's comments, you can read posts on SR from folks asking the same questions and probably in a similar status as you. I have been in your shoes for several years, and have quit for a month or two or three probably once a year for four years. Each time, I've convinced myself that I can quit again or exert better control over myself when I resume drinking. In March, I quit for a month, then visited my brother before he shipped to Afghanistan and downed maybe four beers with him over three days. Two weeks later, I was drinking three or four beers probably five days out of seven, with one of those days a binger of 6-7 drinks.

I realized there's no in between for me, and the folks here at SR have helped me reach 43 days of sobriety since I woke up. I have a family and refuse to ever approach rock bottom, so I'm trying to take control of alcoholism before it destroys my life. I have not attended an AA meeting yet, but I'm slowly realizing that AA is as much for folks understanding life in long-term sobriety as it is for achieving short-term sobriety. It's probably in the cards for me sooner than later.

I think you need to have a discussion with your husband. Soon. If he's dumped booze down the drain before, this is on his mind.

This is easy advice for me to give but not so easy to follow myself. Even at 43 days, my wife and I have not spoken about this. Several people here believe it's because keeping it secret gives me an opportunity to resume drinking with less disappointment and criticism from those who love me. They're probably right. But it's also because I perceive my wife's relationship and acceptance of alcohol is much more liberal than your husband's. My wife will say, "You're not an alcoholic. You just shouldn't drink as much or as often." She's a sweet gal who comes from a big family full of problem drinkers, so she doesn't seem to recognize alcoholism or legitimate sobriety. It's going to be difficult for me to be blunt with her that there's no in between for me anymore. But I need to do it.

Good luck, Effort

smacked

I'm just gonna throw this out there, because to me it seems to be the elephant in the room.

Seems like you're already crumbling your sobriety in preperation for this 'vacation'. Trust me, I justified, rationalized and made excuses for 'one last time' almost to my death.

I would imagine that if at any time, your husband has actually poured out bottles of liquor to stop you from drinking.. he might be rather happy with you being sober.

Course, if you don't think your drinking is or will become a problem, more power to ya.. I prefer to be sober over all that brain damage of thinking/obsessing/planning/rationalizing/justifying/excusing........