Philly

Yes maybe it wasn't a problem. I can probably come to that conclusion also. For me I think my alcoholic mind was convincing me it was not a problem. The thing that really allowed me to quit was so what if it was not a problem. Do you realize that you are pouring poison into your body? It can not be at all healthy to drink like I know most of us did. If I did not bring my career to an end I would have continued to have a "good time" and be a better hostess by giving up my health. Like flutter said "one drink per day" . If I had one drink I'm sure the only thing it would do is either make me want more or make me tired. I think I'll try the without for a while. Stick around and post often, there is so much wisdom here.

I would also like to add that my "perfect husband" had a "perfect wife" and therefore nothing could be wrong with me or that would not make us perfect. He can be in as much denial as you are. My husband was definitely in denial until I proved him otherwise. Hopefully you won't go that far.

jamdls

No one ever told me I needed to quit drinking. When I would complain about a hangover people would often say I didn't even seem to have drank much. I was often the life of the party when I drank I didn't slur my speech or fall down (when people were looking). I had and still have a great job (fortunetly have a boss that always accepted my 'upset stomach' excuses for being late to work often). I was proud of having a knowledge of fine wines. Yes I was always in control.... until one night I apparently got drunk and tried to kill myself with an overdose of prescription sleeping pills and pain pills, I have no recollection of any it, no recollection of being suicidal. I worried about my drinking, I knew it was a problem but I didn't listen to myself. If you are posting here you are worried about yourself, LISTEN.

four812

good thread....

any response effortjoy?

effortjoy

Thank you to everyone for your posts. They were really helpful, and I think they allowed me to see through a whole barrage of excuses that I have been storing in my mind. From "it wasn't so bad" to "maybe one last time" to "no one else thinks that I have a problem." One of the posts that helped me the most was the one that defined moderate drinking. If I can't drink a whole bottle of wine- one glass is just a tease or more like torture. Why would anyone want only one or even only two glasses of wine? This was a red flag for me. But here's where I'm still stuck: I don't want to share my recovery with my husband, I don't want to go to AA. I'm telling myself that I will just never drink again and no one will ever know it was a problem for me. My husband won't know, my children will never know, the public will never know- I'll just fix it on my own and keep quiet about it. And maybe this is a workable approach, but it feels deceptive somehow to not even want the closest person in the world to me to know about this struggle. But I can't seem to get past this secrecy thing and maybe I don't have to?

Dee74

I wish you well - there *are* people here who gotten sober and stayed that way without letting anyone else know, effortjoy - but, personally I don't know how they did it.

Being secretive and hiding my drinking was part of my problem - I couldn't seek help because, more than any shame I felt about being alcoholic, it meant revealing my years of lies.

Eventually my alcoholism progressed, my body made the choice for me and I became a public drunk. Everyone knew.

I hope you decide to get some help now.
D

1_day@_a_time

There is more to quiting drinking than quiting drinking.........

I drank to medicate, to make it all seem better.

Without alcohol, now I'm left to cope with no medication.

I feel for the 1st time in years. And I find I'm clueless.

On my own, I have no idea how to live a good life. I keep getting all my "quality information" from my mind & wonder why I'm a mess.

In old character, I'm childish, emotional sensitive and grandiose.

I have found, I can become an entirely new & different person. But not by just quitting alcohol.

It's not only about putting a plug in the jug.

There is more to quiting drinking than quiting drinking.........

CarolD

I sense you are living in fear....and that saddens me.

I so hope you will find professional help.

Gypsy Feet

The only reason I ever hid wanting to quit was fear I would change my mind. This time around, everyone knows. I thought they would make a big deal about it, but no one has. I told my mom I quit for my weight/health, because the real story she wouldn't want to hear. I heard "Why are you quitting, I don't think you have a problem" from a few at the beginning. Now, almost 6 months later, I am just another person who doesn't care to drink.

getr345

When I quit drinking last October, I expected my wife to notice that I wasn't drinking all of sudden but she didn't. Then I told her the news after like 2 or 3 weeks and she was surprised, didn't really understand; and I was a little disappointed in her reaction. It didn't change my resolve though or make me think there was never a problem to begins with because even though I did in many ways quit for US as a couple, I quit first and foremost because I wanted to and because I needed to.

getr345

And I should also say that in the months since I quit drinking, as I have opened up and told most everyone in my life about my recovery and my sobriety, only a select few people have truly understood exactly why I quit drinking but most people really didn't or don't. And that's OK. They just didn't know, didn't want to know, didn't care, or didn't really see what a problem I was having with my drinking and the direction it was heading. For a variety of a reasons this is true, not the the least of which was that I was secretive and tried to hide the seriousness of the situation with claims of it all being normal, and that I could handle it. If I used their casual reactions as a barometer of how much of a problem I was having with alcohol, I'd probably be drinking right now, think it was no big deal, maybe I overrated from watching too much Intervention or something. Thankfully, I listened to myself then and continue to do so, and what I told myself and continue to tell myself is simple: You are/were drinking yourself to death. You need/needed to quit and make the decision to never drink again. You did it, now keep it going for life.

shelly009

I recently made the decision to quit as well. I had mentioned my drinking problem to my husband in the past and he didnt think I had a problem... then sometimes he would mention it to me that he thought I was drinking too much so then I would slow down and he wouldnt notice much. Repeat the cycle.

Truth is, only YOU know if you have a problem or not. I am sure most of my friends wouldnt say that I was an over the top drunk or anything... everyone knows I like to drink but I never did anything really stupid or looked that drunk. HOWEVER, it was me at the end of the day who knew and was embarrassed that I could drink them all under the table... and often did.

No one really notices that you are an acoholic or problem drinker when you can hide it as well as I could.

Again though, its only for you to decide whether or not you need to stop. Good luck, stick around for awhile and then decide!

hendershot

I wanted to keep it a secret and do it alone as well. Looking back my only motivation to try it that way was shame. It was never about what was best for me or the people around me--it was about sparing me embarassment. I know I rationalized all kinds of different "good" reasons to keep it to myself. But once I finally came to a decision to admit to myself that I was in fact an alcoholic, telling others became easier. AA is important too. You will find that other alcoholics are good people and they don't have two heads or anything.

Wolfchild

My experience is that if i want someone to keep what i say confidential, i call my sponsor and tell him. i find relief from my "secrets" as well as receiving compassion in the way he listens without judging what i have shared.

Maybe getting and using a sponsor would work for you?

jamdls

Effort, I quit drinking w/o much help and once I was sober for awhile I began telling everyone about how proud I was to no longer need alcohol and almost everyone I told was quite surprised that I'd had such a problem as I "never seemed the type" kind of like people are always surprised when they learn I smoke since I "don't look like a smoker". It does seem rather risky to not share this with your husband especially since he is not a drinker he could likely be your biggest supporter and we all need support. If you do decide to travel this road on your own at least know that there are places like SR where you can share your feelings and get support.

Jules62

Hi Effortjoy,

Everyone here's said pretty much what I would-but I wanted to add.I really admire you for listening to all the different opinions here and considering them.That takes courage.

I understand why you see the need to do this on your own but my hope is you will stick around here at least and take the support offered to you.We don't need to know who you are 'in real life' we just support you as a person struggling with the same addiction.

Go well.I wish you the best.

Jules.

littlefish

Heehee: how did you access that page in my diary? I said both those things to myself, almost the exact wording.
I did keep it a secret from my husband. But as the years went by and I spiralled downward into chronic drinking, I couldn't hide it.

You have kids, right? Here's a question. If they had a problem with drugs or alcohol, would you want them to keep it a secret? I'm guessing you would want them to talk to you about it.
As I mentioned before, I really understand your feelings of not wanting to share with your husband. I went through that.

But there again, it's the same question. If you found out today that your husband has an addiction issue: drugs, gambling, porn, etc, etc that he is hiding from you, how would you feel?

1_day@_a_time

littlefish points out an excellent issue, by carrying on this way, you are promoting and endorsing dysfunction.

for your husband and your children

Thentram

I'm pretty sure my wife has no idea how much I've drank in the past few years. I have gotten sick in front of her once and recently she noted how there has been beer around more often, but she's never shown any concern over my alcohol consumption (and in some cases even encouraged it).

That said, my drinking is certainly a problem. She may not have an issue with it but I do. The very fact that I hide my consumption from her is a huge red flag. If I didn't have a problem then why don't I tell her how much I'm drinking?

I could probably say the same things: I have never slurred or stumbled... a couple years back. I do those things now, just not when my wife is around. Further, as my consumption has increase I am 100% certain that if I continue it will only be a matter of time before I do start doing those things around her.

In my mind, its not about control or about other people's perception. If you are concerned about quitting then there is probably a reason.

Tazman53

Maybe you don't, but if you find that alcohol is kicking your butt hard enough and it begins to own you, then your secret may come out without you ever saying a word!

Keeping secrets damn near killed me, I kept secrets from myself, like I am not an alcoholic, I can quit whenever I want to! No one knows why I spend so much time alone in the garage or why I go on fishing trips and hardly bring any fish home.

Alcoholism is progressive and eventually for me it reached the point where everyone knew I was an alcoholic but me!!!! I sure did not go around telling people in my neighborhood or family I was an alcoholic.

You know in thinking about it, the people in my neighborhood did not think I was an alcoholic, they knew I was a DRUNK!!!

You know the vast majority of people who know I am a recovering alcoholic have a great deal of respect for me knowing that I have overcome a disease that kills the vast majority of alcoholics.

I hold my head high when I say that I am a recovering alcoholic, I used to hang my head in shame when I knew I was a DRUNK!

For me being a recovering alcoholic is an easily kept secret that I do not advertise but I do not keep it a secret either. I know that today any one I have just met has no idea whether or not I am a recovering alcoholic.

When I was a drunk there was no hiding it! Oh I thought I hid it well and no body knew except my wife and kids on occasion, it was my secret that sometimes I got drunk enough for others to notice, but the only fool I was fooling was me!

I hope that you are one of the ones that can keep it all a big secret and simply move on with a sober life, but if you find that you are not able to keep the secret because alcohol has taken over that you will be willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober.

BTW here is something to mull over. I used to celebrate sobriety by having a drink or 2 to celebrate! I am an alcoholic, there is never a drink or 2 for me, it is none or it is all!

1_day@_a_time

thank you taz!!!!!!!!!!!!!